I read a thread on here and then it seems to happen to me...

[MyHipsHurt]

Or is it because I'm just not facing up to my relationship with DH? I seem to see an awful lot of similarities on here and then they happen in real life, like I'm living a day behind the posts which then come true for me. At the moment the post about the DH's stroppy childish behaviour from bringonthesunshine (I think) is ringing very true for me. What do I do? I feel sick. I read all the great advice to someone else and then think, shit, that could have been written for me.

[MyHipsHurt]

It's the jekyll and hyde character that get's me. Mr Nice Guy to everyone on the outside, but I see his short temper and lazyness at home. He wouldn't treat other kids the way he shouts and disciplines our DC. He's amazing when we're out with other kids and families (everyone always comments on how brilliant he is) but if we were on our own he would be moaning about them the whole time.

If I pick him up on shouting at them, he says 'well you shout at them', and then immediately followed by, 'right you do all the disciplining, don't expect me to help, it's all down to you now'. So it's like if I don't go along with everything he says and does, I get dumped.

Last night he shouted at DC2 because he wanted his door open a bit so it wasn't too dark, DC2 was crying but he carried on shouting at him. But I think that's no way for a child to get to sleep and he should have given him a bit of light if that's what he wanted. Cue, me having a go at DH and then him shoving me out of the way and sleeping on the sofa all night. I have to pacify two DCs all night who are scared at all the shouting and banging around.

He's not speaking now and we're avoiding each other. Don't know what'll happen next.

I'm bloody sick of it all, never thought we'd get like this. What do we do? Is it me? or is it him being controlling and alpha-male like?

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

IME that's one of the strengths of MN: it's often easier to recognise oneself in others' threads than it is to be objective about one's own situation.

Do you want talk more about what's specifically troubling you in your relationship? If you're not ready for that, then keep reading around other threads: over time you'll know and be able to recognise what applies to you and what doesn't, and to make any decisions you need to make in your own time.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

x-post; I see you've given more detail now

[AnyFucker]

He shoved you ?

I am sorry, but I think I can see what's next on your journey

And I don't need a crystal ball to predict that one

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

It's definitely controlling, and it's not healthy.

He shoved you.

Your children are frightened of him.

His anger won't stop because it gets him something.

Are you ready to hear this?

[MyHipsHurt]

Thank you both for replying so quickly. It's like a bad dream. I'm tired of trying so hard, is this what marriage should be like? I've never experienced 'normal family life' myself, as a child my parents split when I was young and I have a narc. mother who I'm now estranged from. No-one to turn to really in RL.

[AnyFucker]

Marriage should not be like this

You should not have to tread on eggshells

You shouldn't have to pacify your children because they are afraid of their father

Please would you speak to Women's Aid and tell them what you have told us. They won't judge you. They have heard it all before. They won't tell you what to do, but they can support you.

here

[DaydreamDolly]

You poor thing
Unfortunately he sounds very much like my DSisters exH and that didn't go well. But she and the kids are far happier now than if they stayed.
I wish you strength and luck on the journey ahead, I fear it can only go one way from here....

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

No wonder you recognise yourself in other threads, as your story is sadly so typical.

Yes, it's like a bad dream.

Yes, it is exhausting to try so hard, to want so bad to make things better, and to never seem to get there.

No, this is not what marriage should be like.

If you had a narc mother, you are well-tuned to their needs, and a perfect companion for a partner who needs someone to control to soothe his own ego.

Your isolation is also typical. But you can ask for help. If you have friendly acquaintances, for example, I am sure they are more well-disposed towards you than you are willing to believe, and would be happy to offer a listening ear, sympathy and practical help if you ask for it. If you have a BFF who lives far away, can you call her to pour out your worries? And there's always, always Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

You could also, if you want, check out the many resources at the start of this thread or speak to the many women on that thread who are currently in, or leaving, relationships with men who insult, manipulate, shout, shove, intimidate, and won't take responsibility for their actions.

[MyHipsHurt]

Thank you for the advice re WA. I need to get some courage from somewhere, didn't think I would ever need them. But I do shout myself and he will tell me to stop, but if I tell him he goes off on one like I'm not meant to question his authority. He's also never wrong about ANYTHING.

He would probably tell u he's sick of me and my screwed up brain, I am not perfect but I love my kids more than anything.

Unfortunately I've been programmed by my mother to put others first and I should always come second.

I am estranged from all my family and he has little contact with his; we're a right pair.

[AnyFucker]

Perhaps you could also google "codependency"

Does this link ring any bells with you ?

[Pamplemoussse]

how long have you been estranged from your family? and how long have you been with DH? because I'll bet that you were chosen by him very carefully

[MyHipsHurt]

AF, the link, yes that's me alright.

I thought I'd found someone who finally loves me for me. Not just because of what I can do for them and how useful I can be to them.

DH has been ultra supportive of my really crappy family and upbringing,he knows the lot, the physical, emotional an sexual abuse. I've confided in him 100% and it took me several years to tell him. He's been amazing in that regard. But then again I have never told anyone else so I've nothing to compare it to. But I do wonder how knowing all that about your partner, changes your perception of them, how it changes themselves knowing about all this crap. It's a lot for someone else to bear. I've got used to coping with it, living with the memories.

We've had a really shit couple of years with bereavements, work, ill-health (mine) coping without any family support whatsoever. So it isn't surprising that we are not behaving as we should is it? He's always saying I'm too hard on myself and have too high standards.

Pamplemouse, We've been together 15 years, estranged from my family for about 1.5 yrs.

What I really want is a MOTHER, but i'll never have that unconditional love, ever. I thought I'd found what I was missing in my DH. Maybe I'm just too flawed to be loved by anyone. That's not self-pity btw, maybe it's just a fact.

[AnyFucker]

That is so sad, OP, your post comes across as someone who feels themself unloveable

That is not true, never never never

If you rationalise that within yourself, you will forever accept poor treatment of you

Think of it this way. Do you want to pass on the lessons of your childhood to your own children ? So they may also seek out relationships that are unhealthy for them ?

Have you had any kind of counselling re. your childhood. I am not going to suggest couples counselling for you two. I mean counselling for you to get to the root of why you think a man like this is all you deserve ?

[TheOriginalFAB]

You sound very similar to me though I am lucky enough to have a really good. supportive husband. Please phone WA for advice and support.

[MyHipsHurt]

Thank you AF, you have made me cry just by acknowledging that.

Yes I did have counselling many years ago, to get me out of a very destructive relationship with a man who dumped on me continuously and i just couldn't get myself out of it. I was programmed to look for someone who treated me like my mother treated me, I know that, I think I knew it at the time. My mother liked him, but she loved the drama of it even more, it was like a soap played out in front of her, something to gossip about. Unfortunately I was never able to tell the counsellor about the childhood abuse, only discussed the relationship and why I accepted it as normal when it so obviously wasn't. I often think of what she told me in those sessions and try and gain some strength - she did show me some good assertive behaviour to try, and I have. Honestly if you met me you would have no idea it was me, I hide behind a confident face.

No I don't want to pass on any of this to my kids, no. I try every day to be nothing like my mother, but it's a very hard thing to break because it's all I ever knew - her style of parenting. I so desperately want my kids to have a happy childhood and I know they are not experiencing that because of the arguments - not continuous, but when they happen it's like world war 3 has started and I really don't want those memories for them. I am so desperately trying to show them what normal married life is like when I haven't a clue myself. But I do think my expectations are way too high.

[DoMeDon]

I truly belive that until you deal with the shit from your past you will be drawn into situations that drag it up. Your feelings of rejection will keep coming up to be dealt with until you do.

Can you take the focus off your relationship with DH and focus on you, the abuse from the past, the crap childhood experiences? I guarantee your life will change if you do. When you view yourself as important and let go of the past hurt you will act differnetly. Either DH will come along for the ride or you will be strong enough to walk away from it.

[MyHipsHurt]

DoMeDon, I think you're right. Spot on in fact. But How? More counselling? Where from? The last lot was private and there's no way we could afford it now.

[HerHissyness]

I read the co-dependency link and while I think it's descriptive of how women like MyHipsHurt and myself may feel, I think this is a fall out of how we have been conditioned to feel.

I feel the term co-dependency gives a label and therefore a state of being to people who were NOT actually co-dependent before they were systematically worn down to be so diminished and withered to not being able to function solo. Giving it a term means we allow it to settle, and become us. Which is totally wrong and needless.

Once the big breath is taken, and the first daunting step to freedom, let me tell you, you are not dependant on anyone again!

You need to clean the slate of today, you need to address the issues you are facing in the here and now. Either DH bucks the fuck up or he fucks the fuck off. Be clear on this, your children don't deserve to be scared by him being petty and nasty for the sake of it.

Once you have either got him toeing the line, or hitting the pavement, you can recover with your DC and THEN look at what may have contributed to you falling for a wholly unsuitable man in the first place.

[MyHipsHurt]

Thank you HH you have given me a lot to think about.

He shouted in my face this afternoon and is refusing to talk to ds2 and refused to mend a toy for him. He says its because I get moody when he watches football. I don't I just can't

[MyHipsHurt]

Sorry am on stupid phone. I can't stand him ranting about a bloody goal and getting all aggressive with everyone.

[HerHissyness]

He loses his temper because HE wants to.

He will tell you it's YOUR fault, because that makes it easier for him to justify screaming at you, the poor little DC, but it's HIM.

Does he scream at everyone, or just those that live under 'his roof'?

[MyHipsHurt]

Just those of us who live here. You would not believe it's the same person that outsiders see. Its not all the time, but when it happens I just feel like running away and never coming back. It's only my dc that stop me leaving and the house which we've put everything into.

[MyHipsHurt]

My little dc had just said, do you realise that daddy has not spoken to me all day? He thins It's all his fault :-(

[lazarusb]

I felt like you did 16 years ago. I was 23 ffs. It is hard to break the cycle of parenting you've been exposed to - I made HUGE mistakes with ds1 but we now have a close, loving and respectful relationship. You can have that with your dcs too but without the shadow of your H poisoning it. Don't feel you are to blame for his behaviour, you aren't. Your dcs are already noticing their dad's attitude and YOU are the one they turn to. That speaks volumes. Please ring Women's Aid.