I just don't find him attractive anymore

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

DH and I have been married for 5 years together for 8. We have two lovely DS's. He is hard working and a great dad and for the most part we get along like best friends and rarely argue, etc. He is hard to argue with as he is so laid back. He has never been one to make an effort with clothes or looks and so this is not his fault, it is something I have always been aware of but I think after having two DC and knowing the effort I put in to looking nice when we go out it is bothering me that he doesn't even try. He is naturally attractive, happy person and everyone loves him if that makes sense, no one can ever see that he has bad points like everyone else and I am not a very open person so would struggle to discuss this with anyone in RL, we have also moved away from our home so I don't have any friends I feel close enough to discuss this with.

I have worked hard to gain back my feelings but just can't see us getting there and probably should end the marriage but we have a good life and our DS are so happy and settled, I know they would have not have the same life if we were to split.

Sorry for the mammoth post, I think I just needed to write it all down.

[cyb]

You seem to contradict yourself in your post

He makes no effort with his clothes or looks - but is naturally attractive?

not sure exactly what the problem is between you- does he treat you badly? or are you just bored?

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

TBH I think I am just bored. What I meant but wasn't clear on is that he is attractive, he just makes no effort with clothes, hair, etc. However I no longer find him attractive and am not sure how to get this back.

[cyb]

I have been through this with my H MANY MANy times (I dont know many woman who havent tbh)

I woudl ahve left him a LONG time ago if I had acted on my feelings. What can you do to bring a bit of interest back into your lives? You sound a bit low, tbh.

Instead of waiting for him to 'make the effort' (to do what, I'm not quite sure) you should be making your life more interesting, and perhaps not worry about what your H looks like so much.

You must have been attracted to him once to be together and have 2 children

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

Oh god, that does sound really vain doesn't it. I have thought about this for a long time but writing it down makes it sound really pathetic, its not as if he is unfaithful or abusive it could be much worse.

I have recently suggested we take up a hobby together like going to the gym or running as I would like to lose weight but he just laughed and said it was just another excuse to go shopping and would be another of my fads. I think I am have too much time on my hands now I am a SAHM and perhaps dreaming of something/someone different. The little things are becoming big things IYSWIM his inability to clean up after himself, snoring (which I know he can't help), I guess its just not the relationship I imagined it would be.

Why won't you act on your feelings CYB, I think deep down my feelings would be to leave but I want my DS's to have the best possible life and I can't give them that as a single mum they would never know that I am not 100% happy - no one does I am very good at the perfect housewife act

[minipie]

Nobody is perfect. And very few people are 100% happy.

It really comes down to

1. can you get him to change
   
   
2. if you can't, realistically do you think you are likely to be happier without him than you are with him.
   
   I suspect that you will not get him to change that much. I also suspect however that you would be less happy without him than with him. But only you know that.
   
   If he was thinking about splitting, how would you feel?

[cyb]

It doesnt sound vain- but it does sound like you do need something more in your life FOR YOU that maybe your H isnt providing for you. That's not his fault- I dont believe our partners are here to MAKE us happy, we have to do it ourselves

I didn't act on my feelings as I knew they would pass. I posted on here to ask for advice, and was told the grass isn't always greener and I had a wonderful man who loved me and my children and I stopped trying to get him to make me happy and did it more for myself, went out with girlfriends more,hobbies, worked more etc etc

What you dont want to do is anything rash- you could talk to him and say you are feeling a little odd about your relationship and see if you can come up with some solutions together

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

Thanks for what you have both said, I think I am just a bit overwhelmed by the 'is this it' feelings I have had. He is aware that things aren't great as everytime he touches me I visibly shrink away and I feel horrible for doing so I just don't feel the need for any type of physical closeness. He did say last week that things needed to change we are under a massive amount of pressure generally and should be pulling together but just seem to be drifting further apart. We are both still quite young, he is 30 I am 27.

[cyb]

What do you need from him as a partner? And what does he need from you? Are you getting these things? Can you ask each other this question?

[minipie]

But are the "is this it" feelings about him specifically tootired or about your life in general? It sounds a bit like it might be the latter?

In which case, I agree with cyb, are there other ways you could get more interest into your life?

Not saying you can't try to "improve" him as well, just saying that it may not really be about your DH, it may be that you're just dissatisfied generally and are focusing it on your DH iyswim.

[cyb]

When me and my H had 'big chat' about how I was feeling, he was brilliant. He upped his game. New haircut, the works. And my feelings weren't based specifically on how 'attractive' I found him, but he realised that he needed to make more effort.He looks younger than me now

[Sn0wGoose]

ha ha ha @ cyb

It sounds like you're a bit fatigued in general, which is understandable -- it sounds like you need a bit of pizazz back in your life. Do you have independent hobbies of your own? "me time"? Sometimes just getting a bit of distance can actually do wonders for your relationship.

My husband's very much the same, gorgeous, but he makes little effort! Why not buy him some new shirts, and ask that he wear one when you go out? Reward him for his efforts

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

, you have both put a smile on my face. Have signed up for pole dancing classes with a friend, more for fitness and a laugh but will be an independant hobby and may well kill two birds with one stone

DS1 needs a haircut, will drag them both along, he has a wardrobe full of nice shirts I have bought, but maybe will go shopping and treat myself to something new.

[cyb]

Yes if you cant say to him 'you need a haircut' as his wife then you can't say anything.

Sometimes men need these things pointing out to them, or you could say 'You look really nice when you wear that shirt etc etc'

[Hardgoing]

Tootired, doing interesting stuff yourself is the way to go, I think. YOu sound a bit fed up in general, not just with your husband, and there seems a lot of good there if you get on very well and he's an attractive laid-back type of a chap, I think this is a 'is the grass greener' moment. Have you tried going out just the two of you? Pick out a nice shirt for him, get yourself dressed up and go out. It can sometimes be hard to see the person you married once you are parents, you end up just chatting about childcare arrangements and not laughing or flirting enough. Go out a few times with him and go to your poledancing classes. It's really not worth giving up what you have at this stage, IMO.

[solidgoldbrass]

'his inability to clean up after himself' - this jumped out at me. Is he generally lazy and a bit selfish? OK people shouldn't have to tie themselves in knots and spend a fortune on cosmetic products and clothes to be percieved as attractive, but I wonder if you are focussing on his looks because you are a bit discontented with him bumbling along contentedly while you do the vast majority of the domestic work, childcare and emotional work of the marriage (remembering his family's birthdays, keeping on top of which days DC have PE/brownies or whatever).

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

SGB you have managed (quite spookily) to say exactly what I meant but couldn't put into words. What I feel is that I am not now physically attracted to him, I have never known him before to make an effort with looks, clothes, hair, etc but now it is bothering me (and I know this is pathetic) things like farting in bed and snoring as really getting up my nose. He has always been lazy with regards to housework he will do it if I ask but was brought up in an untidy, sometimes unclean house and would be happy to wear one of my skirts if that was all that was ironed. He is just so laid back he doesn't give a shit! All I ever hear is 'DH is so funny, DH is such a good dad, blah blah blah' and he is which makes him great but he is not attentive, he doesn't tell me I look nice, never says thanks, went back to work the day DS2 and I got home from hospital to leave me to BF and cope with a 2 year old with our nearest family support 400 miles away as he couldn't let work down. God I am fed up listening to myself moaning but it quite a relief just to type it out to be honest even if I am just thinking about the greener grass.

[solidgoldbrass]

Fucking hell, no wonder you are ratty, miserable and disinclined to feel sexual desire for this wretched man. He's not your sexual partner, he's a cross between an extra child and a pet! Sure he's funny, kind, good with the DC, amusing company to anyone who doesn't have to pick his shitty pants up off the floor and remind him to do up his flies before leaving the house. He's treating you like a cross between his mother and his servant.
OK he isn't malevolent, he doesn't hit you or belittle you or anything, but it clearly hasn't ever really occurred to him that you are a person and that he should make a tiny bit of an effort to consider your needs and feelings.

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

Funnily enough, it doesn't look to promising written down! I honestly don't know what I will do. I am torn between hoping it will improve - although we have had similar spells where it improves for a while and then slips back to limbo - spliting and seeing if the grass is greener (although I know financially it won't be) or stickin it out to give our DS's, they are 3 and 10 months, a stable future which will be happy because no one would ever know that this is how I feel and if I stick it out I will make it work. Everyone would be so shocked if we split and I would be seen as the bad one even by my own family so its not a decision I could take lightly.

[cyb]

You HAVE to talk to him

In an 'I feel...' way not 'YOU always...' way

[MumblingRagDoll]

Pole dancing classes?

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

I have arranged a babysitter for Saturday so we can have a chance to chat, thanks for all the input so far I will update how things go.

Yes mumblingragdoll pole dancing classes, I was thinking if it all goes tits up (pardon the pun) I will become a hooker to feed my children [sceptical]

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

opps I mean

[cyb]

Well done tootired

Good luck, lifes too short to be sad

Hope it goes well

[tootiredtomakeupagoodname]

What is an 'emotional affair' tawdry? I do understand what you mean by temptation although I would be seen as the bad one without having an affair, I know that if I was to go it alone it would be for myself, I have gotten used to being on my own through DH working away quite a bit but I wouldn't know where to start with regards to moving out, I would have to uproot DS's and move back near family I suppose