That's it really. My life is a complete mess. I'm lost and don't know how to fix any of it. I can't make myself or anybody else happy. I'm an awful mother, I've no confidence with being a mummy because I am constantly working. I resent my DH for not working even though he does a good job with DD. I wake up and actually feel like I hate him. I feel as though he has stolen my life. I'm from a big family and thought I'd have a big family. I've one DD and because of him leaving his job I've been working full time in a really pressured (not at all family friendly) job since she was 10 months old to keep up with the mortgage. He has made little to no effort to get back to work - nearly 2 years on.
I refuse to have another baby until he has got a job and shows he can hold it down as we wuld have no way to pay the mortgage if I wasn't working. I'm so cold and full of hate. I hate myself for not being at home and there for my daughter. I feel he's robbed me of the chance to be there. I never asked to be a SAHM - I thought it was too much pressure but always said we should both get substantial part time so we could share the responsibility and to be honest because he is work shy and wouldn't put up with me working part time if he was working FT.
I look to the future and know he will never step up. I'll never be able to even work part time let alone be a SAHM. My relationship with my baby is damaged. I get nervous with her and paranoid around other people that she will demonstrate that she prefers DH. Ive been left sobbing on my bathroom floor at the way she favous him. I feel other people see this and judge and accuse me of being this cold hearted career woman. I hate him for this. I absolutely hate him.
Our marriage has been sexless for two years. He keeps pushing the issue and I honestly feel sick. He is constantly grabbing at me and pushing at my PJs or nightie in bed. I desparately want separate rooms.
I have behaved in a completely fucked up, selfish, disgusting and destructuve way. I had an emotional affair last year. It became more than emotional, not once but twice. I'm full of self loathing. I keep trying to work on the marriage it is expected of me and I feel he will take my baby because he has lets face it been primary carer. We are living away from both families so he would take where his parents live so I am trapped. I can't risk that.
I so want another baby, a sibling for DD but I can't bring myself to sleep with him and we are in no position to bring a new life into the world. As time passes I feel like I'm losing my chances. I have polycystic ovaries and I'm scared that my fertility and chance of a sibling for DD is passing me by.
Everyone in my professional life holds me up as this great example of someone with a high flying career who is a mother. It sickens me. I've lost so much to keep that fucking job and keep paying our commitments.
I cant do this and it is all my fault. I feel such a fuck up and so damaged. I have had sporadic instances of bulimia throughout my adult life but I am caught so hard in the cycle now I can't stop. Why am I so fucked up. I've even startedt being sick at work. I barely eat anything there and I can't oversome the urge. It's all the hate in me.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I am damaged goods and can't 'do' marriage
totalfuckup · 16/08/2011 21:10
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