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How will I get through this???

(34 Posts)
enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 08:51:50

Hi, I've name changed for this but I'm sure a few people will recognise my story so please don't let on my regular name.
I'm planning to leave an abusive partner. My main concern is my son, he's 3. After he was born was when partner started getting really abusive, he shattered my confidence and was a massive contributor to the seriousness of PND as he wouldn't let me bond with him. I completely went off the rails, started taking drugs (that he was supplying!) and had little interest in DS. Social Services became involved because of our "volatile relationship" and police have been calls several times. I've never admitted the truth to police but I know they knew full well.
I never kept quiet that he was violent...told everyone but nobody seemed to want to make him face up to his problems.
I moved out for 6 months when things got too bad, I wasn't allowed to take DS, that was made clear by DP. I had to get out. He was making me believe I was crazy! He would allow me to have him 1/2 nights a week.
Since last March (2010) I've become a new person and I know I'm a bloody good mum, I have him 5 nights a week but his dad still claims all the benefits for him.
It's only in hindsight I can see what he did to me with DS and having DD (now 11 weeks) has proved that as I now live alone, 1 mile from their dad.
I am the full time parent, yet in a row he tells me I have to fight him in court to see DS (there is no residency order in place). I just have no idea where I stand. I know he'd fight dirty and tell a court I don't bother with him.
This "man" attacked me whilst holding our daughter. He is cruel, shouts at us all to the point DS is desensitized to it, he grows weed for a living and has been out of work for 10+ years.
I've started a journal, I know he's too arrogant to prepare anything like it. 
I need my son with me properly so I can be free of this dick...I just can't do anything too hasty.

The last straw was on Tuesday, I went round with the kids and he started shouting at me that I'd stole a tenner from his draw...I knew I hadn't took it so got on knees to look in the cupboard below, he ran at me and pulled me further to the floor by my hair and stamped on my head a few times before dragging me up and hitting my head of worktop.
I left to go to his mums but he wouldn't let me take the kids.
Bizarrely, although I'm sore, he left no bruises so I was scared to phone the police as unsure what happens with the kids when he tells them I hit him (I never have, he's a 6.4ft big bloke for a start, I just know he'll say anything to get to me)...I'm also terrified of not being believed, as was once the case when police came after he attacked me, one man said "I've met girls like you, causing trouble for their exes when you don't get what you want". I would have topped myself after that if it wasn't for my support worker.

It's sad because he is a good dad to the kids, I can't fault him for his involvement. It's just him as a role model, and obviously his temper.
For example, my son thinks it's perfectly normal that people hurt hands punching doors. Now DS is gonna be at least 6ft 4 so I do not want him to be a bully (not that size is a factor obviously but you know what I mean!).
I have a lovely, clean 2 bed flat, he has a dirty pokey 1 bed flat so I'm sure that would be taken into consideration too.
I had problems, I really lost the plot, but I cooperated with everyone and always asked for help when I needed it.
My drug worker from that time often had to make herself available for a whole afternoon when he had gone on one...she knew how abusive he was.
 I also told social services what he did to me but he never had to do anything about it whereas I had to jump through hoops to prove I was a fit mum! I even told SS he was dealing coke yet they never took it anywhere!
HV used to go to his in pairs as they feared for their own safety...he is known for this.
My psychiatrist said there were no pills he could give me, what I needed was [hands me leaflet on DV]

So there's a pretty rambled version of events.
I need all the support I can get to help me get through this. He is not going to lie down and take this, I've got one hell of a fight on my hands. I'm terrified I'm not strong enough to do it. Terrified of losing custody of either of my babies to this beast.
I read today that leaving an abusive relationship is not a decision, it's a process, so please don't tell me I should have left him years ago, do it for the kids, etc...I feel enough guilt!
Also, it's only recently that I've started to realize that actually, not everything is my fault.

Any advice, kind words or support would be greatly appreciated...feeling so alone right now.
Sorry this is so long.

GertieWooster Mon 15-Aug-11 09:25:47

Everyone who has been in a DV situation should have left sooner, me included, no one can blame you for that. Well done for starting the process.

A good solicitor is important. Find one that specialises in family law and make sure you are confident that they will fight your corner; if not don't be afraid to pick another.

I spent a night giving a statement to police after a particularly scary attack by my ex. As the officer walked me to my car I said that I felt that I would never feel peace. The officer looked me in the eye and said "yes you will". He said this with such confidence that it gave me strength, and he was right.

Enough it will be hard but you will get through this, for yourself and for your DCs, and you will get stronger everyday x

I'm sure more knowledgeable people will be along soon.

joblot Mon 15-Aug-11 11:10:33

Report it to the police and make sure they know the children were present. They will refer to social care for an assessment.
Get legal advice- perhaps go for residence order ASAP. It should be granted but there will be a report ordered if he contests, which will look into his violence amongst other things. Good luck

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 15:52:08

I feel I've totally shot myself in the foot today.
Have been to womens aid this morning. A risk assessment has been down and my case is going to a MARAC meeting. I've left feeling so vulnerable and confused. I've been too honest I think. If children's services get involved then he is going to know I've been talking. I'm scared....I thought today was just about me getting advice and support, I don't feel quite ready to blow it all up just yet.

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 15:57:48

done not "has been down"

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 16:39:24

.

maristella Mon 15-Aug-11 19:33:53

Well done for going to WA, you have taken a really big step.
Even if Ch Services get involved it is unlikely to be instant so you need to get the ball rolling from your end.

Your P sounds horrendous and dangerous.

I think you need to act fast, I think the assault on you needs to be reported; a coordinated response to his actions involving Ch Services and police would be the safest for you and your children I think, so the MARAC meeting may have helped. If your P has exposed your DC's to domestic violence then he poses the risk. If he exposes them to a drug taking and selling environment then he poses the risk.

How long have you been clean for? Huge well done for getting help.

What did WA say might happen next? Do they have plans to help you further? Have they helped arrange a solicitor?

I'm sorry for all the questions, I hope you don't find them a bit much under the circumstances

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 20:41:56

I've been clean from any hard drugs for 2 years. I'm still smoking a small amount of weed, but I'm desperate to seek help with this too.
He never leaves a bruise so scared to death of not being believed and things going worse than they were.
He has never involved the kids in selling or dealing....I can't make that clear enough but he wouldn't think twice about attacking me physically or verbally in front of them.
I have took everything to mean that once MARAC meeting in 2 weeks is over, CS will get involved and have to talk to him. I wanted to make sure that I'm highly likely to get residency before it all blew up.
I think I have possibly misunderstood some things but I'm panicking I've opened up a can of worms before I was truely ready to make that final break.
I'm safeguarding my children currently by not being alone with their dad, whilst trying to maintain some sort of normality so I know my son is being brought back to me at the end of the day. He poses no immediate risk to the kids whilst in his care and I will have no issues with contact...but only when I have a residency order. Currently there is nothing to stop him keeping them and telling me to go through court...however unlikely it is that he would get residency anyway.
I'm feeling very overwhelmed.

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 20:44:34

Not arranged solicitor yet....had an hour long char with outreach worker, expected to digest everything then sent on my way. My mum is coming from wales tomorrow to take me back to womens centre to make things clearer, then find a solicitor

LuceyLasstic Mon 15-Aug-11 20:58:24

if a massive bloke stamped on your head a few times, surely there would be marks

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 21:17:47

I'm sore, but not visibly bruised.
Also I did not say that he did it with all his force. Enough to hurt me and scare me.

AnyFucker Mon 15-Aug-11 22:13:37

lucey, blokes who physically abuse women are often very knowledgeable about how best to hurt without leaving marks

OP, I have just seen this thread

I wish you all the best in getting away (and staying away) from this monster x

AnyFucker Mon 15-Aug-11 22:15:40

he is an inadeqaute piece of shit and deserves to pay for what he has put you through

didn't you say he was the one who introduced you to drugs ?

what an absolute cunt

pictish Mon 15-Aug-11 22:22:48

Dear God what a lowlife he is OP.

Let me make one thing absolutely clear right now - he is not a good father whatsoever. A good father does not openly abuse his childrens mother. You must endeavour to remove yourself as far as possible from this revolting excuse for a man. Pronto.

enoughisenough86 Mon 15-Aug-11 22:30:53

Yeah he did...obviously I know I could have said no, so I have to assume some responsibility...but he made it too easy for me at a time I was most vulnerable.
I'm so terrified of the future. I have not got a clue what's going to happen and that scares me. I feel a little let down by women's aid...they should have made it clearer what their intentions were. I didn't wake up this morning thinking I'm gonna end it and run away with the kids today. There's loads of things I need to sort, and emotionally prepare for...a few weeks before all hell breaks loose. I'm just getting over a horrendous birth 11 weeks ago and needed a little more time.
Can't stop crying tonight. No idea what is upsetting me most. I can't help feeling sad that this is it.

AnyFucker Mon 15-Aug-11 22:45:17

I am so sorry, love

I don't know what else to say

You are sad for what should have been, if he hadn't been the kind of man he is. That us not your fault. It is entirely his. And I would hold him responsible for introducing you to drugs at a vulnrable time. he did that so he could control you better, pure and simple.

I congratulate you for getting out of that quagmire.

Let WA help you. The pace of this was always going to be terrifying. Let events take their course. Try to give up some control to others who want to help you and your dc, love x

enoughisenough86 Tue 16-Aug-11 08:04:09

I'm gonna go back to women's aid today to ask someone to go over what was said yesterday. I'm thinking it's highly unlikely that CS will go in all guns blazing surely?
He's being so fucking nice and it's making this so hard.
I really did love him, I just wish he could have been different.
Didn't get a wink of sleep through worry, and DD was really unsettled. In fact she was a nightmare! I don't know how I'm going to look after the kids on my own. I never thought i'd be a single mum.

ChitChattingaway Tue 16-Aug-11 08:11:12

You loved a version of the man you believed to be him. Sometimes you see glimpses of that man, but he truly is not that man!!!

If he is growing drugs for a living, why don't you tell the police where he is growing them? If they find them you will have more evidence as to his lifestyle.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Aug-11 09:24:20

Yes, I would certainly shop the weed farm, no question about that.

Regarding can you be a single mum ? Yes you can. If you held things together the way they were before (which must have been hell on earth) then you can do it.

You have to properly detach from him though, and stop wishing for things that will never come to pass. He still has you hooked if you do that, and you are vulnerable to sweet talk and empty promises.

Resolve you will keep pushing forward, no matter how hard it looks at the moment. Nothing nothing could be worse than going backwards.

enoughisenough86 Tue 16-Aug-11 09:24:24

But won't that get other people in trouble. He has preyed on vulnerable people who are desperate for money. I do know he dries it at his tho and that time is now.
The glimpses of that man are very few and far between now. He doesn't even say sorry, let alone show it, when he's done something. He says if I was better with money, had a higher sex drive, stopped nagging, stopped crying, quit smoking weed, etc, then he wouldn't get so angry with me but it's all complete bollocks.

AnyFucker Tue 16-Aug-11 09:29:59

Look, the other people he has preyed on need help too. If they "get into trouble" you will be probably be helping them in the long run, by cutting him out of their lives as well as yours.

Do it anonymously.

If you really can't though, don't sweat it. If you don't need that pressure, leave it. Seriously, look out for yourself first and foremost. If it helps your case, do it. If not (or will cause you more stress than you can currently handle) don't. This knowledge you have can sit on the back burner for a while, if you wish.

He sounds like one of the worst examples of a "man" I have ever heard of on here (and that is saying something). "Bollocks" is right.

Seek that help to get off the weed, love. It will help you to think more clearly and strengthen your resolve. At the moment, it will be weakening you.

enoughisenough86 Tue 16-Aug-11 09:32:04

I have no choice anymore anyway. I have told them everything. The risk assessment threshold for MARAC was 10, I scored 19....it's been taken out of my hands...I admitted that he'd regularly beat his dog, and also DS was once hurt in the crossfire. It's obviously a child protection issue now. I knew this time was going to come, and I'm thankful I'm only 25 and not 50...I can come back from this.
When I start feeling guilty and like I'm betraying him I read through the journal I'm keeping, it's mad how easily you forget bad times and pain.
Thankyou so much for yoall your advice and support. I have no RL friends so this thread is invaluable at the moment.

pictish Tue 16-Aug-11 09:33:19

Course it is. Listen mate - no matter what you do, he'll always find things to fault you on, and blame his abuse on.

You can never live up to his expectations....he doesn't want you to.

pictish Tue 16-Aug-11 09:34:06

Btw - I wouldn't bother shopping him for the weed. Just get the fuck away. That's all YOU need to do.

enoughisenough86 Tue 16-Aug-11 09:36:18

It's like a vicious circle at the moment...until I'm rid of him I can't relax, hence why I smoke weed (albeit not much at all)...I can't relax without it. It it literally the only thing that could go against me. That and leaving my son behind when he was a baby, although I really did not have a choice at the time, and certainly did not think I was in an abusive relationship. I thought it was all me.

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