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A log for my survival and ultimate recovery.

(75 Posts)
thisishowifeel Wed 10-Aug-11 09:10:15

I first posted on here in 2008 as "Saddest" as I was distressed by the lack of sex life and general sense of invisiblity.

I went on to post about the things that happened with my family, drug aand alcohol abuse, gaslighting and scapegoating of me. I discovered all about personality disorders, something I was accused of having by my husband, mother and sisters.

I went to the doctors and saw the nurse practitioner, who told me that I was being abused. She put me in touch with women's aid.

Eventually, I got my h to leave and cut all contact with my family, got counselling, did the Freedom Programme and got Inner Child therapy.

My husband wanted a reconcilliation, I said that in order for that to even be on the cards he must embark on long term therapy and fully accept that his behaviour was abusive. Which he did.

He moved back in in September last year, and up until the end of May things were fine, in fact I had the best christmas of my life.

Then in May, he stated to slip back, rapidly, playing the children against one another, goldenchilding dd and scapegoating ds. Telling me utter nonsense, for example, that his therapist had told him that the Freedom Programme was extreme feminist nonsense....even though she herself ran one. That the therapist had said that I was the abuser, that I was a liar and a bully. I stood their and said quite calmly, "no she didn't, and we both know that you are lying". His behaviour deteriorated to the point where I asked him to leave the house again, once again, I said that he must see the GP and get a referral to MHS. I did this because of an email he had sent to me last year, which I showed my CBT counsellor.

The email outlined his childhood. A chaotic picture of drug addiction (Heroin) which killed his brother, alcoholis, incest and other abuse. His mother was extremely unstable and went missing regullarly. The counsellor asked if he had ever seen a psychiatrist, he hasn't.

He went for a MH assessment and is waiting for a referral.

But it's too late.

We had a trip to Spain booked, and we went. For the most part it was ok, with flashes of his abusive behaviour, which I handled calmly. But on the evening before we came home, he attacked my physically. He punched and kicked, gouged pieces out of my arm and even bit me. This was caused because I wanted to go for a "timeout" as the atmosphere was getting tense, and it was a tactic that had worked before.

He had my phone and refused to give it back, saying that he was going to call the police to come and "arrest me because I am mad". The children saw and heard everything. DD has reminded me of things too, he pushed me, called me an "evil fucking bitch". And then in the middle of it all, he hurled himself to the ground and made out that I was attcking him! I simply left, without my phone.

I went to the hotel reception to ask for a taxi, but didn't realise I was bleeding, and the hotel manager called the police and ambulance.

The police got my phone, passports and tickets and me and the dc's were taken to another hotel for the night.

When we got home, I went straight to the sugery, where the NP arranged for the police to come, as well as taking note of all my injuries. We have been referred to social services. Whilst I was at the surgery, he had unpacked and was behaving as though nothing had happened. He was shocked that I asked him to leave, and very angry. I stood firm and said that it was not safe for him to be near me.

That was a week ago today.

I have seen the social worker, had the fire people out and the safety people are coming today.

I want to log this here, as everything else is here, from the beginning.

Please hold my hand.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Aug-11 09:57:25

Poor you sad

I can see why you had him back before, but by the sound of it he is far too deeply damaged to be anyone's partner. Maybe this time he will get the help he needs, but you can't be part of his therapy. I have no psychiatric qualifications, mind, but it sounds almost as if you are a trigger point for him - not that you do anything wrong (no way you could have actively caused that behaviour!), but simply your being in his life, a woman who loves him, brings out the worst. That is so crazy and twisted there is no way you should go on being part of it. I'm a bit sorry for him too because his past was so totally fucked up... but you cannot be with him. Perhaps losing you will bring him to his rock bottom point where he actually does get the right kind of treatment and sticks with it because he doesn't want to be that person any more.

Of course your past has fucked you up too, and you don't need someone even madder than your dreadful family in your and DCs' lives. Perhaps he's done you a favour by opening your eyes to everything that was wrong about your upbringing, so that you got help to work through it. Despite it all, you've turned out lovely, and eventually will find serenity, I'm quite sure.

garlicbutter Wed 10-Aug-11 10:24:11

Oh, love. You put so much faith in him, shouldered more than your share of responsibility for him and your relationship, and gave him chances beyond reasonable. He isn't able to join you on the bright side; so sad. And now you know. You must have been worse than devastated.

I hope you're healing physically - it'll take some time, by the sound of it. The emotional wounds may take longer. Your recovery so far has been - is - fucking amazing, and I'm glad you've now so got so much wisdom and sanity on your side.

I woke up thinking about you today - just what an incredible person you are! Stay safe, and keep your friends around you. Hugs (very gently!!) x

Lemonylemon Wed 10-Aug-11 10:27:48

Thisis Poor you. sad You can do this. You know you can. Do you have help IRL?

HerHissyness Wed 10-Aug-11 10:32:34

Love, no one can say you didn't give that man a decent chance. At least now you know that this is finished business, that there IS no way back, only forward, without him.

You really are a fabulously strong women! a fantastic mother too, you led yourself and your babies to a safer life. It'll be tough to begin with, but you will be surprised at how soon you settle into a more peaceful and normal life, no madman ranting and raving in your face, just you, and your DC.

I wish you all the best, and look forward to seeing you rise back up to where you deserve to be and truly belong.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Aug-11 10:36:16

Well done in getting rid of him and good luck. Yes, OK, you gave him another chance, but he fucked it up, so no more chances for him.

honeyandsalt Wed 10-Aug-11 10:41:02

Well done.

<holds hand>

notsorted Wed 10-Aug-11 10:41:32

Good that you have GP, SS and police on your side. You are doing really well. Keep posting, use MN as a diary/log if it helps.
And there are some great old posts that detail the journey others have made and the wonderful help they got from MN.
There are posts from Solost somewhere in the archives, which are truly inspiring. Perhaps someone can link to them for you.
Lean on everyone and everything in real life and here. x

thisishowifeel Wed 10-Aug-11 10:59:41

Annie, yes, I think that the fact that we became close as friends as his mother was dying, and got together as a couple shortly afterwards is pertinent. I have become aware of a lot of tranference of his feelings about his mother, onto me. He thinks I "am" his mother.

And yes, it has made me face my own stuff in a very profound way. Our backgrounds are so similar, it's eerie, and probably why there was always such a very, very deep connection between us. Right from even before we met in person. Very strange.

But I have put in so much work.

The effect on the kids is deeply concerning. SS have put them on an S47, which means they will have to be spoken to, which DS (15) is NOT happy about, and is saying that he simply won't speak.

Last night, dd did a disturbing thing. He has done that hurling himself to the ground as though being attcked thing before. (You may remember that I lost it with him once last year and slapped him across the face, for which I was deeply and profoundly sorry). So it was a slap, and he literally and almost comedically, threw himself across the bedroom floor and cowered as though I was the Terminator or something. Anyway, brushing dd's hair last night, caught a knot, and she did the exact same thing, throwing herself to the ground as though being attacked. It was incredibly distressing, and proves the massive damage that has been done. sad

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Aug-11 12:31:09

That is sad, must have been quite frightening, perhaps to her as well as you but - you're out - she has a chance to unlearn those behaviours, put more constructive responses in their place. Absolute proof that what you are doing now is right. Were you able to talk about it and hug afterwards?

I guess they can't force DS to speak to them, but if the person who does it is very good at it he may start to see it as an opportunity to talk about things that bother him, if he wishes to. They are supposed to be there to help him after all, not add another burden.

thisishowifeel Wed 10-Aug-11 12:58:21

Yes, we were able to hug and talk it through. Poor little mite is being bullied at school....well not just her, a lot of the children are being plagued by this mini narc. So I was able to liken it to how she feels when S is manipulative, trying to get children told off for things they haven't done, and how scary it feels. She understood, and we had a big hug.

That is another thing, despite her goldenchild status, H was doubting her distress at the bullying stuff, saying she was exagerating and attention seeking, which angered me greatly. I can't imagine why one would not believe a six year old, especially when the school are more than aware of what's going on....why undermine your own "princess" like that. I am sure he is acting out the very strange stuff from his own childhood.

Two other things. I still never got to go to his family home. The kids have been, but I was never allowed, I don't even know the address. Very strange. He confessed that it was because he felt that I would judge him as it was a council estate, which is just so insulting, and says a lot about the way he sees me.

And the food thing. Oh where to start. All through his life, he has swung between being morbidly obese, to literally on a starvation diet, I mean nothing but grapes and coffee, for weeks at a time, losing stones of weight, very, very quickly. I was a nightmare to live with, and because he was so fussy when he was in eating mode, it is a blessed relief to be able to have normal meals! The brother who killed himself with heroin was a chef, a high flying one by all accounts, 'till he threw it away with drugs. He apparently was a transvestite too. The mother worked in catering too. His other brother is very, very aggresive. He was the one that sexually abused him. He is a serious alcoholic, and has nearly killed himself on a number of ocassions.

What a bloody mess. I thought my family were bad, with the cocaine and arson.

It is acually begining to sound funny now, Maybe that's hysteria. It's just all so unbelievable....but it is, sorry WAS my life. How I am sane, I do not know.

thisishowifeel Wed 10-Aug-11 13:00:05

IT was a nightmare....I am not, I am going for sainthood. A question genuinely asked by my first therapist!

singforsupper Wed 10-Aug-11 13:09:07

Hi, I think I remember you, I was going through shite at the time, still am though NOTHING to compare with what you have been through.

Seeing your old posts and your progress on here I hope will help put things in perspective for you.

There are some top-class people on here who will be here for you.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 10-Aug-11 13:27:22

Ah, bless the child, shouldn't happen to a six year old as you say. Only comforting thing I can suggest (other than that I think how you handled her meltdown was perfect) is that through these bad examples, coupled with the right responses from you and the school, she will learn how to recognise, handle and with any luck swerve well clear of narcs and other dangerously damaged people in future. It would be nicer if she never had to, but it's unrealistic to expect her to live a full lifetime without meeting a few of them at least.

I was reminded of the time my Dad got into a snit because one of us, me I think, offered to take some boiled eggs off the stove and he said leave it, so I said ok and started to move away but he shouted "LEAVE IT I SAID" and hurled the saucepan across the room. Some of the hot water splashed on my brother, then aged about 2, who howled and was of course instantly comforted by me and mother. A couple of days later my brother said "I'm going to frow..." and hurled a hairbrush with unerring accuracy at my head. He was a bit young to discuss it with but we did manage to gently train him out of it in a few weeks. It is all too easy to make some dramatic gesture that impresses a young child but a lot more trouble to get them out of it afterwards.

piranhamorgana Wed 10-Aug-11 14:01:53

Stay as strong as you are !

You know you gave it your best,but like others have said, he was threatened by your emerging strength and positivity.He thought/thinks he could sap that from you ,and get you back into a position where he is in control - ie,you being miserable and drained of energy.

She-Rah - you have conquered the vampire!

Annie is spot-on,your dc will have the opportunity to grow and learn through exploring what has been wrong,and learning how to recognise and avoid damaged people in the future.
They have your strength - which has and will continue to be,enormously protective,and also skilled professionals who are experienced in guiding children through this process.

In my case,our experiences with Nx have been the catalyst in exposing the number of other N's who have been/are in my life. Through standing up to him and moving on,I have been able to explain to my dc how and why Granny ,(for starters...) is someone mummy doesn't get too close to,and how they can deal with her when she says her strange things (yes,maybe we shouldn't see Granny at all...we may get there yet.)
I have heard dds 1 and 2 speak calmly and assertively to their dad,who ,whilst not an N,is a fairly skilled gaslighter.Strangely (or maybe not) we have all noticed just how many people we know are fond of gaslighting.We are all good at noticing and dealing with it.

Maybe seeing our experiences as an opportunity or even gift ,is stretching it wildly.But then again,we have both been taught by masters - our families.I am not sure that without experiencing the extreme behaviour of Nx,realising that it was abuse and learning how to unstick and move on,I wouldn't still be beating myself up for failing as a daughter,whilst accepting a distorted world view as normal.

Sorry to hijack.
Stay strong. >>> hugs<<<,

neuroticmumof3 Wed 10-Aug-11 14:03:49

Thank goodness you've got him back out of your life. You sound like a really inspiring and strong woman. I hope things work out for you and your DCs.

ManicPanic Wed 10-Aug-11 21:23:06

Bloody hell. Good to see so many of the Stately Homers here to support thisishowifeel. You sound like an amazingly strong, capable, resourceful and courageous woman. Remember that courageous means that you may feel terrified, but you plough on regardless.

Can't praise you enough for kicking your ex into touch, thisis.

thisishowifeel Wed 10-Aug-11 21:47:26

Thank you all so means the world to have such support!

Today, whilst it didn't stop me crying in the shower this morning, has been MUCH better. They did the security check, put some new locks and alarms in and stuff. Ds bought himself a Harry Potter game, the one he played when I split with his dad....coincidence? I think not, except this time he defeated the snake dragon thing in four hours, where he was not able to do that at all last time! They played it together, which was ace!!!!

My FB friends are ace.....some mention of singing again brought fun and laughter into my world. As well as exercising my BRAIN on things that have NOTHING to do with him! He HATES fb with a passion. Not surprising really. Although not as much as he hates MN! Mwah ha ha ha!!!

But there are hints that the hoover may be revving up....asking me when the social worker would ring him, as he wanted to "help" I said "I don't know". And asking whether he would ever be able to come home...I didn't reply to that one.

I DO feel terrified, although being back in touch with my muso mates is such a boost, 'cos they really rate me for some reason. Funny that?

Taking DS shopping tomorrow, dd is going out with him to the illusive grandad's house. She has her best friend's birthday party on Friday, so that is this week done. And I have a singing job tomorrow, which is the best thing in the world....a radio jingle...I love doing's like an instant hit. smile

Thank you....thank you. xxxxx

joblot Wed 10-Aug-11 22:32:43

There's some excellent counselling services around for kids, not just camhs. Ask the social worker about it. Your kids will be likely to benefit from some outlet that's not in the family. Ask if you need any info about social services and I will try to help

heleninahandcart Wed 10-Aug-11 22:33:12

Wow Thisis you have been to hell and you will come back. You may not feel like it right now but you are an inspiration, along with some of the other women here. You've done it before, you know what to do, you will do it again.

jasper Thu 11-Aug-11 00:38:20

you MUST keep up with the singing and music. Speaks to your soul and makes you feel essentially you

inatrance Thu 11-Aug-11 01:52:40

Wow you have done an amazing thing and without wanting to sound like a cliché - this really is is the beginning of the rest of your life.

thisishowifeel Thu 11-Aug-11 20:52:12

The hoover is well and truly ON.

Shopping bag full of "relevent to me" stuff. Heartbreaking texts.

Stay with me please.

Saffysmum Thu 11-Aug-11 20:56:16

I'm here thisis: silently willing you on and holding your are one awesome woman.

notsorted Thu 11-Aug-11 21:00:15

Switch the hoover off by turning off the phone? Is there anyone who needs to get in touch with you urgently tonight.
Find a phrase to repeat in your head (or sing under your breath) such as "this will not touch me". Something positive and then grab whatever makes you feel good - a bath, a book, some music, chocolate, wine and retreat away from the irritating noise of the hoover.

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