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Relationships

How could he do this?

38 replies

giantpurplepeopleeater · 04/08/2011 23:07

I have been with 'D'P for nearly 6 years. Last July, after being told repeatedly I was unable to have children due to a medical condition we found out I was 4 months gone with DS - was such a shock and we weren't ready so have made a lot of changes in the past year - we have moved, I sold my flat and went on maternity leave, for the first 5/6 months of having DS my DP spent one week with us and one week away for work until he could get a transfer.

I have really struggled both before and after the birth. I didn't have a great pregnancy, and got stressed out as we didn't have much time to prepare, was signed off work for three weeks for stress/ anxiety, ended up having SPD and spending the last month in bed, then had a pretty traumatic birth which led to me and DSbeing in hospital for a week after the birth. DS was then diagnosed with a rare condition which will mean he has to have his skull operate on when he is 14 months old.

The SPD pain has continued and I am still recieving physio and pain meds to deal with it (altho much better than it was). The anxiety continued too - and has gotten worse. I was diagnosed with PND in March, and have been trying to manage it through lifestyle changes and peer support etc. Have just been back to the docs this week as this is not working and I am getting stressed out too much and getting overwhelmed so am starting anti-d's and being put forward for councelling. I have also now been diagnosed with IBS - thought to be stress related. Have not got to grips with new motherhood that easily and have really missed work.

There has also been other stuff going on in the background. There has been a big re-structure at work and I have been under threat of redundancy. I still don't know what it will mean for my job and my return, and also my Mom was diagnosed with cancer in September and has been undergoing treatment since then.

All this has culminated in me being unable to control my moods, being very highly strung and generally being a bit of a nightmare to live with over the last 9 months or so. I have my good days and my bad, but I can quite regularly end up taking things out on DP. I apologise for this to him, and try to explain, but he is not much of a talker and generally doesn't want to talk about feelings and emotions. I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand what I am going through.

Anyway the other day he left. He told me he can't do it anymore and that he isn't happy.

I have tried to speak with him anumber of times, but he says he doesn't want to talk about he. He tells me he will only talk to me if its about DS or what we do about breaking up (finances, house etc).

This has all come just days into me trying another route to address my PND - getting the anti-d's and looking for counselling, asking for more support from parents, trying to get on top of some stuff thats worrying me proactively rather than waiting for it to happen. I have asked him if he will try to work with me so we can have a go at making it better, and at least try for the sake of DS. He point blank refuses.

How can a man who supposedly loves you kick you when you are down like this? This is the point where I need him the most and he has just run off saying 'i'm not happy' and 'I can't do this anymore'.

To be honest I am normally a very self-sufficient person, and have never really relied on him a lot. It seems like the first real bad patch, and the first time I am leaning on him a lot, and expecting quite a lot from him, and he bolts.

How can he think that this will make anything better? How can he not see that I am struggling anyway, and that this will only make things worse?

I have told him that I realised I was putting too much pressure on him, hence my asking my family to help me more. I have told him I understand how hurt he must be sometimes with the way I act but that I find it very difficult to control. It's all falling on deaf ears and now he refuses to talk to me. Not sure what to do.

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HerHissyness · 05/08/2011 00:23

Sweetheart, I feel for you. You have had an awful time of it and are still suffering.

His leaving is beyond the pale. how utterly selfish, self centred and down right treacherous.

This speaks VOLUMES about how inadequate HE is. You have so much going on, sure you are finding things hard, but you are still hang on in there. Fair play to you!

try to let it go, focus on what and who is really important here, and that is YOU and the baby! He can look after himself. spineless twat

Have you got RL support from friends/family nearby? could you get someone to come help you a bit?

I don't know what else to suggest, but I'm sure others will come with some more practical help and suggestions.

((((HUGS)))))

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1Catherine1 · 05/08/2011 00:25

You poor thing. I can't answer the question of why but can only speculate that he isn't strong enough to help you through this. You have a child together though so he will have to do his fair share with the childcare.

It is really important for you to recover and work on recovering so you can be the best mum you can to your DS. For this reason I wouldn't be letting your DP off lightly now that he's left. He might not directly bare the responsibility of your well being but your well being directly affects your DS so he still needs to help out.

Nothing more I can say tbh... I know in the last 4 months the birth of my DD has put a real strain on mine and DP relationship and we have had it relatively easy in comparison. I hope you and your DP can work it out and he sees sense sooner rather than later but more than that I hope you don't let this make you more depressed. A man who is worth getting upset over wouldn't do this to the woman he loved - you will be fine without him. You have someone much more important to worry about. Good luck [MN hug]

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Bogeyface · 05/08/2011 00:53

Try and think of it this way.....

He has left when you are at your lowest and the first thing you said was "how could he do this to me/us?" You havent asked "how will I cope?" because you know that you will. You first thought has been about what a selfish twat he is, and you should stick with that. You didnt wonder how you would cope because you know you will. You havent asked how you will live without him, because again, you know you will. Your issue is how can someone be so bloody selfish and the answer to that is because he is a selfish twat.

You will look back in a year, 5 years and ten years and be grateful that he showed his true colours now. Firstly because it means that you didnt invest years in a relationship with a wanker and secondly because it showed you how strong you are and how you didnt actually need him.

It sounds like you have a good RL support system and are pro-active about your illnesses so what can he realistically offer you that you cant get elsewhere?

Stay strong and be thankful that he did the decent thing and gave you the opportunity to find a good man

xxxxx

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want2sleep · 05/08/2011 00:54

Pah just posted HUGE response and lost it!!!

giantpurple I have been in similar shoes...

my ex left me when I lost my brother only 7 months earlier and I was 5 months pregnant! He just said he couldnt cope....in fact he met another woman off internet somewhere else.

My ds also disabled and ex abused him (i didnt know he would do this at that time and will NEVER allow ex to see ds again).

He is doing you a huge favor pissing off....he would have drained you and need to be strong for your mum and ds...get a CPN for your PND for weekly support ...you are entitled to this. Get a respite nurse for your mum if also enttled and direct payments for your child as he is disabled...ask for carers assessment!

Your ex sounds like mine...and I hope your ex doesnt project his guilt onto you by attacking you for years on top of all this like I have had to experience.

I am here for you PM me as I would like to help you too and we gain a support/friend...my ds has to go for surgery soon too allow not as big an operation I understand your fears

Sending you lots of (((hugs)))

xx

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solidgoldbrass · 05/08/2011 01:04

I am sorry for your situation and hope you are getting plenty of help and support. However I also feel some sympathy for your DP. You mention that you have been 'taking it out on him', and it is actually pretty hard for someone to live with a partner whose MH issues mean the other partner gets verbally or even physically abused, repeatedly. It's exhausting and draining and some people simply aren't strong enough to cope with it - was he getting any time to himself or support for him?
I hope that in the future, as you recover, you and he will be able to manage at least a civil co-parent relationship, but right now, concentrate on getting yourself well.

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 07:54

Thank you to you all for posting.

Solidgold - I know that I have not been easy to be around. I've apologised numerous times to him - and also tried to talk to him about things, and work out strategies/ get him involved in helping me cope. Although he hasn't taken much interest. It came out when I was trying to talk to him that he doesn't believe much of this is down to the illness - that I am just mean to him because I want to be. This makes me very sad, to think that he thought I was being so vindictive towars him purely to do just that, and not becuase I couldn't control my emotions and got wound up so quickly.... I don't know whether he was getting any support for him. I do know that I was doing as much as possible so that we could try and carry on as normal - he was going out and seeing mates etc while I was looking after DS. I knew after all that he needed time to be normal.

Her hissyness - I know this is how I should look at it - that it's his problem, but I can't. As solidgold pointed out - I know I have been a nightmare to live with. All I can think about is that I have driven him away by being so wrapped up in me and trying to make everything perfect for DS (one of the major triggers for all the anxiety). I can't helo think that now I have let DS down. Being like this has caused his parents to split upp - something that will affect him (in some way) for the rest of his life.

Bogey - I do know I will cope. Do I want to be alone? - no. At the moment can I face the idea? - no. But I have wonderfully supportive parents, a great GP who is working to help me, and I know it won't be too long before I am back on a more even keel with things. I have moved on leaps and bounds in only the last couple of weeks. But being a single parnet is tough for as long as you do it - and that scares me a lot.

Want2sleep - I actually asked DP if he had met someone else. Depsite all thats going on at the moment I couldn't believe that we had gone from hims telling me he loved me, to him point blank refusing to talk to me and walking out in just 4 days. I know I'm not the only one to go through something like this - which helps. But it still frightens me. DP was my best friend and I could really do with his help right now.

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solidgoldbrass · 05/08/2011 08:29

GPPE: But your illness was not your fault. And it does sounds as though your P was one of the less helpful variety when you became ill. Maybe your P would have turned out spineless later down the line anyway. And you have not let your DS down. Being a single parent is not a bad thing, it's much better than living with a disastrous partner (a violent one, an addict, one who takes all the family money and spends it on himself).
RIght now concentrate on yourself and DS and let the P look after himself.

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 08:45

Thing is, as I am sitting here I'm thinking about how I wish I could make him understand. I'm thinking that yes he has been finding it extrememly hard, but if I could show him somehow how this has affected me, and how wrong he is in thinking that I was just being mean to him for the sake of it, that he would come to some sort of magic realisation and that everything would be alright.

He is a wonderful father and very much took his role seriously. He was happy to look after DS and tried to help with things around the house. I just don't think he ever thought about trying to help me... that the endless list of 'jobs' to do round the house wasn't actually the problem, but my obsession with having everything 'just so' was actually the thing that has been eating away at me.

We had a big long talk back in April/ May time about how I was feeling like everything was getting on top of me, and together we thought about practical things which could help take the pressure off...... but these things never got done.

I just wish I could make him understand better...... I keep thinking that if he did he wouldn't be like this. That he wouldn't walk away and refuse to talk to me, and that we could work things through.

I know being a single parent isn't a bad thing.... but the best outcome for DS would have been a stable loving family home, with two parents who love each other and work together to support him. I know it won't harm him, but it could have been better.

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QuintessentialShadows · 05/08/2011 08:49

I really feel for you giantpurple. I have also had the combination of SPD and PND, and it is awful, and with very little help from family. The difference is that I had a husband who was able to help me through it. I did not see it at the time, though, I thought he was lacking understanding at times, but that is by the by.

I have no real advice for you now, only that physiotherapy did not help me ONE BIT. The physiotherapist told me she could not do anything more for me, and I would probably end up in a wheelchair in not too long. I was devastated. When you have spd, the worst affected areas are your pelvis, the sacroilic joint, and your pubic bones, and these needs manipulating and realigning. This is beyond the expertise of a physiotherapist. You need a chiropractor or an osteopath. They work on joints and muscles. Many osteopaths and chiropractors run special pilates studios where they can help you build up your core and your core muscles which supports the affected joints.

When I came to see my chiropractor for the first time, I could barely walk. Just getting from the car to his practice, was a major effort. It only took him a couple of months to get me back to normal. He said, his aim was to get his patients back up on their feet and out of his door.

Getting my mobility back had significant impact on my mental health. The moodswings evaporated, the pnd dissolved. It was the key to get back on track.

How can you function as a normal even-tempered person, and take life and the blows of life in your stride, when you suddenly become so immobile? For me, that was virtually impossible, and it was not until I could see that the chiropractic treatment was working, and I was really recovering until I managed to handle my mental health problems and other issues.

Try see if you can find a chiropractor or an osteopath, ok?

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 08:52

Oh god .... and now having just wrote all of that I am getting very angry....

I mean how can 'D'P be so self centred as to not want to try to understand everything and work on it??????

It's like I got the diagnosis of depression and he just shrugged his shoulders. We have never really talked about it. He has never seemed interested. He never asked about how I was feeling, or what was going on in my mind to make me act the way I have been.

It's making me angry just thinking about it now, because its not the way I would have responded. And it makes me not want to ever try to work it out with him. God if he did ever come to his senses and want to sort this mess out.. how could I? I would constantly be wondering if he was just going to drop everything and run again??? How could I trust him to stick by me if things were getting abit rough????

When I did try to talk to him I told him that I thought we were in it together through good times and bad, and that he should at least try to work on things before just walking. I told him that on deciding to have our child that I had done so believeing we would be together forever and would work at it to make it hapen. He just shrugged!

I mean how can I ever forgive him?

I know I'm going to have to otherwise I am just going to have utter contempt for him forever... and we need to at least be civil for the sake of DS. But how FGS?????

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 09:02

Quint - thank you for your post. Just trying to get on with things when your constantly in pain is the hardest thing I have done.

I am not so immobile now but the pain is immense, and the physio has helped some... but progress seems to have stagnated in the last couple of months, and my physio too has said there is nothing more she can do... I just need to keep on doing the exercises she has shown me.

Funnily enough my mother suggest a chiropractor. She saw one recently as she was having some probelms after her surgery and it helped loads. She has got me an appointment in a couple of weeks.

Just knowing that it gave you what you needed has made me very hopeful about it. Despite all of the stuff that is going on with DP at the moment, I do feel like the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a revelation and I can finally see clearly what has been going on with me. It's only in the last couple of weeks that I was able to pinpoint what is triggering my anxiety and now I can concentrate on how to manage it.

Having got the full support of my GP and started anti-d's as well as making a few other changes to things, I finally feel like I am starting to get a handle on things. It's why all this with 'D'P has come as such a blow.

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honeyandsalt · 05/08/2011 09:09

So.... you're caught between blaming you and him?

The real difference imho is, you're interested in fixing things and seeking help, and he is overwhelmed and has elected to leave. It's sad for all of you that he feels he cannot cope with things at home. If I were you I would accept the situation as it is for now. Yes, you have been dealt a very tough hand but no-one's life is perfect. If you don't believe me start a thread asking all the perfect people to raise their hands.... I don't think you'd get many replies! Or think of someone you envy, and then really think - are they completely satisfied with their lives? All the time? Perfection is a MYTH made up by the advertisers of pampers and baby milk. Seriously. Doesn't exist.

Stop trying to fix the past; you could drive yourself mad blaming you, him, this, that but at the end of the day all you really have is the situation you need to deal with now. And maybe he's done you a favour. Maybe you can lean on him to take DS completely a few days or several evenings a week, give you some respite. Maybe it will be better for both you and DS if - lacking him to argue with or lash out at - everything calms down. If you can accept your relationship is over, at least it's one less thing to stress about.

And remember - this too shall pass.

Take care, keep seeking help, lean on your family (maybe move home for a wee while if it would help). All the best x

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honeyandsalt · 05/08/2011 09:13

sorry, x posts Blush

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 09:20

Thanks honeyandsalt.

I have moved home for a bit. It has taken the pressure off for a few days. And your right. I need to accept and move forwards. It probably will be a lot calmer now. Or at least I'm hoping it will.

I just wish he would agree to talk to me. I do think having a break from one another would help.... but I don't understand why it has to be so final. I would love it if we could agree to have a rest from one another and focus on DS/ sorting ourselves out and then have a go at fixinf 'us' a bit further down the line.

I don't want to give up completely until I now I have really tried all that I could.

He on the other hand doesn't want to. He is so angry at me he can barely look at me and its eating me up inside.

I fell guilty on so many levels, for letting this happen, for being this way with him, for making him miserable, and for not being able to at least try to fix it.

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Bogeyface · 05/08/2011 09:20

With regard to the SPD, have a look at this website, as they may be able to help.

They gave me a lot of information when my SPD was at its worst and the physio and doctors said that there was nothing they could do.

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 09:22

Thanks Bogey..... off to have a look

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honeyandsalt · 05/08/2011 09:39

I hear what you're saying, and if he was being rational he would have read up on your health issues and sought support of his own. It's a shame he's not as strong as you are, but it is what it is. You didn't just "let this happen" though - you took strong positive actions such as talking through your problems, letting him know how you were feeling, trying to inform him about your illness. It was him that didn't take action to help matters. If he is unable to even try and understand your depression... well, that's it really. Your tried, he didn't. Done. Finito. For now anyway, you're on a break, how long term it is I guess time will tell.

FWIW, if he won't talk to you I suggest writing (email?).

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 09:53

I would love to show him this thread..... so he could see how I feel and am trying to work through it.

But the thing is I think he would just get put out and feel like I was 'airing dirty linen in public' and 'painting him in a bad light'. Even though its completely anonymouse and I don't think there is much here that could 'out' me IFYSWIM

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jasper · 05/08/2011 10:00

What was he like before the unplanned pregnancy? It sounds like his life post baby is so unlike his life prebaby . ( like yours isn't ? Wink ) and his reaction is " I didn't sign up for this !" So he bolts.
This is very sad all round and a stronger person would have been able to "man up " or whatever it's called nowadays.

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Apocalypto · 05/08/2011 10:05

Let's see - the OP gets pregnant and rather theb being overjoyed she gets sress, SPD, PND and IBS, he misses work, she takes it out on him. He's been given to understand that he is exists primarily to help the OP through all this, has no right to complain about it, and is not entitled to leave. At no point have we heard how this unanticipated pregnancy affected him or how he has been coping.

When the OP says "we need to talk", what he hears "I want to complain", and when he does express his view, she ignores it and returns to the conversation repeatedly trying to get a different outcome that she likes better. He considers this probably somewhere in the manipulation / bullying / whining spectrum, she considers it "talking".

Even though he has ended the relationship with her, she refuses to accept this, and is harassing him to have a further row with him so she can complain further. Her response to being crossed is mainly anger.

He has perhaps realised that if this is what things are like now, they are only going to get worse; that nobody in this relationship gives the merest stuff about him; and that he's tolerated as long as he does his chores and shuts the fuck up except to agree with the OP.

Meanwhile, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Younger, less angry.

The OP should ask herself what can possibly be in it for this man to stay with her. Can she list, say, 3 things he should really value that outweigh or at least offset the above? Can she think of anything really important to him that she's made a special effort over?

If not then what she needs is a staff rather than a relationship.

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SingOut · 05/08/2011 10:11

Agree with Apocalypto and sgb.

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tethersend · 05/08/2011 10:13

"How can a man who supposedly loves you kick you when you are down like this? This is the point where I need him the most and he has just run off saying 'i'm not happy' and 'I can't do this anymore'."

Well, this is huge. I don't think I could get back from this.

The thing is, you have sort of answered your own question- perhaps he doesn't love you. Or doesn't love you enough to get you through this. This does not make him a bad person, but it is incredibly painful for you.

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Apocalypto · 05/08/2011 10:22

"How can a man who supposedly loves you kick you when you are down like this"

Right, right.

And what about these:

You can't dump me, i'm ill.
You can't dump me, I've just lost my job.
You can't dump me, my mum's not very well at the moment.
You can't dump me, everything was perfect.

When does he have the OP's permission to dump her? Note that it's her he's dumping, not the child. He's quite happy to talk about their financial needs. What he doesn't want is the OP in his life, arguing with and harahguing him for being his own person.

Emotional blackmail is rarely a successful strategy for keeping a partner. Some people don't like being coerced into staying for some reason.

The OP had the complete right at any time to terminate the pregnancy and she can leave the relationship at any time while taking the child with her. He has fewer rights than she does in this area, yet she's furious that he dares exercise even those.

He isn't weak, he's bloody formidable. What does it take to walk away from your newborn child? Guts a mile deep, I suspect - and that what she's angry about. She's lost control.

I think the OP needs to deal with her anger issues above all. The lack of EQ and empathy aren't helping either.

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HerHissyness · 05/08/2011 10:34

Oh so deadbeat dads are formidable now are they?

Or is the OP's XP formidable only because he's prepared to write a cheque? Hmm Grin

OP discovered she was PG at 4 months, unless there is a pretty bloody good reason for termination, added to the fact she was told she would probably never have DC, she went for it, can't say I blame her.

No-one tells you about SPD, that little gift is only revealed once you realise you feel like someone's been kicking you in the fanjo. there was a real risk for me to have PND, but most people don't even give it a second thought while PG.

OP appears to have never seemingly been in a position from discovery of the PG to leave at any time, and by the sounds of it has tried to talk things through, but to no avail.

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giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/08/2011 10:36

Apocalypto - thanks - I agree with your first post and think I needed that! To see it written in blaack and white is very stark indeed. I'm guessing that is exactly how he feels and yes I probably haven't been very understanding to him at all. I've focussed so much on trying to do the right things to get over the is I have not put much effort into him at all.

Reading my first post again it does sounds as self centred as I am accusing him of being! Hah! Oh what it means to get some perspective!!!

I'm not sure I agree with your second post though. I don't want to tell him he can't dump me, or try to emotionally blackmail him. 5 days ago he was telling me he loved me, we were cuddling, having sex, making plans for the future (yes not all of the last 9 months have been a black hole). 2 days ago he tells me he is leaving and walks out. Nothing else.

I'm left at a loss. I would really like to understand where he is at and what he is thinking, why he felt he couldn't talk to me, and above all understand if this really is it, or if things have just got too much for him. I'm struggling with the way he has just switched off. And yes.. I do realise that this again is mainly about what I want. He obvioiusly doesn't and there is nothing I can do.

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