"Don't tell me not to throw things in my own house"

[VivaLeBeaver]

He's been a twat isn't he?

Me and dd are sat in the dining room. DH comes into the kitchen part (its a kitchen/diner), he finds a roll of parcel tape on the work top and picks it up and throws it hard into the dining room bit. But far enough away that it wasn't in any danger of hitting us.

I ask him what the point of that was and not to do it and that was the reply I've got. I know he's narked off as he says that me and Dd don't put stuff away properly (it was dd who'd left the tape out).

But surely I should be able to sit in my own home without him slamming round the place and throwing things.

[hillyhilly]

I often throw stuff thats wandered into the kitchen, back into the diining room as I get so fed up of stuff everywhere and I am no tidy freak at all.
That said, more often than not it is when there is noone else in the house or at least the room so the throw is not agressive IYSWIM- I guess you need a chat about what level of mess is acceptable and realistic

[VivaLeBeaver]

I could understand something been tossed back into a room, but this was an aggressive hard throw. Also the tape lives in a drawer in the kitchen so no need to throw it apart from nastiness.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

How old is your dd. You tell your dh that it's his duty as a father to teach his child to clear up after herself - thats what he should be doing, not throwing tape around

[VivaLeBeaver]

She's ten. The house is generally clean and tidy but dh is obsessed with nothing been out of place, even briefly.

[buzzsore]

Does he have OCD?

I think it's an absurd over-reaction. I presume it was an angry throw with attitude (rather than a cheerful lob saying "hoop-la!")?

If he's routinely an angry presence in your home then he needs to chill out. You shouldn't live day-to-day with someone slamming around. Occasional frustration is one thing, but if it's a lot of the time, it must be hard to live with.

[garlicbutter]

You didn't tell him not to throw it, did you? That's a really odd reply. Does he often act like a child in a tantrum??

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Is he aggressive and then defensive about it in any other ways?

[VivaLeBeaver]

He's not aggressive in other ways. Just slamming stuff about. For instance if I've been at work I get home an hour before him but am busy cooking dinner, sorting dd out with her homework, etc. So he comes back and there are pans, etc on the hop and not neatly stacked up by the sink. He will slam pans, baking sheets about while obviously in a bad mood.

[blackeyedsusan]

has he thrown stuff before?

[garlicbutter]

Gosh, he sounds fun to live with. Does he have a lot of good moods?

[cestlavielife]

you need to look a bit more into his behaviour - keep a journal, over the next week or so, what happens, what has triggered it, what happens next (your reaction his reaction dd reaction). see just how often his behavour is like this.
did he say anythingor just threw it?
are you always living on edge trying not to upset him?
had he had a bad day at work(does he work sundays?)
does he always have bad days?

[VivaLeBeaver]

He's thrown stuff before, but not frequently. He seems to be turning into victor meldrew lately. He's 50 next year, must be his age!

[Tortington]

i threw a plate today - to be fair i'd been wound up a hell of a lot and it started a chain reaction of events that led to a hell of a sunday.

anyway - id say hes got an ocd thing if nothing an be out of place but i am reluctant to shout ABUSER or anything - what with me clearly being one too

[clam]

Obsessed with nothing being out of place, even briefly.

Blimey. How's that working for you, viva?

[VivaLeBeaver]

I think he's a bit stressed at work. He's not properly at work today but always bringing stuff home with him.

He's been moaning that I work too much as well so maybe I haven't been on top of house stuff as much as in the past. I've just dropped a day a week at work though as it was all a bit much. My dads not well so I spend a lot of time seeing him. So hopefully now I've gone down to three days things might improve. And with great timing dad got rushed to hospital on Friday. It's not like I don't have enough on my plate.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Just read that back to myself, it sounds like I'm annoyed with my dad for being poorly. I'm not, I promise.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Clam, I try and ignore the huffing and tutting and let it go over my head. But must admit I'm often on edge when he comes home. And if I do happen to be on mn when I hear his key in the door I dive in the kitchen and make out I'm busy tidying up.

[Tortington]

well thats not normal, it sounds a bit like that julia roberts film what lies beneath - i think it was called - where everything had to be just so or else......

id tell him to get his fucking arse to the doctors as he is obviously mental and needs help

[nightowlmostly]

sleeping with the enemy it was custardo , when all the cans were the right way round in the cupboard...

[cestlavielife]

you work too much?
what about him? is house stuff your job?

how many dc do you have?

the fact you alter your behaviour because of fear about his reaction says a lot - analyse that a bit more. one might guiltily close mn at work - but not at home - it should be fine for you to be on your pc when he arrives home...
why isnt it ok for you to be on mn when he comes home?

how understanding has he been about your dad? can you take off and go visit your dad without it causing an issue ?

what does dd do to avoid a moan/outburst from him?

[Tortington]

yes yes thats the right movie

id have flung it back to be fair and said - go to the doctors you OCD bastard

[Tortington]

subtle me

[cestlavielife]

ok read again - so you have one ten year old dd and you are cutting back your work days beacuse he wants you to do more house work to keep it up to his standards?

or ??

ask yourself- how do you see yourself in eight years time when dd is off to uni and it is just the two of you . how will life be? it is a very useful exercise to do.....

[VivaLeBeaver]

Well I do feel stressed by work and feel I need to cut down my hours for my sanity. But yes, it does feel like I do most of the housework. Though dh has cut the lawn and cleaned the bathroom this weekend. I think it's all the little things I do which he doesn't notice, realise. Like dog walking takes up an hour a day. Then today I've been packing dds bags as she's going away with dm tomorrow for a week. Then I went to the supermarket and did a load of shopping. He just sees it as me not having done anything round the house. He's not said that today but he's implied similar in the past.

And also it's ok for him to leave piles and piles of post, leaflets, magazines on the kitchen worktop. He doesn't seem to notice that. Im not allowed to try and tidy it up as once I binned it all as it had been untouched for weeks and binned his new bank card. He still moans about that and it was eight years ago!

I think we do need to talk.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Chucking out the bank card was an accident, I just thought it was junk mail in the pile.