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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Controlling Behaviour.

56 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 10:55

What does it mean when someone admits being controlling ? is it to make it ok cause they have admitted it or is it a good start?.

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obrigada · 15/07/2011 11:10

Not a good start in my opinion, why would someone just admit to being controlling

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MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 11:16

I think it depends on a whole bunch of other stuff.

I admit to being controlling at times.

Crappy childhood means that to me there is security in having a feeling (if it is only an illusion) of being in control...but I am conscious of this need so try to NOT be controlling.

I'll give an example...

DH and I have an appointment to attend that I am finding particularly difficult to deal with emotionally...so find I am telling him what to wear. (Security in control actions)

He will say to me "Oi, who's wearing this shirt? Me or you?" Which makes me look at the way I am behaving and I reply meekly "You." Then I back off and get on with controlling myself only...ie get a grip of my emotions and control them.

Now this behaviour I see as being acceptable...as I really do know I have ishoos and am trying to deal with them.

Someone who says they are controlling and has no intention of looking at themselves and/or adjusting their behaviour is someone I would run away from very, very fast. |

They want you to accept their controlling ways and do as they say/as you are told without question.

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 11:23

Mizzy - I thought that. Admitting it, so it makes it ok to be like that.

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MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 11:33

I'd say it depends on whether they are working at trying to change...many people admit to being controlling but believe that is the right way to be...IMO it isn't hence my trying to change.

If you said..No I don't want to wear that, go there or eat a certain food...would the controlling person just accept your choice or sulk...if they sulk or punish you in anyway for thinking differently from you..then time to run.

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girlywhirly · 15/07/2011 11:33

I was married to a controlling man once so my opinion may be biased, but I would say admitting it is a start. A good start would be if they modified their behaviour without constant reminders, and good progress would be if they kept this up.

It can be quite difficult to live with, or have a relationship with someone who is controlling, because they tend to take any opportunity to resume their old ways given half a chance. It means the controlled person has to be aware of the others behaviour all the time which can be quite draining. Day to day life shouldn't have to be a struggle, although the controlled person can learn how to deal with the controller, why should they need to? Eventually it leads to resentment, lack of respect for, and actual dislike of the controller. They have to be really motivated to change and realise what they stand to lose if they don't.

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seriouslynow · 15/07/2011 11:35

depends on a lot of other things but a good guide would be:

does the person admit being controlling and feel ENTITLED to be so.

or

does the person admit being controlling and accept that it's wrong and take steps to stop.

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MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 11:38

I just want to say that in everyday life I'm not what would be classed as controlling...well I don't think I am anyway...DH of 20+ years only has to tell me 'get a grip' when I am extremely stressed emotionally...when I feel out of my depth in anyway.

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 11:52

I will try and give examples.

Bar work - I'm not allowed to do.
Clothes - won't try and stop me but will moan about other men looking at me when hes not there to protect me.
He will say i'm his.
As far as going out is concerned he is happy to do what ever i want to.

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 11:53

He admits he is controlling and says he is going to try and stop.

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amverytired · 15/07/2011 11:59

'He will say I'm his' - how horrible.

He's essentially saying 'I'm controlling, I've told you so, now you have to put up with it because I don't want to change'

He's not saying 'I'm controlling, I'm sorry, I know it's not right and I will seek out help to stop being like this'

How can he say he's ok with you going out if he moans about other men and what clothes you wear? He's clearly not ok with you doing what you want.

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MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 11:59

To me those behaviours thesunshinesbrightly are of someone who feels entitled to be controlling and IMO does not truly want to change.

If he wanted to change he would let you get the bar work and even appear to encourage you - as he would know stopping you from getting the job is not right - then he would deal with his emotions about it through counselling or whatever.

But he isn't he has laid down the law and expected you to adhere to the rules - not good.

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 12:01

No no no he is not fine me going out.. far from it.
we go out together and he will let me choose where we go.

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/07/2011 12:25

"not allowed"
"other men looking at me"
"protect me"
"says I'm his"

That's more than being controlling. That's treating you as a possession.

What are his concrete plans for trying to stop, then?

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obrigada · 15/07/2011 12:27

He will "let you" choose, surely that's a red flag?

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 12:33

I have another thread on here to 'what would you do?'.
I thought it was a step forward him actually saying he was controlling.
I feel like a possession.

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Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/07/2011 12:39

There's a saying that comes up a lot here, Sunshine: when a man tells you who he is, believe him.

They don't usually say it quite that explicitly. But really the question is: ok, he's told you he's controlling. Are you going to keep living with a man who's controlling and makes you feel like a possession?

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/07/2011 12:42

It's a step forward to a workable relationship if he does something to correct his feelings that you are an inanimate object, and works on it for the rest of his life.

It is a step forward to reeling you back in for more of the same if his words convince you that you should continue to devote yourself to him, without him making any actual changes to his beliefs.

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Bonsoir · 15/07/2011 12:43

My DP was a lot more controlling when I first knew him than he is now. He had grown up with a very controlling mother and repeated a lot of her behaviours. He wasn't very happy though, and he is a lot happier now he has let go.

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MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 12:45

Words mean nothing if not backed up actions.

I can say I want to be a millionaire...but if I don't get off my arse and make it happen via actions..tiz all nothing but hot air.

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/07/2011 12:46

I'd like to stress that it's his beliefs that need to change, sunshine, and not just aspects of his behaviour. And beliefs are really, really hard to shift.

"Letting" you choose your own clothes and your own job would not be sufficient, if he sees it as a concession on his part that you should reward him for through continued loyalty. That would just be adjusting bits of his behaviour without challenging the core beliefs underlying them.

What has he said he's going to do to change? "Let" you do a little more of what you are completely entitled to do as the sovereign human being that you are?

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 12:49

Not living together at the moment so that was a thought perhaps he will be different when we live together and calm down.

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thesunshinesbrightly · 15/07/2011 12:50

He hasn't said exactly, i'm going to talk to him tonight.

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MizzyTizzy · 15/07/2011 12:52

I agree with ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow I had to change my belief system into knowing and truly believing that DH or whoever has the sole right to be in charge of themselves.

..but I did start out by 'letting' go of the control first and then working on how I really felt and why before really learning to appreciate DH or who evers right to sole entitlement of their being.

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 15/07/2011 13:03

sunshine you are hoping that his behaviour will change for the better if you move in with him. Why do you think that?

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steamedtreaclesnape · 15/07/2011 13:04

sunshine, I very much doubt that it will improve once you've moved in with him - if anything, I would expect him to get worse. By moving in whilst he's still exhibiting all these controlling behaviours, you're essentially giving him the green light to carry on.

If I were you, I'd think very carefully about what to do next. I would want concrete proof that he thinks being controlling is a bad thing, and is trying to change his attitudes.

FWIW, this is the sort of thing a lot of abusive men will say at the start of a relationship (not saying that yours is abusive, this is just an example) as then, when they carry on being controlling and trying to run every aspect of their partner's life, if their partner objects, they can just say "well I told you I was controlling, you always knew that, it was your choice to stay with me". It's a way of safeguarding themselves so that you can't complain about their future actions.

FWIW, anyone who didn't "allow" me to work where I chose, or complained about other men looking at me, would be straight out the door. I've got no time in my life for that sort of crap. I run my life. Me. Noone else.