Shall I?

[LadyBlaBlah]

I have just come out of an abusive relationship (v.early days) of 16 years and I have a predicament.

I think everyone says that you should stay clear of men for a while, however I have met someone and here are my thoughts. I have a really screwed up view of sex having been coerced, put down and basically used for sex for a long time. And I want this to change and feel like I need to prove to myself that sex can be enjoyable again and not all men are hideous sex pests. This guy I have met is completely out of my social circle and (obviously) would be well up for a no strings arrangement, and I do fancy the pants off him.

Shall I or not? Will I regret it or will I have a Thelma and Louise - Brad Pitt moment of sexual liberation? I hate the fact I have not had reasonable sex for so long and that I was made to feel like it was all my fault.

[GypsyMoth]

it could go wrong and you may end up feeling worse. bit of a delicate time,having just come out of a relationship

i would say depends on how confident you are

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

How confident are you about your wants and needs (in general), and about clearly and unashamedly enforcing them, without feeling guilty?

Coming out of 16 year abusive relationship, that capacity may be eroded, and is essential for any new relationship, even if just sexual.

[RoseC]

It depends on your confidence and also may involve some trust. The only no strings relationship I've ever had was with an old friend who I could trust to respect my boundaries, still look me in the eye in the morning and treat me with a bit of tenderness as well if necessary. Maybe think about what would happen if it went wrong - would it be worse than if he didn't happen at all? How do you think he would treat you based on what you know of him?

Congratulations on gaining your independence :) I hope you find a situation you are happy with.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Don't forget Brad Pitt ran off with all their money!

[LadyBlaBlah]

I honestly feel like I deserve it and have no guilt about that. I am generally confident - a bit shocked at what I put up with for so long......but still have some sense of self worth. I do have a problem with how my sex life has been for so long. And I want it to change, I can remember feeling amazing having sex with my ex-bf years and years ago, and just want to do that again, remind myself of that.

[LadyBlaBlah]

Oh yes, forgot that very bloody relevant bit Annie, I was just concentrating on the "what happened to your hair", "it got messed up" bit

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You have done so well to get out of an abusive relationship; that took a lot of courage.

Too many variables so I would say no in answer to your question. It could all go so very wrong for you, what if you fall for him for instance?.

What would you say to a friend in this position, that may also give you some more perspective.

I would suggest you get yourself onto a Womens Aid Freedom programme as this can help with the long term aftermath of abusive relationships. Abusive men can take years to recover from and at the very least you should have counselling.

[humptydidit]

Well done for getting out...

If you want my totally honest answer, I would say don't even go there. Wait until you have given yourself time to heal. I think it would be too easy to end up in another situation which will be unhealthy.

I understand what you mean about having a bit of no strings attached fun. I have been there myself in the past, but I question if you have been emotionally battered for the last 16 years , are you really ready to set of on another potential emotional rollercoaster?

In the end, it's your decision. Have you got support in real life to deal with the abuse? If not, contact your local domestic abuse service and get yourself a support worker. They won't judge you for whatever you have done or are thinking about doing...

I guess what I@m trying to say, is take care of yourself... you hvae the rest of your life to enjoy yourself.

[ehedydd]

I would say no, take time out for yourself, to get to know yourself again.

I think you have to ask yourself some questions.....Do you know this man? Where did you meet? You also need to ask why does he want no strings? Is he in already in a relationship and will you be the bit on the side? If so and you fall for him you'll end up getting hurt again and that will so not be worth it!

[barbiegrows]

I think you should go for it. As long as you don't end up on Jeremy Kyle in 6 months time, what should stop you? I think the danger is in getting involved in relationships with men. A no-strings-fling suits him as much as it suits you, but make sure it is what it is and stays that way. In fact I would go so far as to say that if you don't have sex with someone fairly soon, you may load it with fear and anxiety, so do it while you feel confident.

[Anniegetyourgun]

A psychologist would no doubt have a field day with the widespread tendency to forget the end of the story, when it isn't the ending we want to hear about. I remember a poster here - Grace I think it was - saying how her mother would tell her the story of the Little Mermaid, who gave up everything for the man she loved, so she grew up believing in Love Conquers All and had to unlearn it the hard way. I pointed out that in the version she would have read, many years before Disney gave it a happy ending, the Little Mermaid did not get her man. She danced tragically at his wedding to his childhood sweetheart and then threw herself into the sea, knowing that she would dissolve into foam. Funny, her mother had never dwelt on that bit...

Oh, and btw, when I split from XH I had a massive upsurge of libido. I felt almost frantic to prove that he wasn't the only man who would ever want me. As circumstances worked out I didn't get round to having any, and still haven't, three years on; the need just subsided. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but that this is a phase which will pass and scratching the itch won't necessarily make a difference.

[Hullygully]

You're going to, aren't you?

I would.

Even though it's probably wrong. I dunno.

[LadyBlaBlah]

Oh god, I just don't know.

He has just come out of a long relationship. He is only 29 and lives an hour away. It would just be sex..................but could I handle that??? Scared I would fall for him like Attila says.

Am going to support group with WA - start next week. I have friends in RL who are being really supportive about what is going on but they too are split about fling though.

Hully may be closest to the mark though after all

[Hullygully]

Ok, give yourself a month beofre you do, that should be enough for a couple of meetings and a tiny bit of reflection yet not too long to make it out of the qquestion...can you do that?

(I wouldn't be able to)

[SexyDomesticatedDab]

What have you to loose? Might be the start of something good.

[Hullygully]

She'll have to loose(n) her undergarments for a start

[SexyDomesticatedDab]

lose!

[LadyBlaBlah]

Are you me Hully?

I've been trying to work out what there is to lose. The one stupid bloody thing it comes back to is what would stbx do if he found out? FFS

[Hullygully]

That is a very bad reason no to.

List out the pros and cons and we can help you

[SexyDomesticatedDab]

That could be an interesting list

[LadyBlaBlah]

Pros:
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Share intimate time that is not abusive with a man

Cons:
stbx finds out and goes apeshit
I fall for him

[Hullygully]

Why is falling for bad?

[SexyDomesticatedDab]

If you fall for him and he is free and reciprocates isn't that good and the start of a new realtionship?

[BertieBotts]

I did this and it did go wrong. I waited 3 months and stupidly thought that would be long enough and that I could handle things being no-strings, etc.

And I won't lie, the sex was fantastic and it did give me a good boost to feeling like maybe I wasn't broken, sexually. But then I kept reading into things, thinking ooh we have a great connection, etc, maybe he will end up falling for me, maybe this could work out. He was far away as well so I was sure I wouldn't get too involved, still did though.

Anyway then he spelled it out really clearly that he didn't want a relationship and we agreed just to be friends and not to sleep together any more, and I was really really gutted, it was really strong, like I'd just been dumped by someone I'd been seeing for a year or something. I hadn't realised how emotionally fragile I was at the time to be hit so hard by it. And then we did end up seeing each other and sleeping together but this time the connection bit was sort of gone and it was just weird and I ended up feeling really used and disconnected and I got quite hurt by it, and so I did the coward's thing and just stopped contacting him, and deleted him on facebook a while later when it became clear to me that he had never intended to be friends.

But.. having said that, I did approach the relationship with a sense of caution and a really strong sense of "What would MN say?" () and I did learn quite a lot about boundaries, even if some got pushed, I got a sense of what a non-abusive man is like in various situations, I learned that being dumped hurts but isn't the end of the world, (someone said here at the time that it was a "clean hurt" unlike the kind of hurt I felt with XP when he used to play games etc) and I could see clearly the difference between having relationship drama in my life and just being single, not having to worry about anything like that, so it was a useful distraction for a while (didn't get DS involved at all) and helped me come to a place where I was happier being single than looking for that new relationship thrill, and I think that was very valuable.

I think you're going to do it anyway, (I would ), so my advice is just keep some distance, don't get DC involved, if you start feeling like you're sitting around waiting for him to call etc, make yourself busy doing other things, in fact do other things anyway. Don't let all your happiness depend on him, consciously make an effort to seek out other things which make you feel happy and/or fulfilled as well. Go at a slower pace than you think necessary, to counteract the fact your judgement is likely to be off. Repeat the mantra, what would MN say? Imagine posting for advice, if you KNOW everyone would say run, consider running!

sorry for the essay!

[LadyBlaBlah]

Thanks so much Bertie - that kind of answers Hully's question too.
Your bit in the middle explains why I am scared of falling for him, but as you say, it is a lesson about boundaries and expectations I am going to have to learn sometime. I realise my boundaries are all screwed up, I have been observing other couples and can see it totally differently now - what abuse looks like and what healthy looks like and I cannot claim to have extinguished all my subservient abused behaviour and think maybe I can only do that by experiencing non abusive contact?

Would never dream of getting DCs involved. No way ever.

Love "what would MN say"