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Should I stay in this marriage

(29 Posts)
Bwo Mon 28-Mar-11 22:02:21

Hi, hoping some-one can give me some good advice. I've been married for 15 years and have two kids 12 & 9. Our problems started just after my second child was born. I suffered some after delivery health problems and was admitted to hospital. My dh didn't seem to understand or be supportive. The year after that was terrible. His behaviour became child like and I suffered with continuing health probs and post natal depression. Eventually I gave him three months to buck up his ideas or he could leave. Things gradually improved but I've always found it had to forget the hurt he caused when I was at a low ebb.

Things have changed again over the past few years. Last year I discovered he had taken out a join credit card and ran up huge debt on it. I had no knowledge of this, nor had I given consent for this. He must have forged my signature. I found out by a letter from the card company. First he denied it but then admitted he didn't want to tell me. Its put a huge strain on us financially and I worry myself sick over how its going to be paid back. Hes put on alot of weight and has developed some disgusting personal hygiene habits ( too gross to explain ) I had a serious health scare a few months ago and again was very unsupportive. This lead to alot of rows and he told me that he was only staying because he felt sorry for me. I was given the all clear but the hurt is still there that he again couldn't support me in this. At Xmas we were at a work do of his when a girl he knew came up to him, put her arm around him, they talked very closely together, then she gave him a smacker of a kiss right on the lips, right in front of me. We did talk about it and he said that he didn't realise she was doing it ( ??????? )

I feel he has lost total respect for me in every way. Our sex life is non-existant for several years now and I couldn't bring myself to do it anyway. I'm so worried about our kids and how they'll be if we separate. The money side of things is a constant worry and I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this and feel so alone. Any advice would be great.

washnomore Mon 28-Mar-11 22:03:55

I am surprised you're asking whether you should stay married to him. Of course you shouldn't. He sounds awful

HerBeX Mon 28-Mar-11 22:07:55

Um, no.

If I were you, I would phone the credit card company and report his fraud. There is absolutely no reason why you should be saddled with his debt once you divorce him.

And divorce him you should. You haven't got a marriage, have you? He stays because he feels sorry for you? I feel sorry for you that he's stayed.

magickcat Mon 28-Mar-11 23:03:45

I think you know the answer to your question yourself here. It's scary to think of ending your marriage, but it sounds as though you have no reason whatsoever to consider staying. Your kids will be fine if you separate, it's tough but it gets easier and seeing you so unhappy and undermined will take it's toll on them. Respect yourself and your needs and look into your options. Have you contacted the loan company to inform them of what he has done? As mentioned before, what he has done is fraud and you shouldn't have to be worrying about his debts.

You can do it without him and be happy again, hope you find the strength to show him the door.

SlightlyJaded Mon 28-Mar-11 23:52:21

At no point in your op do yeah you love him, respect him, admire him, like him.

You obviously don't fancy him - in fact i sense you find him physically unattractive?

So the question is this:

Is he your very best friend in the world? Do you love, like, admire him so much that you can live with his dishonesty and within a sex free marriage?

Unless the answer to that is 'yes' you should end it. Or seek serious relationship counselling.

SlightlyJaded Mon 28-Mar-11 23:53:28

'say' not 'yeah'

Predictive text is killing me tonight.

mathanxiety Tue 29-Mar-11 04:43:04

Answer is 'no', and report the fraud. My guess is he has a girlfriend or several.

Or some other little habit. Investigate your finances.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess Tue 29-Mar-11 05:14:51

Sounds crap. I think you need to divorce. Staying together "for the sake of the children" is seldom a good idea.

Bwo Tue 29-Mar-11 17:24:58

Thank you for your replies. Another row this morning when he rang me at work. I told him he wasn't going to upset me at work & hung up. I think the thing I find hardest is that he won't accept any responsibility for his actions and dosen't seem to realise that his marriage is tittering on the edge. We have two wonderful kids, a lovely home etc and he seems very happy to throw everything away. Math you are right about checking finances - alot of bills have gone unpaid. I am so worried about this as he looks after the home finances.

I would love to talk to my family about this but feel embarrassed/humilated as it is. My mother has never been very supportive on any level. I've been on the edge of tears all day and have been anixous & panicky. Just wish I knew what to do for the best.

juneau Tue 29-Mar-11 17:42:37

I'd start by making lists of your financial obligations and see if anything can be done about them (debt consolidation, etc). The CAB should be able to help you with this. I'd also speak to a solicitor about what would happen in the event of a separation. The initial consultation is usually free.

And no, I don't think you should stay in this marriage - it sounds like it's been dead for years and neither of you really cares about the other. Don't stay together just because of the kids - it won't be long before they start to see your marriage for the farce it is anyway.

perfumedlife Tue 29-Mar-11 18:47:55

Bwo, the panic and fear will be awful I've no doubt, but the minute you start to take action you will start to feel better. I promise you that. Staying in this sham is not an option, unless you want your mental health to suffer again.

He sounds vile. You sound great. You are working and worrying and keeping all this anxiety in. It's not fair. You deserve a better life than this. See the Citizens Advice people and a lawyer. Small steps to start off. Then when you know what is what, tell the bastard to sling his hook.

mathanxiety Tue 29-Mar-11 19:45:21

You must, must, must get to the bottom of your family finances asap. Contact everyone who normally sends you a bill. Is there money coming in? Do you have a joint account that you could investigate?

I think your H sees the family as either a terrifying burden or a nuisance tbh, and has for a long time. I also think there may be something else going on with him, something guilt-inducing, hence the bolting.

mathanxiety Tue 29-Mar-11 20:11:15

Sorry, the reference to bolting was because I was thinking of another thread. The rest stands though.

What I meant to say was the hint that he's only staying because he feels sorry for you perhaps indicates there's something going on but he has some guilt.

Bwo Tue 29-Mar-11 21:15:44

Hello again, alot of what you've said makes sense. I've often felt like an inconvenience to him espically when I've been ill. Talk about kicking some-body when the're down ! And you are so right I deserve so much more than this. On the financial side, he earns a good salary so I cannot understand how hes got us into so much debt. He did have a problem a few years ago with online gambling and I bailed him out but I told him that with this he is very much on his own & he must be an adult and take responsibility for his actions. We have separate bank accounts so I don't know what he does with his money. I took an account of my own several years ago for this very reason, that I don't trust him with it. The kids are aware that we're having problems and my eldest asked me a few days ago if we going to get a divorce. I do worry about the impact of it on them but I can't continure like this.

HerBeX Tue 29-Mar-11 21:51:06

Bwo - just remember that the impact of living with 2 adults who don't respect, love or like each other, is just as great, and probably more negative, than that of having their parents live apart.

dontdillydally Tue 29-Mar-11 22:05:20

bwo - I understand

My husband swept me off my feet now 10 years on I just think...what a disappointment.

Last year was dire for us....he's always in debt, hidden things from me, lied to me, booked to go on a friend stag do abroad and it took a friend to mention it to me, also took a loan out to pay for it, booked a corporate sports day for work and when I found out about it from a comfirmation letter that came through the post I had to book a days holiday as it was one of my work days....he is very inconsiderate and like you our SL is not existent.

Now found out he's taken out another loan over 2 years - nothing whatsoever to show for it - again found out after he defaulted on first payment. He says he doesnt know what it goes on.

He has now signed up to a golf club and spends his days off playing. Ive had to take over the finances again and sort it all wont happen again he said..this is about the 3rd time.

The outcome is obvious ... he knows my biggest fear is breaking our family up as I am from a broken home and dont want that for my son but I feel very well...empty most days

Gosh sorry just realised Ive high jacked your post...but please understand your not alone

Bwo Tue 29-Mar-11 22:19:23

Thanks Dontdillydally, it does help to know I'm not alone. To the outside world we are the ideal family, both got good jobs, nice home, cars etc Inside I want to run away and hide. I understand totally what you mean by feeling empty. If I had enough money I'd leave. My family think dh is great as do friends/work colleagues etc God I wish they knew. In many respects I think he is still a child. He was the youngest in his family, very spoilt and thinks thats what I should be doing for him. I've told him that I am not his mother and never will be. The problem is that he just dosen't get how I'm feeling and no amount of explaining seems to work so now I don't have any other option but to get tough

mathanxiety Wed 30-Mar-11 20:53:23

He is gambling again. He has let his hygiene go and he is putting on weight (from sitting around and eating junk while gambling?). It sounds like an addiction, and he has no time for any other demands on his attention.

Please talk with your family about what may be going on and how you are feeling. Dump the shame. You are not the problem here.

SugarPasteFrog Wed 30-Mar-11 21:37:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dontdillydally Wed 30-Mar-11 22:28:31

how you doing bwo?

My family also think the sun shines out his backside...Im waiting to see what Mother's Day brings on Sunday

HanBanan Wed 30-Mar-11 23:35:27

No. He sounds very unpleasant. At least you've already got separate bank accounts, that's a good start.

Bwo Fri 17-Jun-11 18:39:02

Update : things have moved on considerably over the last few weeks. After my intial posting I told dh that I felt we should separate towards end of this year as I couldn't trust him anymore. My daughter sits some important exams before Christmas and I didn't want to cause any upset for her. We also have a holiday booked in July ( paid for by myself ) I also wanted to buy some time ( scuze the pun ) and get some money together.

I have since discovered dh has six.... yes six more credit cards that I knew nothing of and has various amounts of debt. Only consolation is that they are in his sole name. I have also since found out today via the mortgage company that he hasn't paid it this month. In addition the amount was considerably more than I was lead to believe we were paying a month. When I asked him what was going on he said that he gotten into arrears several years ago and he took an additional loan to update the payments ??!! I don't know much about this stuff but sounds fishy and probably lies.

Really wish I could leave right now. I just want to do right by the kids re. the holiday and my daughters exams. Have been shaking all afternoon and feel I should tell my family whats been going on. The strain is immense and feel such a failure that I didn't see any of this going on.

america Fri 17-Jun-11 21:13:27

I have had similar experience with X and the CC companies were not helpful at all. Unfortunately if he has forged your signature, apparently you have to go to police to report it, otherwise you are liable for the debt.

america Fri 17-Jun-11 21:14:02

Oops, forgot to say the most important bit. I am so sorry for you.

Bwo Fri 17-Jun-11 22:16:26

Thanks America. Dunno how I'm gonna get through this. Just keep telling myself that I will ......

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