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Delayed ejaculation with new partner

(41 Posts)
hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 13:52:34

Hi, I have name changed, but hope thats ok. My new man has delayed ejaculation, and we recently slept together for the first time. I havent really heard of this before and a search on mn reveals only 4 posts.

I can see that after time it can become quite a tricky situation, and tbh I felt like i couldn't give him enough satisfaction when we made love. I don't take it personally but i am worried that it could effect us emotionally. I know he has had this well he says, all his active sex life. He doesn't really want to talk about it which is fine, becuase i expect he is used to it.

I just wondered if anyone else has a partner or dh with this, and i mean long term rather than the odd occasion iyswim.

I can't think of any significant events here on mn that I can quote to prove I am a name changer. confused!!

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 13:55:17


Pixie83 Thu 25-Nov-10 14:08:32

show off!

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 14:13:04

thanks, but do you have any advice, and hugemelons is a wish not reality!

ISNT Thu 25-Nov-10 14:23:06

No experience of this but my friend is married to someone who takes an age to ejaculate and it's a nightmare for her, I can well understand why.

I understand it's a new relationship but the fact he won't talk about it is still a bit odd. Do you mean he acknowledges it's a problem but won't talk about it, or that he knows he has it but doesn't see it as a problem?

There is advice out there on the internet I'm sure - but it will be advice mainly for him, so not much good if he won't talk about it IYSWIM.

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 14:44:09

I think becuase it is a new relationship, that he just wants us to be relaxed, rather than it be this 'thing' to get in the way.

We have spoken, albeit briefly about it, and he told me about it early on when we were 'dating'. It isn't that he is somehow ashamed, more self concious, and it's not something I know much about.

ISNT Thu 25-Nov-10 14:47:10

Fair enough obviously not to want to have in-depth talks about sex in a new relationship!

It seems peculiar though that he would bring it up himself, and then say he didn't want to talk about it IYSWIM.

How delayed are we talking here?

TechLovingDad Thu 25-Nov-10 14:48:00

Does he drink a lot?

ISNT Thu 25-Nov-10 14:53:13

Yes good point. Or smoke dope/take other drugs?

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 17:09:41

no he doesn't do either, apart from the odd beer. I think he wanted me to know from the beginning that he takes a long time to ejaculate. I expect that in previous relationships it has been there, and maybe has caused problems.

He has said it has always felt like some sort of mental block, and this is what i seem to be reading when i have sourced through google.

AnyFucker Thu 25-Nov-10 18:10:44

I think there are ways you can manage this, between you

Like making his ejaculation not the focus, and making sure that when you are done, there is no more penetration (nobody likes friction burns, thrush, bladder infections etc)

I don't see it as a massive problem, if he is happy to sometimes not come, when you have had enough/need to get up early then you postpone

What we talking here ? How long ? An hour or 3 weeks ? wink

Contrary to popular opinion, enjoyable sexual intercourse is not all about the man's orgasm

xkittyx Thu 25-Nov-10 18:19:50

My previous partner had this. He would almost never come during sexual intercourse. I had to get him there through oral/manual stimulation and it took an absolute age, by which point I'd be thoroughly fed up. Or we'd have sex till I came but then stop, which I started to find quite unsatisfying emotionally. We eventually had less and less sexual contact till it fizzled out altogether but I'm not saying that was the reason or the only reason.

travispickles Thu 25-Nov-10 18:21:28

I used to go out with someone who almost never ejaculated and I found it a real problem. Logically it shouldn't matter but it always felt a bit one-sided and unfinished tbh. It actually turned out he had narcolepsy which may have contributed (i left him before I found out!!). Have physical conditions been ruled out?

allgonebellyup Thu 25-Nov-10 18:26:18

Anyfucker - can i just ask (sorry to hijack)- is it common for a woman not to want penetration after shes "done?" is it common for thrush/frictions burns/infection afterwards?

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 18:35:32

i think it's workable of course, I just hadn't really heard of this. It does make you feel like you can't somehow be enough, so that would effect me by me thinking i can't please him through vaginal penetration. Which one of course assumes is THE thing for most men.

I think he can go a long time without coming, but i am not sure how long! I had to use my hands and mouth when we had finished.

It just seems sad to me, that it doesn't happen for him.

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 18:36:48

and of course your partner coming inside you is something i enjoy, and thought was erm normal.!

Teaandcakeplease Thu 25-Nov-10 18:48:11

My H took quite a while a lot of the time, definitely a mental block at times and as his porn addiction got worse (which I didn't know about at the time) he actually got worse bizarrely enough and it took longer and longer and longer to satisfy him and he became more withdrawn whilst trying to be physical. Very odd when I look back. We're now almost divorced as he left me for a 21 yr old. I was shocked at the time that he'd even cheated on me as he often didn't feel like sex and turned me down more often the longer we were married.

I felt a lot like xkittyx but I kept trying really hard to make it work and to be interesting and exciting etc in our marriage. Not that that worked. Anyway enough about me, I've gone off on a tangent blush

I'm fairly sure I wasn't that disastrous in bed though, I think it was his own issues hmm

AF asked how long we're talking. How long?

cowboylover Thu 25-Nov-10 18:58:40

I have been with my DH for 9 years and it was the same with him when we first started seeing each other but I think it took about a year for him to be totally comfortable but still now its only certain positions.

I think justenjoy your new relationship and in time the good time for a discussion will come or it will work its self out. If you put pressure on I found that it can make it worse.

DH will kill me for saying so I am glad he doesnt see this! It all came from a previous partner that decided she would stop taking her pill and he heard from her friend when she congraulated him on trying for a baby. At 17 this was not what he wanted so they spilt instantly and he lost trust for a long time.

I can honestly say it has made no difference to our excellent relationship and now at 15 weeks pregnant very happy x grin

CrawlingInMySkin Thu 25-Nov-10 19:29:29

Hi my ex had this and at first it was quite a blow to my confidance however we found a good way around the fact that he would take ages we would do a lot of joint foreplay and joint oral sex after I orgasmed we would then do penatrative sex and he would orgasm about 70-80% during that then after oral sex. About a hour in total of both oral and penetrative sex and some before of foreplay and he would orgasm mostly sorry if TMI HTH.
This is not threason he is a ex BTW that was my fault I had a lot of issues and kept running from people I fell in love with sad

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 19:58:37

the how long, ok, hasn't come inside me but with oral and hand from me, and a bit of help from him then he has after about ten minutes.

I believe there are issues for him emotionally and mentally, but i have to accept they are nothing to do with 'ME' and what i make him feel.

For him as a man, and he is quite a blokey bloke, i expect it most be nerve wracking, and on his mind.

I think lots of laughter, love and getting to know each other will make a difference to any anxiety.

thanks for your help. it is a subject that needs understanding and addressing. I am a frequent mn etter and have never read a post on this.

yetanothernewname Thu 25-Nov-10 20:02:36

DH and I have been together for 28 years, married 25. He has always taken a long time to come. Even at first, he could take up to an hour and now, occasionally up to 90 minutes. Usually, I would say is about 45 - 50 minutes. I have never seen it as a problem though. At first I did not know any different (he is the only man I have ever slept with), but mostly, because he is so considerate with me. I always get to orgasm first, and usually more than once grin. I can honestly say that I have never had any soreness, thrush or infections that I would attribute to this.
I don't get 'fed up' because I love doing all the things for my Dh that he enjoys and I am usually surprised afterwards when I see the time.

I don't really see this as any different from those women who find it difficult if not impossible to orgasm through penetration alone, I just regard it as a male version of that.

I guess that ultimately only you can decide whether you want to continue in a relationship where this may be an issue, but I know that if this had been a problem for me, I would have missed out on a fantastic relationship with a man who is a great husband and dad, and who really is my best friend.

PinkIceQueen Thu 25-Nov-10 21:25:05

Ten minutes?! Is that a long time then? blush

CrawlingInMySkin Thu 25-Nov-10 21:31:13

PinkIceQueen men with delayed ejaculation tend to orgasm faster with wanks or blow jobs IME so at ten minutes for that it probably takes 40-50 during penetrative HTH.

hugemelons Thu 25-Nov-10 21:32:06

yetanothernewname, thankyou for your post it was really informative and great of you to share.

I say ten minutes or so, but that is after having penetration for about 1/2 an hour. It's prob not that long in reality, and maybe if i didn't even know he had difficulties i wouldn't be het up about it.

My ex founf it very difficult to hold back, so this is very different to me. Again, i am just sounding out and trying to find out.

PinkIceQueen Thu 25-Nov-10 21:44:36

Ty CrawlingInMySkin, I am quite naieve about these things despite my advancing years. I would enjoy someone that could maintain an erection for that length of time tbh blush (again). Well 30 minutes anyway, 40-50 must be exhausting!

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