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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

I feel so sad for dd, how can I make this easier?

50 replies

akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 18:17

Dd started Reception this term. She settled in quickly, made friends, loved it, she was in the nursery there before going into reception so knew the school and other kids well. She is super sensitive (I know everyone says this about their kids but she really is, always has been right from new born, total velcro baby) so the fact that she settled meant a great deal to us and was such a relief.

Ds has been out of school due to his SN, we finally got a place at a new MS school for him with an ASD unit attached. He started this morning. I cannot get dd and ds to their school on time they are miles in the opposite directions. So dd was supposed to start there this morning too. Well she completely refused and was sobbing in the most heart breaking way about wanting to go back to her old school . I had talked to her at length about the move and she had seemed ok. At the teachers suggestion I brought her home again and so she has not been to school today. Do I try again tomorrow? I cried all the way home in the car (didn't let her see) because I feel like its just so crap and unfair on her to have to move schools when she was so happy.

What now? Shall I start the settling process again, ie staying with her for an hour or two for a couple of days until she settles in? What would you do? Its half term next week, shall I just keep her off until after that and then try again? I feel clueless really, it was ds I was worried about but he went off without a backward glance. Opinions please?

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NatashaBee · 17/10/2011 18:26

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dikkertjedap · 17/10/2011 18:27

Does either your dd's old school or your ds school have before school care, so you can drop one off before the other?

silverfrog · 17/10/2011 18:28

if your ds' school is miles away, is he not entitled to transport?

purplewerepidj · 17/10/2011 18:29

Your DS should be entitled to transport (usually taxi/minibus) - I suggest you ask the lovely folk over in SN Children for advice as I know very little beyond the fact that it exists.

Your DD's education needn't be compromised because of your DS's needs

Catsdontcare · 17/10/2011 18:30

I would probably try and find a CM to take her or if her old school has a breakfast club then I would send her there.

thisisyesterday · 17/10/2011 18:31

oh gosh. i really feel for you.

is there no way at all that you can get them to different schools? would a friend be able to help out at all?

akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 18:35

I probably could get them to different schools but one would be late. They are twenty minutes apart. I was expecting a load of posts saying "don't worry, she will get used to it" but now I think I have done totally the wrong thing by pulling her out. No friends here and very few CM. So would you put her back into her old school then? Her dad suggested it today and I have been thinking about it all day, I feel like utter crap .

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akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 18:36

If they even have her old place still open.

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LynetteScavo · 17/10/2011 18:41

She will eventually settle in her new school if you give her enough time, and you and the school put enough work in.

I'm surprise the teacher suggested you take her home. Usually DC are whisked away from their parents, unless the parents cling to the DC, and the staff are unable to do so.

Or you could just put her in the before school club at her old school?

thisisyesterday · 17/10/2011 18:43

i would move her back if i could find a way of making it work that didn't include one of them being late.
so that might be school transport for your son, a breakfast club for one or the other of them, asking favours from friends, using a childminder...

obviously if none of those things are viable then work on settling her into the new school

akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 18:43

I didn't cling, honestly, I really wanted it to work. Do you think we should try again tomorrow? There is a Breakfast Club at her old school but totally over subscribed.

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thisisyesterday · 17/10/2011 18:44

i do agree that she will settle eventually though, and actually i think it shows that the school are very child-centred if they said to take her home as she was so upset... that's a good thing IMO!

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 17/10/2011 18:45

I would either get her to breakfast club at the old school, or find a childminder to take her to school.

Poor little soul!

LynetteScavo · 17/10/2011 18:47

How many years would you have them at different schools?

I the long run, I think it would be best to persevere with the new school, even if it takes a lot of work now.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 18:49

I think you should speak to her old school and see if there is anything they can do to help. There may be a teacher/librarian who would be happy to keep an eye on her until it's time to go to her class until there's a space in the breakfast club.

If not, there must be a mum at her school who would have her in the morning and take her with them. Sometimes it's just a matter of being brave enough to ask. Given your situation the school might consider putting a note in bags or in the school newsletter.

I'm sure she would eventually get used to her new school - but it does seem a bit unfair to move her due to DS (though understandable).

akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 18:51

Ds will be there for two more years, he is Year 4.

I am going to ring her old school tomorrow and see if place still available but I have a bad feeling about it, it is a popular school.

New school has higher Ofsted and we thought it would be a better choice.

If I pressed on with the new school should I insist on the settling in thing again? Staying with her for a while or only part time etc for at least a few weeks?

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LynetteScavo · 17/10/2011 18:54

If you press on with the new school I think mornings only for the first week would be a good idea. She would be back again in the afternoon to pick up your DS, so she could say a quick hello to the teacher then.

But agree a formal settling in plan with the school and stick to it.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 18:56

I wouldn't. If she has to go to the new school :( then I would go 'cold turkey'. Have a few firm words about having to go whether she likes it or not, about all of us having to do things we don't want to do - along side reassurance that she will soon make friends etc and don't make it because of DS needing to go there. No settling and faffing - IMO that just makes it worse. Tell her today was a one off - no amount of crying and fussing will change the fact that she has to go to the new school. It sounds tough - but sometimes tough is the kindest way to deal with things.

I hope her old school can fit her back in though!

thisisyesterday · 17/10/2011 18:59

yeah if you press on with the new school then talk to the school AND her about settling in.
you could also promise to arrange some playdates with friends from her old school so she knows she can still see them?

akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 18:59

Thank you. Ok, I will ring her old school tomorrow if they have place still, she can go back there, I will make it work one way or another.

If not then will just have to tell new school she only going in mornings until she has settled in a bit.

God I feel utterly crap, this is the most regret I have ever had of any choice I have made for my dc since they were born.

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akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 19:00

See that was my instinct chippingin but it feels so bloody hard on her .

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akaemwahahahafrost · 17/10/2011 19:01

Already spoke to one of the mums from her old school this morning about meeting up with one of her friends from there next week.

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thisisyesterday · 17/10/2011 19:09

I disagree with going cold turkey. she is only little and I think it's important she knows that you are there to support and comfort her when she is very upset.
and if the school are willing for you to do settling in with her then IMO there is no reason not to

why make her even more upset than she needs to be?

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 17/10/2011 19:23

Because it will drag on and on and on and she will think there is a reason to be upset. All of the class will be going in, by themselves, for full days, singling her out to have her Mummy there will not help her settle in and make friends.

But TIY we fundamentally disagree on many things - so I don't expect to agree on this.

umf · 17/10/2011 19:34

Don't feel crap!! You're obviously trying to make the right arrangements for both of your children. You have good reasons for thinking it best to move DD - and it looked until today like she was ok with that.

Since she's not, investigating whether keeping her at school 1 is possible is a good idea. If you can't do that, then you'll have to work out (with the help of the new teachers?) the best way of smoothing her transition to school 2.

That's not a feeling crap thing. That's a very sensible, doing-her-best mother thing.

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