Help how does my daughter escape this friend

(32 Posts)
Icantfindausername Wed 19-Dec-18 20:25:43

Hi
Any ideas please help.
Basically my daughter is 12 and this girl (who NO ONE likes) - I'll call her grace - follows her round at school day in day out.

My daughter is the only one who gives grace the time of day and so she's latched onto her.

It's actually at the cost of her other friendships though, as her friends have started being off with her weeks ago and ignoring her etc. My daughter was upset and couldn't understand why.

Weeks later I got school involved as things weren't getting any better and my daughter felt like she only had this grace speaking to her.

I must say my daughter doesn't actually like this grace she just feels sorry for her as no one likes her. Anyway school got involved and 3 of her friends admitted they have actually fallen out with her because this grace follows her everywhere and they can't be doing with her.

They admitted it was an awful thing to do to my daughter.

My daughter has now told me she wants to get this girl to stop following her around but she doesn't know how to stop the friendship in a nice way.

She's upset that she doesn't like grace and being kind to her has affected her friendship with her friends and to be honest I don't know what to suggest?

Any ideas much appreciated and thanks for reading.

OP’s posts: |
30birthdayholiday Wed 19-Dec-18 21:19:17

Could she suggest it Grace that she would like to play with someone else, and maybe play with Grace on 2 days a week and other friends 3 days a week, since she doesn't get to see her other friends much anymore, she hopes Grace will understand and let her go on her own for a few days?

ThomasRichard Thu 20-Dec-18 17:15:29

Why does no one like Grace?

ZoeZebra1 Thu 20-Dec-18 17:17:38

Geez poor Grace. Hope the other girls wake up and realise excluding one girl is not ok.

Dimsumlosesum Thu 20-Dec-18 17:22:14

God, poor Grace. She sounds like a lonely little soul that is starving for friendship, and is being treated like shit on other girls shoes. I was Grace. I would say and do and wear and be everything wrong. My intentions were always, always good, but words would come out wrong, I never wore the right thing, I never knew the right people, or the right music, I didn't have a clue about anything, couldn't judge when I was being got rid of, and the other kids treated me exactly as your daughter and her ghastly friends are treating Grace. I guess all you can do is tell your daughter to be direct, gently or not, about not wanting Grace to be anywhere near her. Poor Grace.

AornisHades Thu 20-Dec-18 17:22:24

How come Grace has no friends?

SD1978 Thu 20-Dec-18 17:24:42

I'd like to know what Grace has done- and having friends who blank you because one lonely kid is following don't sound like friends I'd be that bothered about losing. Unless there is a massive drip feed and grace is actually a bullying psychopath, your daughters friends are a bit mean to blank your daughter based on one Lonely kid.

LovesLaboursLost Thu 20-Dec-18 17:24:44

You’re asking us to advise how your daughter can best get involved in bullying Grace through exclusion to make sure she isn’t a victim of bullying herself? Are you certain about the messages you want to send your daughter?

SD1978 Thu 20-Dec-18 17:25:37

@LovesLaboursLost- pretty much what I tried to say/ you said it more eloquently!

goldengummybear Thu 20-Dec-18 17:27:41

My son had a clingy friend in y4 and we had to ask the school to interfere and help the boy make new friends because the friendship was very unhealthy. They helped the boy with counselling, social skills etc and a year later he was much more popular as he wasn't fixated on just my son.

Ahrightsoted Thu 20-Dec-18 17:35:19

My ds was this girl. He never quite fitted in and as a result his last year at primary school was spent being ignored, shouted at and pushed around. Nobody would stand up for him and risk the pack turning on them.
My son has never really recovered from that year.
What about the children that commit suicide? How many of those kids had someone to stand up for them sad

showmeyourgroovymoves Thu 20-Dec-18 17:46:42

Poor Grace sad

Orchiddingme Thu 20-Dec-18 17:53:25

I feel sorry for Grace, but no child should be asked to be the sole friend of someone they don't even get on with very well nor responsible for their mental health/suicide (!) going forward.

I would go back to the school and ask them for help setting up something for Grace, and tell your dd to limit her time with Grace.

Friends are not compulsory and whilst exclusion/bullying isn't ok either, by the age of 12 people have moved beyond 'all play nicely together' and are forming emotional relationships- this is actually healthy and not something that should be suppressed. You should be able to chose your friends, not have compulsory ones.

Funny how on the thread about real friends when the person told their actual friend they were down, but the friend couldn't make time for them before Christmas- everyone said it was perfectly reasonable to meet your own needs first and not to have anything left over to give to a friend. Here the OP's dd is being made to be the sole saviour of Grace- it's actually better if Grace has some real friends who like her not one who doesn't really care about her at all. The school may be able to assist with this transition.

Trampire Thu 20-Dec-18 18:06:12

Get the school involved.

When my dd was in Y7 she had a Grace. She vaguely knew her from Primary but they never really got on. They both ended up being the only two pupils from the Primary who ended up at the Secondary.
My dd was friendly and polite at first however still tried to keep her distance. Grace clung on. My dd struggled to make new friends herself, however her Grace made it awkward. Grace would say weird things, act oddly, lie about things and throw childish tantrums. Other pupils backed off.

Dd was miserable. I was worried about Dd but also very about Grace. I also vaguely knew Graces Mum.

Luckily I think Graces Mum got the school involved and she had done great pastoral care. I'm not sure what they did, but these days (Y9) Grace has a good group of friends. Dd also has her as an acquaintance (I don't think they'll ever be close) - however dd says she's changed a lot and is much happier.

Definitely talk to the school. Some pupils just take longer and need more help. Hopefully they'll work wonders.

ScienceIsTruth Thu 20-Dec-18 18:11:53

My Dd is Grace.
Please think about the message you're sending your child.
My Dd is loyal, kind and trusting and would make a lovely friend if people gave her the chance, but because she's a bit different, and doesn't always understands social cues (due to Aspergers), she's excluded and spends most of her time alone.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 20-Dec-18 18:24:18

i think Yiu would be right to speak to the school. Everyone excluding Grace is awaful but your DD cannot be the only one to spend time with her, at the cost of her own mental health and friendships. Your DD doesn’t even have to know that you have spoken to them.

How would she feel about spending one or two lunchtimes with Grace? They could go to a group together, so that the focus is entirely on one another.

However, I’m not sure DD’s friends sound great either.

DarcieStarlight Thu 20-Dec-18 18:33:09

I feel so sorry for Grace 🙁 a child with no friends and wanting just anyone to be friends with her. She must think a lot of your daughter to be following her around all the time.
It isn't ever going to be ok for your daughter to exclude her just so she doesn't get bullied herself.
If she genuinely doesn't like this girl though and can't see them ever being friends then she needs to tell her outright. It would be a shame if she only doesn't want her around so as to avoid being the subject of taunts herself. It's not exactly bullying but it's not far off.

Icantfindausername Thu 20-Dec-18 18:42:36

Thanks for the non judgemental replies. For the ones asking what message I am sending out - the message I am sending out is to be kind to everyone always, a message I have always followed and will always encourage my children to do.

However surely you must understand my daughter having this one friendship because she's lost all her others is not good for my daughter. She's so upset about losing her friends and she feels so bad for "Grace" too.
She's actually spoken to school for help.

I think Grace's family are a little different - they don't celebrate Christmas birthdays she can't take part in a lot of activities, she's not allowed to get on a bus etc etc. I don't think it helps with fitting in at school. She apparently smells quite bad and she -always brags about how rich she is so this doesn't go down well with other children.
I'm going to see what happens in January and if I need to then speak to the school xx

OP’s posts: |
GhostSauce Thu 20-Dec-18 19:04:40

Come on all, I don't think OPs DD is the bad guy here.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 20-Dec-18 19:07:54

She doesn’t hace to do this at the expense of her own happiness though. If she genuinely doesn’t want to hang around with Grace and it’s not just that she’s worried about being excluded too then the kindest thing would be to tell her that she’ll still talk to her but she doesn’t want to hang around with her anymore.

Icantfindausername Thu 20-Dec-18 23:54:37

Thank you @GhostSauce xx
@JiltedJohnsJulie that's what my daughter said she would just be honest with her but I thought that was harsh. Do you not think. My daughter wants to say I'll see be your friends and speak to you but I don't want to hang about 24/7 at school and have no other friends we both need other friends. I was just worried in case that's awful for grace to hear.
My daughter says they have nothing in common she just follows her round and she would rather she didn't. She's too kind to be mean and that's why she's spending much time treading carefully with grace.
Thank you everyone that understand xx

OP’s posts: |
TTCI Fri 21-Dec-18 00:00:00

It sounds like Grace comes from a terrible home and that's why she makes up that she's rich. Probably not a parent or guardian that cares enough about her to make sure she's clean. Then she finds a friend and things seem better and she's about to lose that too. Miserable home life and miserable school life. Poor lonely wee soul. Heartbreaking. School should be encouraging the girls to include Grace. Disappointing. 💔

GreenTulips Fri 21-Dec-18 00:08:16

Every Grace I've come across is quite mean and their intention is to have one 'best' friend and intentionally isolate another child to be their one friend. It's suffocating.

DD had to move tutors to get away from Grace - luckily she was in different sets for some lessons and made a few other friends.

It's not down to our daughter to save Grace. Her family and teachers need to step in and help her socially.

I think your DD being honest with her is the best policy because at the moment the friendship is a lie

Didyeeaye Fri 21-Dec-18 00:11:21

I agree it's a shame for Grace and I would encourage you to speak to the school and express your concerns as it sounds like a child protection issue.
That being said it's not your DD's responsibility to have to be her only friend at the expense if her own happiness. I can understand her friends, at only 12, seeing the only solution as leaving DD to put up with Grace alone since they really dislike her.
I would try and get support for Grace through the school to ease the pressure from DD and tell DD to explain to grace she is her friend, but doesn't want to hang around with her.

Icantfindausername Fri 21-Dec-18 07:45:31

She doesn't have a bad home life that I know of. Her parents are jehovah witnesses so different beliefs. They live in a lovely big house drive a nice car so I think they do have a lot of money. I think her smelling is more about her not showering rather than her not being cared for x

OP’s posts: |

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