Should I buy my son a bra?

MuteWitness · 2018-12-15 23:00:31

Hi all! My son is 11, 12 in January. He is autistic (high functioning), very bright and good-natured boy, he’s always been open with me and I’m happy he can talk to me about his feelings, but lately I’m just stuck on how to respond appropriately to what he’s asking. He’s always been curious about feminine clothing, enjoyed having his nails painted, trying on shoes, wigs, jewellery etc... on a World Cup themed fancy dress sponsored walk last year he dressed up as Theresa May - wig, dress, necklace, full makeup - as one example! At around 7 years old he kept taking a bikini top from my drawer in secret, once and I found him wearing it in bed. Over the years he’s asked a few times to wear my underwear or swimwear and I’ve brushed it off. A few days ago, he came into the kitchen while I was cooking and announced that he would like to be ‘gender non-binary’ (his phrase). I said that was fine and we’d talk about it later. Then at bedtime, I asked a few questions, basically just trying to see what his thinking was and how he was feeling. He told me he doesn’t see why he should only conform to what is expected of him as a male, and would also like to do all the things females can do too, which is obviously fine. He told me he doesn’t want to change his body or his name, but said he might like ‘they/them’ as pronouns in the future. The bit I’m struggling with though, is that, aside from wanting to wear dresses etc for comfort (fine by me), he told me that what he wants more than anything is to wear a bra. We discussed what it was he liked about bras in particular (I was wondering if it was an autistic thing; he likes heavy blankets and to feel wrapped up in things or constricted), and he said he thinks he’d like the feel and the look, but that he thinks it might be his ‘fetish’. This is where it gets a bit tricky for me, am I dealing with his exploration of gender identity here, or is that just a vehicle for sexual curiosity? So the upshot of the conversation was really that he desperately wants me to buy him a bra. I’ve told him I will think about this; on the one hand, I would be fine with it if I felt it was just to explore his curiosity about gender, but I feel uncomfortable with buying him something that is really just a sexual object to him? Idk! Opinions please! I’m really stumped. He’s been asking me several times a day since we talked, so I don’t feel like I can brush it off this time! He’s asked me to keep it a secret from DP, which I have done so far.

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Thanks to all who wrote helpful and supportive posts on this thread. It doesn't look like the OP will be returning so we're taking it down now.