grade A dicking around in the mornings instead of getting ready for school

[megletthesecond]

I'm currently in despair over 10yr old DS and his behaviour in the mornings. Rewards and sanctions haven't worked.

Currently off to work but ill be back later to try and think of something more coherent to say .

[insan1tyscartching]

I'd probably act faux sympathetic, commiserate with him being so tired that he's struggling to get ready for school on time. Then spring it on him that he's got an earlier bedtime by one hour so that he is better rested and more able to get ready on time in the mornings. Tell him that when he has done two weeks of getting ready on time without fuss ( a rubbish morning means the two weeks is extended by a day) you will review the bedtime situation but any morning he doesn't make the grade he goes to bed an extra 15 minutes earlier that evening regardless. If after the review mornings slip the earlier bedtime will be in place for a month before a review. Friday and Saturday nights he gets to go to bed at his current bedtime.

[steppemum]

How does he get to school?
Because I would be telling him he is leaving at the correct time, in whatever state he is in, PJs/half dressed/without school bag. Talk to teacher and explain this is what you are doing, and if he misses playtime because he has forgotten homework/pe kit then so be it.

I think you would only have to get him out of the door once not ready and he would get the message.

Or (and I must say I love insan's approach) Tell him that he is now resonsible, and that he needs to leave by x time, and you will no longer nag etc, but hand it over to him. Again. warn school, so he gets a rocketing for turning up late on first day. Then when he complains shrug your shoudlers and say it is up to him, he is responsible for getting out of the door now.

Both are easier if he walks and harder if you drive him.

[megletthesecond]

steppe I've tried the marching him out of the house when he's not ready, the parent support lady at school suggested it. He just kicks and hits me too much so I had to stop. Fwiw he loves school, perfect pupil, loads of mates etc. It's not a school refusal problem, it's me .

insan1ty I could try that. The TV goes off at 7 pm and he has a good bedtime routine but he does mess around until 10. I could ban all tv until he sorts it out but it would impact on his sister, might have to think about that.

I just realised he got ready for Grandma extra early and without arguing last week when I had to leave for work early, she hadn't bribed him or anything . So its definately a problem with me .

[megletthesecond]

steppe yes, we walk.

[insan1tyscartching]

So have no TV on after school and he goes to bed an hour before his sister and she watches TV that you have recorded from earlier, he will hate that even more
What is he messing about at until 10pm? It's a good bedtime routine when they are asleep fifteen minutes after getting lights out IMO not when they are pissing about for an hour or more after you have sent them to bed.
Sounds like he's messing you about at both ends of the day so you need to be stepping down hard.He will be in secondary school before the end of the year, bags to pack,kit to get ready, homework to be done you need to instil good habits now in preparation for the added demands he has coming.

[RocketQueenP]

my pre teen is fecking awful in the mornings

worse than the toddler and the 7 yo

following in hope of some suggestions!

[itsbetterthanabox]

My mum did all of those things.
I still struggle to get out on time.
Some of us are just too haphazard. Does he find going out stressful?

[steppemum]

I'm sure you already do this but
everything ready night before - clothes, books, bag pe kit, put by front door.
No screens at all in morning.

Another laternative to the early bed is to wake im earlier.
ds - you seem to not have enough time to get ready, so I will wake you up 15 minutes earlier today, and if you are still struggling, another 15 minutes earlier tomorrow.....

Open door, remove duvet switch on light, turn on annoying radion out of his reach.

The complete opposite to all that is - does he generally have trouble organising himself, or is it just a cba thing?
Does he need reminders and time checks - so dd2 has - 7:15 breakfast, 7:30 empty dishwasher 7;45 clarinet practice. I haven't imposed this at all, but she worked out the times and follows them religiously, it helps her to know how her morning is going.
Breaking the getting ready into time slots helps as he does't end up with a pile of undone things at 8:30.

[insan1tyscartching]

Oh yes I have one with dyspraxia (and two with autism) so had to train them into being organised. Visual timetables are great, timers are helpful too fundamentally I trained them until it became clockwork, they followed the same routine every morning, no tweaks or interruptions once they had got it sussed though and definitely no distractions.
Dyspraxia and autism makes it harder work for them but not impossible but I'd guess you would have an inkling as to whether there was an underlying difficulty rather than him dicking about. Have to say mine would have hated getting up earlier more than an earlier bedtime so definitely worth considering.

[megletthesecond]

I've spoken to ds and the plan of action is to set his alarm 15 minutes earlier. His response "cool! So I could be up at midnight?!"

It might break me before its breaks him but I'll give it a week or so and see if he decides whether dicking around or sleep is more important.

He's already on no tablet and massively restricted tv but I can trim the TV back if necessary.

Thanks for the suggestions.

steppe yes, seriously organised. Uniform out the night before, school bags in box by the door, I even lay the breakfast table for them.

[megletthesecond]

Still dicking around today. He's getting up at 6:45 tomorrow.

[Oakmaiden]

He just kicks and hits me too much so I had to stop.

This is your problem. He assaults you and that gets him his own way. Huge consequences needed, I think - it is a shame that it might impact on his sister, but I suspect his poor behaviour is impacting her too.

[megletthesecond]

oak she does the same thing I'm afraid. I've had years of problems with dd that I'm still working on. School and gp won't help because they're so perfect at school and my family have underminded me a lot which doesn't help. I'm desperately trying to stand my ground now and hope my mum doesn't have a go at me for being strict and / or letting them get their own way.

[VeritysWatchTower]

I have 2 sons one of whom is 10 and he is fully aware that he is now of the age of criminal responsibility. Any violence toward another child or an adult in your case could result in the police being called. Maybe you need to point that out. I would also inform school that he does this to you. Do not hide this behaviour from them.

Personally, I would dress him myself. If he wants to act like a 5 year old child, treat him like a 5 year old. Terrifying if he is in year 6

Also this crosses over into games/tv shows etc he can now only watch cbeebies.

And a tv ban doesn't affect his sister because she gets to watch it, he has to be elsewhere in the house.

Point out how he can get tv back by just doing what is expected of him.

[megletthesecond]

Update. 6:15 wake ups didn't make any difference. He just messed around for longer.

I had to try and get him ready today. As usual he justed drops to the floor screaming and lashes out at me.

I want to try to ban him from the TV but he'll try and break my door handle if his sister gets the TV and he doesn't. They've both broken handles before. I'm not sure how long I can sit in the landing to stop him either when I've got other stuff I should be doing. Housework won't do itself after work.

verity I've had the parent support lady out a couple of times and when I tell her he just lashes out when I get him ready she looks appalled and says he shouldn't do it. No actual idea on what I can do to stop it .

The kids don't like me working which doesn't help. DD said she hopes I lose my job so they don't have to go to holiday club. Yes, we had very serious words about that.

[megletthesecond]

Bad typing there. Meant to say he just dropped to the floor and lashed out at me.

[citychick]

hi ladies i have been following with interest as i too am the owner of a disorganized pre teen

no tantrums with us, just slow and stubborn .

one thing i find really helps us in any sort of situation when we are up against the clock is to drop the word "you".
as in YOU need to get out of bed...
YOU need to get dressed.

it puts too much pressure on those with a disorganized disposition, i feel

instead i say things like
I need to see an empy bed
I need to see you in your uniform
I need to see an empty plate..etc etc

ds is 10 and i do find putting the emphasis on my needs rather than his works really well for us.

regarding pre teen "criminal activity", nip round to local police station and ask if you can get an officer to put the fear of God into them. in an appropriate way obvs.
or grab a.Bobby walking down the street.

i have warned ds i will be marching him down to the local station for a serious chat..
good luck

[megletthesecond]

city I do the "I need" part and it doesn't work.

I'm currently in the process of confiscating things each day he messes around. So gar I've got a tablet, Nintendo DS, Nerf gun? Snooker cues, army torch gadget, headphones and heaven knows what else in my room. Pocket money ground to a halt too. I'm working on banning tv for him but need to figure out the logistics.

Had a day off work with stress this week and it was so much easier dealing with him because I had time to stand my ground and knew I could deal with stuff once I was back home.

[Mehfruittea]

I'm only at 5 yr old stage so with trepidation for the future.

I have started leaving his curtains open at night, the natural light from sunrise has resulted in an early easy wake up and on time for school every day I've tried it.

Obviously this only works in winter but it gives me some time now to establish a good morning routine.

Best of luck

[ILoveDolly]

I'm currently trying the Your Responsibility thing. Today dd actually set her alarm got up and less shouting from me as we were on time. Was amazing but will it last

[highlandholiday]

I've no idea if I'm doing the right thing but with my dd (7) I've gone against the perceived wisdom and let her have the tv on first thing in the morning. She really hates getting up and dressed so it's an incentive to get up and a distraction.
She gets dressed on the sofa and if she faffs I press the pause button until she carries on.

Obviously I'd much rather she just got up and dressed but this approach seems to work better than getting cross and shouty.

[citychick]

see we has to get rid of the telly as ds would stand and stare and do nothing . removing it took away that stress.
now he's just slow . and gets side tracked .
i am trying the "your responsibility" thing too but not sure he really cares at all

sigh...

i have tried to put a more positive spin on it mostly. rewards if does things quickly instead of always taking stuff away.

really hope he grows out of this asap
such a bore.

[citychick]

we had to get rid of the telly
sorry..blame the phone!

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

How about taking the tv hostage to work and leaving it there until earned back?

Assaulting you when not getting own way to me is the much bigger issue. I agree with talking to your pcso and seeing if they can have stern word. I wish the school were working with you on this, do they have a family liaison member of staff you can talk to?

[megletthesecond]

Update. I think I've possibly found a solution. For all the mucking around time in the mornings he gets equal grounding time after school. So 15 mins ignoring me in the mornings means he has to wait to go out and play with his friends. Most effective sanction yet. I hope it lasts .