Newbie: Hurtful comments from people

[KelBel13]

Hi Everyone,

First, a quick introduction. I'm a newbie and I only joined today. I heard about this site in a book I'm reading called The Baby Diaries by Tess Daly. So I thought I'd come along and check it out.

Im 16 weeks and 3 days pregnant and feel that being a Mummy is something I have wanted for so so long! The only problem is, some people and certain ''friends'' have been making some very hurtful comments.

My partner and I havent been together for what most people would consider 'ages' but we're madly in love and know it feels right. Having a baby together is something we both wanted very much. When we announced the pregnancy many people reacted with shock rather than delight for us and said things like ''Ooops, I take it that was an accident??'' or ''Was it planned? Its a bit soon''. I spent so many evenings crying on the sofa as these comments really upset me.
Have other people experienced this?
Am I over-reacting?

My partner seems to be able to just take it on the chin and not let it affect him. But I'm furious that people think they have the right to ask such rude, intrusive and hurtful questions!

[Alicetheinvisible]

Hello

It doesn't matter what your situation is, people will always think they have a right to comment on it.

As long as you and your DH are happy and the baby is well cared for, it really is no concern of others. Take pride in proving them wrong

[CMOTdibbler]

I think you are overreacting, but the hormones do do that to you. If you haven't been together for very long, then peoples first thought will be that your baby was unplanned (and try to think that if a friend was in the same position, would that have been your first thought ?).

Try not to take things too personally - one thing that comes with pregnancy and babies is lots of peoples opinions, and you do need to just be able to shrug them off, else you'll spend a lot of time crying

[PoxyChick]

KelBel - Its not just you and your situation honestly I've had exactly the same comments about baby number 2 and I have been with my husband for years. You just can't please some people!

But, sadly, this is something you will have happen more often now so try to grow a thicker skin. Once baby comes people will feel free to tell you that they fed their baby in a better way, their baby didn't need a dummy etc etc.

Take no notice and don't let them spoil your pregnancy.

[MrsSenior]

I agree, everyone seems to have an opinion on everything when you are pregnant and for some reason feel the need to share them all with you!

As long as you and your partner are happy with your situation then it is nothing to do with anyone else.

Men tend not to get quite so wound up by other people's opinions plus you're pregnant and I definately find I cry at all sorts of silly stuff so that could well be contributing to how you are feeling?!

Just concentrate on you and your partner and your impending bundle of joy and forget about everyone else.

And congratulations

[tafi]

Oh! poor you honey,i had a whirlwind romance too,got knocked upwithin 6months and it was a totally mutual decision.Had people talking for a while but i didn't care,you know why? coz I MADE THAT CHOICE and i knew how i felt. NOONE has the right to question your choices unless they are hurting someone else. Go ahead and enjoy this great time in your life,you won't have a first time again.Your partner has the right idea,your priority is your health and the baby so ignore all that.Next time someone asks a rude question then smile and plainly respond that this was your choice(they can only get to you if you let them). By the way we've been together 8years now and had another DC

[PixieCake]

Hi KelBel13,

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

People can be really nasty when it comes to reacting to pregnancy. It's such an emotional issue for many women that it can trigger reactions of upset, jealousy etc - even from your friends.

It may well be that some of these reactions come from envy at you and your partner being so happy together, or they may think it is unfair that you have got all this happiness so quickly.

It's hard to take it on the chin (great that your partner can, but obviously you are more sensitive so will find it harder) but try not to let it spoil your happy time.

I've also had people ask me if my pregnancy was planned (Such a strange question I think). I told a very close friend recently that I was pregnant and one of her first comments was "Ha, so you will have to watch us drink all the wine then!". She knows how much I like a glass of wine so I thought that was a bit mean.

People have also delighted in telling me that it is the end of our exotic holidays, end of my figure, end of our social life.... oh and at least 3 people have asked if we will be moving to a bigger house (er... no. Nothing wrong with the size of our house thanks)

So you are not alone.

Remember that pregnancy can also make us more emotional ourselves, so we may take some things more personally than they were meant.

What I haven't done is worked out how to answer back to these comments, so I will be watching this thread with interest for any good suggestions!

[Greythorne]

Welcome to MN.

You are not over-reacting, but you do very quickly need to realise that - merely by being pregnant and ultimately becoming a mother - your life has changed. And I don't mean because you'll get less sleep and become very familiar with poo. That too, but the real, profound change is that everyone, from your mother to your GP, from your neighbour to the woman in Tesco, everyone will have an opinion on How You Lead Your Life and The Impact It Will Have On Your (Unborn) Child.

so, you can make a choice, early on: take it to heart and be upset every time you get a comment about bottle-feeding / breastfeeding or co-sleeping or cot sleeping or private schools or state schools or home made ^purées or Heinz rusks.....

Whatever you choose, there will be someone behind you with an opinion.

in a way, you've got a heads up. Your choice now whether to take the idiotic interfering comments to heart or to live your life as best you see. Which is what most of us are doing.

Good luck.

BTW, I was 34 (ie no spring chicken) and had been dying for a baby for ages (following two miscarriages) and I STILL got the: "it's a bit quick, isn't it?" and "I take it it was an accident?" remarks.

[ginnny]

Congratulations! at you having your first baby - I wish I could rewind my life to that time, it goes too fast.
Unfortunately you are going to have to grow a thicker skin because this is just the tip of the iceberg. Once you become a Mum everyone in the world will think you need to hear their advice/stories/comments.
My worse one was when ds2 was born, I was a single parent and I was horrified the number of people who thought it was quite reasonable to ask me if the dc both had the same dad .
Just rise above it. You and dp are happy so sod the rest of them.

[SirBoobAlot]

People seem to think that as soon as you become pregnant you gain this status which allows everyone to comment about everything. It is hurtful and it is upsetting, especially if they are friends and family.

BUT people will come round. You just have to rise above it, smile, and mentally remind yourself that you are happy, and you are bringing a baby into the world, which is such a magical thing!

Pregnancy only lasts 40(ish!) short weeks - don't let these nasty comments ruin it for you

[Cosmosis]

Unfortunately people always think they have a right to comment. We had the opposite comments, we've been together 16 years and when we announced it, we had loads and loads of people saying "oh we thought you weren't going to bother with kids" or similar!

I'm afraid you just have to learn to ignore them. I'm currently learning to ignore peoples lovely stories about their 3 day labours etc!

[SirBoobAlot]

Oh yes - everyone will tell you horror stories too Its like people revel in scaring and judging pregnant mothers-to-be!

Don't listen to them, anyhow - come on here, we're much nicer

[Jacksmybaby]

Agree with what others have said: when you are pg and when you have kids, suddenly everyone feels they have a right to comment on very personal things: from the size of your bump to the age gap between your kids, to your parenting style and decisions, everything.

Have you tried telling these people that, no, actually this was something you both wanted and had carefully thought through? Hopefully they will realise their mistake, be very embarrassed and apologise.

Try not to stress out and worry, just enjoy.

[PoxyChick]

Greythorne Don't even get me started on 'the woman in Tesco'...

I ended up in tears at the checkout twice when I was pregnant because of really hurtful insensitive comments

[RooBear]

congratulations Kelbel and welcome, I was lucky that family and friends were supportive, but strangers have said hurtful things, like wow your huge what a big baby etc... (i'm a size 10 ffs) as its my first not sure whether this always happens or not. As long as you and your dp are happy thats great, enjoy it!

[PixieCake]

Does anyone answer back to these comments?
If so, please share!!

[heading4home]

Hi KelBel, Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am now pregnant for the second time and remembering exactly what I disliked most about pregnancy the first time round...people's endless need to comment on everything. It makes me feel really self conscious.

It's as thought they feel the need to say something/anything so they say the first thing that comes into their head.

I don't think they mean anything bad by it, and as Kaz Cooke writes in the Rough Guide to Pregnancy, just keep on repeating to yourself "it's not about me, it's about them".

[nunnie]

Opinions are like bum holes, everyone has them and they all stink.
As long as you are happy, other people opinions/comments don't matter.

Congratulations and welcome to mumsnet.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy x

[PoxyChick]

Pixie To family/friends I smile and say (about baby2) 'no, it wasn't planned as such, but we didn't try to prevent it at all and we are thrilled'

Though I have been known to say something a little more sharp to random strangers who comment.

[Jacksmybaby]

That's a great mantra heading4home!

[PixieCake]

A friend of mine was really upset when she took her baby out without socks on and a stranger came up and told her she was 'a silly girl'. And she's 30! And this was a complete stranger!
I guess we all have that to come!

[anonymousbird]

Do try not to let it get to you, people are so ignorant and rude!!

We got engaged and married very fast after meeting, so everyone assumed I was pregnant, which I wasn't. so what if i was? But I wasn't we just wanted to get hitched, so people were narky about that. When they found out I wasn't pregnant, they all thought we had jumped in too fast, got all the "it won't last" type stuff (from those VERY close to us ). Thirteen years later.. who proved who wrong HA HA HA.

Then, we waited a long time before having children, and so instead got the comments of "blimey, hurry up, you better get on with it" which in turn really pissed me off, because a) it's our decision and b) what if we were trying and couldn't.

People just don't think - rude buggers.

Your hormones will of course be in the mix here too, and your DP doesn't have that to contend with. But YOU know what you and DP want, and good on you.

Good luck, stay calm my friend, don't let the bastards get you down.

[missismac]

DH & I had fell pregnant with first DC 4-6 weeks after we met . We've just celebrated 15 years together (that's probably cursed us now)! When people asked if the baby was 'planned' I just smiled and said "Oh Yes". End of discussion. I think people are just curious, mostly not mean, they just want to know about you - I never took offense at all.

[Harimo]

Ahh.. congralations on the PG!!

I was with DH for 8 years (then my DP).

We got married Sept 07 and had DS in May 08 and then DD in July 09 [phew emoticon]

LOADS of people told me I'd had a shot gun wedding - I didn't... neither DS or DD were planned. Don't bother answering those who judge. They don't know what they are judging

[Jacksmybaby]

Re responses: I guess it depends who these people are.

With people not particularly close to you, best thing might just be to smile and ignore / give a very brief response like "no, actually" (to the question "was it an accident?").

But with close friends and family members, I think it's worth explaining a) that they have jumped to the wrong conclusion and b) that you find their comments hurtful.

[LuluF]

Congratulations on your pregnancy -enjoy it. Try not to let other peope affect it. It's special for you both.

I hate it when people blame it on hormones. I think it's something I would expect a man to say, not a woman. I do not think you are over-reacting.

Something about becoming pregnant seems to mean it is open season - people feel entitled to comment and judge at a time when you are feeling vulnerable and you are feeling like you need to be wrapped in cotton wool. For me, it always seems to pass - and a bit later on you you'll be having to resist the (very big) urge to grab the tummies of people (sometimes complete strangers) who feel that they are allowed to touch your bump.

And yes - Pixiecake - it never stops, does it? I was criticised by my MIL (very subtly, of course) about demand feeding my babies. Then there's sleeping arrangements, nappies, potty training. The list is endless. But by that time, you will have turned into a lioness and people will soon learn not to say anything and you won't care about what strangers think.