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Pregnancy

ummm sex advice please if its ok

38 replies

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 14/09/2009 10:52

Ok need some advice please anyone on how to handle my dh.

We are currently 21 weeks pregnant and dh will not come near me as he is afraid of hurting the baby. He is afraid to go near my boobs incase of leakage etc etc.
In the meantime my sex drive is higher than it has ever been and its causing a few tense discussions.

I have tried explaining to him that i may be pregnant but i am still a woman and he says he just sees me as a mum right now and it puts him of!

Have any of you managed to have a succesful sex life during pregnancy or is this it? I resign myself to no action for the next 4 months?? How have your DH handled it all?? I know my DH is not the first to worry.

I have deliberatly not name changed as im not embarrassed about my situation im sure im not the first pregnant woman with this problem!

by the way communication is not an issue with dh and i we have been together many years just need some suggestions.

thanks!!

OP posts:

Report

Scorps · 14/09/2009 10:57

Your DH cannot hurt the baby, baby is very safe in there, even with girl on top posistions, baby will be fine. Lots of men worry. My DH is weird and finds pregnant women more 'horny' than non-pg women (I am 25 weesk with dc4)

It's unlikely your breasts will be leaking yet anyway, but you could keep a bra on, even if just a see through flimsy thing?

If he really doesn't want sex, you could play with each other - fingers, mouthes, all have their uses

If seeing bump freaks him out, try spooning of from behind, kneeling up.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 14/09/2009 11:02

i keep telling him that scorps baby is very well protected in there!

I told him this morning maybe he could look up a site for men in the same position as him for advice man-man iykwim. Is there any forums i could direct him to??

I talked to him this morning about how frustrated i felt and that i needed some attention, its not like he is going without!

Maybe if i introduce a ban for him it might work

We have always had a pretty healthy good sex life up till now so this problem is very new to me. He feels that most men just have sex with thier partners when they are pregnant because they need to and not because they want to! Wish my dh saw pregnant woman as 'horney'

OP posts:

Scorps · 14/09/2009 11:05

Do you have a MW appt soon, he could come with you and you could ask MW together? Then he will see

Honestly, the baby will even enjoy the hormones you get from sex too, the bonding and the closeness. Orgasm will not hurt the baby/cause early labour/or anything. Sometimes your tummy will stay hard after or you may get engorged down there for a bit, but nothing to worry about.

He sounds like he will listen to you at least, just keep trying or get him drunk

Firsttimer7259 · 14/09/2009 11:07

In solidarity I wont namechange either. Same problem, we managed to have sex this weekend and could barely contain myself from dancing around the bedroom to celebrate the end of the drought.

I dont know how you solve this,I cant find a way of talking about this with my husband without the ice getting very thin. I find it hard not to get upset or angry with him. Neither of whcih helps in my opinion. The problem I found is if start fighting about it then there is an extra reason why your arent having sex...

Scorps advice all sounds good. I went for sayng clearly that I found it hard but then leaving him to it and trying not to let it impact on my self esteem etc.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 14/09/2009 11:08

not sure when next midwife appointment is i will give them a bell today. He knows logically its a mental block i think.

I've told him baby will be fine and orgasms are meant to be good for the baby something to do with endorphines (or am i wrong??)

Love the idea of getting him drunk does not take much now im not drinking! he rarely has drinks in the house scuttles of to hatch a plan

thanks scorps, in the meantime does anyone have any man sites for men feeling like him just so he could read when im at work maybe?? Not porn lmao an advise site!!

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iateallthecreameggsyummy · 14/09/2009 11:11

Yayy firsttimer well done!! at least someones getting it

Id be dancing around to im sure. I think your right having your say then leaving it up to him, perhaps our chat this morning might give him something to think about.

How far gone are you out of interest? This drought has so far lasted 21 weeks! well ok maybe 18 lol. still far to long.

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Mamazon · 14/09/2009 11:12

remind him you'll be a mum forever more so if he ever wants sex again he'll need to either divorce you or getover it.

Scorps · 14/09/2009 11:12

No, thats right about endorphines.

Just don't take it personally - some men feel very virile, proud after making their wives pg and want to continue sex, others have a mental block and cannot forget the third perosn i nthe room iyswim. It's not you, at all.

Sorry i don't know of sites, but maybe a book? The Blokes guide to Pregnancy seems good.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 14/09/2009 11:13

Being afraid of hurting the baby and not being attracted to you during pregnancy are two different issues. You can talk til you're blue in the face about how there's a good couple of inches of tightly closed and plugged cervix, membranes and the sac of fluid to protect the baby from his invading manhood, but if he just isn't attracted to pregnant women and finds the whole thing squeamish then I'm not sure what you can do about it!

Is this your first baby together or has he been like this before?

I would definitely try being less available for oral etc - why should he get all the pleasure and you get nothing? he has hands, doesn't he? and like you said, being a bit sex deprived might get him to overcome his reservations.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 14/09/2009 11:14

good point mama.

I will google a bit when i get home, not posting and dashing got podiatrist appointment but please post any advice/suggestions will check back in couple of hours thankyou to al your help so far!!

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Mamazon · 14/09/2009 11:28

tell him you want sex. when he says "no i might hurt the baby" look him dead in the eye and say "im sorry to tell you this dalring but you really aren't that big"

ErikaMaye · 14/09/2009 11:41

Its an ego thing, isn't it? They all honestly think that they are that well endowed... Bless them

I had this problem with DP. And for what its worth whispers my boob DID leak on him He hardly noticed.

I second the get him drunk suggestion it does work Seriously though, the fact that DP was so concerned about hurting me or baby, I read as rejection, and it caused a couple of hormonal break downs and floods of tears. He was fine until I developed SPD - also the incident where baby kicked him while we were "at it" might have something to do with it .

Anyway (sorry, am rambling, aren't I??) what I said to DP was along the lines of, "Okay, I understand your concerns, but these are the scientific facts telling you its perfectly safe. They wouldn't produce books on sex in pregnancy if it was dangerous! Why don't we just relax and mess around for a bit and see how things go..?"

Once they've done it once, they'll be doing it again. And again. And again.

Firsttimer7259 · 14/09/2009 12:01

I am 20 weeks, and no sex since BFP at 4 weeks. Moving things onto neutral ground at least helped me. I wasnt sniffling about feeling ugly cos he doesnt fancy me. But instead going around feeling lovely and fruitful...Desparation is never a good look.

Not sure we are out of the woods but oping he has gotten over his inhibitions

Firsttimer7259 · 14/09/2009 12:26

I guess the main thing is that your partner probably does not want to hurt you but also doesnt want to have sex which is hurtful. My thinking was to make it clear that I find it hurtful and let him sort it from there. But when we agued about it we both got defensive and it made sorting it out more difficult.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 14/09/2009 14:07

mamazon that really made me laugh!!

You have all made some very good comments its definately good to know im not the only one suffering!

Drinks tonight for him me thinks

OP posts:

notjustapuppymum · 14/09/2009 15:05

Our sex life hasn't changed and I'm now 33 weeks pregnant. My partner says he finds me very sexy when pregnant and loves my pregnancy body - sorry that's not very helpful to any of you but just showing that not every bloke is like this!

Hopeful2 · 14/09/2009 17:14

Well this is where I change things a little - it is not my DP who doesn't want sex, it is me! Although I am just as in to sex as I was before I am also very scared. I am now 32 weeks pg & we have not had sex since I found out I was pg at 8 weeks, yes that's right ladies . I lost my 1st baby & it was after sex that I bled & so for some reason, even though I know for sure sex doesn't hurt baby, I just cannot bring myself to do it this time round. It's a mental block thing - don't want to have come this far to then have sex & then something happen. Crazy huh..I must say though my DP has been very good about it & understands my reasons but we are both very frustrated currently as u can imagen.
I just wanted to share my story as it is not always the men

notjustapuppymum · 14/09/2009 17:33

Poor you hopeful2 - I can totally understand why you feel like that though.
Could you not try it now you're 32 weeks though as baby is pretty safe even if born this early now...

Labella77 · 14/09/2009 18:47

I was the most randy person on the face of the planet up till about 6 weeks ago, my poor hubandido did not know what hit him, he at one point thought i was abusing him!!!

Sadly now i can barely walk let along open my legs, we tried it the other day and as it had been so long it was rather a let down, and bastard painful/uncomfortable.

38 weeks now so unlikely to get any more in for a good year or 2 .

Hopefully your partner will come round to the idea, as sex during pregnancy i have found is marvellous, feels wonderful, all that extra blood flowing through the right places.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 15/09/2009 08:06

aww hopeful i can totally understand why you would feel like that!

Labella i think he will come round to the idea! I am pla nning on working on it bit at a time i know he knows how i feel.

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LoveBeingAMummy · 15/09/2009 08:11

I had the same problem, nothing would change his mind (except to get her out that is), it just wasn't right for him. In the end I did stop 'nagging' because if it were the other way round everyone would be slagging the man off.

ReneRusso · 15/09/2009 14:23

Hi iate. I'm not getting any either but I don't really feel like it tbh. I think things might change when we get a scan next week if we can see everything's ok.

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memorylapse · 15/09/2009 15:44

im only 6 weeks pregnant so with my awful hyperemesis dh can forget it!..however with the last two..he wouldnt touch me once I had a bump..and admitted that he did not find attractive during the later stages..however I cant say I blame him..I looked like a whale!

baby1onway · 22/09/2009 19:07

hi, im 38weeks pregnant & feelin bit rubbish!slightly sick, really tired with a temp of 39.5..even 40.1 this mornin.which is quite high i think?now ive become obsessed with checkin my temp since weve not long bought the thermometer!! ( 1st baby as u can probs tell!!) anyone else feel the same??dont wanna ring midwife, feel bit silly, also like im wastin their time coz im not really sure wot my symptoms are? any advice wud b great

Liskey · 22/09/2009 21:23

Hi Iate - if I said your not the only one don't smile too wryly. DH and I haven't had sex either since the BFP - first worried since my bleeding with the mmc last time and now I've got a bump and he doesn't find it attractive either. Though that doesn't mean there aren't alternatives of course......which we are both happy with.

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