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Please someone explain the logic to me...

(36 Posts)
funtimewincies Tue 14-Jul-09 20:38:57

This isn't a rant, I'm genuinely intrigued at the reactions I'm getting to the news that we don't want to know the sex of the baby this time around.

With ds, friends and family understood that we wanted it to be a surprise, especially having had an ectopic before becoming pg with ds. However, we've just had our 20 week scan (after a further 3 mcs between ds and this pg) and the comments from family are VERY different. The logic appears to go that with our first child it 'didn't matter' as we had no children of either sex, but with the second it somehow now does matter, that we 'must' have a preference.

We don't, especially as we feel blessed to have got this far at all. We genuinely have no preference smile. But, if we did, what good would finding out do? If it was the 'wrong' sex and we were disappointed, we can't exactly send it back hmm.

Satisfying your own curiosity is one thing, but can anyone help me understand the logic of finding out because you have a preference. Does finding out and having time to get used to it make the whole thing less of a disappointment if you have a strong preference?

Not judging, just genuinely curious!

Loopymumsy Tue 14-Jul-09 20:47:28

Message withdrawn

lal123 Tue 14-Jul-09 20:50:23

well we've had weird reactions when we DID find out about our DD2 - so you can't win. We didn't find out because we had a preference - just curiosity (and it was pretty obvious on the scan!).

Of course in some cultures/countries they find out so that they can abort if its a girl

BlueChampagne Wed 15-Jul-09 13:42:22

You think there's logic involved? grin

funtimewincies Wed 15-Jul-09 19:30:45

I'd hoped that there was BlueChampagne grin.

Thanks for the explanation Loopymumsy. I can understand the fear of the unknown (would parenting a girl be different to a boy, etc.) but the actual desire for one over the other is alien to me, so it's useful to see someone else's viewpoint.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 15-Jul-09 19:32:43

We never found out with our first two and wouldn't have done with our third if there hadn't been problems.

I think people have differing reasons for finding out.

PotterVsCullen Wed 15-Jul-09 19:36:09

There was some logic in us finding out what DS2 was/is.

DS1 needed to move out of his cotbed, and we thought if DC2 was a boy then we could get bunk beds and they would share a room. If DC2 was a girl, we would need a single bed for DS1 and a new house...

Deemented Wed 15-Jul-09 19:57:30

I posted a thread along these exact lines earlier today!

I'm fairly early on - 13 wks - and the ammount of people saying 'oh you have to find out' is really doing my head in!!! Well, no, actually i don't have to at all!!

I wouldn't mind if they were actually genuinely interested, but they only want to know so they can either know what colour to knit with (what's wrong with white, really?) or what colour to go for in the Next January sale (apparently best friend would get far more for her money if she knew which colours to get) I'm just so sick of people telling me what i should be doing!

funtimewincies Wed 15-Jul-09 20:10:55

If it's your first Deemented get used to it! Once the baby is born everyone, including people you've never met before, will be telling you what you should be doing grin.

Deemented Wed 15-Jul-09 20:16:59

No - that's just it - it's my fourth!!!!

funtimewincies Wed 15-Jul-09 20:21:40

Lol grin.

alana39 Wed 15-Jul-09 20:29:24

I'm having the same from practically everyone except my family. I have 2 boys, and I still genuinely don't care what this one is but still people insist that not only must I want to find out, but that I must want a girl as well. This seems to be based on the logic that teenage boys are a nightmare. Well, I have no real idea about that but I have been a teenage girl and I can't believe boys are any more evil grin

On a more general point, why do people feel the need to give their opinions so freely on all matters connected with pregnancies / parenting etc. I think this is just another one of those things that lots of people feel moved to comment on.

Sawyer64 Wed 15-Jul-09 20:39:29

I've had 3 DC's (1 DS and 2 DD's) Never wanted to find out with any of them.

I felt/feel after all the trauma of childbirth most parents just feel elated and amazed that they have brought a healthy DC into the world,the sex at that point doesn't

funtimewincies Wed 15-Jul-09 20:41:09

I've noticed a lot of pink buggies today for some reason. I wonder if people just like to colour-code where possible and it makes forward planning easier grin.

brightonbleach Thu 16-Jul-09 10:58:41

we are on our first and kind of wanted to know, more out of impatience/excitement than anything else! we have no preference and have picked names for both sexes, and are not bothered about colour schemes (we have little unisex outfits in yellow,green,white,red,cream,rainbow etc already)

BUT having decided (& having swung both ways over the months) that we wanted to know, at the 20week & 22week scans (am being heavily monitored due to diabetes & hypothyroidism) the baby decided it was going to lay in breech position with its bum tucked right under, so we didn't get the choice after all!

We have another scan in 3 weeks time so if he or she has moved around maybe we'll find out - by that time we'll probably have decided to leave it as a nice surprise. We've been lucky with our families really, no-one seems to be pushing for one way or another, they're just glad we're having a baby at all I think, as we were given less than 20% chance of ever concieving at testing just 4 months before we got pregnant wink - although everyone, and i mean EVERYONE we know, even people we don't know that well, are convinced we're having a boy!! why?!?! I don't know. I say to them, it probably means we're having the girliest girl possible...

I don't care, just let it be healthy and happy, please God...

it is amazing how even strangers in the street pitch in, yuk! (the checkout girl at asda asked me last week "What are you having?" I thought, "is it really any of your beeswax??" hmm )


crokky Thu 16-Jul-09 11:16:55

With both mine, I found out at the NHS 20 week scan.

I wanted to find out both times because that is the sort of mindset I have - I NEED to know as many details about everything as possible grin.

With my first, I had absolutely no preference, but I wanted to know. That was DS. Anyway when I was pregnant with my 2nd, I wanted to know as well because I felt like my first child was a boy, all my siblings were boys and DH sibling is a boy and I am a tomboy - I was concerned that I would not know what to do with a girl - I did not mind if it was a boy or a girl, but I felt like I had to adjust my mindset if it was going to be a girl. Anyway it was DD shock and I was really surprised, but still I was happy for the baby to be either, I just needed to know.

Some people, however, are a bit silly about having "one of each". Plenty of people said they hoped DD was going to be a girl (including grandparents - I WANT A GRANDDAUGHTER!!). There can be some sort of crazy perception that you have slipped up a bit if you have 2 girls or 2 boys!! I just wanted 2 children, did not mind if it was 2 girls, 2 boys or 1 girl 1 boy. (But I did want to know!). Plenty of people are blissfully happy with little armies of girls only or boys only! My cousin has 3 little girls and they are so lovely and all adore eachother but some people would feel sorry for her with no sons hmm

wasabipeanut Thu 16-Jul-09 13:15:27

Hello Funtime <waves>

Glad you had a good scan smile I am with you 100% on this one. We've started to tell people now and EVERYONE has said "Ooooh will you be finding out?" and then looked surprised when I have said no. I've also had the "wouldn't it be lovely to have one of each?" comment to which I have so far replied that yes it would but it would also be equally lovely to have 2 boys who are close enough in age to play, wrestle, fight and generally enjoy eachothers company.

My road to this pregnancy wasn't as rocky as yours but, as you know, not simple either. I will be genuinely thrilled with whatever flavour I am given!

funtimewincies Thu 16-Jul-09 16:25:25

You've got me thinking there crokky as I'm wondering if my MIL deep down wants a girl (she's really disappointed that we're not finding out) as she had 2 boys and then we had ds.

My FIL would probably quite like another boy, because my husband's surname dates back to the norman conquest (yup, they nicked/were given some land for supressing the naughty locals wink from what we can gather) and is an endangered species. He's worried that it'll die out if not enough boys are born in the next generation, bless him grin.

Hi wasabi, I'm really pleased that this pg is progressing well. When people ask what I'm having (although I'm not bumpy enough, even at 21 weeks for strangers to risk asking) I tend to answer 'we're hoping it's a baby'. Mind you, ds is convinced that it's a cat shock.

shoesies Thu 16-Jul-09 17:05:51

I just found out yesterday at 22 week scan that we're having a boy. I was very keen to know, partly because I hate surprises and partly as I was really hoping it would be a girl and did want to give myself time to get used to the idea if it was a boy.

I realise now that I had a much stronger preference than I first thought and have spent the whole day feeling totally irritable and a bit sad. I wish, with hindsight, that I'd waited and I know at the birth I would have been overjoyed at my beautiful son. Now I just feel a bit cheated?! I know its totally ridiculous and I will love this baby no matter what but I just can't get my head around it yet. So there seems to be no logic to it! I don't feel that having found out in advance has made it any easier, I think if you have a really strong preference you just have to accept you may well be disappointed!

But on the plus side I have the most hilarious scan picture of the little man reaching down to have a tug on his willy which we wouldn't have got with a girl grin

binzle Thu 16-Jul-09 17:29:01

To anybody who asks what you are having just reply .......
"a baby", should shut them up.

madremia09 Thu 16-Jul-09 18:47:25

they dont even ask if you want to know or not in spain, they just tell you! ive heard that if you request not to know you get hmm sort of attitude from the mw whoever as if youre weird! from what ive heard anyway,i was quite happy to know with dd1 and will know soon about dc2!! i think people like to be in control ie buy "correct" clothes etc

CarGirl Thu 16-Jul-09 18:55:04

I found out with my first but didn't want to with my next 3, although I wanted girls I knew once I'd been through labour I wouldn't care! Also with 3 & 4 it was so highly likely I'd be induced and that it would be another whopper I felt it would be nice to have some sort of surprise about it all!

It is odd knowing what your due date will actually be so far in advance IMO

GentlyDoesIt Thu 16-Jul-09 19:08:14

I think it's the usual thing, people wanting to project/relive all of their own experiences of pregnancy, birth and early family life onto the poor sod who is actually in the middle of DOING it.

So, people who always wanted a child of different gender to their other one(s) can ask you if you're dissappointed too, to help them come to terms with their own feelings of disappointment. If you are having "one of each" then people can coo on about how perfect it is because it was lovely for them (or how jealous they are).

Then there's nosiness, too!

Some people think it's lovely that everyone is so interested, and often that's true, but sadly pregnancy also brings out the rubbernecker in a lot of people too.

I met a heavily pregnant woman at a wedding recently and stupidly asked her if she knew the sex (wedding small talk). She retorted that yes, she did, but she and her DH weren't telling anyone. Despite the fact that she was quite snippy - understandab;y so, she had probably already been asked 20 times that day - I was mightily impressed and said "Good for you, I can really respect that!" She softened then and we had a nice chat about how stressful being the centre of attention can be.

GentlyDoesIt Thu 16-Jul-09 19:10:43

Just wanted to make it clear there that I'm certainly not assuming that everyone who has same-gender kids is automatically upset about the fact - it's one of my biggest bugbears!

massivebump Thu 16-Jul-09 19:30:22

It's a difficult one isnt' it!

We took ages to conceive first baby, almost 2 years so were totally into the pregnancy and wanting to know every last detail, inc the sex. Unfortunately they couldn't tell us at the scan as he was cross legged! My waters went at just over 36 weeks and the excitement to know the sex was what got me through a very difficult induced labour with lots of unwanted intervention. I just wanted to know he was healthy and was so relieved when he was born and just fell in love with him instantly.

2nd time around I really didn't want to know as I'd enjoyed the surprise at the end and was adamant we wouldn't find out. Dh really wanted to know though. It wasn't until in the room and starting the scan that I decided to try to find out as our son had said he really wanted a sister. I guess I wanted to be able to prepare him more if I could, if it was going to be a boy. Well, again they couldn't find the sex, then at the last min she opened her legs and we got a really clear pic, yet the sonographer said she still couldn't be 100% sure. That was worse than definitely knowing one way or the other I think. Still, she was a girl but we didn't know for sure.

With this baby I was determined not to find out the sex. We've had no preferance with either of our babies but having one of each everyone assumed we'd have a preference! To be honest, I had been harbouring a preference towards a girl as a) she's been much easier and b) our little boy's been really difficult this past year. Anyway, I had to have a 36wk scan to determine the position of the baby and at the last min we decided to find out, I don't know why or what made me change my mind but I guess we both saw very clear evidence on the screen that he's definitely a boy! I have to say I was disappointed for all of 5 mins, then v, v excited to know as it meant we could buy some clothes and sort out all our girls clothes at home to sell at the nct nearly new sale. It also helped us focus on a name which we now have and are very happy with.

It's a very personal choice and I don't know why people are so shocked after asking 'are you finding out the sex' and you say yes or no and it doesn't fit in with what they chose or would choose.

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