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Why keep it a secret?

(40 Posts)
HippoGirl Fri 11-Feb-05 15:39:15

I was just curious as to why anyone would keep being pregnant a secret? Obviously you might not want to tell the whole world, and if you're unhappy about the pregnancy... but if it's a wanted pregnancy then why not tell everyone? I have a friend who has recently suffered some miscarriages, which is awful for her .. but now she's saying that she won't tell anyone about her next pregnancy before the scan, although she'd tell us all if she had a miscarriage so I don't see the point! Especially if we can support her!

Did you keep your wee bump a secret?

bonniej Fri 11-Feb-05 15:43:21

nope I tell everyone as soon as I know. My sis on the other hand doesn't tell a soul until she's over 3 months. I find it hard not to tell as friends and family would think it a bit odd that I'm refusing alcohol They'd probably guess anyway.

Chandra Fri 11-Feb-05 15:45:50

Probably because if the things go wrong, everytime people bumps on you you get the comment "I'm sorry about your loss" that makes you feel worse in many occassions.

In our case, we hide it for 3 months because we wanted a bit of peace from my MIL as we thought she would start interfeering, and we were right! less than couple of months after telling her we were not longer speaking at each other

morningpaper Fri 11-Feb-05 15:49:11

I'm 6 weeks and really don't want anyone to know yet. I've had lots of friends suffer miscarriages and I can't think of anything worse than having to explain to everyone that I've lost a baby.

NameChangingMancMidlander Fri 11-Feb-05 15:49:44

i didn't , but i can see why people do.

NotQuiteCockney Fri 11-Feb-05 15:52:12

Saying to someone, out of the blue, "I've had a miscarriage" is hard. Answering "How's the pregnancy?" with "It's not, any more" is very hard. I've done it.

I told immediate family and very close friends right away, but everyone else had to wait until the nuchal fold scan.

Enid Fri 11-Feb-05 15:53:17

My advice would be to tell anyone that you also wouldn't mind telling that you had miscarried.

I told everyone when I was pg a couple of years ago - including the mums at toddler group who I hardly knew. Of course, it was impossible to tell all of them at once that I had m/c, so I had to keep telling people week after week and some of them were so embarrassed they literally couldn't say anything. It was awful. When I got pg again I only told my close friends and family - too heartrending otherwise.

ImuststopdrinkingBlossomhill Fri 11-Feb-05 15:53:31

I personally feel it's tempting fate to talk about it before 12 weeks. I don't know why but that's how I feel although 12 weeks may be beacuse it's when you have your scan done.

prunegirl Fri 11-Feb-05 15:54:12

Message withdrawn

Hulababy Fri 11-Feb-05 15:55:54

I didn't tell anyone I was pg the first time. And then DH and I had to go through the mc on our own, woth no one konwing. And it was really hard having to tell people afterwards (which we did as we needed the support) what had happened.

The next time I got pg (which was what gave me DD) we told everyone early on - well, immediate family and closest friends. I wanted to have the chance to celebrate our pregnancy with us, and for them to be able tos upport us through it - as I know I was going to find the first few weeks hard, hoping I didn't mc again. I didn't, hence DD. And it was lovely.

This time round we have even dropped hints to immediate family and friends that we are TTC. Tpok us so long last time, and we were getting those "oh, when are you going to start a family" type comments and having to hind our stress and disappointments away. This time, important people to us do know to an extent.

I have given up witht he whole secrency thing and pg. It didn't help us when things did go wrong, and it wouldn't have been any easier or harder either way for us.

Lonelymum Fri 11-Feb-05 16:02:50

I kept my fourth pg secret because I was
firstly scared/superstitious that if I mentioned it, I would lose the baby (even though I have had no miscarriages).

secondly, I did bleed and was admitted to hospital thinking I was having a miscarriage, but it turned out to be a blighted ovum with my healthy baby. Nonetheless, that made me nervous all over again that I would lose the baby.

thirdly, just when I got to the second trimester and supposed safety, I discovered I had a high chance of having a DS baby and I couldn't bear the thought of people congratulationg me on my pg before I knew whether my baby was DS or not. I never had an amnio so there was always a small chance my baby would have DS right up to birth (although a scan suggested he did not) so I was cagey all the way through about admitting my pg. In fact I never did unless someone asked me directly and it is surprising how close to term I got before people I saw every day realised I was pg (he was a Feb baby so for the last 3-4 months I wore a large cover all coat!

I think most people don't let on they are pg for superstitious reasons. It is daft a bit because I always think if I had had a miscarriage, I would want people to know and be kind and understanding towards me, but I think pg women are not always at their most rational!

fruitful Fri 11-Feb-05 16:08:04

We didn't tell with dd, because we wanted to tell dh's parents face-to-face and they were living abroad, we saw them when I was 10 weeks. Didn't want to tell other people before we'd told the grandparents! But it was very difficult when we thought I was losing the baby, and none of my friends knew.

This time, we kept it quiet for a while because it was nice to quietly enjoy the knowledge without being bombarded with questions about it - whether I'd have another cs, whether we wanted a boy, blah-de-blah. It was also nice to be a person for a little bit longer before being relegated to "fetus-carrier-with-no-brain" status...

piffle Fri 11-Feb-05 16:39:59

I told everyone with first two but last time I had an ectopic, and thankfully I had not told anyone as only found out the day earlier and was still in shock.
It was easier to deal with the aftermath of the surgery and everything and peoples reactions, as I had not had the congratulations how wonderful, you must be so pleased after 20 mths of trying...
Next time I will keep quiet until scans confirm everything ok and also as we have a genetic issue to test for in pregnancy I am keeping it schtum too
But would always tell my mum, parents in law and Mumsnet!

HappyMumof2 Fri 11-Feb-05 17:38:08

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney Fri 11-Feb-05 18:02:56

An early scan isn't really a guarantee of an ok result ... we had a 7-week scan on the pregnancy between DS1 and DS2, but I miscarried at 11.5 weeks. It's more unusual than having a 6-week miscarriage, but not that unusual, I think.

Clayhead Fri 11-Feb-05 18:03:02

I didn't tell anyone except my mum until after the 15 week scan both times. I never considered it keeping a secret, it was just my prerogative when I told people!

iota Fri 11-Feb-05 18:08:10

I thought it was common for people not to tell others that they were pregnant in the first 3 months because of the high incidence of miscarriage in this period.

From personal experience it's very hard telling people that you are no longer pregnant, so I didn't even tell my mother until after my scan when I had ds2

Tessiebear Fri 11-Feb-05 18:44:52

No - always tell the world straight away!
I have a good friend who decided not to tell anyone until 12 weeks - she lost the baby at 11 weeks and because noone knew she found some friends and family quite unsympathetic because they had not known anyway so they didnt suffer the loss with her.
Even if things went wrong for me i would always rather friends and family knew so that they were there for support.

Tessiebear Fri 11-Feb-05 18:45:57

I appreciate that this is a very personal thing though and i am naturally a very "open" person - not everyone is like this

CharBell Fri 11-Feb-05 18:46:33

I am 20 weeks and still have only told close friends, close family and my boss. Most people at work don't know, they just think I am getting fat. Don't know why I don't tell them. Can't face sending an email round. I guess I just think it is none of their business. They will work it out eventually!

suedonim Fri 11-Feb-05 19:20:51

I'm with the 12 wk gang. I love having a little secret that just dh and I know, sort of hugging it to myself and pondering on it until I'm used to the idea. I told no one except dh about a m/c at 7wks. It's not the sort of thing I want to share, to me it's a private thing I want to deal with on my own terms. I also have suspicions that I may have had a number of other very early m/c's - I really wouldn't have wanted to get on a continual merry go round of yes-I-am-no-I'm-not-anymore. But everyone deals with life differently - each to their own, I think.

morningpaper Fri 11-Feb-05 19:27:25

I've never had a miscarriage but I think I would feel like you Suedonim.

Surfermum Fri 11-Feb-05 19:49:46

I liked keeping to ourselves for a little while, it was our exciting little secret. I had 2 mcs and I think we found it easier to tell people about the miscarriages, than we would have done had we announced it. I suppose we told people on a need to know basis.

The third one (dd) was almost impossible to keep from anyone because I was throwing up left, right and centre. Off alcohol, off food and not surfing - there was something up with Surfermum.

The only person we did keep it from until I had had my amnio was dsd who was 7. Her mother had charmingly told me that if I managed to get pregnant she would curse me and hope that my baby was born deformed. I didn't think for one minute that she could curse me of course, and the amnio was because my NT scan and measurements, but after 2 mcs I wanted to be as certain as you can be that I wasn't going to lose the baby before telling her.

Beatie Fri 11-Feb-05 20:13:27

For a little while it is nice to have this special secret that only you and your partner have .

IME it is very difficult to keep a pregnancy secret from very close friends and family if you see them on a regular basis.

I had two miscarriages last year so I have been very low key about my current pregnancy. Partly, I don't want people to rain on my parade. I am scared people won't be as excited for me as they might assume I am likely to miscarry again.

I thought I would tell everyone after I had a scan at 8 weeks and saw a heartbeat but I found that I still did not want to tell people. Not for any particular reason - I just didn't unless I had to.

When I had my 1st miscarriage at 8 weeks, few people knew I was pregnant - not even my mum. I only shared the news of my miscarriage with those who had known I was pregnant. I told other people about the miscarriage (including my mum) only when I was pregnant again.

sweetkitty Fri 11-Feb-05 22:49:22

I phoned everyone on Christmas Day and told them then as it was Christmas and I was bout 8 weeks at that time.

I had a bad bleed at 9 weeks and another little one at 10 (luckily DD was fine). I think next time I will just tell people after about 6 weeks don't know why 6 weeks exactly. Used to smile when DP would e-mail me at work and ask how the little apple seed was doing.

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