Smoking and depression, help!

[bumblebee39]

I am currently pregnant and am trying to quit smoking. I have all the NRT and do ok for a day or two then depression hits me really badly and I start again. It's the only thing that lifts my depression but I know I need to stop. I am on ADs can't up them or change them and can't go on anything else due to pregnancy.

I really want to stop. I feel it's affecting me bonding or even telling people I'm pregnant (just into the second trimester)
I was so proud of myself when I got a good carbon monoxide reading at the stop smoking clinic but then I just end up depressed and lapsing again.
Quit again but worried the depression will come back.

What can I do?

Ps. I know smoking in pregnancy is shitty and I don't need telling, I honestly feel so terrible.

[Wolfiefan]

I’ve never heard of smoking affecting depression at all. What does your GP say?

[bumblebee39]

I haven't spoken to the GP although I will speak to the MH midwife when I see them. It's not for a while yet though and really want to stay stopped this time.

[bumblebee39]

I don't have a relationship with my GP just see whoevers available and fairly new to the practice

[Annandale]

I've certainly heard of nicotine having an antidepressant effect. I would make an appointment with your go as soon as you can, are you on any nicotine replacement?

[Ollivander84]

Can you swap to a vape? I quit a 30 a day habit with one
Trick was to vape virtually constantly for 24hrs and then I thought well I can't start smoking again!

[Wolfiefan]

And don’t beat yourself up for it. You are trying and can only do the very best you can. You need support to stop. Not to be made to feel more terrible.

[OldBrownShoe]

I’m in the same position. I really wish I could be one of those ‘as soon as I found out I stopped’ women but I’m really struggling.

I came off 40mg citalopram down to 10mg at the insistence of my gp and it’s not helped at all. And the fact I can’t quit is depressing me more. I’ve tried vaping/gum/cold turkey but after 2 days I’m so low I reach for the cigs again. I’m disgusting but I don’t know how to cope. It’s a viscous circle.

I have an appointment with the cessation midwife for when I’m 28 weeks(!) as that’s the earliest.

[bumblebee39]

I'm with the stop smoking service and have NRT from them.

I have quit before (for a few years at a time) but am really struggling this time

I just feel so stressed, overwhelmed, depressed and frustrated when I don't smoke, even using the NRT and other things which have helped before.

I want to take DC2 to baby groups but am embarrassed to go if I smell of smoke and am showing as being pregnant again
I don't want to go to antenatal classes or anything for the same reason.
I felt mortified in the maternity section of a shop earlier and cancel arrangements with friends and family if I know I've started smoking again (often on the day)

I feel like it's not fair to be smoky and around other mums or babies and honestly am isolating myself to just the mums I know who smoke (but have older DC, like my older child not my younger DC and aren't pregnant)

It sounds so stupid but I'm literally mortified to still be smoking, I know how bad it is in pregnancy (and anyway) and it is kind of my secret shame that I keep lapsing.

I'm sure people can smell it on me and so just stand as far away as I can and try to hope they can't tell I'm pregnant. Obviously this is not a permanent solution.

It's making my anxiety so bad. I'm worried about my health, the babies health, my older kids and cot death etc. Etc. Etc.

So when I smoke I'm paralysed with fear shame and social anxiety and when I don't this overwhelming gloom comes over me and I just want to cry and throw my toys out of the pram and go on strike until I can have another cigarette.

I feel so pathetic admitting that I am letting something (smoking) have that much power over my moods and my life.

I know loads of mums struggle with stopping smoking I just feel like I should be able to do it. If I've done it before for my other kids why can't I do it for this one?

[bumblebee39]

I told myself my 12 week scan would have that affect @OldBrownShoe and it did for about 24 hours but then I ended up smoking a 20 pack in the next 24 hours after that (had cut fiend to 10 maximum) and the cycle continued.

It's so f-Ing hard and everyone I know either works in health or are married to someone who does so that doesn't help. It feels like with a family full of nurses, midwives and doctors I should know better. & be able to do better. Everyone else teaches or is in social work so can't speak to them (they are kind of paid to judge parents...)

I gave up energy drinks, cut my painkillers and anxiety meds right down, cut my caffeine, cut down on sweeteners and am not giving in to any of my eating disorder behaviours.

But this is just beating me and makes me feel like all the rest is just lipservice.

[lstef]

Second vote for switching to a vape- same action but only nicotine, not thousands of chemicals. My partner vapes the stronger liquid - 18mg/ml and they have stronger too- he tells me most vape liquid now barely has any nicotine in it - maybe worth trying the stronger stuff. it is safer than tobacco, and might help you to have the physical action of vaping rather than having a patch or gum.

My ex- colleague smoked 20 a day in her pg, I think she tried to cut down, but ended up with 2 healthy babies. Part of quitting I expect is also working on self-acceptance and showing yourself compassion if you start again (easier said than done, I know).

Good luck OP.

[Wolfiefan]

Bloody hell! You have a lot to deal with. So you have cut down prescribed medication and are possibly having side effects for tha? Despite an eating disorder, you are trying to eat well. And you’ve stopped energy drinks too.
That’s brilliant. It really is.
You need help and support. You can beat this but not alone. You’ve already done so much.

[bumblebee39]

@Wolfiefan

It kind of feels like the rest is pointless if I can't do this and stop smoking for good...

I have recently left an abusive relationship and am raising 2 kids and studying and everyone thinks I'm doing so f-Ing well, when I'm just feeling eaten up by this.

What's worse is I started smoking because I left him now it's like everytime I light up he's winning just a little bit.

I've done everything I can to protect me and my kids from him, and from my MH affecting me, and this is just something I am really struggling to get over. It just seems so ridiculous to let something so "small" become so big when I'm dealing with all the mountains but can't get over this damn mole hill...

[Wolfiefan]

Wow. You are so incredibly strong. None of this is pointless. Not at all.
Maybe you should write a list of all the positives to remind you how well you are doing.
Do you have any RL support? You need other ways to lift your mood too.
You are doing fucking well. And you’ll beat the fags too!!

[bumblebee39]

Thanks @Wolfiefan

I do have some support in RL but I'm finding I'm pushing people away who make me feel/are judging me for smoking. It's becoming a barrier to me seeing people. A lot of them don't know I ever started again...

[bumblebee39]

I think it must just be that smoking helps me block out my feelings because today I still haven't smoked and literally had the longest cry I've had in ages. Think it's been building up and suppressing it with smoking stops me feeling my feelings properly as when one bubbles to the surface I just have a cigarette.

Not planning to start again though. I can't cope with the fear of hurting the baby and feeling embarrassed all the time. I am going to start wearing my maternity clothes and stop hiding and try and deal with my feelings another way.

It's difficult though I feel overwhelmed and unmotivated and for some reason having a cigarette after I do things at least motivates me to do them.

[Wolfiefan]

What could you substitute it for?
I will wash up and then ...
I feel anxious...
You need coping strategies. Worth speaking to a GP? There may be medication you can take in pregnancy or they may be able to help you with mindfulness etc.

[bumblebee39]

@Wolfiefan I'm already on an antidepressant which never seems to work well but helps me sleep at least. Can't take any others (and I have tried)
Seeing the MH Midwife in a couple of weeks in the mean time I have started keeping a diary and chewing gum and taking 5 minute "hot drink and song on YouTube" breaks...

I think I've kind of been using it as a barrier to moving forwards. So when I should be doing things either I put it off (once I've had a cigarette) or don't go (I don't want to stink of cigarettes).

I have read up on it and apparently depression after smoking cessation is a common thing and usually passes. So it's just getting over the hump and getting through it, and getting better at saying "no, this is too much for me I'm not doing xy or z today" instead of using smoking as a reason to cancel.

I am not really craving smoking at all, but am feeling depressed and anxious more than I have been. Hopefully this will be fairly temporary and then I can give up this horrible habit for good and move on with my life.

I think I need to learn to be more honest about how I'm feeling instead of hiding behind a cigarette (or anything else)

[Babdoc]

OP, first can I send you a big hug. You are obviously a good caring mum, or you wouldn’t be fretting so much about the smoking - you’d just be lighting up the 40th fag of the day while knocking back a few shots of vodka and not giving a damn!
Please stop beating yourself up about this, or assuming that everyone will judge you. They haven’t walked in your shoes, or coped with everything you’ve got on your plate, so they're not entitled to criticise anyway.
Cigarettes are often used as a coping mechanism, and depressed patients are more likely to be smokers and find it harder to stop, for that very reason.
Nicotine patches can help, but vaping might be more useful for you, because it mimics holding the cigarette and has more of the feel of smoking. Either will help with the nicotine cravings.
You can only do your best, and not punish yourself if you have a bad day where you resort to a smoke because you’re struggling with your mental health.
Being kind to yourself may help to reduce your stress and anxiety too.
Millions of women in the past managed to produce reasonably healthy babies despite smoking - the babies were smaller than average, and more at risk of ear and chest infections in smoking households, but most of them survived. Of course it would be great if you manage to kick the cigs, for your own health too, but it’s not the end of the world if you lapse occasionally during your pregnancy.
Take whatever support is available for you, and my prayers and best wishes for a safe delivery and healthy baby. And one more hug, for luck!

[Wolfiefan]

I get what you mean about the medication. I’ve just found one that really works and GP called today and said he wants to change it. Instant anxiety.
There are lots of medications and also non drug options. Worth speaking to GP

[bumblebee39]

Thanks @Babdoc
I think being massively hard on myself is one of the route causes of my depression in the first place so I do need to relax a bit. I feel bad because I came off ADs and stopped smoking in my previous pregnancies whereas this time I haven't been able to do either but I am probably dealing with more stress etc. Than in the past.

I have stopped smoking again now (over 48hours again!) and the first 24 are the hardest so going to hope that I am onto a winner this time. Equally I think I need to cut myself some slack because I am eating properly despite my low mood, ED and HG and am doing my best with caffeine and smoking (like cutting out energy drinks) so I have come along way.

I think smoking is just so visible. Unlike with my eating disorder, where no one can see my skipping food, only eating a few "safe" foods, living off sugar free energy drinks and diet pills, taking laxatives. I literally am not keeping any of that stuff even in the house anymore (but because most people don't know about my struggles with eating they don't think "ooh well done you ate some pizza" 😂) whereas I do get judged for smoking... Like openly judged.

I'm not willing to jeopardise the progress I've made with my eating or MH but equally want to stay stopped this time. I'm hoping I can spin all those plates, but I know that taking laxatives and diet pills etc. Is actually just as harmful (if not more so) than me smoking.

I am a very private person IRL
I managed to keep a lot of this secret even from my ex when we were together. He literally read my diary but didn't know my "calcium supplements" were really diet pills and laxitives. I threw them all out the day I found out I was pregnant. I wish I could have been as strong with the fags.

[bumblebee39]

@Wolfiefan
I've had a lot of bad reactions in the past so am too scared to try another one
Although the one I'm on causes weight gain which lead me down a bad road all of its own when I "lost control" of my weight and eating.

I think I hate losing control, like crying today, which seems like failing. But actually it's strong to cry instead of smoke, I just get things all backwards sometimes.

[Prettyvacant2003]

I really feel for you op. You have an awful lot on your plate right now. 48 hours smoke free is brilliant though! You're doing so well.

[Wolfiefan]

It’s not weak to cry. It’s not weak to admit you’re struggling. It’s just if the medication isn’t working there may be a better option. And you can always try mindfulness or CBT.

[PonderLand]

I quit during pregnancy with a vape, I wasn't a martyr and started on the highest nicotine one and gradually reduced it throughout the pregnancy. I started smoking again when my son was 1 but I'm glad that I at least stopped for the pregnancy. Keep trying, it's good that your trying to stop, it would be worse if you smoked without a second thought it shows that your serious and you will do it. I found the first week really difficult but once I was through it I found it easy. After my son was born is another matter and I was desperate for a cigarette every single day!

[bumblebee39]

Just did some food shopping, dodged the fag counter and bought an ice cream instead. Must have looked mental this time of year but kept me busy until I got home!

I have thought about vaping but wasn't sure if it was ok when pregnant? Idk better than smoking anyway just not sure officially.

I have had CBT and have the workbooks but honestly find it just makes me overthink even more. I am on the waiting list for counselling. I have got it privately (but fairly cheaply) before but can't afford it now so need to wait on the NHS unless things take an upturn.

I am feeling much more positive about this time giving up I think it helped to share how I felt (and all you lovely people's support and advice)
Sometimes seeing it in black and white makes it so much clearer though.

It's weird I could smell it on my coat and scarf so I must have reeked before just couldn't tell because I was still smoking. I can't wait to get them in the wash! & I thought that laundry detergent, spray and perfume was working..., oops!

I'm starting to see my mood lift already, don't know why really (could be the sugar from that ice cream) because normally I'm still in a depressive mood. Maybe that cry was really important

I was always told "crying doesn't solve anything" when I was young whereas I tell my kids to "let it all out"

Should heed my own advice sometimes but feel like not crying is ingrained in me now (leading to lots of other unhealthier coping strategies...)

So relieved I made it out the shop without stopping starting to feel proud of myself for giving up instead of kicking myself for not doing better before

Maybe this times the charm