Telling our parents

[ddegville]

Hi All,

Found out last week whilst we were on holiday that i'm pregnant!

The other half wants to wait until 12 weeks to tell anybody, including our parents. I want to tell our parents now. I talk to my mom about everything, and the only reason we hadn't told her we were trying was because it happened so quickly, it was only our 1st cycle trying. The other half doesn't want to budge on telling the parents but i don't want to wait, any advice appreciated.

Thanks,
Dannie

[FanSpamTastic]

As parents you need to have a united front on parenting issues.

You should respect your partners views and they should respect yours. I can understand both points of view. But you should not charge ahead with just your own.

If you tell one set of parents then you should tell both. If something does not go right then do you want your in-laws knowing the ins and outs of your medical situation? Would you turn to your mum for support? These are all things to discuss with your partner and then come to a joint decision about what to do next.

[FanSpamTastic]

By the way - congratulations!

[Kittysparks1]

I told my mum straight away. She is my mum I can't see any reason not to tell her. Even if it wasn't viable I would need her support if the worst happened.
Also a lady at work guessed straight away after I spontaneously vomited in a sink in front of her and it didn't feel right having a colleague know and not my mum.
But people have different relationships with their parents. It all depends.
I was very very sick with hg so even if I didn't tell her it would have been a matter of time before she knew. She was invaluable support to get through the first 20 weeks. I needed her.

[Kittysparks1]

Ps, congrats!!!

[oldbirdy]

The wait till 12 weeks thing is usually because miscarriage risk decreases at that point. This is a good idea for work colleagues or acquaintances who you might not want to know your business if the worst happens and you lose the baby. However, if you did lose the baby, wouldn't you turn to your parents, and maybe some close friends, for some support? In which case, how sad if the first they hear of their grandchild is that it didn't make it? For that reason, I don't understand why you wouldn't say something to those to whom you would turn for support if things go wrong, and who can be happy with you if things go right.

[GinIsIn]

We thought it would only be fair to tell both sets of parents if we were telling my mum, but that we'd leave it there and not tell anyone else including siblings until 12 weeks. We told parents at 5 weeks. And MIL, despite being told not to say anything, told everyone she'd ever bloody met. So PILs' postman knew we were having a baby before my brother did. In retrospect your DH is right!!

[TonicAndTonic]

Agree with PP that you need to be united about it -talk to each other about why you each feel the way you do. My DP felt very strongly about not telling his family too early as he had experience of a sibling announcing a pregnancy early then losing the baby, and the family's response (not sure exactly what the response was) made him want to wait. I respect that so we haven't told anyone on either side of the family in the interests of fairness. Both of us had reservations that if I did have a MC, parents would be supportive but would then be constantly asking if I was pg again yet which would be annoying.

[Paperdove87]

The first time I got pregnant we did tell our parents fairly quickly. We had bad news at our scan and had to go through telling them the bad news. I found it so much harder because my parents and in-laws were so upset and I ended up feeling like I couldn't deal with my own grief because I was having to support them all through theirs. Through no fault of their own, they just found it really hard to deal with. So we really regretted telling them and if (hopefully when!) I get pregnant again we will be keeping it quiet until the scan. I realise that this would not be the same for everybody but do agree with a PP who said you must make a joint decision as parents and not doing things on your own.

[Paperdove87]

Ps congrats! Sorry for the downer story, wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months!

[AppalachianWalzing]

DH didn't really want to tell many people, but was of the view that since I was the one who was pregnant I got more of a say. We told both parents, which was good as I then miscarried and I absolutely wanted and needed their support.

We also ended up telling quite a few close friends at that point, after the miscarriage, and in retrospect, I would totally do it differently next time. I really hate the 'don't tell people till 12 weeks' norm- obviously, I wouldn't tell work colleagues, or people who I wouldn't want to know I had a miscarriage. But I ended up having surgery, and bleeding for weeks: it was a huge physical ordeal and it's as though society thinks I'm meant to keep quiet about it because it was pregnancy related. We hid it from some people only to then tell them when I miscarried, so what exactly was the point?

I also hate the idea your husband/partner has equal say. I absolutely agree that DH and I will be equal parents, but 'we' were not pregnant, I was. I felt very physically vulnerable, which I didn't expect, esp when things went wrong, and thankfully he recognised that and let me take the lead on the decisions that related to the pregnancy. Obviously, we spoke about it and it's not like I would have totally overruled his wishes and say announced it on Facebook but I think if you would like the support of your parents, then you should have it. It was nice seeing my parents so excited about being grandparents: if the first they had known about was the miscarriage I would have missed seeing that joy and I'm glad I didn't.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I definitely took the lead on these kind of decisions with my DH but that's partly because he didn't question what I felt or wanted, he just wanted me to be happy/comfortable. We discussed things but which way I was swaying always won. If you want to tell your mum I would explain to him why you want to tell her and then tell her.

You're a couple and yes it's his baby too but first and foremost you're an individual with your own rights and feelings and becoming a baby incubator does not trump that!

[ScotsLamb]

Is it possible for you to have an early private scan at say 8 weeks then tell family after that? You should see a heartbeat then and it's still before 12 weeks. Might give you something to look forward to.
I loved that me and partner were the only two to know for a while. We kept it from family until 11 weeks (we had a scan) but I had to tell work fairly early on.

[NC1990]

We waited until nearly 11 weeks to tell parents and siblings, we are both very close to our families but my mum is a worrier and I didn't want her to worry about something going wrong (she herself has had three miscarriages). It was nice to see them so excited and know that our chance of miscarriage was greatly reduced from waiting that bit longer. It was also really nice keeping it a special secret between my husband and I in those early weeks.

Can you perhaps compromise and go for a private scan at 9/10 weeks and tell them then?

[Oysterbabe]

It's a difficult one when you're not on the same page with this.
We both wanted to wait. DH's mum is a worrier and mine would have been so, so excited it would have broken her heart to then find out I'd miscarried, it would have made it even harder for me having to break it to her. Also if the baby had a trisomy or something and we decided to terminate that isn't a decision I'd be happy to discuss with anyone else.
I think an early scan would be a reasonable compromise if he'd be happy with that.

[Craigie]

I was about 18 weeks before I told anyone coz I had amino and needed to know the outcome. My view is that if you would tell your parents/in laws if you had a miscarriage, then there is no possible reason to wait to tell them that you're pregnant.

[Gothbaby]

we ideally wanted to wait but because we reallllllly wanted to tell family in person, we told the week after we found out! Saying that though... our families are far apart and it was Christmas time so was the only time everyone would be together x

[ddegville]

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I've sat down with DH this evening and explained why i want to tell the folks now. We have decided that we will tell only the parents and no one else until 12 weeks.

[mummabubs]

Congrats OP! You've decided to do what we did- like you I wanted to tell my family straight away as my little sister was literally due to fly out to Australia for a year a few days later and I wanted to tell her in person, whereas DH wanted to wait until 12 weeks. We originally agreed to just tell my family at 5 weeks and then his at 12 but as soon as he saw my family's reaction he wanted his family to know so we told them the next day. Hope your announcement goes well! Xx

[Orangebird69]

We told our parents as soon as we found out - 5 weeks. But no one else until 14 weeks (after t21 blood test). Then didn't hide it from anyone else after the 20 week scan. Congrats!

[Beachbaby2017]

I think it's fine to tell different people at different times. It's really a question of who you'd feel comfortable knowing if something went wrong, and, who you'd actually like to have supporting you if something went wrong. And I definitely think the pregnant person's preferences should get stronger weight, it's your body doing this thing and if something goes wrong, it's your body going through that too. There were people, family, that I absolutely would not want to know if I was having a miscarriage or anything like that, so we didn't tell them until much later.

[YouCantArgueWithStupid]

I think the not telling before 12 weeks is a bit erm archaic? Maybe because I feel like it's telling mum that she shouldn't feel pain and upset if it happens before then? But I totally understand why some women wouldn't want to. X

[Touchmybum]

I told my mum with the steaming pregnancy test in my hand!!! The only thing she missed was the conception...

[Caretoomuch2017]

We told our parents, my DH's sisters (I have no siblings) and our two closest friends. That was it until twelve weeks then everyone was told. It's a decision you can make with your DH that you are both happy with.

[NC1990]

Don't agree that it's archaic, given the statistics. Some people are very private when it comes to grief, if the worst had happened to me I know I would have needed some time to myself to process things before being ready to face family. Lots of others would be the opposite. There is nothing wrong with either option.

[GottaLoveIceCream]

CantArgueWithStupid I don't think that it's archaic at all, the chance of loosing the baby decreases loads within the small window leading up to the 12 week scan. I can't understand why you'd associate it with telling the mum that she can't feel pain before then. I have thankfully never experienced loosing a baby but if I did then I'm sure I'd want to grieve in private without having to deal with texts off friends asking about trivial things like morning sickness and names. I know that anything can happen throughout the 40 weeks but the chances do decrease a lot after the 12 week scan.

We told my parents within a week of finding out and knew we could trust them to not tell the world but told dh parents after the 12 week scan which worked for us. I don't see a problem with telling one set of parents before the other, I think it depends upon the relationship you have with each set of parents.