Think I might be pregnant, but I've been on the pill with no mishaps?

[CherryCokeFairy]

Hi,

We are in panic stations right now. I think I'm pregnant. The pregnancy test line is faint, but constant on all 3 tests I have done. I don't have kids yet and we were planning on waiting until we had bought our house and had a small wedding, not because we are religious just because I refuse to have a different name to my kiddy (and of course because I want to be married).

I'll be blunt here, abortion was brought up when I told my partner. But now I'm worrying if I could even go through with it. I miscarried about 7/8 years ago when i was still quite young and the thought of willingly aborting another baby tears me apart. BUT I don't want to force my partner into something that he isn't ready for yet.

We are currently in the middle of buying our house and that should be done within weeks, but he is concerned that that means we will only have a limited amount of time to save for a baby, and a wedding (nothing flash!). I told him not to worry about a wedding as this is not ideal.... but hell. I don't know what to do.

Anyone else been in a similar situation or able to give me some words of advice?

(sorry I haven't used any abbreviations, I feel like i'm breaking an unspoken law here lol)

[Dixiechick17]

We were saving for a house when I fell pregnant. It was a bit of a surprise, different in that we had been married just under two years. Our house buying has been put on hold due to nursery fees, but I don't care about that as our DD is worth it. As far as saving for a baby goes, you can pick a lot up in sales, second hand etc. I was a bargain shopper and got some great deals on baby stuff through black Friday, January sales etc I chose to breastfeed for as long as possible which saved buying formula, nappies and bits aren't too bad cost wise, we just made it work.

Sorry if that's not much help.

[CherryCokeFairy]

Thanks, I really appreciate the reply.

How much would you say baby cost you? We are already in the purchasing of our house, solicitors have been instructed etc so it would be really bad to back out now. I know that if we went through with the pregnancy we wouldn't regret it once baby was born, BUT it would probably be a stressful pregnancy trying to balance costs.

I already don't work and my partner is the sole earner in the house so we wouldn't lose any income... He's adamant we need to terminate though and try again in a few years time when the time is 'right'

[Kittenrush]

My bf and I had been together a month when I fell pregnant, we've known each other years but obviously it isn't exactly ideal! I'm now 37 weeks, we've made it work. We don't have loads of money but you don't need loads and loads so long as you're willing to go second hand and stuff. Seriously if you have your house sorted you're miles ahead of some people :) don't let him pressure you into you don't want to do. I'm so glad we decided to continue. We're both so happy now I'm about to pop xx

[Kittenrush]

I would say we've spent about £800 over the space of 6 months. Doesn't exactly break the bank :)

[shotokangaljpm]

Hi. I'm not sure if this is the right page to post this question but here it goes. Embarrassing to say but I am concerned about an ectopic pregnancy due to the fact that in the past I've contracted chlamydia twice. So can anyone give me hope 8 weeks prego

[Newdad19]

I hope you dont mind me posting on your thread as I am a man, but maybe can help to give a bit of a males perspective on it for you...

I would echo what one of the posters said above - the fact you evenn have a house sorted and almost complete is brilliant and will give you a lot more security than a lot of people who arent as fortunate to be in your position.

I definitely would proceed with the house. Sure it might not be easy balancing costs of just moving and saving up for a baby, but longer term it will pay off for you. As others have also said, the initial cost actually doesnt need to be that great either. You will be inundated with so many kind gifts etc you often need to buy very little clothes, a moses basket or small crib would do you for the first 6 months.

As a dad, I think men can often get quite practical about this whole situation and distance themselves from the emotion kf the baby or the early pregnancy and just focus on calculations and savings plans, but in reality I think if you let the news sync in and actually seriously considered how you could make it work it wouldnt seem so bad.

[TheHubblesWindscreenWipers]

Tiny babies don't cost much at all. You can get almost everything second hand with the exception of a car seat and cot mattresses. They do very little other than prevent you going out so you may even spend less (we haven't had a night out for over a year...)

There's never 'a good time.' There's always something - too young, too old, new job, new house. I found I was pregnant the day we laid the foundations for our house and project managed it with severe hyperemesis and Spd. It wasn't easy but it was fine.

I am very, very pro choice. But any man who 'told' me or was 'adamant' I had to abort would be told to fuck right off. There's no 'we' in that descision. It's your body. Do not be pressured. You sure you want to marry this guy? This to me would be a relationship breaker.

[haveacupoftea]

You need to cool your jets. Your baby should be your priority. Don't rush a wedding because your baby will have a different name, that is madness. Whats in a name? It doesnt make him or her any less your baby.

Having said that your partner is behaving like a prize arsehole. The time will never be right and you need to have a serious talk about if he will ever be ready to step up to the plate and provide for you and your child.

[wobblywonderwoman]

I would keep the baby. What's the difference now or in a few years since you know for sure you want to have a baby together ?

[Dixiechick17]

Just to add I didn't mean back out of the sale of the house, we weren't at that stage, we were saving.

[Troublesmith]

The biggest cost of babies is childcare when you go back to work. If you are already not working the additional cost isn't that much. If you breastfeed, even cheaper.

There are always local NCT sales of seconhand kit, you only need a brand new mattress and car seat. Look at NCT website for your area.

You will lose money by aborting your sale, and yes that is the correct term, unless you indemnified pre transaction. Searches, solicitors fees, disbursements (don't know what they are?!), they don't come cheap. Think thousands of £££

There is never, ever, never, a perfect time for a baby. They are chaos merchants, sick cannons and filth magnets. I absolutely adore, love and cherish mine, the chaos, sick and filth phase does pass.

MN fave phrase "this too shall pass", its true.

[Dixiechick17]

To give you an idea of our initial outlay

QuinnyTravel system second hand £190
Glider Crib £35 in sale
Mattress for crib £12
Cot bed £150 in sale
Motorola monitor £55 in the sale
Cot bed mattress £50 in the sale
Bouncer chair given to us
Changing mat £5 (didn't bother with a changing table)
Essential clothing and blankets approx £50 we had loads bought as gifts so didn't go overboard
Playmat £10 secondhand
Ikea antilop highchair £14
Baby sling £50
Nappies first two sizes aldi £2.79 a pack I think
Baby bath £12

Anything else we bought was probably not an essential, I may have missed some stuff off though.

[hoolahoola]

If you are pregnant (might not be though, right?) there are plenty of ways you can do things cheaply. Cloth nappies are amazing if you'll be at home and save you loads of money (they've come a long way in recent years! Not as grim as they used to be!) Aldi nappies are good too, as well as breast feeding and second hand clothes and furniture (eBay, charity shops and facebook selling pages are amazing). You can get everything second hand, sometimes even for free.

I had two babies at the same time on a very limited income (young and single), so as much as I can't relate to your exact circumstances, I hope that my knowledge can be helpful. I also considered termination, it's nothing to be ashamed of if you do go with that option - one of my friends took that route and as much as it was difficult, she's happy with her decision and has two children now 5 years down the line. If you do make the decision to terminate, make sure you're happy with the decision and you aren't just doing it for your partner. Also seek therapy afterwards, it is important.

I hope things work out for you OP.

[CherryCokeFairy]

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. I just want to point out that my partner hasn't been a total dick.... more of a panicking arsehole who completely forgot that my emotions were sky high whilst he was having a meltdown.

see £800 sounds manageable to me. and I'm sure we would get alot of help from family (the cot has been in the family generations, high chair i already have from baby sitting. I've always wanted to breast feed so that would be ideal. I also love a good bargain, I love car boot sales and charity shops and also sites like gumtree and facebook sale pages so I'm sure i could get most stuff cheap as chips.

I guess the thing is that I don't want to force him into this, I want him to be a willing dad because I know he will be brilliant, but as things stand he just doesn't think he is ready and worries we will be rubbing families faces in it when we have just borrowed a lot of money to help us get the deposit for our house.

We've agreed to let things lie until the weekend and then get a clearblue pregnancy test and see whats what.... then explore options. Being able to go back to him and say "look this isn't going to cost us as much in the first year or so as we thought" may help :)

I dont think it helps that I think I am ready for a baby, but we had agreed to wait until the financial situation was better and we were wedded.

for those who mentioned it. I don't want my name because I was brought up in care... i think because of that stability and having us all part of the same family and name is very important to me. we've been together nearly 7 years now so it was on the cards x

[Oysterbabe]

Give the baby his name and you can take it too when you get round to getting married.
It is your body and your choice. It sounds to me like you would really regret aborting. How old are you?

[divafever99]

There is never a "right" time for a baby. I would just go with it and worry about a wedding sometime in the future. Small babies really don't need much, especially if you plan on breastfeeding. I know plenty of people who bought tons of unessential baby kit which hardly got used. We managed with a buggy, changing mat, nappies, Moses basket and a few clothes. It sounds like you will be fine having already sorted somewhere to live. Good luck .

[Roomba]

Yes, you don't need to be married yet to give your child your DP's surname. Both of mine have their father's surname and we never married.

I got pregnant twice on the pill - the first time I'd been suffering from IBS so assumed that it hadn't been as effective. After the second time (which was only discovered at 28 weeks due to me still having monthly bleeds all the way through, not trying to panic you sorry) I realised it perhaps wasn't the best contraception for me!

With DC1 I was also in the process of house buying at that time, so really worried about money. I certainly spent less than £800 though, although my parents did buy us a pram and we got lots of clothes as gifts.

Second time around, I was distraught as we were utterly broke, I'd just been laid off, our benefits had been stopped for weeks due to an error, and I only had a few weeks to prepare myself. I hadn't kept any of the old baby stuff as there's a 6.5 year age gap. We spent £90 in ASDA in a blind panic after my scan said I was 33 weeks pregnant - a few packs of babygrows and vests, a changing mat and few packs of nappies, a car seat in the sale - I can't even remember buying anything else there. I bought a cheap cot from IKEA for about £70, and a friend of my mum's donated a pram. Babies don't have to be expensive at all, honestly. They cost more as they get older, but you have time to plan and prepare for that.

If you want to keep this baby, don't let your DP talk you into an abortion. It's your body and your choice, and if you wait for the 'perfect time' to have a child it will never come along.

[scaredofthecity]

Don't give up on your house!!!! We decided to wait when found out I was pregnant and that was a big mistake. It is so so much harder to get on the ladder once you have a child.
They really dont have to cost much. In fact we managed to save whilst I was on mat leave.

[LondonRoo]

We had a surprise pregnancy just less than a year into our relationship - I was recommended not to use any hormonal contraception for a while due to some minor issues that turned out to be nothing and we weren't as careful as we could have been.

Anyway - there is an initial shock - DP barely spoke for a few hours. Things were not as we had ever imagined or planned them to be but so what - we created a little human life and we both quite quickly decided to embrace the situation.

So cut a long story short in the last 5 months since we found out we have put our houses on the market, found a new place to live which will be a better place to bring up a family than where we are now. We've discussed a wedding but it can wait.

Honestly - I think it's the best thing that ever happened to me and I think DP would say the same. In hindsight having seen several friends struggle to conceive and being in our mid 30s we are both grateful it happened so easily for us and are glad we didn't go through a long or tough TTC journey.

My advice is not to do anything now that you may regret later. Let the shock wear off before making any final decisions. Being pregnant and having a child will change your life but it doesn't have to be a disaster.

Have you told anyone? I also found it helpful telling a couple of close friends and my parents - their reaction was so positive which helped me to start to get a bit less shocked and more excited.

Roo

[CherryCokeFairy]

I haven't told anyone except my partner, and I wouldn't do if we decided to keep 'it' until 3 months minimum anyway because of a miscarriage i had those years ago... I think it makes it alot harder when everyone knows you've lost a baby, especially when you just need your own space.

We won't be pulling out of the house, we've spent the last year and a half frantically saving and now its finally going through, my partner had about 2 decent nights sleep before the pregnancy happened and now he's back to not sleeping. I think he feels like its all just a bit much a bit soon, house, baby and possible wedding (although I have told him to dismiss that).

I've done plenty of babysitting so I don't think i'll be an unnecessary buyer... certainly wouldn't be buying a changing table (everyone changes their baby on the sofa or floor right? I've never met anyone who's used a changing table lol)

I'm 26, personally I think I'm probably ready for a baby with the support of my partner. we are happy, will own our own home in a few weeks and the dogs are good around kids)

I've told him I'm not rushing into it, he needs to support me in whatever we need to do and he understands that now (although is still freaking out inside) The problem with it is that we had decided no kids a few months ago when i came off the implant, went onto the pill and when a mistake happened in that first month we had the conversation of if it happened we would have to deal with it, possibly by abortion.... but now that its actually happened (and its not my fault for forgetting the tablet) I feel completely different... talking about abortion and actually going through with it might sound the same, but really aren't when in the position :(

We will have another chat over the weekend when we've got the clearblue test... I'm trying desperately for it not to be the only thing we talk about at the moment because we need that confirmation.

[crayfish]

If you want to keep the baby (it sounds like you do) then you can figure the other stuff out. We got married, moved house and had DS all inside a year and yes it was stressful at times but it was also the best year of my life. Young babies are cheap to kit-out, it's childcare that'ts the killer so think about what you would do for that. In DS's first year we spend about £500, if that to be honest, although my in-laws did buy us an expensive travel system so we didn't have to pay for that.

You can get literally everything second hand, gumtree and facebook groups were my saviour and we got pretty much everything at a bargain price. Its certianly doable if you want to do it so don't panic.

[ricepolo]

Remember also that you don't need the money right now. You have 36-odd weeks to save and get your bits together. All you'll need are pregnancy vitamins and some maternity clothes (often just clothes in a bigger size to normal work just fine, or eBay is great for specifically 'maternity' stuff).

You also have 36+ weeks to get your heads around the idea of being parents: you're not going to have the baby any time soon.

[CherryCokeFairy]

Clearblue has come back as 2-3 weeks.

Trying to get my head around everything before we make a decision but as things stand I don't think I can abort it... I'm a spreadsheet queen and I've got graphs and stuff figuring out what we will need and how much it will cost... The problem is we will need a new car as ours is going to fail its MOT miserably and at the moment our dogs have harnesses on the back seat.... no room for extra passengers. This is going to be the really difficult thing to sort I think...

[ricepolo]

Am I allowed to wish you congratulations?

It will get sorted. You have time.

[crayfish]

I'm as pro-choice as they come, but I really don't think you should have a termination because of a problem with your car. I think the car thing probably seems like a bigger problem to you than it is because you are overwhelmed. Financial stability is important when you have a baby, but try not to focus on the little problems and look at the bigger picture when you are making your decision.