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Family visiting after birth

(38 Posts)
MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 14:58:22

Hi all,

I'm only 16 weeks pregnant, but this is already causing arguments and stress. My mum wants to stay with us after the birth, my sister is also aching to be there right away. Neither can understand why I don't want them at the hospital (I only want my DH there).

Whenever I mention my mum's insistence on being there, my DH gets upset thinking his parents are being ousted out the picture in favour of my side of the family. This is reinforced by my very vocal nan seeming to think she will drive us to the hospital when I go into labour (my DH doesn't drive) even though we've planned transport. She also always forgets about DH's side of the family, arguing that she's second in line to babysit after my mum. She's very pushy so I can understand why he gets irritated, but I know that this is all coming from a place of excitement and love on their part. I also know we're ultimately in control, no one else, but DH is getting very antsy about it all.

How did you manage who comes to visit first (and possibly telling others they have to wait their turn?) Did your mum or MIL stay with you afterwards and how did you work that out? How can I ensure my side of the family doesn't sideline DH's side!? My MIL and PIL are excited but we're not as close as I am with my parents obviously, so I speak to them about it less and they haven't ever mentioned staying after the birth so I am assuming they don't plan to. It also doesn't help that DH's side of the family always travel in a large group, bringing both his brothers and often extended family with them too which just makes the issue of visiting a lot more hectic!

Argh, don't know what to do. I want to be in control of it but feel other people are already sticking their oar in - had a long text from my mum this morning telling me I would need her and that it's what women do all over the world. Can't get anyone to back off and let us make our own plans! Help! smile

MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 15:00:18

P.S. first baby and grandchild for everyone so I think that's part of the problem!

WishUponAStar88 Sat 15-Feb-14 15:05:13

I'm even earlier than you but said long before I got pregnant that when the time came I wouldn't want anyone other than dh at the hospital. My family won't be a problem (I hope!) as they're not local. His family though have always been at the hospital quickly with previous grandchilden. dh said the other day "if you don't want my family to be there we'll just not tell anyone when you go into hospital!" so that's the plan for now anyway! Nobody will know until after baby is born. There's so much time fir everyone else, I think those first few hours should be just for parents. I will also no doubt feel amd look like crap so really have no desire for in-laws to see me in that state!!

KatAndKit Sat 15-Feb-14 15:06:55

Just say no. Its a child not a time share! My mother didn't stay with me after the birth and I survived. It is nice just to have that time with your husband and baby as your new little family. Also your dh by the sounds of it does not want bossy overbearing mother in law staying for weeks in his home. As for the hospital, just don't say when you go into labour. Let them visit during visiting hours when you feel up to it. Visitors go home quicker from hospital than they do from your home!

You need to make things crystal clear to your family. Put on your big girl panties and set some boundaries.

MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 15:08:41

Haha I feel the same WishUponAStar88, not going to be up for a big group of people gawping just after I've given birth! I've also suggested we don't tell people when I go into labour - I think it might upset a few people but might be best for us. DH also argues that since he will have to leave the hospital after the birth if I have to stay overnight, he will have less time with our baby if others are there too. I think that's a fair point...

MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 15:09:45

Thanks KatAndKit, tried to do that with my mum in reply to her text message this morning. She hasn't replied! I'm hoping it will sink in.

RhinestoneCowgirl Sat 15-Feb-14 15:11:41

My mum stayed with us before and a few days after DS was born. She was there when he was born too (homebirth) and tbh she was absolutely fantastic. We asked her to come rather than her offering - she was v keen that she didn't come between me and DH, and she certainly didn't. She did a lot of practical things, and was v supportive to DH too.

If you really don't want your mum there, then it's ok to tell her that. Maybe keep reinforcing how keen you are to see her after the baby is born?

livingzuid Sat 15-Feb-14 15:12:45

The only way to be fair is say no visitors from anyone at least for 48 hours. It is your and dh's moment not theirs. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail.

Your dh's wishes come above you mum, nan, best friend, whoever. It is annoying when your other half's family are demanding - yes he married into your family but there is a limit.

Good luck.

icklekid Sat 15-Feb-14 15:13:47

Could your mum come and stay after dh goes back to work after paternity leave? That way she will be useful but you get a week or two with dh?

RhinestoneCowgirl Sat 15-Feb-14 15:14:09

And agree don't tell people when you go into labour. First labours can take a while and I would have hated to have thought that there were people waiting outside the room desperate for news, talk about pressure!

Frusso Sat 15-Feb-14 15:16:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaclyneyre84 Sat 15-Feb-14 15:18:39

you have to make it clear to all relatives that this s YOUR baby and who is there and if people stay over is your and your partners choice. yes its great and exciting for grandparents too, but you need your own space to recover and time to get used to being a mum on your own not with people always there. decide that if after a few days or weeks if you feel like you need help then grandma can stay over for period of time. just let them know you are grateful and happy that they are happy, but first and foremost this is your child so your rules x

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Sat 15-Feb-14 15:18:48

If you don't want them at the hospital don't tell them until after the baby arrives and if you want visitors at visiting times. Ignore phones.
If you don't want someone else apart from your dh in the house the day you come out you have to speak up and say, we want time to adjust, but can I call you if I need you.
You will be the parents now, proper adults and everything. wink Set ground rules before the baby arrives, not now, too early.
Just now smile and nod just now,you have no idea what you will feel like when this baby arrives. Once you get near your due date and people keep harping on about baby sitting, reply that it is a person not a toy to be handed round for a shot of.
Also the excitement will die down and people say a lot of things but don't follow thru.
I did all these things for my dhs family's side, baby is 7 months.
They call or txt and ask to come round, pil have been left with the baby for 10mins when I went to the shop, and he screamed blue murder and they admitted they didn't know what to do. And happily handed him back.
All the baby sitting offers have never been spoken about, and 2 people who went on about baby sitting haven't even bothered to come and meet him.
And I have a really easy baby. But he's mine and dhs not theirsgrin

Congrats on your pregnancy.

MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 15:19:08

RhinstoneCowgirl - this is what mum says she wants to do, and practical stuff would be great (cooking, cleaning perhaps...) but it's more the issue of giving her priority over DH's parents (if she's there, DH's parents will want to be there too as is only fair). I will have to arrange a rota ;-)

PatrickStarisabadbellend Sat 15-Feb-14 15:22:14

My mum was equally as annoying during my second pregnancy. Because she had been present during the birth if my first born she took it upon herself to ask other family members if they wanted a turn.

I blew up like a bottle of pop and told her where to go.

I know exactly how you feel op. She also announced the sex of my first born to my Dp and 13 years on it still angers me.

MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 15:24:00

Thanks everyone good advice, like KitAndKat said, just need to get my big girl panties on and be tough about it... yellowsnownoteatwillyou I like the tact you're suggesting too - I want to do it myself, but can I call if I need you! Will definitely do that, thanks.

ivykaty44 Sat 15-Feb-14 15:32:52

no one came with me the first time apart from the babies father, no one stayed with us afterwards and no one asked to stay with us as we were expected to bond as a family.

my mum popped in to make sure I was ok after the birth - she lived 5 minutes walk from the maternity hospital and I had a e c section, she stayed all of 5 minutes gave me a kiss and told me my daughter was beautiful -then left as she didn't want to interfere

Tell you family they need to take a break and stop queuing up to boss you about as it isn't about them but it is about you and dp becoming a family in our own right and accepting that you may want different things than they did or what they would like now.

TheOnlySeven Sat 15-Feb-14 15:41:44

A couple I know sent out an announcement to everyone telling them baby had arrived but they wanted a few days alone to adjust to being a family. It read something like we know you're all desperate for cuddles, we promise you'll get them but not until we've had ours first.

Pixielady83 Sat 15-Feb-14 15:53:29

I didn't have my mum to stay afterwards and it was fine. She visited once a week (she is close enough to come for the day but not close enough to just pop by) and helped me out loads with housework etc, looked after baby while I had a sleep. I think if your DP has paternity leave and you're both willing to be all hands on deck then you don't really need anyone else. Even on the worst nights of that first couple of weeks, DH and I took turns at taking the baby for a couple of hours and the other person got the earplugs and to have 2 hours sleep before the next 'shift'.

My MIL did come and stay nearby in the first week (when I was mainly in hospital) and came to most visiting hours at hospital and expected DH to feed her dinner, keep her entertained, walk her back to accommodation etc when visiting hours were over. He spent far more time running around after her in that first week than with me and I found that really upsetting because I really needed him and he often cut visiting short to go and attend to MIL. We have therefore said no visitors who are going to stay (whether with us or in accommodation) for first fortnight this time and have used DD as a bit of an excuse as we've said we want to make sure she gets used to new baby. We've also used breastfeeding establishment as a reason, on quite a valid basis, as I struggled with it last time and having MIL around a lot of the first week didn't help with that. It's not gone down brilliantly with some but most parties have been very supportive and understanding.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Sat 15-Feb-14 16:17:26

Pixie that's awful! I hope your mil has redeemed herself since. Or your dh won't allow that to happen again. I would have been full of rage.
Melon, it's a good line to use, i generally have no tact, but it has served me well.

MelonLemon Sat 15-Feb-14 16:28:06

That is awful Pixie! I hope this time around it's the way you want it.

RaRa1988 Sat 15-Feb-14 16:41:38

I've been worrying about this too as I really don't want DP's mother descending on us in the first couple of weeks. That would be fine, except that I might want my mam to be on hand during labour, and I definitely want my parents to visit whilst I'm hospital - I will be in for a couple of days getting breastfeeding established etc, and DP will be at work during this time. I'm hoping DP will see that it's about me as well as the baby and that I shouldn't have to have visitors I don't want, especially when I'm on my own and he's not there, but I reckon it's going to cause arguments that my parents will see our daughter before his mother does :-/

KatAndKit Sat 15-Feb-14 17:10:55

I think it is a bit unreasonable to have your own mum around loads and not even let his mum meet her grandchild for a couple of weeks. It is perfectly reasonable to not want his mum to see you in labour but surely a brief visit in the hospital and a non overnight visit at home won't hurt?

KatAndKit Sat 15-Feb-14 17:11:02

I think it is a bit unreasonable to have your own mum around loads and not even let his mum meet her grandchild for a couple of weeks. It is perfectly reasonable to not want his mum to see you in labour but surely a brief visit in the hospital and a non overnight visit at home won't hurt?

MissSlackPants84 Sat 15-Feb-14 17:19:37

I've put my foot down. My mum has been demanding that she attends the birth and so on and so forth. We've made the decision not to tell anyone when I go into labour. Providing all goes well we will only tell the parental units once we are home then they are welcome to visit mob handed until we kick them out.

Its our baby, our lives. We are not being dictated to smile

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