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unplanned 1st pregnancy scared

(30 Posts)
puggywug81 Fri 26-Jul-13 22:59:10

I just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant. This is totally unplanned. Until last year I was adamant I didn't want kids, my opinion has gradually started to change but I was not planning anything, my oh is in his 40's and I'm 32, he isn't sure he wants to be a dad at this stage in his life, our house is a work in progress, we aren't rich and I keep swinging between thinking a pregnancy will ruin my life versus a termination will ruin my life. My mum was not very maternal and I'm scared if I have this baby I'll be the same, any opinions or advice would be much appreciated as I'm confused and terrified!

mumblecrumble Fri 26-Jul-13 23:04:28

fitting a baby, a person who will grow and be their own real live person, into your life is scary, however you become pregnant. There is never a 'good time'.

You are not your mum. you don;t have to be her if you know whta I mean.

Termination does not mean never being pregnant again. Though, god, that would be very hard.

Can you imagine a year into the futuure? 5 years?

Really sorry this hasnlt happened in a more gentle way for you. It could work out......

mumblecrumble Fri 26-Jul-13 23:04:39

sorry, so very tired!

mumblecrumble Fri 26-Jul-13 23:05:31

My gut feeling is:

Being a Mum changes your life, but it doesn;t end it.

MummyLuce Fri 26-Jul-13 23:20:41

I was in the same situation 2 years ago and became pregnant at the very worst time, and I didn't want children, at least not then. I now have a 13 month old and she is the best thing ever to happen. We have loads of fun and if anything I do more stuff now I have her than less as I had initially feared. I came to realise that there is more to life than going to the pub and career, and now am studying part time, go rock climbing and have been to so many new places!

puggywug81 Fri 26-Jul-13 23:23:30

Thanks so much for replying mumble crumble putting my thoughts down here helped and your replies make a lot of sense.

puggywug81 Fri 26-Jul-13 23:25:26

Thank you mummyluce your reply us very reassuring and gives me hope.

purplemurple1 Sat 27-Jul-13 08:03:29

me and OH are similar ages to you and your OH, I'm 34wks with our first. The age thing was something we discussed lots before trying and is still a bit of a worry for my OH as he has friends from school with grandkids already.
There are lots of positives though (at least we think so), we are more mature and more settled in your own personlaity and life than we were in our 20's. Our careers aren't in that crazy stage where you have to work loads of OT to get promoted/move forward. We aren't worried about things like less nights in the pub, a slower social life as we did all that years ago. I don't think there is any perfect age, you just have to appreciate the positives of where you are.

Oh and we aren't our parents, we can do things differently - at least I really hope so mine weren't anything I want to live up to.

Holly94 Sat 27-Jul-13 08:08:48

Hi puggywug, I completely understand how you're feeling. I'm 18 and I'm 12 weeks pregnant. When I found out, it was such a massive shock. I had a university place this September, I was in the middle of my A-Levels, I was supposed to be going travelling and I cried thinking my life was over and that I'd ruined it. My family all told me this sort of thing isn't supposed to happen to girls like me.
I'm not going to lie, in the first few weeks I struggled and a few times questioned if I was making the right decision to keep the baby but I knew in my heart that if I had a termination I would never be able to forgive myself. I then had an early scan and when I saw the baby on the screen with its beating heart, I knew I'd made the right decision and even though this baby is unplanned it's now a very much wanted and looked forward to baby.
Whatever you decide, there will be support in place for you. Have you looked at having some impartial counselling? They help people struggling with an unplanned pregnancy make the decision to keep it or to end the pregnancy on an impartial, unbiased basis. I've heard it's very good. No one can make this choice apart from you.
Good luck, everything will be okay. It might not feel like it right now, but trust me it will. flowers

BlessThisMess Sat 27-Jul-13 08:39:19

When I was first pregnant, I was terrified. I was 33, my DH was 48, and I'd always said I didn't want children though, like you, I'd started to think about changing my mind. I'd never been good with children and certainly we didn't have much money. Truly I was scared to death and wondered if I'd totally ruined my life.

Having children has been the best thing I've ever done. They have given my life so much more depth, meaning and joy. If I'd known what an absolute delight it was going to be, I would have started much younger. None of my dire predictions about how I would cope with being pregnant or having a small baby have come true! Now I have 2 girls age 8 and 12, and the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I know it's scary, but you have many more months to get used to the idea before baby arrives, and honestly, you are just going to be bowled over by the tsunami of love that you feel!

puggywug81 Sat 27-Jul-13 11:23:54

Bless this mess, Holly94, and Purplemurple thankful so much for taking the time to reply, when reading each of your replies I can feel myself calm down a little more, when I 1st found out I felt so alone and like I was the only one in this position now I feel more calm to try and make the right decision,thank you@-}--

Holly94 Sat 27-Jul-13 12:42:15

Take some time to think things over. How has your partner reacted to the news?

puggywug81 Sat 27-Jul-13 14:40:28

He has reacted well, he has come round to the idea but says he would be equally supportive if I chose to terminate as it is my body and bottom line decision. So he is supportive but this doesn't really help make my mind up!

Frizz1986 Sat 27-Jul-13 15:17:29

puggy its true that there is never a 'right time' for a child.

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first, 27 years old, own a home and am recently married. This baby was completely planned and 12 weeks ago when we found out about the pregnancy it seemed perfect timing. Fast forward to today and my husband has lost his job and we are trying to prepare for the fact that come january we may be using maternity pay to support 2 adults, a baby, a dog and pay a mortgage so we dont lose our home.
No matter how planned or unplanned things are, life constantly changes around you so all you can do is make the best decision for you at the time.
For me, given what I know now about our situation, i would still be having this baby as everyone i know has said that having a child has been the best experience they have ever had. It just means life will be harder than i hoped.

I hope this shows that just because it is unplanned doesnt mean that you are in a worse situation than someone who planned the whole thing. Just make sure you decide whats right for you.

puggywug81 Sat 27-Jul-13 17:30:31

Thank you Frizz1986 and I hope everything works out for you and your partner I will keep my fingers crossed for him finding a new job.

Andanotherthing123 Sat 27-Jul-13 18:36:15

Hi OP, good advice here, just wanted to add that I had lots of fears before becoming pregnant about repeating my parents mistakes. I paid for councilling (was a struggle financially and we're not well off) and kept it going up to having my first child. It helped me look objectively at my upbringing and helped me understand what happened and why. It was emotionally gruelling, but I gave birth to my baby feeling that I had the advantage of self knowledge and it was that which would help me bring up my baby to have the home life I didn't get.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Essexgirlupnorth Sat 27-Jul-13 18:47:21

Even if the baby is planned it can be scary. I am also 32 and partner is same age. Took 16 months to get pregnant and now 30 weeks but are still times when I am scared about having a child and the changes that it will bring.
Only you can decide what is best for you and your life. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Vinividivino Sat 27-Jul-13 18:54:47

I was never sure about wanting kids but I was more scared about the decision being taken away from me by getting too old. So I took the plunge, even though it didn't feel like the right time, was genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish now that I had done it earlier. It's knackering, scary, emotionally draining but so wonderful too. I can't say it'll be the same for you but I can say that I am a very different mum to my mum so don't worry about that. It sounds like you have a supportive and understanding DH, which makes it a whole lot easier! Good luck whatever you decide.

Ps - Holly94 - the counseling is a good idea. At 18, I wasn't anywhere near as smart and sensible as you sound. Your LO will be lucky to have you as a Mum.

puggywug81 Sat 27-Jul-13 21:47:02

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my post,im very grateful, as soon as I come to a decision I will let you all know.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 28-Jul-13 12:17:25

Hiya, I'm in a bit of a different situation to you as I am 23, but my pregnancy was very much unplanned (I'm now 29 weeks). At first I went into a complete state of shock and panic. I couldn't see there was any way that I could be a good mum and it seemed like the worst timing financially etc. I felt no connection to my baby and felt like I would be the same cold detached mother as my own.

I thought I might have to have a termination because I convinced myself I could never love my baby. However, I gave myself some time. I stopped judging every negative thought and allowed myself to feel whatever came up. I gave myself until 12 weeks to make my decision. Slowly over those weeks I calmed down and started to entertain the possibility that my assumption of the worst case scenario was not necessarily true.

I started to see there was the possibility that I wouldn't be like my mum, that I would love my baby and that i had the potential to be a good mum. I decided to keep my baby.

Over the last 7 months that little spark of possibility has grown into confidence and excitement. I have gone from feeling no connection with my baby and struggling to share my body, to a strong bond and loving feeling towards my little girl.

I have 11 weeks until my due date and I now can't wait to meet my baby girl. This pregnancy was not at all planned, and I was sent into the depths of dispair at first, but over time that has completely changed and I now couldn't be happier.

I'm going to be nothing like my mum, and neither will you. Good luck op, give yourself some time to get your head around things. Don't be hard on yourself, anything you are feeling is 100% ok.

puggywug81 Sun 28-Jul-13 12:34:34

Heffalumptheflump thank you so much your post really helped, you basically described my fears about being a cold distant mum, thankfully and good luck for your New arrival!

puggywug81 Tue 30-Jul-13 07:41:45

Update - after much discussion with OH we have decided to keep him or her, i am still terrified but also excited! Thankful for all your replies they really helped me. X

Holly94 Tue 30-Jul-13 08:12:00

Congratulations puggywug!
It's terrifying, but exciting at the same time. And the end product will be so worth it - when you're holding your tiny baby for the first time!

Vinividivino Tue 30-Jul-13 13:12:16

Congratulations puggywug81 - am sure you will love being a mum! Now you've made your decision - try and enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can. It's such a special time and it goes by in a flash (although it doesn't always feel like it!). Best of luck. You have us Mumsnetters rooting for you!

puggywug81 Wed 31-Jul-13 06:59:49

Thank you so much Holly94 and Vinividivino, I've just bought myself a pregnancy book to try and get my head around it, I'm trying not to read to far ahead though because if I read about Labour now I will be terrified for the next 9 months!:-D

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