It's a girl....thought it was a boy......

[Notinthepink]

So our 20 week scan has shown us a lovely healthy girl. Both DH and I were pretty stunned as we were both convinced it was going to be a boy and in our hearts we both wanted one.

The scan was 3days ago now & I'm ashamed that I'm still feeling low. I never had a good relationship with my mother and am worried about parenting a girl. I simply won't know what to do with a "girly" girl - I can't stand shopping and princesses and frills and pink.

I know that I'm being selfish and irrational and horrible for even feeling like this, so please don't flame me. It took us a long time to conceive and I've MCd previously, so of course we know how lucky we are and we're delighted that our baby is healthy. I'm worrying now though that I'm going to struggle to bond with my baby when she's born, as I've felt a bit disconnected from the pregnancy since the scan.

Due to my age it's most likely this will be our only child and I've also got it into my head that boys do better as only children, so I'm pretty worried about that too.

I'd really like to hear from anyone who felt like this and how it worked out for you.

I'd also love to hear some great things about amazing daughters and the way they are and stuff they do - particularly solo girls.

[JaxTellerIsMyFriend]

I have a son and a daughter. Both are amazing kids. They are very different in personality, looks and talents but I love them both.

My daughter and I do things together that my son doesnt like doing. I was an only daughter and it was never an issue.

Have you thought about counselling before you give birth to address issues regarding your relationship with your own Mum?

[Notinthepink]

Thanks Jax - yes, I've been through therapy to address family-related issues. My relationship with my mother is ok now as a result of that, but it's never going to win any prizes!

[FrizzyFrazzled]

I have a baby girl and two year old boy. We didn't find out what we were having the second time and I was totally convinced it would be a boy. I, like you, had always assumed I would be better with boys for some reason and I am kind of glad I didn't find out as I would have worried like you are! I adore my little girl with every fibre of my being though.
I think the disconnect is probably a lot to do with being surprised. Don't worry honestly - babies are babies, not much difference in behaviour at all, and that is when you will fall in love with her! If she is a princessy frilly pink girl (which she may not be, I never was!) you'll learn to love all that (in the same way I have become an expert on bin trucks and mr men, courtesy of DS!). Don't worry or overthink things.

[juneau]

Why did you think it was a boy?

[Notinthepink]

frizzy thanks for your message, that's good to hear.

juneau errrrr, cravings for salty food, Chinese gender predictor, no morning sickness. So we basically cobbled together a load of old wives tales and told ourselves it was a boy. What a pair of pillocks eh.....

[hzgreen]

Hi Pink, i understand where you're coming from but for me it was the other way around. i was desperate forr a girl and our first turned out to be a boy. we didn't find out until the birth and it was a real shock. it was hard for me to come to terms with too. of course i was please to have a baby and i love him so much but the fact that i wanted a girl was a seperate issue.

i have a complex relationship with my mum too and have been through some therapy for it. one of the reasons i want a girl is develope the relationship with her that i don't have with my mum. of course i know that it won't be about me, the baby will be their own person despite what i want...

i'm sure your little girl will be lucky to have you as a mum - you don't hve to be into princesses and stuff like that, just love her, give her vboundaries and have fun together. i think boys and girls are the same in needing those things. you'll work the rest out as you go along. and hopefully your experiences with your mum will make uyou a better mum to her
xx

[Notinthepink]

hzgreen thanks for your message and sharing your experience. It's a relief to find I'm not the only one to have these feelings. You're right of course, my own experiences can only inform my parenting and (hopefully) make me a better mother.

[Tangointhenight]

I didn't find out the sex, for this exact reason, I wanted a boy but would never had admitted it. When they handed me a beautiful little baby girl all my worries melted away, my own little girl to love and adore I couldn't have cared if she was a big or girl at that instant.

When you hold your baby nothing will matter except them, in fact I didn't look to see what she was for ages, the midwives let me find out for myself an I totally forgot to look I was so in love with this perfect little baby.

My DD is a delight, I'm not into pink or frillies but if she want to be that's fine, you learn that you have to let them be who they want to be, it doesn't change your love for them.

[Tangointhenight]

Boy or girl not big or girl lol

[Cheekychops84]

I'm pregnant with our third daughter. We really hoped she would b a he and it wasn't to be . For a few days or so I felt disappointed but now I can't wait ! My two daughters are such fun ! My eldest is not a frilly or dresses girl she is so tom boyish and has no dress sense what so ever she prefers shorts and t-shirts she hates dolls prefers books and her scooter! My youngest is total opposite loves eveyrhibg girly! I too am totally fed up with pink ! So I've bought this baby a
Lot of yellow ! But honestly girls are so funny and very independent ! I was an only child and I had a great time!

[GnocchiNineDoors]

Notinthepink, my dd is 7mo and the only times we are reminded she is a girl is at nappy changes. by the time your dd starts to develop 'girl' characteristics youll be so smitten with everything she does that you will 'forgive' the pink and frills.

I dress dd in unisex clothes from Next and H&M and buy her bright multicoloured toys etc. other people did buy her pink stuff but it just gets mixed in with all the other coloured stuff.

Her room is probably more 'boy' style than girl but its what we liked and she doesnt know any different.

Tbh, I cant think of any way my life would be different if she had boy bits instead of girl.bits. She will probably be an only child but I really cant see how her being a biy would make that any easier.

I am sure once she is here she will reassure you with her wonderfulness that girls are great too.

[ILikeMagicMike]

I had the same "problem" as hzgreen when I had my son. We didn't find out the sex, so when he popped out after a very long and tiring labour, and they said "It's a boy!", I don't think I could even crack a teeny smile. I had somehow been expecting a girl, and after all that pain and pushing, it was a flipping boy. Great.

Like you, OP, I didn't know what I would do with a boy - I only had girls in my family, and if I am being brutally honest.....I was gutted.

But within days of him being born, I developed this amazing love for him, and as he has grown up, I have found myself feeling that I couldn't imagine having a girl. He is very loving, and fun to be around - so vivacious and happy. I know it's the other way around for me, but perhaps you might start to feel differently. It will take a while for it to sink in.

FWIW, I can't stand all the girly, princessy, frilly shit either, and I detest pink. But not all girls are like that, and I am sure that once she is here and starts growing up, you will find lots to do with her.

From an emotional point of view, perhaps try to look at why you didn't have such a great relationship with your mother and think about how you will parent your own daughter differently. I didn't have a particularly great relationship with either of my parents, but already I can see that my relationship with my DS is totally different, and he is only 4.

It will all be ok xxx

[Kirsty240287]

We were convinced DD was going to be a boy and was referred to as 'he' before she was born, and even a few days after we had the odd slip up calling her him etc lol I've always been a bit of a tom boy and always had male friends growing up so panicked a bit with what to do with a girl, but we did just fine, and she's a proper girly girl, she's sat on the floor in front of me in her pink pj's, with a pink peppa blanket watching cbeebies! I've even started quite liking pink myself

[MammyToMany]

I was told ds1 was a girl on my 20 week scan - he is 10 years old now and definately a boy!

I have 2 other boys and am pregnant at the moment - I am convinced it will be another lovely boy.

I don't mind what sex the baby is but I think if I found out I was having a girl it would be a huge shock.

[Elizadoesdolittle]

We didn't find out the sex of our DD at our scan and all throughout my pregnancy I was convinced she was a boy. I also couldn't imagine myself with a girl but as soon as DD popped out I couldn't have cared less what sex the baby was. I too don't have a great relationship with my mother but I absolutely love having a daughter. I've no doubt at all that you will feel the same about your DD. And all the only children I know are girls. My good friend in her 30's is an only child and she has a fabulous relationship with her mum. You'll be fine.

[Chunkychicken]

Every child is different & will do exactly what they need/want to do at their own rate. I say this because sometimes it just doesn't matter whether they are a boy or a girl...

I have a 2yo DD & 22wks pg with DC#2. We didn't find out with DD, and I found it quite difficult to 'decide' on a sex all the way through, although my DH & most others seemed to be sure it was a she. This time around I was both v keen to find out the sex & v reluctant, in case I was disappointed one way or another. We didn't find out, and I'm glad now - I've made my peace with it being another girl as it were, as DH is again certain it is a she. If its a boy or a girl, I won't mind. But this is just for background, not really relevant to you...

My DD is not a little pink princess. She likes dollies, puzzles, play-doh & painting. She wants to cook with her play tea sets & read books. Her favourite film is Toy Story & her favourite toy is Jessie from the sequel. At the moment, she wears what I put her in, which is rarely a dress, usually practical leggings/jeans.

What I'm trying to say is, there are certain statistically derived characteristics for girls & boys, but they don't necessarily apply to all children all the time... The only baby you will need to bond with is your one. She will be the only girl that matters to you more than anything in the world & whether she wants to wear tiaras or play with trucks will not matter a jot.

You will (all being well) have approx another 20wks to get used to the idea of having a DD. I'm sure the relationship, or lack thereof, you have with your Mum will not be relevant. Good luck :)

[KikiRC]

Re: your relationship with your mum- me and my mum have never been particularly close- we just don't have all that much in common & very different outlooks on life, but having a baby is the first thing we do really have in common- we have loads more to talk about & when she visits now there's always plenty to keep us entertained. You might find it the same.

DD is 4 months & we've avoided the girly stuff as much as possible. There are some interesting articles if you google 'pink stinks' it's a whole campaign about the pink nonsense. X

[5madthings]

op i can relate to your fears about a mother/daughter relationship as my relationship with my mum isnt great, its ok now but def has its moments and i wouldnt say we are 'close' if you know what i mean?

anyway i have 4 boys and then no 5 was a girl, i totally assumed after 4 boys that no 5 would be a boy as well so was shocked to discover at the 20wk scan that it was a girl, the poor sonograpther had check a hundred times as we didnt believe her and in the end said to us "i am not allowed to say i am 100% sure, but i AM 100% sure this baby is a girl" despite that i still paid for another scan at 27/28wks to check and wasnt convinced until she was born and i checked for myself.

like you i am not remotely girly or princessy but i have to say after 4 boys i am loving the girls clothes! not pink as i am not a pink fan, but lots of leggins and skirts or dresses, little pinafores etc she still wears her older brothesr hand me downs and lots of bright unisex colours which next and h&m can be good for. she is now 19mths and tbh is the same as her brothesr were at this age, i ahvent noticed a girl to be any different other than at nappy change time!

it will be intersting to see as my dd grows up if she goes for the whole pink think (she probably will just because i dislike it so much) but all my boys have been different, and my ds3 is a big fan of pink/purple fairies and sparkly outfits so we have some of that stuff anyway! all children are diffferent, each one of mine is very different despite having some similarities they all are their own unique little people and your dd will be as well.

its good to acknowledge how you are feeling and talk about it, so you are doing the right thing,i am sure it will be fine, maybe treat yourself to something you like and find some funky unisex clothes, or even some 'girls' clothes that are just not pink, you will soon see all the nice things you can get.

remember your baby doesnt have to be defined by their sex or pigeon holed because of it, they are a person a little unique individual regardless of being a boy or a girl xx

[albertswearengen]

You are not your mother, your daughter is not you. You can show your mother how she should have done it by having a great relationship with your own daughter. Congrats.

At least you won't have a DIL slagging you off on here in 30 years time.

[only4tonight]

Dh, I and our entire family were convinced Dd would be a boy. Finding out she was a she was an odd feeling. But now, of I am honest, if we had another child I will be secretly rooting on another girl.

Girls are great. She likes dinosaurs and cars and spiders, bugs and football. Then the next day its all dress ups, picnics and princesses.

She is the best of both worlds all rolled into one.

[ShowOfHands]

It's quite normal what you're feeling right now and it's a peculiar mix of emotions. Let me reassure you right now that what you're feeling is not negative feelings towards your no doubt amazing and beautiful little girl (oh she is, promise) but a bit of a sense of grief about not having and perhaps never having a boy. This is fine.

What also happens when you're pregnant and you reduce it down to what gender you're having is that you create a relationship with your dc which doesn't exist yet. You model it on what you know. So if you have a poor relationship model with your own mum or sisters or the women around you, you worry that this somehow bodes ill for the future. It doesn't in the slightest. What you develop is a relationship with your child. You know nothing about them apart from the gender so you hang everything on this, negative and positive. And it actually tells you bugger all. Generally, babies are essentially the same and completely different at the same time. So they all need milk and warmth and affection and stability but who they are is dependent solely upon the peculiar mix of genes and traits they possess. And this isn't gender based. So you know your baby has ovaries and a womb and will probably have breasts one day too. Does this tell you anything about who she will be? Nope, not a sausage. And who she will be on day one is a tiny little person. Not a gender, a person. She'll startle when she hears a loud noise, she'll snuffle and grunt and audibly and visibly relax when she feels your hands scooping her up, she'll flex her fingers until she finds your finger to hold, she'll root around smelling milk with a powerful instinct and a million things besides and that's the moment your relationship begins. And you've no idea what it will be. You won't know how much you'll love her and crave her. And it will be for who she is.

It's okay to feel low now. You're not really sad about your daughter, you're anxious about being good enough for your child. It just manifests itself in something you can point at. You will be the most brilliant and complete mum to her because she is part of you. It'll come.

Buy her an outfit. Doesn't have to be frills and pink. Something you like. Hang it up and look at it daily. Know that it's for your little girl and that one day you'll wrangle her uncoordinated limbs into it and this time will be a distant memory.

I have a dd and a ds. They're the same really. My children. DD is a tomboy actually so the pink frills thing never mattered. She's also funny and wise and vulnerable and big and curious and I love her with a ferocity I can't convey. I thought I couldn't parent a daughter because I'm not comfortable with my own role as a daughter to my mother. I was so wrong. Not only can I parent a daughter, I excell at it. I knew how to do it without ever realising.

Congratulations. You're going to be just fine.

[littlemissbroody26]

I have had the opposite feelings, me and my DP were sure our baby was a girl. We had girls names picked out, I had even bought a couple of very cheap from a second hand shop dresses. we had our 20 weeks scan last week and baby is a lovely healthy boy.

It did take a couple of days to get used to the idea, I have a little sister who is 9 so I feel like i understand little girls, also everyone who has had a baby in the last year has had a girl so I just expected I would have the same.

This baby was naturally conceived after 2 years ttc, I don't feel confident that we will get pregnant again naturally, we were about to start IVF but that was going to be funded because we had no children. I'm not sure i could justify spending 1000's of pounds on IVF with a child, so for us this may be our only 1.

For us we had planned to be very gender neutural up till the point where the baby could decide herself i was dredding the inevitable disney princess thing now I feel worried that the baby will be pushed into cars and guns and football and I wont know how to encourage gender neutural play with a boy.

Good things about girls, from my experience with my little sister who is in my opinion the most awsome little girl in the world, but i am happy to admit im a little biased

-she is very caring, very intuative to other people's feelings.
-she is very funny (boys can be funny to)
-she was very early to talk and always has something interesting to say.
-its easier (in my opinion) for girls to wear trousers and go tree climbing than it is for boys to wear dresses and play hairdressers.
-she is very brave, first in the sea even when its freezing cold and november!
-as an adult a daughter is more likely to call you, my mum is lucky to get a call a month from my brother.
-they are less likely to wee in your face when you change their nappy!

congrats on your little girl :)

[DontEatTheVolesKids]

My kids follow gender stereotypes & modern prejudices beautifully, which is to say, the girl is a million miles easier to parent than the boys. Most organised, most considerate, most compliant, most easily placated (mostly), most sporty, most confident, most talented, most brainy, most sociable, most feisty, most fearless, absolutely not superior in every way, but if I had to choose only one to be proud of in future, she'd be the best bet. It's like she inherited two excellent X chromosomes or something. :).

I had poor relations with my mom and badly wanted DC1 to be male (thankfully was a boy). I fully understand not wanting to risk repeating a bad mother-daughter relationship.