AIBU about preparing nursery?

[outthere]

My in-laws are going over to Australia about 3 weeks before my due date. They live in France but are flying out from the UK. They want to stay at ours for one or two nights before they catch their flight.

They asked if they could stay in the spare room. The spare room is going to be baby number three's bedroom (DS1 and 2 already share). At the moment it has a double bed in it. From around September time I want to start putting up nursery furniture and getting organised (I'm due end Nov).

In theory we could JUST ABOUT squeeze the nursery furniture around the double bed but there would be no cot and only a few centimeters access to drawers/ changing table etc, it really would be a very tight squeeze.

We're not planning on baby sleeping in there but I will definitely need the space for baby's clothes and access to the changing table. Like I said, it's POSSIBLE but very awkward and difficult.

Having suffered severe PND after my boys were born I want to do whatever I can to make my life easier because I'm determined not to get ill again.

I offered to make the in-laws as comfortable as possible on a blow up bed in the living room which they have declined. I've just spoken to FIL and he seemed very short with me and DH and generally seems pissed off about the whole thing and I now feel really guilty...

Am I being unreasonable or are they?

[StealthPolarBear]

SOrry, but I think you are. I can see where you're coming from but I think you are being unreasonable.
Confused though - why do you talk about the baby not sleeping in there if this is before your due date?

[otchayaniye]

Congratulations. I'm sorry you had PND and of course I can see how you'd want to make things easy on yourself. Really.

But pregnancy can make the perspective go a bit skew whiff and I think in this case

I speak as someone with no nursery, I will make room for baby gros in a drawer in my bedroom, I'm planning on co-sleeping but you'd likely not have her in a cot in her room straight away (?) and you can keep a change mat under the bed and have a box for nappies in your bedroom?

They really need so little and are just so portable at that age, I'd capitalise on it. Don't see it myself as a major factor in determining PND (but I could be wrong)

Then, when the dust has settled get your husband can get the room sorted.

I understand the urge to 'get it all nice' but it's not really a necessity and being welcoming and hospitable to your family is more important and in the end will make you feel more warm inside, I reckon (?)

That said, they are being rude by making their hurt obvious.

[questforanswers]

JOII how long are they planning to stay?

[questforanswers]

Oops JOOI

[StealthPolarBear]

what is JOOI?

[questforanswers]

just out of interest

[spilttheteaagain]

Just Out Of Interest?

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

Yabu you just need to ensure dh will crack on as soon as they leave.

[Ivortheengine8]

I'm like Otchai here, We don't have a 'nursery' as such. DD has her cot in our second bedroom and next little one will be in my room with her crib the first few months. My mum will be coming down at some point though as will others and they will have to sleep in the spare room with the bed and with the cot in it, although it is a pretty big room. My mum doesnt mind but then DD sleeps well throughout the night.
Guess it depends how much stuff you are intending to get for the nursery really. The only thing I have got for the new baby is a new crib and like above the baby will be sharing drawers already in there with DD.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I have a lovely nursery, painted, new cotbed etc etc. I also have a 3.5yo who has spent precisely 15 minutes in said room. So trust me, a fully operative nursery is not a requirement for a newborn. You've got 6 months after the birth to get it sorted if necessary and baby junk can be stored in an undecorated room AFAIK

[outthere]

Thanks for the advice and perspective!

Think I'm just struggling to find room for our ever growing pile of things that we're accumulating in readiness and was hoping to store it all away so that I don't have to do it after the birth.

My twin boys were 7 weeks early and although this is mainly due to the fact it was a twin pregnancy there were other complications that make me concerned I may have another early baby... hence not being sure whether the baby will be here by then or not (and hence thinking about baby's sleeping arrangements).

WRT the PND I'm concerned that having to organise and prepare a nursery after the baby's born will put added strain on what is going to be a very busy and stressful time - I also have to go back to full time shift working after 3 months...

Sorry, not trying to make excuses, just trying to rationalise my thoughts!

FWIW they're only staying one night as it turns out. Another erason why I thought it might not be too much to ask for them to sleep downstairs or in a hotel room given the (perceived) upheaval for us.

Hope that makes sense, thanks again for your thoughts.

[MsChanandlerBong]

You can decorate it as a nursery but don't put the furniture in there until after the inlaws have gone (you'll still have 3 weeks to do that!) Perhaps if it is flat packed, you can just store everything in there leaning against one wall.

I can understand why your in laws are a bit disappointed to think they will, in effect, be sleeping on the floor downstairs when there is a perfectly good room upstairs and no baby for c3 weeks!

(FWIW we are currently stuck in a one bedroomed house, with baby due in September, so I am becoming a mastermind at finding creative uses to maximise space. So I'm sure with 3 bedrooms you can find a way to do it, even if it does annoy you - at least it is only a couple of nights!)

[Ivortheengine8]

I can see your point outthere,especially having twins at home already and thinking you might be early. Will the baby be sleeping in the spare room straight away?

[WyrdMother]

Outhere I do not think you are being unreasonable considering your circumstances. I had PND after having my one and only DC and I know that if I got pregnant again I would be very concerned that it would come back and absolutely anal about getting everything organised well before the due date especially if I felt I had a higher than usual chance of going into labour early.

Having said that the other posters are right, having the nursery ready is not absolutely necessary, you can work around it but essentially it comes down to you, can you leave the nursery til later and be happy about it? Or, even if you rationally know it wont matter will you fret about it?

As for the in-laws lack of understanding, um, they are getting free accomodation and I'm assuming that if they are jauntering off to Australia then the price of a travellodge or B & B wouldn't break the bank. They can still see you during the day, they could even help you build nursery furniture Can DH gently remind them of your PND and the need to keep everything well organised and calm? If they get seriously humpy they'll only be cutting of their own nose to spite their face.

Good luck whatever you do.

[outthere]

No, the baby will be in with us as long as possible so it's fair to say it will be a "spare" room for a bit longer.

I'm not buying any new nursery furiture but instead I have bought my boys new chests of drawers and the baby will have their old furniture so in effect I will have two rooms to sort out.

I appreciate the advice about storing the flatpacks in the spare room but there really isn't space. At the moment there is a double bed and two bedside tables and that's it. In order to accommodate the in-laws I would have to put the bed up against the wall and pile up all our baby things against the other wall - I'll be surprised if there's even any room to get into bed!

Unfortunatley there's absolutely no room in the boys' bedroom to store clothes/ babygrows as they already share and I have trouble finding sapce for their stuff alone!

I think it doesn't help that, as it's a third baby I already have a massive amount of things for him which is great but not so good for storage.

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.

[outthere]

Thanks WyrdMother, that really makes sense and has given me stuff to think about...

[PinkFondantFancy]

If they're only staying for 1 night, why don't they just stay at a B&B/hotel? I think they're being a bit unreasonable to be honest - if you want to prepare the spare room as a nursery that's up to you, not them.

[Firawla]

personally i think yanbu, you have offered them an alternative place to stay in your house. if they have turned that down then that is their problem really. if you dont have a double bed in that room @ that point, then they will have to make do with something else. its not unreasonable to want to prepare the room in advance

[outthere]

PinkFondantFancy - That's what they're doing now but making it obvious they're not too happy about it.

Just out of interest, what's everyone's thoughts on making a child give up their bedroom for garndparents who are staying over?

It's not relevant to us for the time being but I worry it'll become an issue in the future as MIL keeps telling me that DH and his brother were made to do that frequently when they were little. They would be made to sleep in the dining room whilst their grandparents had their bedroom.

When I was younger we were brought up with the notion that your bedroom was your personal, private space. Our grandparents slept on the sofa bed when they stayed. This was a value that I very much appreciated as a child; my bedroom was my haven and I would have hated having to give it up, even for a night. DH also says he hated having his grandparents to stay for that reason. I feel very strongly that my children should not be made to "give up" their personal space.

My MIL has mentioned it so often in the past that it makes me think she's dropping hints that that is what she expects in the future - that one of the children's beds/bedrooms will always be made available to her.

Am I also being a bit unreasonable on this one?

[WyrdMother]

I think I would give Grandparents the parental bed and have the sofa myself because I absolutely agree, kids need some personal space and privacy.

I'm sure the PIL's would not be nosy but I would also clear my bedside cabinet etc of anything I wanted to keep private.

[outthere]

Hehe, Gawd I can just imagine the look on FIL's face if he found some of the things in my bedside table

[WyrdMother]

's and runs as it's bedtime.

[Anomaly]

I would hate not having my baby's room ready so YANBU. I love wandering in and admiring it and getting out all the little clothes. It's all very well for others to say that they did this or they did that but that is them and this is about you. Three weeks before your due date is no time at all. On the subject of children giving up their room I sometimes had to give up my room for my Aunt and I hated it - even worse she had an odour and it used to linger once she'd gone.

[Ilovekittyelise]

i understand completely where you are coming from, im 31 weeks along and just want that room ready as a little sanctum for the baby. but in the mind of a reasonable non-pregnant and hormonal person, it might be totally different [struggles to remember normal rational feelings and emotions...]

i dont really know what to suggest, to be honest, it doesnt sound like they are being very understanding (considering they have had children and understand the need to feel ready, and that you have already had premature births). i also think that if they are going on holiday to australia its probably likely that they can afford a local B&B or hotel, and it might actually be a nicer start to their holiday in a relaxing hotel than in a hectic house thats trying to prepare for a baby - and they will still get to spend time with your family...best of both worlds?

[PrincessScrumpy]

We had a friend who wanted our spare double bed (bought it from us) when I was about 12w pg so in laws had to sleep on a blow up bed when they visited. We've now got a futon sofa in the nursery for while the twins are in with us then the sofa will move to dd1's bedroom where in-laws can sleep or the can have the mattress from it on the livingroom floor.

If they don't like it then they can pay for a hotel - tbh we came to the decision that our immediate family ie us and the children who live here all the time, have to come first. The babies won't sleep in there to start with but babies have lots of things so we will keep all their clothes etc in there and a double bed would have been a pain.

Your house your rules. x