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As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

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As with all health-related issues, please seek advice from a RL health professional if you're worried about anything.

Postnatal health

My mum died and my babies only 8 months

26 replies

Morag12 · 28/09/2019 20:52

I hate writing this as I have to admit I don’t think I’m coping too well. My mum died 2 weeks ago and today I shouted twice at my precious 8 month old whose been very whingey all day. I hate shouting at her and regret it terribly but I feel so stressed and lost and angry after this death of my mum it just came out. I’m otherwise coping and back to work and up and out of bed every day and getting on with things but inside I feel awful. I feel like a terrible mother now as well for shouting twice at my little one. Just feel awful and like I don’t deserve to be a mum myself.

OP posts:

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TalentedMsRipley · 28/09/2019 20:54

Oh god, you poor thing. Do you have any family around?

TildaTurnip · 28/09/2019 20:57

It’s so very hard. My mum died recently too when my baby was 4 months and I’m so sad they didn’t get longer together. Find someone you can rant and talk too. Could you see a counsellor? I’ve thought about it.

Morag12 · 28/09/2019 20:58

My dad died when I was small and my aunt and uncle love a couple of hours away and my in-laws in another country so no boy really. What’s worse is my mum lives with me as I cared for her in the lass 2 years whilst she was ill so now my house feels empty and I can’t get away from it. Just feeling like an awful mother myself wish my baby didn’t have to see me like this. I’m trying to put on a brave face every day but today it slipped and I feel horrendous about it

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Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 21:00

It's very early days, Morag. It takes time to come to terms with such a loss. You will, though, eventually.

Bless you.

Morag12 · 28/09/2019 21:01

I’m so sorry to hear your mum passed too. I’m thinking about counseling and also wondered whether this is postnatal depression too? I’m too scared to tell gp in case they think I won’t be a fit mother which I know is crazy but I just feel so anxious about losing my little one as well as my mum- which is ludicrous I know but just so emotional

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fluffyjumper · 28/09/2019 21:06

I'm so sorry. I lost my mum almost 3 years ago. I cant imagine having such a young baby and going through this. My gp really helped me through, I took some anti depressants to get me through the initial stage. They allowed me to process my thoughts at a pace I could manage and the ability to get a few hours sleep a night.

Do you go to any baby clubs? Have you spoken to your health visitor. They may have suggestions on what could help.

Time doesnt heal but it does give you the experience to cope and manage your grief. Grief is love with nowhere to go.

PlasticPatty · 28/09/2019 21:06

Definitely counselling - bereavement counselling, and more. Tell your gp, they won't think you're unfit. When my mum died, I was in my fifties, and I was absolutely numb for weeks. I wouldn't have coped well with a baby.

Keep updating this thread. Some MNers are hardened keyboard warriors who come out to fight, but most of us are pretty normal people who want to support each other. People will be here for you. I trust them for that.

I'm a praying person, so I'll say a prayer for you now, and for your dd and for the peaceful repose of your mum. I hope you don't mind. It can't do any harm.

Morag12 · 28/09/2019 21:10

Thank you so much for replying- and your prayers are kind thank you I’m grateful.

Your replies are truly helpful and I’m so sorry for everyone else whose lost their mums too it’s the worst thing. My husband is a great support but it becomes too much for one person to hold and you’re right I need to see and trust my gp. I have an amazing hv too so I’ll book this week. I think I thought I was coping way better than I actually am and it came to a head today.

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ParkheadParadise · 28/09/2019 21:14

Sorry for your loss 01Morag12
My dd1 died when I was pregnant with Dd2. When she was born, I was just getting through each day one at a time. Strangers would have probably thought I was like any other new mum. Inside I was a complete mess, I was lucky because DH took a year off when she was born. Looking back the first couple of months of dd's life are a complete blank.
I lost my mum 2yrs later I did cope better as I'd had bereavement counselling by then.

It's still very early days for you. Grief is a horrible emotion to deal with.
It will get easier.

Morag12 · 28/09/2019 21:24

ParkheadParadise That all sounds so difficult and you must have been so strong to cope. Thanks for the words of support. I do need to remember it’s only weeks ago. It’s just that after the funeral everyone sort of expects you to move on and everyone else starts moving on and so I feel rushed back into a ‘normal’ life

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Teacakeandalatte · 28/09/2019 21:32

I agree with seeing your GP too, do you think getting some time off work could help? It sounds a bit much to cope with after only a couple of weeks off and with a young baby.

ParkheadParadise · 28/09/2019 21:33

01Morag12
That's very true, after the funeral everyone does move on except you.
Losing your mum at any age is the worst feeling ever.
My mum had dementia, she didn't know any of her children anymore, but when she died I was heartbroken although we lost her years before she died.
For you it's only 2weeks your probably still in shock.
Take Care

Griefishorrible · 28/09/2019 21:38

Hi OP, unfortunately I know how you are feeling, my Mum died when my little one was 5 weeks old. I spent along time trying to work out if what I was feeling was PND or grief - both as it turns out.

Go see your GP, they will help and do get in touch with Cruise (for grief counselling). Be kind to yourself, everyone grieves differently and it is a selfish emotion, but that’s ok. If possible try and do something just for you and give yourself time. As a previous poster says time doesn’t heal but it does give you a chance to learn your new normal.

Jessicabrassica · 28/09/2019 21:41

You're in a very difficult situation. It is hard. I've been there. I largely ignored it and carried on. This wasn't my best ever move. 7 stressful years later I finally went for counselling. I'm still a mess. I'm still angry but I do think I'd be in a better place now if I'd got myself sorted out much, much earlier.
Be gentle with yourself and make sure you have appropriate support. Xx

Morag12 · 28/09/2019 21:46

Thanks so much and yes I think grief counseling is a must now. Trying to move forward feels fake without doing something to acknowledge and help deal with the pain. And also the other weird emotions that seem to just be there all of a sudden - like tremendous anxiety and anger. Thanks again for posting and for such amazing support it really makes a difference xxx

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LollyBeebee123 · 28/09/2019 21:48

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum.💕 You don’t need anyone to tell you that shouting at baby wont help. It’s not her fault. But, she’ll not remember as long as it doesn’t happen again. You obviously loved your mum dearly and continue to love and miss her, work hard to replicate what she gave you, as she obviously did a good job. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, as having your mum to turn to when you have a new baby is something that’s just expected. Perhaps you should look into getting some grief counselling, confide in someone who loves you about your loss and get some help to carve out a a few hours for yourself each week to relax/exercise/sleep. Be kind to yourself, eat well and try getting to bed a little earlier. Maybe even see doc if you feel you need a little extra support. I’ve not lost my mum but I’ve lost my sister and grandmother, I know this is not the same but I learned about grief from these experiences and know that it gradually eases and you learn to live with it. As your little one grows older tell her all the wonderful stories about you and your mum and keep pictures near by to help you and let little one become familiar with her face. Good luck lovely!💕🍀

MrsTumbletap · 28/09/2019 22:09

The same happened to me OP, I felt exactly the same. I was upset, grieving and struggling. I went back to work at 9 months and it helped.

You will feel stronger each month, stronger each year and your baby will grow and it will be easier. It will.

Yoohoo16 · 28/09/2019 22:13

Really sorry you’re going through this.

FreiasBathtub · 28/09/2019 22:54

I'm so sorry for your loss Morag. I don't have experience of losing my mum but I did have quite bad PND with my first and was scared that the doctor would see me as an unfit mother and take my baby. Nothing could have been further from the truth, so please please don't let that worry stop you from getting the help you need and deserve. The HV and GP will just want to help you through what is a very overwhelming experience. Thinking of you.

PlasticPatty · 29/09/2019 17:04

How are you doing, Morag1? Still in my thoughts.

Morag12 · 29/09/2019 21:08

Thank you that’s kind. Feeling crap as husband insensitively called me on my behaviour yesterday. Feels like he’s expecting me to be perfect. So cross and upset that he’s set the bar so high for me.feeling like a worse mum than ever now 😢😢😢

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AltheaVestr1t · 29/09/2019 21:11

This happened to me too. Be very gentle with yourself, you are going through so much. It’s ok for you to not be ok. It will take time, but it does get easier.

PlasticPatty · 30/09/2019 08:43

Be kind to yourself. You can't be expected to do any more than just plod on with the essentials.

Your husband's a cock. No need to worry about that now, but don't give his opinions any headspace.

Cantchooseaname · 30/09/2019 08:49

Such a tough time, you have so much to process.
Re: husband’s comments- if he can see you are finding it so hard, what is he doing positively to help you cope? It’s fine to recognise your partner is struggling, but deal with it kindly- take some time off to help out, support you to go to gp. Being mean is never helpful.

JacobandTomsmum1981 · 11/10/2019 19:54

Hi Morag
Just wondering how you have been getting on?
I lost my mum just under 2 months before my baby was due, he was born 24th September. It's heartbreaking knowing that she never got to meet him and that he will grow up without her.
I too am struggling to come to terms with losing my mum but am lucky my partner is supportive and understanding.
I hope your husband is being more sensitive and supportive towards you. You are going through enough already and need support and help not criticism x

Flip

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