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Other peoples children - I'm so cross with my friend

(56 Posts)
sandyballs Mon 11-Jul-05 10:42:29

Am I over-reacting or would this pi** you off?
A friend popped in for coffee with her two DDs (2 and 4). They played with my two upstairs (4) while we chatted. Her elder daughter suddenly appears with a felt tip pen and announced to me that she (and my DDs) had drawn all over DDs bedroom wall. I said quite sternly to her "I do hope you are joking" and she promptly burst into tears and ran to her mother.

I went upstairs and found multi-coloured felt pen scribble all over one wall. I shouted at my DDs, took away the chocolate they were eating and told them to sit on the naughty step. Meanwhile my friend's DD is still having a cuddle with mummy because I spoke sternly to her. This kid hadn't even been told off, her mum didn't apologise to me, the kid still had her chocolate. I was fuming. She then had the audacity to say to me "tell xxx you aren't cross with her anymore because she is very upset". WTF!??? NOT CROSS. I'M BLOODY LIVID WITH YOUR LITTLE BRAT. WHY DO MINE GET SUCH A TELLING OFF AND YOURS GET A CUDDLE.

Sorry, I'm calming down now . Still stunned at her attitude though. I'd be mortified if my DDs did that at someone's house.

Twiglett Mon 11-Jul-05 10:43:59

I would be furious at her .. I don't blame you

(there is this wonder block thing at Lakeland I got as a free gift that you dampen down and it takes ink / pen off walls really well if that helps)

handlemecarefully Mon 11-Jul-05 10:44:10

Quite!

Must say my 2.11 year old knows not to draw on walls, because she has had the incantation "ONLY ON PAPER" repeated to her from the moment she could hold a crayon / felt tip.

Your friend should have been much more stern!

WideWebWitch Mon 11-Jul-05 10:45:40

If it had been my ds who was the visitor he'd have had a bollocking from me and his chocolate taken away if that was the punishment meted out to your two. I'd be annoyed too. It is hard isn't it? Luckily I seem to have mainly had friends with the same methods as me.

hunkermunker Mon 11-Jul-05 10:45:51

I'd be very tempted to go and draw all over her DD's bedroom wall Why are people so bloody dopey with their children?!

clary Mon 11-Jul-05 10:46:04

oh yes sandyballs I would be very angry too.
I would also be mortified if I was the mum whose child had done that at someone else’s house. If any of mine eg wee on someone’s carpet or whatever I am in there cleaning it up.
Children certainly need to be told off if they have done something naughty, and in my house, it is my rules that apply. I have no ompunction in telling off another person’s child while they are at my place (tho thankfully it hasn’t happened very often).

sandyballs Mon 11-Jul-05 10:55:02

I seriously thinking of distancing myself from this friend because of her elder daughter. She is really turning into a spoilt little madam because she is allowed to do what she likes.
There have been several occasions where I have had to tell her off and her mum hasn't backed me up. I always wait for her to say something and when she doesn't I feel I have to, in my own home! She leaps all over the furniture, for example, pulling all the cushions off and bouncing up and down. I don't let my two do this so I can't allow her to - these are big 4 year olds, not little tots. When I ask her to stop doing something she just stares at me and says "NO". Her mum is very into the softly softly parenting approach, no raised voices, no smacking, just a calm reasonable discussion and it just isn't working - she's a brat.

Twiglett Mon 11-Jul-05 10:55:24

if my DS had done that (he's 4 and would never dream of it TBH) ... I would have really been angry and stern and made him apologise, help clean it off, sit him on the stairs, take away his chocolate, no more tv, no food .. just bread and water .. well you get the point

WideWebWitch Mon 11-Jul-05 10:57:07

I'd be backing off in your position too sandyballs OR I'd be meeting somewhere neutral and still enforcing my rules while saying things to mine like 'well, if they're allowed 10 ice creams in a row that's up to their mummy, our rules are our rules and everyone's different aren't they?' - I think they can grasp that. But in your house = your rules I think.

sandyballs Mon 11-Jul-05 10:57:37

Exactly Twiglett. I think I was a bit soft on my two to be honest, they got off lightly under the circumstances. At 4 they know that you don't draw on things, they're not babies. I was very surprised at my two doing that and I'm sure they wouldn't have if this child hadn't been there.
Not that they're angels, far from it, but they've never drawn on walls before.

Twiglett Mon 11-Jul-05 10:58:49

would not invite anyone round who did not believe the 'your house, your rules' concept .. but more importantly this person as a friend sounds like a nightmare with a completely different parenting style (ie I'm not a parent I'm a soft sponge) and I wouldn't see her at all

WideWebWitch Mon 11-Jul-05 10:59:06

I wouldn't necessarily blame the other two though, who knows what happened? They all egg each other on don't they sometimes. Hey, yours found out the consequences, hers didn't and she'll have to deal with the consequences of that for HER - i.e. spoilt madams she can't control - later. Monsters of her own making, bwah ha ha ha.

sandyballs Mon 11-Jul-05 11:00:23

I was thinking that WW - meeting elsewhere instead of inviting them to our house. I wouldn't like to lose touch with my friend completely but I do think her daughter is a bad influence on mine. When they had gone home by two DDs were asking me why she hadn't been told off and why she still had her chocolate.

Scatterbrain Mon 11-Jul-05 11:02:16

Hi Sandyballs, I do sympathise !!

Last year I distanced myself from a friend for exactly this reason - she let her two run riot in my house and they broke countless toys, made enormous fuss and mess at mealtimes and were generally horrendous every time they came round - and like your friend she just said nothing ! The final straw for me was her DD yanking my DD's roman blind off the wall deliberately - it cost us £45 to replace the broken track and the child wasn't even told off !

They weren't bad children as such - and my DD misses their company, but I hated them being in my house tbh.

I still have huge guilt pangs about distancing myself and I worry about bumping into my ex-friend in town - but at the end of the day I couldn't keep on having my place wrecked !

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do - remember that your standards are right - not hers !

sandyballs Mon 11-Jul-05 11:06:42

It's awful Scatterbrain that it has to come to that isn't it. But I think that's the route I shall have to take - I dread them coming to my house. The mum has mentioned a couple of times about having my DDs to sleep at her house and I keep changing the subject, knowing that I would have to return the favour. I can't think of anything worse .

Twiglett Mon 11-Jul-05 11:10:03

I think you should tell her why you don't want her child in your house .. because your DD's could not understand why she wasn't told off and was allowed chocolate after doing something so naughty and you really want her to understand that even though you love them and think her children are fabulous you thought it was incredibly unfair and you were surprised she didn't back you up on this occasion

ok it might destroy your friendship but the woman is parenting dreadfully here (snap judgement made of one occasion I accept)

Listmaker Mon 11-Jul-05 11:11:01

You have my sympathy too sandyballs - I've had friends like this. Luckily mine are a bit older now and we don't have people round to play all the time like we used to (I've escaped to work now they are at school!!). But I would advise you to meet somewhere else - that's what I did with friends whose idea of discipline did not match mine or whose kids were just too rowdy for me!

Now it's nice meet for a picnic in a park or go to soft play places. After about 5 years of spending hours tidying up after play-dates I said no more and we always meet somewhere else if there are more than 2 other kids involved and if there are boys (I have two dds)

handlemecarefully Mon 11-Jul-05 11:11:45

Possibly she should Twiglett but it will take enormous tact.

Even gentle suggestions which imply criticism of parenting style usually make the red mist descend for most people...

hunkermunker Mon 11-Jul-05 11:11:53

Twiglett, if we can't make snap judgements of one off scenarios, we'd never slag anyone off. Where would the fun be in that?!

Scatterbrain Mon 11-Jul-05 11:12:01

This sounds so familiar - my ex-friend was getting really clingy at the end - calling me all the time and trying to arrange things - and funnily enough she kept offering to have DD for a sleepover - so we could go out ! Which on the face of it was nice - but reciprocating the favour would have killed me !

People are strange - I just came to the conclusion that I must watch people's parenting styles more carefully before getting sucked into friendships ! Now I sound hard and cynical - but I am a bit jaded by the experience TBH !

It took a good 6 weeks for my ex-friend to stop calling me - so prepare for the long haul ! I just kept making excuses - busy with work, DD a bit poorly, migraine, busy with work, etc....

I sound like a cow - but it was very hard for me.

HappyMumof2 Mon 11-Jul-05 11:12:22

Message withdrawn

Twiglett Mon 11-Jul-05 11:13:49

I know what you mean HMC .. but 'friend' was hardly tactful in her dealing of the situation which had a knock-on effect on sandyball's DDs .. is the difference that it is pre-meditated criticism??

<Twig readily admits she believes strongly in 'community parenting'>

HappyMumof2 Mon 11-Jul-05 11:13:59

Message withdrawn

sandyballs Mon 11-Jul-05 11:15:11

Twiglett - I do feel a bit cross with myself for not saying more to the mum. It was an ideal situation for me to say something and I really should have seized that opportunity to have a good talk with her. Not to criticise her parenting, even though I think it's shite , but to let her know that when they are in my home, they need to respect my rules.

HappyMumof2 Mon 11-Jul-05 11:15:27

Message withdrawn

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