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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Sign in here if you overreact to your child's friendship problems

37 replies

linglette · 01/10/2009 09:00

Ds1 (6.6) is doing great. Just fab. Trouble is, he's on the edge of the "cool" group in Year 2 right now and is only in it because his best friend (a bit cooler than him but a very nice child - they are well-suited) is in it. Another lad doesn't like him and wants the bf for self.

They've just reached the point where they have to start pretending not to like things that are not "cool" enough to stay in the group.

It's no big deal and it's probably good for him to start working these issues out at this point in his life. But I'm embarrassed to say I was up in the night thinking about it!

needless to say it's all about my own childhood! which was an awful lot less successful socially than DS1's has been so far . And I suppose it's also a bit about the fact that he's nearly seven now and this is the point where my ability to make things better for him starts to fade.......

Thank goodness he has a terrific relationship with his little brother, and that's for life I hope.

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troutpout · 01/10/2009 09:05

Stop it right now Linglette.
That way madness lies

linglette · 01/10/2009 09:08

I know!!!!

I think I'm going to need some kindly mumsnetter to say that to me sternly every day until he leaves home!!

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MmeLindt · 01/10/2009 09:11

Be thankful you don't have a 7yo DD. I am exhausted with the "A is not my friend any more, M is my friend, and I have told C that if she is friends with A then she is not my friend, L is friends with A amd C but she does not want to be my friend..."

I have come to the conclusion that I should just nod and look sympathetic and stay well out of it.

linglette · 01/10/2009 09:15

Seriously MmeLindt this issue is the main reason I'm relieved not to have daughter. Am not joking - it would all just come flooding back too vividly!

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Poshpaws · 01/10/2009 09:21

It's tough, isn't it linglette?

Ds1 (8) has known other boys to have similar problems as your DS1. What has happened gradually is that the other boys began to realise that the behaviour of the king-pin was so and started to pull away from him..So much so, that by Yr3, the king-pin was not invited to their parties, despite that fact that in Yr2, the other boys were desperate to have him at theirs. Not nice for king-pin, but I suppose there is a life lesson to be learned there. My friend's DS was one of the boys that began to move away from king-pin, and she agonised over it for months, but there was nothing she could do. Just ride the storm .

How is DS2 btw? Mine seems to have settled well at school, although it is early days

Poshpaws · 01/10/2009 09:22

Obviously, I meant that the behaviour was 'not so nice'.

seeker · 01/10/2009 09:30

Try having a 13 year old dd!!!!!

linglette · 01/10/2009 09:42

Poshpaws I do hope that the "cool" influence isn't overwhelming though I suspect it might be. Cool boy is of course nice too - handsome and sporty but a bit insecure, and has the kind of dad who thinks that what car you drive and what watch you wear says a lot about you (sorry that was bitchy) so you can see the temptation for him to use his charms to be a king-pin.
Glad your DS is settling. DS2 is blossoming - 2nd year of nursery so we are lucky. Has even started talking to the other children! Whoo hoo! Nice to have DS1 on my mind not DS2 for a change.

Seeker - Oh I just couldn't. I couldn't stand going through it again by proxy. How do you bear it? Do you have to distance yourself after a while?

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seeker · 01/10/2009 09:45

I just listen, hand tissues, make hot chocolate, offer calm, sensible advice...........then make voodoo dolls of the little harridans and stick pins in them after she's gone to bed!

MmeLindt · 01/10/2009 09:50

Good idea, Seeker.

seeker · 01/10/2009 10:02

When my dd was about 6 she was having real trouble with another girl in her class. Completely coincidentally my mother gave dd a little doll that was freakishly like this other girl.

After particularly difficult days we used to drown it in the bath [shame]! Dd still remembers how much better it used to make her feel.

SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 10:07

Seeker - that made me laugh, I may try that with my DS - he's having major problems with another DS who's always telling him my DS friends aren't his friends any more and threatened to kill him this morning.

linglette · 01/10/2009 10:11

Oh dear made the mistake of reading seeker's post with a mouth full of coffee.

still, keyboards are coming down in price aren't they?

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MintyCane · 01/10/2009 10:18

Seeker Oh so glad i am not alone. I am tired today and have three girls.

Polgara2 · 01/10/2009 10:20

Ooh Seeker - what a fab idea I have a 12 year old dd so I know exactly where you are coming from!

BiancaJackson · 01/10/2009 10:23

DS is in reception and I'm already obssessing! His 'best friend' is a shy little boy and DS is boisterous and has poss SN. He is constantly getting into trouble for bossing the other litle boy around and playing too roughly. School know it's a dysfunctional fit and are trying to subtly 'widen his friendship circle'...I just WISH he would befriend one of the other big, bright , boisterous kids and not attach himself limpet-like to a quiet child.

Argh!

BitOfFun · 01/10/2009 10:24

Love the voodoo tactic, but I know it's wrong...

hullygully · 01/10/2009 10:26

It's HELL. HELL and torment.

seeker · 01/10/2009 10:30

Have to say that the 'drowned doll" girl is now, 7 years later, one of dd's best friends! The doll sits up on a high shelf - and is a
sort of talisman for dd to remind her that friendships and people change - for better and worse.

linglette · 01/10/2009 10:32

It's dawning on my that it could even be WORSE than my own childhood as then there was at least theoretically (hollow laugh) a possibility of changing things through my actions.

Bianca - yes, sounds like he needs to rub up against someone who's more of an equal match - it's good that school are aware though.

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hullygully · 01/10/2009 10:36

But also this is where the whole concept of schools is abnormal. If you put 30 or so kids all of the same age in one room/playground you are going to get all the psychodramas etc that goes with it. They should mix em all up...(goes off to lala magic land where all is flowers and love).

TsarChasm · 01/10/2009 10:37

Lol at Seeker's doll

I try not to over react to dc - sometimes you do have to try really terribly hard though, don't you?

There have been one or two friends (who weren't really when it came down to it) where I have failed miserably to stay cool and collected.

One was dd's friend who was insanely jealous if dd so much as spoke to anyone else. Ever. She'd turn on the waterworks/have tantrums day after day to manipulate dd. It was horrible. But she moved away much to our relief..

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SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 11:11

What advice do you give your child? My DS is in a group of 4. One of the 4 is horrible to my DS saying the others aren't his friend (when they are) etc etc. I tell my DS to go and play with other children and ignore him. What else can I do? The nasty one punched my DS today. I could quite happily punch him back.

linglette · 01/10/2009 11:22

Singlemum,

In "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" they recommend listening, empathising, reminding your child of times when he received praise and friendship, and reminding him how likeable he is, but never giving advice.

If you simply can't resist advice, they recommend that the two of you make a joint list of possible ways of dealing with it. Everything, including punching back! is acceptable for the list - but obviously don't agree on that as a strategy!

It's a great book - keeps the doors of communication open.

Oh btw never let your child see that you want to punch the other child. My mother always prided herself on being "like a tiger" for her kids - she just succeeded in making us (a) unpopular and (b) secretive.

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SingleMum01 · 01/10/2009 11:29

Thanks Linglette I'll look up the book. I don't let my DS see I want to punch the other child! I don't normally agree with hitting but .....! What does btw, yabu and IME mean?

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