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More children but DH says a definite NO!

(37 Posts)
fufflebum Wed 12-Aug-09 07:08:30

I know that this has been covered many times before as I have watched the threads but I am becoming obssessed about having a third child.

I already have one DD and one DS (aged 4 and 18 months) However I do not feel that my child bearing is complete.

I never felt like this after the birth of DC1 and actually considered not having any more children. We tried for DC two and this time around I have really enjoyed looking after a baby and watching them change and grow. My DD is also absolutely gorgeous too and I have enjoyed her development as well. I was suprised at how much easier it was this time round, I wonder in hindsight if I had PND after the birth of my DD.

I feel sad that this is it. As I am 37 there are not many years to debate it. But when I talk to DH he says NO, he most definitely does not want any more children. He says he already feels tired all the time and does not think we cope with the two we have! This is his perception not reality.

I am a SAHM and DD starts school in Sept so things will be less hectic at home.

I feel that DH and I are at deadlock over this as he says no and there is no room for negotiation. I am being driven barmy by babies and pregnancies everywhere too........

Any helpful advice would be grateful. I just don't want to look back on my life in my 40s and regret this decision.

LittleMissTuffet Wed 12-Aug-09 09:54:26

"He says he already feels tired all the time and does not think we cope with the two we have! This is his perception not reality".

How do you know his feelings are not reality and yours are. Presumably your DH is the wage-earner and that puts a stress on him that you, as a SAHM, are spared. Perhaps he wants to enjoy the two DCs you have rather than introducing a third (or 4th!) into the family.

Have some consideration for your husband's feelings and enjoy the children you have, you lucky woman.


Gateau Wed 12-Aug-09 10:00:59

Your last line is a bit harsh and uncalled for, littlemisstuffet and doesn't help the OP.
She is not for one minute saying she's not enjoying the children she has, quite the opposite, but she's clearly in a dilemma. It must be horrible to crave more children and know you may never have them!

Gateau Wed 12-Aug-09 10:11:57

"But when I talk to DH he says NO, he most definitely does not want any more children."

OP, has your DH explained WHY exactly he doesn't want more children?

It might be good to discuss his reasons in depth; maybe there's something that could be changed to make him feel more comfortable with the idea, eg if he's worried about money, the possibility of you going back to work in the near future, I don't know..

AMumInScotland Wed 12-Aug-09 10:26:50

If your DH is tired all the time and feels he's not coping, then I think you have to see what can be done to sort those things out first, whether or not that leads to him changing his mind about a third.
It sounds like you've had a lovely time with DC2, but maybe he's not been having such a great time? You both need to deal with why he's struggling, and work from there.

LittleMissTuffet Wed 12-Aug-09 10:33:48

You're just saying that because of your pregnancy hormones, Gateau. Not harsh at all and I ended with a smile

rubyslippers Wed 12-Aug-09 10:34:46

i think this is an issue you can't compromise on

i think you are being too qcuik to dismiss his very valid feelings about tiredness and coping - if this is how he feels, this is how he feels IYSWIM

i find parenthood knackering with a permanent underlying tiredness (i am a WOHM, and have a toddler, PG with no 2)

you need to talk to him about his feelings re not wanting another and listen

notsoteenagemum Wed 12-Aug-09 10:36:32

I am in the same boat, my dc are 9 and almost 5 and I have had 3 years of it already. I hoped as my dc got older it would get easier but I'm worried I'll feel this way forever.
I think I am going to try relationship counseling as I am beginning to resent dh over it at am worried I am going to spoil what I already have.

SingingBear Wed 12-Aug-09 10:39:52

Message withdrawn

Tortington Wed 12-Aug-09 10:47:39

if he doesn't want any - its tough shit

Gateau Wed 12-Aug-09 10:47:44

"You're just saying that because of your pregnancy hormones, Gateau."

Oh right, I forgot you know me so well, littlemisstuffet. hmm
How ridiculous you sound.

LittleMissTuffet Wed 12-Aug-09 10:52:55

I sound ridiculous? hmm

<<waits for Gateau & Singing Bear to take a pop at custardo for her "harsh" post.

OrmIrian Wed 12-Aug-09 10:53:01

I found no 2 much easier and very enjoyable too OP. No 3 was quite another matter and if I am honest I would have preferred to have stuck at 2 (inspite of the fact that DS#2 is in many ways a delight and I love him to bits). DS#2 was a 'surprise' and he has made a massive difference to all our lives. Before we had him life was easy in comparison. Since he was born I have felt we are hanging on by or fingertips - financally, logistically and emotionally. So please bear in mind that your DH may be right sad

OrmIrian Wed 12-Aug-09 10:53:32

BTW I was 38 when DS#2 was born so similar age to you.

Gateau Wed 12-Aug-09 10:58:16

We really need a 'yawn' symbol on MN.

Now, moving on to worthwhile posts, food for thought, OrmIrian. Have often mused about no 3 (premature, I know,before no2 comes along!) but now you've made me think.

OrmIrian Wed 12-Aug-09 11:05:49

It might just be us, it might be our age (both of use are now in our 40s), it might be DS who is bloody hard work and definitely high maintenance, it might be that we both work full-time. So I know it isn't the case for everyone.

LittleMissTuffet Wed 12-Aug-09 12:56:59

<<still waiting, Gateau, for you to snap at custy>>

SingingBear Wed 12-Aug-09 14:19:40

Message withdrawn

Gateau Wed 12-Aug-09 14:30:11

There is NO history between us, SingingBear, thank goodness.
I thought moreorless the same as you about her first comment; not quite sure why she won't leave it alone.

carmenelectra Wed 12-Aug-09 14:48:40

I really sympathise with. After i had ds1 i knew i wanted a second but I thought that would be it. However, after having ds 2 who is a little gem, i too, knew I wasnt finished. I was 37 also so knew i couldnt leave it a few yrs.i didnt want to look back in ten yrs and regret, but I knew i wouldnt regret actually ahving another.

I am now pregnant with my third. My dp probably wasnt massively keen on a third but wasnt against it either. He was happy to agree(although think maybe he would have been more than happy to stick at 2).

I am in a slightly different situation though, as i also work and I earn the same as him really, sometimes more with extra shifts. i havent cut my hrs and will be doing the same hrs when ive had this baby. We are both tired but i would be right in saying that i am more tired!! I do virtually all of the cooking cleaning etc and a fair chunk of the childcare although dp has had a bit of a lifestyle change in the sense that he cant always do what he likes(not that he wants to do a lot really) as he looks after them while i do shifts. I think we have a pretty good balance though as i look after them when he is at work too.

If your dh is the main earner then perhaps he has a point in saying he is tired. And he has the responsilblity financially.

However, I do think that you need to have a good chat as i doubt the feelings will go away and you will become more obsessed.

LittleMissTuffet Wed 12-Aug-09 16:42:54

Telling someone she is a "lucky woman" is harsh??

sarah293 Wed 12-Aug-09 16:47:18

Message withdrawn

Ellle Thu 13-Aug-09 13:02:15

No, LittleMissTuffet. I didn't think the words "you lucky woman" made your comment sound harsh.
I can see what you mean, if someone wants to have 3 children, but already has 2 and a DH, I would say that is lucky when I think of other women who would like to have a child but don't even have a partner to negotiate it with.

OP, I hope you can get to an agreement with your DH, you got good advice on here.
But if DH is adamant he does not want to have more children you cannot force someone to do something they don't want.
Of course, he cannot force you not to have another child, but then would you consider having the child elsewhere? Is the child you don't have more important than the family life you already have with DH? That would be what you need to consider.

I have a friend whose husband did not want to have any children, but because she wanted to have them he conceded and they had one. Then he said that was it, no more. He said to her if she wanted more children she was free to do it, but he will have to leave. He even made sure he cannot have any more children himself. Now, there is someone who will not change his mind.

RumourOfAHurricane Thu 13-Aug-09 13:12:27

Message withdrawn

beautifulgirls Thu 13-Aug-09 20:06:58

It took me a year to get DH to agree to us having a 3rd child. I wanted one, he didn't. He was worried about having enough time and love for them all, about money to a point though not out of our budget, about having a life back after our 2x DDs had started to grow up a lot more and we can get out and start to do things a bit more etc. For every reason he had to not have another I had a reason why I really did want another. We got stressed between us, and it was not a lot of fun. In the end we called a truce for a while - I agreed not to talk about it with him at all for I think about 4 months so long as he agreed that after that time we could sit down and actually try and talk about it all again properly between us having had space to think it through without direct pressure from each other. Meanwhile I tried to get used to the idea of not having another and he tried to get used to the idea that we would. For us the end result was that he agreed to have another child because he could see it was eating away at me too much and making us both unhappy - I didn't choose to be like that to force his hand, I just felt incredibly upset with the thought of not having another one. He on the other hand decided he could get used to the idea in time. We decided to wait a couple more months before doing anything about it, just to make sure we had thought it all through given the difference of opinion. We are expecting #3 in November this year. I cant say he was excited when I got the BFP and it took him a while to want to talk about the new baby, but I can say he is now very excited about it and it all feels a lot more comfortable for me to know he has adjusted. For a while at the start I felt pretty awkward about it all with him not being thrilled in the way I was.

So - what to do - talk about it, don't push too hard it creates stress that will make you feel down and bad. Try and come to some sort of agreement even if it is just to talk again in a set period of time and have time to cool off and actually be a proper couple again. Unless one of you changes your mind it is going to be the wrong answer for one of you, whichever way it goes. Try and see his point of view too - pushing achieves nothing, rational discussion will potentially help whichever of you does not get their choice in this in the long term.
Do I feel bad ....yes sometimes I still do but now he is happy about things I feel a lot more confident this was the right answer for us - it may not be everyones answer.

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