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Thinking about a third child - do you go with your head or your heart?

(30 Posts)
fucksticks Tue 19-May-09 13:48:35

I always wanted a big family. Have always imagined 3 or 4 children.
DH was never very keen and when we talked before getting married he said he's always imagined having no kids or maybe 1.
I could not ever contemplate having an only child (cant explain why, its just so the opposite of my experience I cant imagine it) and he came round and agreed he'd be happy with 1 or 2.

We now have 2 children. I am aware he's done most of the compromising so far and have therefore put no pressure on him for another child. Have barely mentioned it.
Youngest child is 1.5 years and DH has mentioned that he thinks it would be a good idea to get a vasectomy.
I'm putting him off as it seems so final.
I think I need to decide whether to let my thoughts of a third child go and put it out of my mind completely to move on, or whether its something I cant let go and try to work something out with DH.

Reasons for a 3rd - I've always imagined I would have 3 or more, 2 feels like a 'small family' to me still
I am one of four and LOVE the times we all get together now we are adults. We meet every couple of months all of us and always fill a table for 20 in a restaurant with all the partners and kids there. When I see my Mum at the head of the table with all her family round her I want that for when I'm older!
I like being pregnant, cant imagine never doing it again. Love the newborn stage and want to bf again.
I have names already thought up!
I'd like the chance to have a girl, although obviously I cant choose! and would be happy to have anothe boy

Reasons NOT to have a 3rd - DH doesnt want more - MASSIVE reason!!
DS1 is VERY hard work. He's being assessed for Aspergers/ADHD and I can just manage him and the baby now. I do worry that he will get even harder work as he gets older rather than easier and that I will struggle to manage more than 2. For example he is in buggy at the moment as he is a runner and cant see him managing to walk nicely for a good while yet
DS2 is just starting to sleep all night and I'm enjoying the peaceful nights!
I'm starting to think about re-training/going back to work now and also feeling like I've got a bit more of a social life back with going out with friends etc. If I had another one i would put all that back another couple of years.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for really, I'm just thinking about this a lot and cant seem to get things straight in my head.
I need to have a proper talk with DH soon and need to work out whether to start things off with a 'yes, lets stop now, you go and book the snip' or whether to start things off with a 'I really want another child, how are we going to work through this?'
I guess the crux of it is that I cant decide whether I want another child enough to cause problems with DH over it.

peppapighastakenovermylife Tue 19-May-09 14:54:23

Ditto ditto ditto! That could have been my post apart from the fact I am an only child with very little family - an only child of two only children (!) so really wanted to experience family. Now I have experienced it I love it so much I want more and more.

A few things I ahve thought about

Is it the idea of never having any more which you do not like or do you really want more children? Would you always want more? I really want another but cannot work out if because of this we should if that makes sense.

Does DH not actively want more ie not choose to or would he accept you wanted more and of course then love the child.

The thing that sticks in my head is someone talking abuot imagining you are old and looking back on your life - would you have regreted having or not having another one?

Sorry - doesnt make much sense - I am too as confused as you!

dizzydixies Tue 19-May-09 14:56:24

my DH didn't want kids, we now have 3, I as the main instigator in the decision, told him I'd always regret NOT having another child but I'd NEVER regret having one

am now aiming for my 4th grin

peppapighastakenovermylife Tue 19-May-09 15:02:53

I shall borrow that line dizzydixies - presumably with big bambi eyes timed perfectly to those moments when DD and DS are being adorable wink

dizzydixies Tue 19-May-09 15:05:24

am not sure its going to work for me this time though grin

fucksticks Tue 19-May-09 20:07:53

so now 3 of us are in the same boat and confused grin

Thanks for your replies.

Any other words of wisdom/sympathy?

Geocentric Tue 19-May-09 20:36:48

Also in the confused club...

Its so difficult because going from 1 to 2 is such a no-brainer, everone expects you to do it. But 2 to 3 somehow feels <whispers> greedy. Like having dessert after a big meal, iykwim. You "don't really need it", but you want it anyway. Especially if, like me, you have one of each sex.

I'm 37 now and feeling the need for us to decide within the next year. DH won't admit it but he's just as confused - we keep having the V talk and he keeps putting it off.

Doesn't help that next year we're moving to my parents house (they're moving out) and it has 4 bedrooms - ooh the temptation to fill the extra one!!!!

lagaanisace Tue 19-May-09 20:53:44

If it helps, I found the jump from 1 to 2 children tough physically, emotionally and organizationally but when it came to 3 I felt that I'd already jumped those hurdles and the impact wasn't nearly as great.

My husband only wanted 2 but when he listened to my explanations, he didn't want me to live a 'what if' kind of existence.

It is by no means easy, my nearly six year old is very bright and very strong willed and my just 4 year old requires one on one at nursery for as yet undiagnosed 'issues'. But, the tough bit is not forever and my boys adore their ten month old sister. For us it has certainly been worth it.

bottletopbill Tue 19-May-09 20:55:47

Simple advice....just do it, you WILL regret it if you dont and may even resent your hubby later on in life.

The snip is very final - my doc told me you know when your family is complete when all of a sudden you may think your pregnant and it feels like youve made the hugest, biggest mistake ever. Now if you fell pregnant next month and feel over the moon then your definael not ready to throw the towel in

loler Tue 19-May-09 21:18:46

Mine are 5, 4 and 20 mnths - I was with you a couple of years ago. I think that the baby stage with dc3 was really easy as I enjoyed every minute of it knowing it was going to go past really really quickly (even enjoyed the nights as got ds2 to myself then - weird!).

Have found since ds2 can walk getting more challenging (lucky for me he was a late walker!) - he is also going through toddler tantrums, ds1 is being a typical 4 year old boy (role on Sept) and dd seems to be having a rush of hormones. Feel like I'm getting a bit of a taster of things to come and it looks like a hell of a lot of hard work!

I do sometimes wonder why I wanted 3 and look at friends with 2 and think it looks so much easier.

But ds2 is just so fabtastic would never send him back. (He is such a spoilt little ratbag already, does everything the other 2 were never allowed to).

There is no room for no.4 here - have been trying to talk dh to get the snip. Does feel great to just know - I can look at a baby and think ah there's a baby with out adding I want one too!

doodlemum Tue 09-Feb-10 20:09:39

Hello all,have just found this oldish thread when searching for the situation I am in - the OP pretty much sums up my predicament. Did any of you go for it with the third and if so why?

Or, if you have stuck at two, how did you arrive at the decision and are you still happy with the decision now?

Also very happy to hear from anyone else with 2 or 3 and their reasons for sticking at 2 or going for 3 (especially if it involved persuading DH!)

Poohbearsmom Tue 09-Feb-10 23:15:52

Im a confused mum of 2, i just go round and round in circles with this! Some days im absolute that i have to have 3 and on some days i just dont know... What makes it harder for me is dh has 'given me the green light' & is waitin for me to say come on lets start ttc but im nervous for umpteen diff reasons... head or heart???

ComeTwatTheKumquat Wed 10-Feb-10 12:28:21

ooo me too.......but my dh wants to stop at 2, sad

Cadelaide Wed 10-Feb-10 12:30:38

heart, every time.

jemimapotts Wed 10-Feb-10 12:32:40

We have 3. I would not be without any of them, but as they have got older it has got very difficult at times. It's hard to please everybody, and it often feels as though one feels hard done to and behaves accordingly. I look at people with 2 and think 'what a doddle'.

Cadelaide Wed 10-Feb-10 12:32:48

Who would be most unhappy, you if you didn't have another or DH if you did?

Actually, I really must go back and read the thread properly before I post...

Cadelaide Wed 10-Feb-10 12:36:28

Right, ok.

I wanted a third. I ached for a third. DP really, really didn't want another. He could see how unhappy I was and he sort of allowed it to happen.

We are very happy with our 3, DC3 is adored by all, and I know I'd be more miserable than ever if I didn't have him.

DarrellRivers Wed 10-Feb-10 12:42:39

I tried to go with my head, but just couldn't move on
I think I would always have regretted not having a third, even when I was old and wrinkled.
Now pregnant with DC3 it is like all those voices which wouldn't go away, have gone away and I feel right.
Go with your heart every time, your DH doesn't love the idea of a third, but he will love your third child, that's what happens
The other head stuff always works out in the end

Poledra Wed 10-Feb-10 12:51:28

I have 3 DDs having said we would stop at two. As DD2 grew up, I felt I wanted another one. When I discussed it with DH, he said there was no financial reason why we couldn't have another, it would be 'nice' but, as I would have to have it, the final decision was mine (I'd had 2 difficult births, and was getting on a bit).

It was terribly difficult to decide, as I wasn't 100% sure that DH actually did want another child. Obviously, we did go ahead, DH was delighted when I got pg and DD3 is adorable. grin I am sooooo glad I went for it, as I think I would have regretted not doing so.

Do I want no. 4? Well, TBH, I'd like a 4th baby, but I'm not sure I want a fourth teenager. grin Anyway, DD3 had health problems during my pg and after birth that are likely to reoccur (and possibly more severely) with any subsequent children so we've stopped. And I've started giving away my baby stuff. Would like DH to go for the snip but he is a total wuss about someone operating on his knackers........

BadGardener Wed 10-Feb-10 12:58:51

I followed my heart - my dh didn't really want a third and I knew it would be difficult to sustain my career and that I would be likely to get a third bout of hyperemesis.
My lovely dh knew it was important to me and agreed to a third despite all this.
DS2 is 4 months now. I had a hellish year - was sick most of last year and have lost my career. So my head is saying 'Told you so!'
However my heart points out that I've never been happier and dh is in love with the new baby too grin

LadyOfTheFlowers Wed 10-Feb-10 13:01:18

I was going with my heart but DH talked me round with the practicalities (we live in a 2 bed terrace) then 3 months after I had accepted having no more we found I was preg. blush ....

Am now 31 weeks with no.4 too!

Firawla Wed 10-Feb-10 13:13:23

i think you should do what you can to pursuade your dh, if you really want more it would be difficult for you to accept never having more, maybe he can agree 3 as a comprimise if he really feels 4 is too many. good luck. i can sympathise cos i also have ds & i cant imagine not having any u im keener for more than my dh is but he wouldnt stop me from more tho so its okay. do u do most of the childcare stuff, cos you could use that as an argument for him to leave the choice mainly to you? eg mine originally said as im the one @ home looking after them its up to me

Joolyjoolyjoo Wed 10-Feb-10 13:18:43

Hi- I have 3. I was an only child, but always wanted a big family- at least 4! But having had 3, I have realised this will be it for us.

I love having 3, but do sometimes feel pulled in different directions trying to give them all equal time and attention. DS (the youngest, at 2) spoils all the girls games, there is nearly always some fracas going on, and it means that a lot of their favourite toys are out of bounds until the little monster is safely in bed, which sometimes makes me feel bad. On the other hand, they do sometimes play reasonably well together, and I really enjoy seeing the interactions and relationships between them, as it's something I never had.

So no, I don't regret having no 3 at all. I had a bit of a wobble about a no 4 (which DH adamantly DOES NOT want) and even persuaded him to cancel his vasectomy, as I wasn't sure at the time. Now, however, I feel I am enjoying the kids more and more, and really couldn't stretch in practical terms to a no 4. I am now at the point that another poster mentioned when the thought of discovering I was pregnant again would feel like a disaster- I have plans for my own business, so much to do with the kids now they are getting a bit bigger, all of which would be impossible with a newborn- may be time to rethink that vasectomy...!!

My DH did say at the time that I could probably talk him into it if I wanted, which was slightly tempting, but I worried it would be something that would come between us at a later date- especially if there were problems with the pregnancy etc. I think you have to take your DH's concerns on board and see if you can address them, so that it's something you are both happy to go ahead with. Good luck1

doodlemum Wed 10-Feb-10 17:56:00

Interesting to hear the differing viewpoints, thanks for posting. I guess there is no straight forward answer - I can imagine feeling like Jemima if I had another one, but also Cadelaide too. So confusing!

My gut is telling me that the outcome for our family will be to stick at two (mainly because I don't want to have to talk DH into it, and although on paper I do most of the childcare, I couldn't do it without all the help and support from DH).

So does anyone know how you work it through in your head and come to terms with the fact that you aren't going to have the third child you always thought you would have?

LoadOBalls Fri 05-Apr-13 22:53:09

another resurrection here.... did any of you go on to have the 3rd? how do you feel now?

I am very conflicted. Am happy with my ds and dd and secure on mirena.. so it's kind of an effort to get it removed and even start trying IYKWIM .. life is great.. and yet..

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