Can anyone else relate to those horrible ugly feelings of red rage that suddenly flash before you when your child manages to reach to the very limits of your patience? I hope I am not alone. It appears to be something few people discuss over tea and biscuits at mother and toddler group - so I hope I can find comrades here!
My 20 month old toddler is testing me to the limit. He throws mighty tantrums. I can barely control him as he thrashes about like a wild animal - literally. He hits me in the face, his legs collapse beneath him like a rag doll, he throws himself onto all surfaces - concrete/corners of furniture/wet muddy grass verges etc. He also manages to try to escape at least once a week. Today he took advantage of someone leaving the gate open at the toddler group and disappeared. Last week he pushed opened our porch door and ran over the road out of sight. A police helicopter was contacted to take up the search - though I did actually find him 4 mins later. I almost had a heart attack in the street however and ended up being consoled by an elderly neighbour - (whilst my son proceeded to dismantle her living room)
Anyway, to top it all off I am 8 months pregnant. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I try to remain calm and patient, but feel like I no longer have any control over him. Quite often I end up phoning my poor husband (who works in London - 1 hr and and half journey away)in floods of tears, and he then comes home to try to pick up the pieces.
But what scares me - during the midst of some of his tantrums, is this feeling of rage that just bubbles up within me and I'm frightened with the horrid angry thoughts that dash through my mind directed towards my son. I love him so much yet he can sometimes provoke in me a murderous rage which leaves me feeling guilty and numb. It is a blind rage - if you know what I mean (not red mist but just where I feel like my thoughts ar eall over the shop)- and after I'm left racking my brains - 'did I do anything wrong?' 'Did I manhandle him? hurt him?' Actually I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder so thats why I always doubt but still - I can't think straight. I feel like I could easily have lost control and it scares me!
I love him and yet sometimes I feel like strangling him!? Is this normal? I feel so guilty even saying it. I'm ashamed of these feelings but they seem so primal I just can't stop them. I know we can't always be perfect mums but I never thought a small child could make me so angry.
For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
Parenting
Toddler tantrums/ behaviour that push me to the limits
memum · 06/12/2004 18:26
You're most definitely not alone and it's perfectly normal to fell tested to the extreme. I'm always surprised how so many toddlers make it into adulthood... mine included!
DD will be 3 in a couple of weeks and since she's been vocal has even worse ways of driving me absolutely insane as she is the most defiant toddler ever (and yes I know... everybody thinks their kid's the worst 
). I've had days where I simply had to walk out of the room or else...
Like today was day from hell... ds (3 months) snotting, coughing and throwing up with a good dose of crying. dd being more wingey than usual as feeling 'neglected' due to special attention to baby. DH came home in foul mood because work was cr*p with a negative patience level when it comes to wingeying dd... and of course there's the heating breaking down and the car suddenly sounding like a tractor and my mum telling me that she wants to go on holiday with us next year (horror). I'm soooooo tired and fed up that I would rather just walk out the door right now...
So you see... perfectly normal and not so unusual.
Hope this helps cheer you up a bit
really sympathise - is there a way you can make your life easier? is the toddler group more stressful than beneficial? if so don't feel guilty and don't go until you feel you have the energy .could you shop online? you should try and be as kind to yourself as possible, you must be so tired and when we're tired anything can happen! when my ds1 went through this phase i used water at every opportunity - whether it was a bath (sometimes 3 times a day with lavender or chamomile!) a bowl of water with jugs, cups, whisk, water wheel, puddles outside or swimming. i found it really helped calm him down and got him to focus all that energy eventually making him sleepy. other things that have helped were playdoh to pummel and marbles (you can get extra large ones and a marble run). also found talking him though it, giving the emotions a name so he can begin to articulate and speak them as he gets a bit older. i found he did understood more than i realised so i began to prepare him for each day - say what you are going to do, accept that everything will take loads of time as they are at that independent stage and want to do everything themselves. if you have to leave early or a tantrum is imminent - explain in short sentences why you are doing something and hopefully using a positive at the end ie 'we need to go home now as mummy is tired - we can make some popcorn when we get back'.its so difficult not to take it personally when they do lose it, especially in public with tutting pensioners and other parents that think their quiet child is the result of superior parenting skills! does he still have a nap? if not i found the complete series of the clangers or bagpuss keeps my 18 month old enthralled (must be all the squeaky mice) and there is your chance for sleep. it does get better - i'm expecting my third in april. hold on for the good stuff, especially when they first tell you they love you
Memum - it's just that age I'm afraid (although of course they can be difficult at any age). I'm struggling with my 25 month old at the moment (and also got a 3.5 yr old and 3 month old!) - he is just uncontrollable and I can't work him out half the time. He strops over the slightest tiny thing and I'm afraid I do end up really shouting. Like others have said, he throws himself on the floor goes all floppy or wacks me in the face if I try and pick him up and console him - he's just inconsolable so I have to walk or away or wallop him I'm afraid (obviously I walk away and get on with something else!).
You are most definitely not alone either in your child's behaviour or your feelings but it sounds as though you are handling it absolutely the best way you can and after all, you haven't lashed out at him and you are doing no harm.
It's possible that added to 'that age' (where they do often get frustrated when they are trying so hard to verbally communicate but just can't quite yet), he is aware of an upcoming big change (baby) so perhaps be a little sensitive to that. I do wonder whether the arrival of ds3 in August has exacerbated ds2's outburts as ds1 never had such tantrums.
HTH, good lucky with the new baby!
Thank god someone else asked this question as I have been thinking the same thing. At times my DS1 drives me to distraction, and I shout at him. Then when I pop him to bed at night and he says "love mummy" and nighty nite I feel sooooo guilty and such a terrible mother. I also obsess about how I would remember all those shouts if he ever got unwell or anything happened to him 
- touch wood nothing will.
I think that its just a testing age, when they undestand so much language but often can't communicate what they want. Or, in my case, he wants sweets constantly - and communicates that v well 
I agree, no-one ever talks about this and you are left wondering "Am I normal?" "Does everyone lose their temper like this?"
It's frightening isn't it, when you calm down and realise how much you let this little person wind you up. I also find that my temperament is dependent on the time of the month and what my hormones are doing. There's a few particular days of the month when I don't deal well with my daughter. There's something inside me, which I am sure 99.99% of us mothers have, which stops me from raising my hand and thrashing her. I feel comforted by the knowledge that is there, but the thoughts still race through my head.
During those worst moments I find myself slamming doors or throwing things like a mad woman (in a room away from my dd) just to get out my rage. Walking away really is the best advice and like someone else suggested, doing a task, like going to the toilet or brushing your teeth, does help to break that train of thought and you are more able to go back to your child in a controlled manner.
I hope you're feeling better now. If you really do think your son's beahviour is more trying than other children's his age, or you do think you would ever act on your thoughts, then I am sure there is some organisation or person out there that you could contact for help. Good luck
mishi - dd also went beserk when I got pregnant... I think they can feel something's up and just go on instinct. She did the head banging thing when she was about 18 months old. I think it's because the first thing they learn is that we're VERY careful with their heads when they're little, so know it will illicit a reaction. I have to admit that I once did not stop dd slamming her head against the wall 
, but would ya believe it... since then she was only faking it when I was around. I know it's a terrible thing to let your child hurt itself, but I was at the end of my tether and had tried anything from holding her, distracting her, taking her away from the situation etc.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.