Losing my shit with toddler

[Gingerninja01]

I am really struggling to not lose my temper with my 2.5 year old. Shes 2, I feel terrible even saying that.
Today is a typical example. Drawing on the walls, refusing dinner, massive fuss brushing teeth (running off, screaming etc), throwing water all over the room, climbing on everything, we were at a midwife appointment earlier and she again ran away meaning I had to chase her, last week she broke my phone and as soon as I got a replacement she chewed the leather cover of the new one and then managed to send an embarrassing news story to most of my contacts list when I left the room for 2mins.
I find myself getting really angry. I grew up with parents who were very impatient and quick to shout and shame me and I hate seeing it mirrored in my own behaviour. Earlier on I was so mad at her and she started tugging at my clothes wanting reassurance as she could see I was angry and I just couldn't calm down enough to do it. I feel like a terrible mum.
Please does anyone have any tips on not getting irrationally angry when their toddler pushes their buttons? I'm so scared we will end up having a similar relationship to the one i have with my parents because i can't control my own emotions.

[hpsolacee]

I am sorry you are struggling but that’s all typical toddler behaviour and you need to learn strategies to learn to manage your expectations as well as your own reactions. Everything you have listed is completely normal toddler behaviours. Also if you are due another baby then it will only get worst for a while and you will have even less patience and time to deal with her therefore you do need to learn how to manage your own reactions. I am sorry if this isn’t what you expected.

[Gingerninja01]

Thanks for your reply, I want honest advice so thankyou, I wasnt posting hoping for messages telling me it's ok to get angry.
Do you have any advice re the strategies you mentioned?

[managedmis]

Yeah ginger I feel your pain!

Here's what I do:

Distract the toddler in question when they are up to no good : 'LOOK! A squirrel!!!' This gets their attention, fast.

Also, you can bribe them with really mundane things: 'Listen to me! Do you want to look out of the window /wave at that lady/count these bananas!??'

Also, lower your expectations. Really. She won't eat her carrots? But she'll eat an apple? Go for the apple.

[novacaneforthepain]

My 3 year old is giving me a hard time, I feel your pain.

Sometimes when she is doing something that is irritating me I gasp in shock and stare and point at something in the room and make out something just happened. I know it's mean but it snaps her out of whatever she's doing.

[Fouroutoffour]

Mine isn't quite at the toddler stage yet, but I find my patience wears thin when I haven't left the house with him. Do you get out every day? Assuming you're a SAHM, but otherwise do you go out at the weekend? The embarrassing news story thing will be very funny soon. I agree with picking your battles, but it's also OK to have rules, e.g. she's not allowed to play with your phone (could she maybe have the broken one to play with?). Have plenty of toys when you go out. Can she go on reins so she can't run off? Apologies if this is useless advice!

[hpsolacee]

Thank you for taking this with good grace. I found this age really difficult with my eldest as understanding and speech was limited, eating was difficult compounded by various health issues, behaviour was difficult. I found distractions, love bombing, lots of one to one time, praise, encouragement, walking away and shouting at myself!!! worked best. I barely managed this age by making sure he slept enough, had enough food as if he didn’t eat his behaviour would worsen and also not over tiring him. If he was over tired he would get very difficult. I remember taking him with me to the midwife and my god he was a terror!! But it does pass and lots of one to one time doing things together helps. Don’t worry.

[novacaneforthepain]

Sorry @managedmis I pretty much repeated your idea! Good one though ey

[LoisLittsLover]

I also think you may need to up your game in respect of what she can access - dd has never drawn on the walls partly because she couldn't access pens unsupervised until she was 4 and old enough to use them properly. I would also never allow her a phone/tablet unsupervised so that situation wouldn't happen

[hpsolacee]

Does she gets lots of screen time?. Screen time does also affect behaviour so I would advice to reduce it. Re the food make sure to give her vitamins as food can be difficult at this age and don’t stress over it as the more she sees you stressing over it the more she will react and refuse as it’s the only thing she can control. It’s a hard age for them as everything is changing and it’s a bit confusing for them so try not to let it get to you too much.

[MarshaBradyo]

Toddlers need to do a lot to feel happy. So go out, to the park it museum or playgroup with toys.

Keep your phone hidden. Teach her to draw on paper together draw faces etc. Also they generally don’t like the teeth thing.

[Gingerninja01]

Thanks for your replies. We do go out lots, admittedly not as much as usual recently as I'm now 8 months and it's getting hard work but we still go to soft play weekly, the playground, a weekly toddler sensory class, have playdates with friends, trips to the supermarket (!) etc, so although it's not as much activity as we would usually do together we do venture out regularly.
Re screen time, she is definitely having more of this than previously, I dont give her my phone to play with, I have (perhaps thoughtlessly) left it on the table etc while I've left the room briefly and she has managed to climb up and grab it. She does have large pads of paper and an easel etc but for some reason prefers the walls/the floor etc!!!
I try really hard to be jolly and to have lots of cuddles etc, some days she doesn't seem to want to know and I worry its because I've been grumpy/shes worked out I'm not that great.

[Hepsibar]

Do you ever get out into the actual countryside where she can let off steam in the woods? Always found this far better than soft play which seemed to overstimulate mine. Suggest keeping an ABC behaviour chart for each tantrum ... what was happening before, during, after and you may see it's not all the time and there are nice bits inbetween.

Have you tried the naughty step a la Jo Frost or reward stickers to achieve something for good behaviour? Lots on Youtube.

You sound like a very devoted mum and she sounds like a typical two year old. Suggest always putting out of reach, car keys, mobiles, remote controls.

[hpsolacee]

For me personally the writing on the walls wouldn’t wound me up to be honest. When my kids started with pens/pencils, my priority was for them to learn how to hold a pen/pencil rather than the state of the walls so I did let it go. But I appreciate not everyone is the same. Re the screen time, I guess it’s only natural it’s increased as you are heavily pregnant right now and it’s tiring to keep a toddler constantly entertained. Do try and aim to reduce it though. She must also sense that a baby is due so must be feeling a bit out of sorts as she would soon be sharing you. The teeth brush is completely normal and no kids like having their teeth brushed so don’t stress over it. Congrats on your pregnancy and hope all goes well

[MarshaBradyo]

Dd has drawn on the walls with crayon inside and out. Admittedly it’s in a place I can’t see that well and don’t care about but it’s fine.

I don’t do rewards or step but recognise she’ll have patches where she’s a bit more work.

You sound like you’re doing the right things. But put your phone on instant lock if she keeps grabbing it and you’ve forgotten it

[insanepizza]

I am well past this age with mine but I remember those awful days and feel for you! I remember DD drawing on new sofa and then getting in an absolute state of denial that it was her imaginary friend. In the end I had to tell the friend off rather than her!

I wouldn't want drawing on the walls either and so to be consistent about it is good. Nothing wrong with being firm and then showing where we do draw.

Distraction key (look squirrels etc as advice above very good).

Also be kind to yourself too, accept that some days will be better than others. Make yourself a cuppa or something that will make you feel better.

This is normal and you're still a good mum even if you're struggling.

[SnugglySnerd]

Yep toddlers are really hard work! I have twin 2 year olds and tonight I ache with tiredness.

I keep things like crayons out of reach unless supervised so drawing on walls not an issue. When they have made a mess (e.g. ds tipped all his drink out earlier) they help to tidy up. They quite like wiping with a cloth! In fact an easy distraction is to hand them a plant spray containing water and a cloth to spray and wipe all the kitchen cupboards which is especially good as it keeps them clean!

Running about outside is definitely the best tactic to wear them out but it can be hard at this time of year and especially when pregnant. I remember dd1 watched a lot more TV as I got closer to my due date with the dts! We have been going out for walks at dusk and spotting Christmas trees and pretty lights. We don't go far but it gets us out and they burn off some energy before bed time.

We all lose it from time to time though. Only human!

[MarshaBradyo]

I read somewhere that running around was a toddler’s natural state, which made sense as dd pretty much loves it

[insanepizza]

If she wants to draw on the floor then buy some chalk and go outside to do it.

Don't beat yourself up that she hasn't eaten vegetables etc. You've offered it. If she has more screen time than ideal while you take some time for you then that's ok too. I think we try so hard for perfection (healthy diet, clean house, amazing stimulation) and never appreciate what we did achieve (hooray no wall murals today and I managed to put on a wash, well done me). Human nature I suppose but be kinder to yourself!

[managedmis]

Yeah, definitely try and let them go wild outside, preferably somewhere with a fence and a ball so they can run around and you can just observe. I remember taking DS to an empty tennis court i. E. closed, with fences, when I was pregnant with DD just to let him run amok! I sat on the ball boy's
bench

[NearlyBaked]

Being very pregnant with a toddler is tough!

I found 'playful parenting' and 'positive parenting' resources really helpful - lots of info online and books if you search those phrases.

Does meditation/yoga/mindfulness appeal to you at all? It might give you some tools to help you keep calm when faced with challenging toddler stuff.
If I'm at home I make a cup of tea and drink it in the garden, fresh air always helps break the spell.

[mizzles]

One idea for keeping her entertained: I pretend to be a doctor and send DD to bring me various toys in her toy pram so I can examine them and then tell her how to look after them. Sometimes she has to rescue them from a fire first and then bring them to the hospital. The bonus is that she has to run around lots collecting toys and wheeling the pram while I sit down and drink tea. Kills lots of time. Or get a big cardboard box and give her lots of tind of food to arrange in her 'cupboard'. Mine loves this for some reason.

[SnugglySnerd]

I did similar to Mizzles when I was pregnant except I was much lazier so I was the patient. I lay on the settee and dd examined me wit her toy doctor kit and then put a blanket over me and "read" to me. She was entertained and I was lying down. Win-win!

[FrostyPopThePenguinLord]

I get this completely, my toddler has driven me absolutely bonkers today. I’m fairly heavily pregnant, everything is sensitive and I have a migraine. I just don’t want to be touched/clambered on etc (who knew toddlers were so pointy and wriggly). She is trying to semi potty train herself for some reason, she is 22 months old, and doesn’t actually know when she wants to go but keeps taking her nappy off and saying potty and then being too scared to sit on the potty.....then screaming and hitting for every little tiny thing. Refused dinner, kicked the cat and her dad at bedtime. Oh and teething some pretty big molars.....
I just got through today (gale force winds and rain so I am not going outside) with a combination of paracetamol (me), biscuits (both of us) and trashy TV....there are days to be super mum and days to do anything for a quiet life.
I feel horrible this evening because I wasn’t exactly a ray of sunshine for her today, so I’m taking her out for an activity of some sort tomorrow regardless, softplay, sky diving, whatever she wants. 😂😂

[BetweenTheMoon]

I feel yay. Mine is 3.5 and I have a new baby and today every darn button of mine was pushed.

I've just started reading How Not To Loose Your Shit With Your Kids for the same reasons. My parents were similar and I don't want to be like it. It's good so far (I'm only a couple of chapters in). I also have, but haven't started yet, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. It's so much harder to keep patience with 2....

I also know when we get in this state the answer is more time together which, when you are tired and touched out is hard. I choose activities I actually enjoy (crafts, baking) and make a real effort of being all in with her while I do that.

Having a sibling is such a massive change. They just want to know you still love them and are still their safe space. I'm hoping it gets easier and easier as these first few months have been tough!

[Starface]

You may find entertaining her harder when baby actually arrives. It is very hard for the first 6 weeks or so, trying to get everyone out before the afternoon. I remember crazy amounts of screen time.

With walls, use washable felt tips only. And "magic sponges" are amazing for getting marks off. Poundstore sells them.

YY she will understand that changes are coming but not what they are. And be kind to yourself too, at 8 months pregnant pretty big changes are coming for you too.

My kids would do anything for a sticker, that has always worked well as a reward.

For myself to calm down, I have to count to 10. And try to remember that me shouting usually escalates all the problems so is pretty self defeating. Making a joke, turning it into a race, distraction. Often asking myself if the argument is worth it and picking my battles (my kids wore shoes on the wrong feet a lot unless walking for long distances - not worth arguing). Connecting with them and recognising where this was underpinning problems. Empathising with the source of their distress.. But also employing a fireman's lift at times on the school run with a truly recalcitrant toddler lol.

You are absolutely right that shame is a terrible motivator that also causes long term damage. Not a great strategy. Also just not very effective as my kids just want to run away from shame which is then further frustrating.

But cut yourself some slack. This is a hard time for your family with all the transition. You won't be perfect. Just keep trying to connect, make this a core goal and let other less important things slide for a bit. You'll get there.