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Is parenting just this hard or do I need help?

(35 Posts)
Twotwo Sun 08-Sep-19 20:48:48


I am at SAHM mum to 2.2 year old twins. They are amazing funny and at times crazy! I really love them and enjoy spending my time with them. My DH works full time so all of the childcare falls to me. I do all the organising when it comes to the children. He is pretty hands on when he is at home and does his fair share of the housework too.
Why do I find parenting so hard? I’m finding this stage even harder than 2 newborns. I am an anxious person anyway but just find everything so stressful, between trying to get them to nap, hoping they eat enough, are entertained enough etc. My boys are into everything and At this age it’s hard getting out with them as they are running in different directions and no longer want to be in the pram.
My husband thinks I need to seek professional help. I’m not sure if I do. A family day out for my causes major stress from before we even go out but I do enjoy it when we are there.
We also argue a lot because I don’t think my husband appreciates all I do and is just so used to be having everything planned and sorted that he doesn’t even realise the work that went into it.
I suppose what I’m trying to get at is- is this just parenting toddlers? Or does it sound like my stress/anxiety is a bit more than normal? At the minute I feel like my anxiety is taking over the enjoyment of parenting.


Quartz2208 Sun 08-Sep-19 20:50:37

If your anxiety is taking over then yes you do need to

BlueAndYellowPurplePills Sun 08-Sep-19 20:52:15

It’s this hard.
Well I think so anyway.
I’d start leaving him in charge of the both as much as you can so he gets an idea of what it’s like.
I had to do this with mine (now nearly 2 & 4) so my partner understood the madness.
I think he needs to be more understanding.
I’m also the one who stays at home all day with mine.

Evanna13 Sun 08-Sep-19 20:55:14

This is a very hard age, in a few years they should be much easier to manage. Do you ever get a break from them? It's very important to prioritise self care. Big hugs xx

Cauliflowerpower Sun 08-Sep-19 20:57:11

Omg! Wow twins are hard mine are nearly 4

I found that 3 and over was massively better. They talk and tell me stuff and rat on each other and laugh...

Hang in're doing really well.

HalyardHitch Sun 08-Sep-19 20:58:04

My nearly two year old is a delight. My nearly three year old definitely isn't. I think it depends on the age, the personality of the child, etc. I'd 100% struggle more if I had two like my eldest. He's already tough on my mental health as it is

IrishMamaMia Sun 08-Sep-19 21:01:08

Since my son turned two I've found it really challenging, exhausting (also more than a small baby) and I just have the one. I think it's extra hard when you're full time caring for them. I work 4 days a week. A holiday in the summer where I did most 9f his care for the week was particularly strenuous.
He's just over 2.5 now and it's getting a bit easier. I've found since his communication skills have improved that's been really helpful and he is working on independence skills such as potty training which was difficult but has made life easier.
Cut yourself some slack and book a spa day.

BraveGoldie Sun 08-Sep-19 21:29:02

Op, can you describe your actual anxiety? (Eg is it simply that you are exhausted and find it really hard and wish you had more peace and quiet?) or are you finding yourself worrying all day that they are ill or will hurt themselves when actually they are fine? Or are you feeling guilty and like you can't sit down and rest even when they are peaceful/ napping (if they ever are), or are you crying lots/ unable to sleep etc?

In answer to 'is it hard?' Damn right - yes! I only had one child, she was not particularly hard, and I was exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed at least half the time until she was 4! I have huge admiration for anyone who manages to parent more than one or any child with special needs. It is meant to be hard, and I honestly think if you are not feeling awful, tired and self doubting at least some of the time, then you are probably not doing it right!

However, if you feel you are struggling with your own emotional health, then absolutely reach out for help if you can.

Twotwo Sun 08-Sep-19 21:55:44

Thanks for your replies.

I suppose my anxiety presents as “I’m really stressed, getting through the day is such hard relentless work with 2 toddlers” rather than any irrational worries about their wellbeing, although I did have a bit of that when they were born. I just am always looking forward to my next ‘break’ be it naps, bedtime etc.
No I sleep fine and don’t often cry except maybe after a bad conflict with my husband which isn’t very often.

Ohwhocares Sun 08-Sep-19 22:03:01

Just a quick pat on the back for you OP, it sounds like your doing a great job and are a lovely mummy. Do/would you have reins for the kiddies? Helps me take an active toddler out and about.

I have long term anxiety but my GP has been useful tbh, might just be worth having a chat to them, although everything you've described sounds really normal! Small people are pretty amazing and pretty hard work in equal amounts!

Is there anything practically that someone can help you with? What about little tweeks in their routine, getting outfits (kids/you) (and spares) out the night before, batch cooking when DH takes them to the park etc? Sorry if that's not helpful, I'm trying to work on my own anxiety and had to think of solutions that made little differences. But pls don't be hard on yourself whatever you do! A bath and a book/wine/choc can also help me refuel for the week ahead

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Sun 08-Sep-19 22:04:42

2yos are feral.

How often does dh look after them for a whole day? Is he unable to appreciate how exhausting two small kids are due to never having some responsibility?

BraveGoldie Sun 08-Sep-19 22:11:04

Op always looking forward to your next break is the definition of being a parent, as far as I am concerned!!!! If that makes you DH think you need professional help, then you need to book a spa weekend and leave him to it for two days.....

Then you will get your break and he will get why you need one! Win win! grin

megletthesecond Sun 08-Sep-19 22:14:16

2 year olds are hard flowers.
I don't think you have a problem, just a lot on your plate and a DH that doesn't seem to understand how gruelling 2 year old twins are.

shinynewapple Sun 08-Sep-19 22:24:45

I think anybody would find looking after 2 year old twins a handful. It's a really challenging age, and I only had the one.

Are you in the house with them all day or do you manage to get out to parent and toddler / stay and play groups - a chance for your DC to play with other children and you to meet other mums?

Do you have family locally who are able to give a hand, play with your DC while you get a bit of housework done?

Don't ever feel guilty for putting them in front of the TV for half an hour.

It should get easier thanks

seeingdots Sun 08-Sep-19 22:26:03

I think you sound completely normal! I often it exhausting and stressful with one toddler never mind two, and I get to go to work for a break. If I was a SAHM with twins I'd feel the exact same. What you need is a weekend away on your own, both for you to get a break and, perhaps more importantly, for your husband get a taster of how much you do and how many balls you're trying to keep in the air at once.

Sunshine1235 Sun 08-Sep-19 22:44:32

It sounds really normal. Not belittling your feelings at all but 2 yrs olds are hard work and having twins I can’t imagine. I have two boys under 3 and most days I feel like I’m barely clinging on to my sanity. I know that’s not very helpful but you’re not alone.

Sunshine1235 Sun 08-Sep-19 22:46:11

Now my boys are a bit older I’m starting to build in time away. So going for a weekend away with childless friends and leaving them at home with their dad. Or he’s taken them away for a few days to his parents. It really helps me now to have a break and feel more like a normal person

JC12345 Sun 08-Sep-19 22:57:47

I have 2 year old twins and a 4 year old. It is hard at this stage as they want to walk/run everywhere and not generally in the same direction. I use the little backpacks with reins for them and am trying to get them to hold hands when walking so they go in same direction. The 4 year old is much easier, so that's an improvement on a few months ago. I don't think people without twins realise how tricky it is - definitely not the same as having two of different ages (even if they're close in age). You get to know which places are easy/hard to take them too. Any local twins groups to you?

Melmam Mon 09-Sep-19 12:19:39

I agree with #BlueAndYellowPurplePulls mine are also two boys ages 2 and 4 and i find it really hard at times too im also the main caregiver as there dad is at work full time he also travels alot so i do be fully on my own with them its hard but you will get there.

ERS25 Mon 09-Sep-19 15:45:29

I get stressed out. I'm a single parent. Dad is involved two nights a week. But for me (not for her dad) she can have huge meltdowns, sometimes I'm calm and can handle them and sometimes I just can't and become a shouty parent and feel huge guilt (my shoutyness causes more shoutyness from my LO, 3yrs old). I think stress is normal. Toddler are hard work!!

Twotwo Mon 09-Sep-19 17:25:59

Thanks for all your responses. I feel so much better now as I really wasn’t expecting everyone to say I needed help.

I do have good family support and can get a break if I need it definitely. My husband has had the boys maybe twice for a full day on his own but has drafted in his sister to help on those days. No issue with that but really isn’t the same as being on your own while everyone else is at work with them.

I do get out to groups and have good mum friends and even other twin mum friends who understand my woes!

Twotwo Mon 09-Sep-19 17:26:15

Really was expecting **

Edai Mon 09-Sep-19 17:42:28

Hi, firstly I'd like to say, it breaks my heart that it makes you guys argue. I know how hard it is, and honestly the worst part at least for me is that due to the arguments, you feel isolated and alone. You arent. Take some steps back any given quiet moment. And think: It's hard now but how lovely memories these will be when you're all older and wiser. Don't let it out on your partner if he doesn't understand.... How could he if he's never done it? From what you said you have an amazing partner at hands who is willing to provide and still helps you out at the end of the day, too many women have no idea what that is like. Of course this isn't to say that your struggles are insignificant because it's quite the opposite. If you struggle get help. It's not given, that we can do this perfect on our own especially with twins. You're worn and stretched and tired. You need a break and time to recharge and self love (and so does he) and this has to happen regularly and frequently. The best thing a mother can do for her children is love their father and the best he can do is love their mother. Fathers and mothers can be elusive things. Here one day gone the next. Don't contribute to the statistics, but chin up and be strong and pull through the hardship. Keep going like a troop that you guys are.
And everything will fall right into place. You'll see. You might not need help, maybe you just need a good cuddle, some reinforcement, and a well timed, baby can you help with this? Good luck and lots of love. Xx

sailingclosetothewind Mon 09-Sep-19 17:47:57

You sound completely normal. Even with just one.
It is hard work, it really is, and you have two to look after!! It would be alot for anyone.
Draw up a timetable of breaks, and ask that have said they are willing to help. Make sure you are getting proper breaks. I used to feel like this when I had no downtime, it used to turn into a meltdown if left.

Consider a nursery setting for a few mornings, if they are really active. They have each other for company, and a rest will do you good.

sailingclosetothewind Mon 09-Sep-19 17:49:14

Sorry for all the typos! Pressed send too soon.

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