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What do you do when your child IS the Bully?

(35 Posts)
babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 16:04:30

I am posting this through the tears because I was phoned by my DD's(10) school today to tell me that she is on headmasters report. The reason for this is 'following her continuing aggressive behaviour'

The letter that has come home with her today continues "She has also singled out one of our disabled children for a sustained attack, both verbal and physical." and

I just don't know how to react she's been in trouble at school for bad behaviour before and 2 months ago was caught shop lifting chewing gum. But bullying! please help!

Home life is very stable and my Ds1(8) is happy at the school and rarely in trouble. My Ds2(11 months) has a disabilty so I find this even more shocking I can't beleive I've brought up a bully.

I've sent her to her room to do homework. Now What??!!!

CarGirl Fri 22-Jun-07 16:07:10

sorry I have no advice but I think if you google there is good advice/help out there from one of the anti-bullying organisations. Perhaps it is linked to the birth of Ds2 - jealousy/anger/lack of control in her own life/lack of her feeling allowed to express her own emotions about the situation??? Just wild guesses but you need to find out what is bothering her.

Pixiefish Fri 22-Jun-07 16:08:20

Firstly- you are doing something about it so stop beating yourself up. Things beyond your control could be hppeneing to do this. You don't know what is going through her mind.

have a chat with her and see if you can get to the root of the problem- don't be too hard on her- you need her to open up and tell you what's worrying her not make her close up

Also get involved with how the school are dealing with this

dustystar Fri 22-Jun-07 16:15:10

I agree with pixiefish that you shouldn't be too hard on her as you want her to be honest with you. You need to know if she did this alone, led the crowd or was one of many. Being one of many doesn't excuse the behaviour but it does cast a different light on it. Maybe she just doesn't like this child and their disability has nothing to do with it. I'm not saying that this makes it okay either but it sounds to me as though you feel the school are saying she picked on this child BECAUSE they are disabled and that may not be the case.

My Mum is a SENCo and she had a child a few years back who had been indulged since birth because of his disability. As a result he was a little shit and the other kids didn't like him. His mum was forever complaining that he had no friends and that the other kids bullied him because he was disabled but in this case it wasn't true. He had no friends because he was an over-indulged little boy too used to getting his own way.

babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 16:20:25

She' got to stay in at lunch and breaktimes for a month she's also got to get her report book filled in at every lesson. The school says they'll stay in touch but until today I didn't know anything was wrong. I said at the last parents evening that I needed to be told if something was going on but they've just sat on it and threatened dd that if she didn't change her behaviour then they'd ring me.

The letter also says that the next step is exclusion !!!

She's very bright but she doesn't seem to have taken much care over her school work spellings etc over the past 6 months or so.

I'm worried that I'm going to loose my temper when I speak to her as she' quite good at shrugging and eye rolling.

dustystar Fri 22-Jun-07 16:21:33

Give yoursefl time to calm down before you try to talk to her then.

Mrbatters Fri 22-Jun-07 16:22:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 16:24:45

I've asked my mum and dad to have her over night to see if they can get any sense out of her.

Do you think we need to talk to her rather than punish her?

Grounding and taking things away works for a bit but clearly isn't enough of a deterant

CarGirl Fri 22-Jun-07 16:27:31

yes talking to her the way forward!! Bullying is usually a sign of something "lacking" somewhere or copied behaviour. Why do you think grandparents will have more success than you?

letitgo Fri 22-Jun-07 16:34:38

I think she needs to have a consequence for her actions but if you come down too heavily you risk not finding out what is bothering her. Perhaps you could get her to read some of the stuff one the bullying websites to try and get her to understand why this behaviour is so wrong.

babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 16:36:59

Because they are more distanced from her, aren't annoyed about all the other little things that shes done.

When she's been in trouble before me and DH have tried pleading, talking, shouting, crying, good cop bad cop thing. I just think if she sees that they are disappointed with her behaviour too it might have more effect.

Also me and DH were at A + E last night till 2am because I had a really funny turn (never rains but it pours hey) So we're not quite up for confrontation tonight.

Once a child is labelled 'bad' at a school do you think they can ever really change opinions?

dustystar Fri 22-Jun-07 16:39:30

How long has there been a problem with her behaviour? Just becuase she is having problems at the moment doesn't mean she has been labelled as "bad".

dustystar Fri 22-Jun-07 16:41:21

I think that you need to have a meeting with the school to discuss your concerns and how you are going to proceed from here.

CarGirl Fri 22-Jun-07 16:44:26

have you all got into a rut that she is behaving badly for attention and that is working? I just wonder how much the arrival of your youngest may have affected her. I remember a school friend telling me how much she hated her youngest sibling for the first few years because she was so jealous of her - think it was about a 7/8 year gap.

jalopy Fri 22-Jun-07 16:46:09

Babalon, it's interesting that she has 'picked on' a child with special needs at the school. Do you think this might be related to home life? Does your youngest son demand a lot of your attention because of his needs? Perhaps she finds this difficult and is angry towards you. I'm only trying to guess for you.

Would extra one-to-one time with her help?

MrsWobble Fri 22-Jun-07 16:48:22

please don't take any of this the wrong way but how well you do know your dd? How much time have you been able to spend with her over the last year given the needs of her siblings? I have a 10 year old and whilst she can be responsible and sensible and grown up she is still a little girl and needs emotional support. It may be that your daughter just needs a bit more of your attention. I'm sure it won't be easy but I'm also sure you can work through this - but don't abandon her - she really needs you now, even if she doesn't realise it or appreciate it

babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 16:49:31

She started there at the end of year 3. She started getting in trouble in year 4 and was on report 2 or 3 times that year but she settle down in the later part of year 4. Behaviour really changed when she started hanging aroud with the boy/girl twins( year 5) from across the road she started lying and pushing the boundaries. I've never liked them but didn't want to say "you can't hang round with them" and push them closer together.

Does anyone know of outside input that might be available and how I'd access it? I asked the head but he just said go to the GP not really sure what they'd do ?

dustystar Fri 22-Jun-07 16:51:23

Your local parentlink might be able to help. You should be able to get their number from your Childrens information service.

soapbox Fri 22-Jun-07 16:51:49

TBH - I really don't think your average parent is particularly well equiped to deal with this kind of thing.

If it were me, I would take the view that it was a sign of an extremely sad and disturbed child and would be booking in with a child psychologist asap.

CarGirl Fri 22-Jun-07 16:52:54

The LEA used to have school counsellors etc so ask the school again or GP

dustystar Fri 22-Jun-07 16:54:20

have a look here

babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 17:00:04

Cargirl - she really loves ds2 she never shows jelous behaviour towards him, towards Ds1 yes. I hope she's not jealous of him she saw him being born and cut the cord

Jalopy - this did cross my mind DS2 was born with clubbed feet and I've spent alot of time researching best treatment methods and hospitals. I'm also currently appealing against the NHS trust decision not to fund a certain brace that he needs. This will definately be raised when I took to her.

MrsWobble We do try and have one to one time with all the children and when she's 1 to 1 with anyone she's as good as gold. And we do lots of family things walks bike rides bowling. I know what you're saying though maybe we do leave her to her own devises more than we should I just thought she wanted her space.

3littlefrogs Fri 22-Jun-07 17:00:50

I agree with soapbox. Ask for a referral through your GP.
The school ought to be able to refer through the educational psychologist, but do not seem to be handling the situation very well, so maybe the GP is a better route.

Also - is your Ds2 under the care of a paediatrician or special team? If so then they ought to be able to get support for your other children, including counselling and psychological support.

babalon Fri 22-Jun-07 17:03:02

Thanks dusty I'll have a read of that in a sec.

I don't know whats happen to her to make her so unhappy I think some kind of councelling is the next step

CarGirl Fri 22-Jun-07 17:03:12

all siblings get jealous of each other - it's normal! It could of course be that double edged think I love him but....which is very hard to deal with at that age.

My eldest is 10 and it's so easy to forget they are sensitive and really "little children" still who struggle to cope with emotions, other people, situations etc My dd tells her Dad lots and lots if stuff and I think that outlet really helps her.

Good luck!

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