Issues with a friend and her parenting

[sparkleandsunshine]

Ok this is my first post and it's a long one! Am I in the wrong?

One of the couples in our group has a little boy (the guy is one of my partners close friends and his gf but we all hang out together) he is 2.5 years old. His mum doesn't like to tell him off (by her own admission because she says he needs to always know she is his friend) and he's really naughty. He laughs if they say he can't have something and always gets it anyway, he hits adults and other children, he will tell you he wants something and if you don't do it immediately or understand and ask him to say it again he will scream, throw things and hit.

She always says she can't keep up with him (he runs around a lot and she's quite big and says she hasn't got the energy) and if we ever do anything as a group she will tell me (not ask, tell) to watch him and she'll go relax! Then if he plays up, I'm not allowed to say anything to him or stop him but I also get the blame if he's naughty!!

Now I've got a 3 month old. She insisted on her and her partner and little boy all coming round to see us the day after we got out of hospital even though I told her we needed a little time as a family and most of our families hadn't met my little girl yet. I had had an emergency c-section and had failed at my attempt at breastfeeding and just in general was exhausted and emotional.

They came round and immediately had to have the TV on CBeebies and turned up really loud to keep their boy happy, they covered our living room floor in toys and told us that they were praying it would keep him entertained. Then they ignored him, he went round our house kicking the walls and stairs. Picking up our belongings and throwing them on the floor and they just left him to it, and when he did come over to them they sent him away and praised him for playing nicely!
When he eventually got bored of tearing up our house he noticed my baby, who was in the arms of my partners mate. He straight away picked up a ball and went to throw it at her, I reached out and grabbed his wrist before he threw it, spun him round to face me, took the ball away and told him "no you can't throw things at her, she is too little, you need to be gentle". He went crazy screaming and hitting me over and over. His mum finally intervened by turning him away and saying she would play with him and how good he was being!

They left soon after but it quite upset me and she text me after saying that my telling him not to throw was needed but she didn't like me telling her son off! I didn't tell him off, I was calm and just put him right! She should have done something about it.

Anyway we saw them again a little while after and I'd had some problems with my section wound splitting opening which they know about, her boy was doing his usual running around hitting people, and he hit me three times in 2 hours in my section scar which caused some bleeding.
We decided not to see them until I was fully healed rather than talk to her about it which we knew would cause a row.
Then she said she was planning to see us at a friends birthday which we had already committed to. So I politely said about the scar and the hitting and bleeding, and that I was going to mention to everyone that I needed to be careful, but would she mind keeping an eye on her son or having a little chat with Him before the event to hopefully make sure it didn't happen again.
I got back texts with torrents of abuse where she didn't deny that her son hit me but said that there was no way a toddler hitting me in my wound would do any damage and that there was no way he had caused it! She said that I am a different person now I've had a baby and I am not allowed to judge her parenting! But I wasn't judging! I just asked her to watch him, which I think is ok because he's her son!!!
Now there is a rift in the group and she says she will never speak to us again. That's ok by me but I don't like the rift and I don't want my partner and his mate to fall out.
The mate rang me and said he agrees with me and that she is just very protective of their son, and if he could get her to apologise could we get over it and I said yes of course.
He just got back in touch with me and said he has done everything he can to get her to apologise and she won't, so if I apologise to her then it might fix the problem.
But I don't want to apologise, I don't think I've done anything wrong, everyone in our group tiptoes around her because she's hot headed and it's not fair!
Should I apologise?
Sorry for the essay

[ColourfulOrangex]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I certainly wouldn't be apologising, I'm glad you are all healed and baby is doing well OP.

If her DP can see the issues with the parenting then he needs to speak up and deal with them

[Believeitornot]

Well the toddler might have wanted to share the ball with your baby.

But aside from that, they sound a nightmare. I wouldn't hesitate in directing the toddler if this was my house. Saying no to a toddler all the time doesn't work - save that for the really serious stuff. But 2 year olds need active management - constant distraction, guidance etc etc to teach them how they should behave.

I would suggest that you see your friend in a public place. But if she tells you to watch her dc, you smile sweetly and say you are busy with your own dc.

[Finola1step]

Don't apologise. Text back with a "Let's leave it there".

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

She sounds horrible and she's doing her child no favours either. Why the hell should you apologise? You have done nothing wrong. High time someone stood up to this twit. You might find that if you hold firm, others follow.

[MrsJayy]

No you don't apologise he was throwing things in your house her parenting sounds feeble however she could be really struggiling. Toddlers are hard work with little understanding of anything.

[FlaviaAlbia]

No, don't apologise! Your partner can meet his friend by himself if he wants.

If you apologise it would be the same as lying down and writing welcome on your back and his behaviour will only get worse as he gets older if his mum is like that. God help him starting school, he'll be miserable and so will the other kids.

[Bluntness100]

I suspect she is being very defensive as you have hit a nerve. To say sorry might mean to her she would have to admit she is in the wrong about her parenting.

I had a friend like this, she was my best friend and had her son before I had my daughter, when he was about two she brought him round and it was awful he ran riot and trod a large packet of crisps into the carpet, then biscuits etc, threw stuff about ,littered and she just sat and laughed. When they left it was carnage and I had to clean up and although we had been best friends for years I couldn't get my head round how she was ok with his behaviour, it was really stressful and although I didn't say anything I'm sure she could probably see I was quite shocked.

I still remember standing in the devastated living room after they left thinking " holy shit" . Kids are messy but this was something else entirely and it did damage the relationship a bit and that was without saying anything. I simply can't understand folks who let their kids run riot with no boundaries and think it's cute.

So I suspect she feels judged as clearly the implication is she doesn't look after her son.

[Isadora2007]

It sounds like it would be nicer for the two males to just keep their friendship going outside of family stuff.

[crazypenguinlady]

Yes YABU. Of course you should apologise to her . "Sorry I didn't let your little terror throw a ball at my newborn baby, that was so mean of me. And I'm sorry my C section scar was in the way f your little demon child or that it caused myself to bleed. He can do it more if he wants because I'm such a horrible person to have not allowed him to hit me harder"

Seriously OP your friend sounds deranged and you are better off without her. But of course her little darling is only expressing himself. If anything, I think your DH should have a word with his friend and if nothing gets dome, he should be putting you and your baby above that friendship.

I hope you're okay and healing well now.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Do NOT apologise.

This friendship is unsustainable, she's not going to change, and her son will get worse.

She'll lose more friends before she takes a look at herself, but that's not your problem.

Congratulations on your new baby

[MummaMinnie]

A wholehearted YANBU from me.

he needs to always know she is his friend No! She needs to understand that she's his mother - quite different. This toddler is not being taught boundaries or consequences and it's not going to get any easier. In fact, by her taking the -lazy- easy path now, it's only going to make life more difficult for herself in the future when she has a much larger child who is throwing things around when he has a tantrum. Her DP sounds like a wet blanket if he can see what's going on and isn't doing anything. Again, he's taking the easy way out.

You shouldn't have to apologise but maybe you could suggest that you draw a line under the situation for now so you can move on.

What do your DP and the other couples think of all this?

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Surely you are actually glad she had gone off in a huff? I bloody would be!! Your house and dc can rest safely again!! She sounds like she needs to just keep her precious snowflake at home. . Where he can wreck it to his little hearts content - and play /slap /hit /kick with his 'mate dm'.
Let dh just have a lads night out or whatever but really no need for you to accept her crap. .

[Catherinebee85]

You must be a saint to have put up with all that.

Definitley do NOT apologise. You'd be sending her the complete wrong message. I'd hold firm and tell her he needs to be taught right from wrong otherwise he's gonna get into all sorts of trouble more and more seriously as he gets older. He'll also have a lack of empathy which is a scary scary thing so the friend she is trying to create will be anything but!

You don't need her as a friend. So unless it means so much to you that you try to agree to put it behind you I'd just walk away and leave your partners to be friends if they want to x

[blueskyinmarch]

She sounds like a nightmare and she is doing her son no favours. I would be very glad she has spurned you. Your partner can just meet his mate on his own from now on and you won’t need to engage with her. If you meet her at social events be polite but distant. Best way i think.

[Anditstartsagain]

YANBU at all I bloody hate this fad for letting kids do as they please 'oh we ignore bad behaviour' while the little shit causes choas then gets a hug and gold start for stopping what they never should have been doing in the first place. I can't be arround these parents especially when your own get old enough to realise little bobby gets what he wants by kicking and screaming and decideds to see if it works for them.

I would tell the partner his girlfriend doesn't need to apologise you are happy to be civil in the group but if their child hurts you or your baby you WILL say something.

[ElleDubloo]

YANBU

I have a toddler and I know they're really hard work. But if mine behaved like your friend's child I'd give him a big fat slap on his bottom. (And I've never ever slapped my child before.)

You should stay well away from her and her toddler, and make it clear they're not welcome in your house anymore.

[Devilishpyjamas]

What would you even apologise for? He may grow up to be a sweet boy (some toddler horrors do) but it's going to be a nightmare for the next year or two before your dd can lamp him back so I'd celebrate the huff TBH.

[Trb17]

YANBU and don't apologise. If you do you are enabling her to continue thinking bad parenting and being rude to friends is ok.

Your DP can see his friend separately but you don't need to be friends with her. Try to see the fallout as getting your freedom from her back. She'll not change so you need to keep your distance.

There's always one in every group that thinks their little snowflake can do no wrong. She's raising an entitled horror and karma will sort that out in the end.

[SavoyCabbage]

It sounds like her dp bears you no ill will so he and your dp can carry on the friendship between them without the rest of their families.

[sparkleandsunshine]

Thanks everyone, you've all made me feel content to just leave the situation as it is, a few replies:
*i don't think he was trying to share the ball, his favourite saying is "my toys" and we had one incident with another friend who was 9month old was playing with something of his and he hit him round the head with a plastic shopping trolley screaming "MY TOYS" and his mum just said "yh he likes his own things" when the 9month old burst into tears.
*My DP has said from the start that it's not acceptable and he doesn't much like her anyway so is happy to just see his mate without either of us, and the other week he was round there's with his mate and she blanked him anyway.

• I'm settled now that I'm not apologising and I am better off without her, I have other friends, and if I'm honest didn't really see her as a friend, just my DPs mates girlfriend.
  But now:
  
• her DP says she is now isolated from the whole group of friends and I should want to do something about that?!
  I don't think I should? I haven't said anything to the group of friends, when she kicked off in her messages to me and said she never wanted to speak to me again she then removed herself from our big friends whatsapp group and deleted me and my DP off fb, she's done that herself, not me!
  
  Also, I just wanted to say, that in my head I judge her parenting quite harshly, I get upset thinking that as my DD grows up she will feel it's incredibly unfair when he is running riot and she isn't allowed to or gets told off. I don't like the thought that her DS will probably hurt my girl at some point, whether through just being rough or jealousy. BUT I would never say that to her, because it's her child and her way, and I'm going to do things my way and I would want her to respect that.
  Basically I was stressing about having to be around her, and now I don't think it will be an issue.
  
  Also, when I spoke to her DP the first thing I said is that I am happy to be civil or just ignore each other if there are group social situations when we are both there. He said he had begged her to apologise, or at least call me and she had point blank refused saying that I should apologise for bullying her son. So as she has refused maybe I should be the bigger person and extend an olive branch to her! I told him no, I think it's settled now

[beekeeper17]

I have a friend who's 2 kids used to run wild, wrecking stuff in other people's houses. She never seemed to notice, or if she did she'd half heartedly tell them off but they didn't pay any attention as she never followed through on anything. I wouldn't let them get away with it at my house and there would be consequences for bad behaviour e.g. no dessert after dinner. They soon learned to behave when they came round and my friend commented that she couldn't understand why they were so good at my house! They're still pretty difficult kids and I have to bite my tongue a lot of the time when I'm with her, but I won't stand for that behaviour when they're with me. Thankfully it didn't cause much upset in our friendship, I think my friend was glad of someone else taking charge sometimes, but I would still have stood my ground if she had been annoyed with me.

I know it's a delicate situation but don't apologise, it says a lot that her DP isn't sticking up for her. She's being defensive because she probably knows deep down that she's responsible for his behaviour but doesn't want to admit it.

[Figgygal]

Based on your update absolutely do not apologise she's isolated herself so stuff her

[Trb17]

Well done OP. It absolutely should not be you to send an olive branch when she was the one who Behaved awfully, allowed her DS to behave awfully and the she had a hissy fit and removed herself from the whatsapp/FB etc. She's clearly childish herself and you're better off without her in your life.

[MiniAlphaBravo]

I think yanbu at all and actually her dp needs to start parenting his son (she isn't by the sounds of it) and standing up to her.... he's probably scared of her though. If you apologize she will make it seem like you'd been bullying her kid, how ridiculous.