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Trying hard to not be resentful

(33 Posts)
Colabottle10 Mon 30-Jan-17 06:36:56

DS is 6 months. A really easy, fun, smiley baby. I've BF from the off and he's been in a Snuzpod next to our bed the whole time.

Sleepwise it's been up and down. Just coming out of the sleep regression stage and he's waking around twice a night. Feeds and goes back to sleep easily.

DH has never woken for nightfeeds. DS will take a bottle of BM but I've never been organised enough to have bottles of it ready for night times.

I'm starting to get resentful of DH. Last night DS woken every hour and was suffering with trapped wind. He woke crying and took a lot of leg cycling, infacol etc etc to get back off to sleep, whereupon he'd wake up again an hour later.

DH says he doesn't hear him. I don't believe him and am starting to be resentful.

We both work hard running our own business, I've had no maternity leave (was working when on hospital having DS) and I'm worn down. I work from home as it's easier for naps etc and DH works at the workshop but I'm so tired.

DH has hinted about DS moving into his own room. I'm reluctant until he's sleeping better as what's the point? It's me getting up all the time and I'm buggered if I'm traipsing across the hall all night.

Rant, rant. Sorry.

How do you stop being resentful?

Writerwannabe83 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:13:24

I can't answer about how to stop being resentful as my DH was really supportive but moving DS into his room made a HUGE difference to his sleep. He was also BF, up maybe 3+ times a night and so like you I thought, "What's the point?" but between moving him and some sleep training (he was 9 months old) his sleep improved dramatically. Obviously the Sleep training helped but I think there's a lot to be said for putting them in their own room.

You have my sympathies OP as feeling exhausted is just awful and makes life seem very miserable at times flowers

PeachBellini123 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:20:33

Why not get some expressed bottles ready now, tell DH you need him to do a night feed and take yourself off to the spare room for the night with some ear plugs?

DorisCyril Mon 30-Jan-17 12:34:03

When my DD was newborn (she's now 2) my DH was extremely helpful. Not so much since she turned around 5months, he conveniently sleeps with his arms as earmuffs and doesn't wake at all.
She generally sleeps through now - only wakes when unwell - but still, I know how you feel. Just say in your head 'it isn't forever, he'll be 18 one day'. That got me through some dark dark 2, 3, 4am mummy baby party's.
I make a joke of it now like 'ahh thanks for getting up with her last night' probably very passive aggressive and sarcastic but hey - if you don't say anything you'll never know.
May I add, I now kinda miss seeing her in the night, just us two, now she doesn't want to sit still for a cuddle.

2014newme Mon 30-Jan-17 12:36:58

Get some bottles ready.
Tell dh you need a night off. Sleep in spare room with ear plugs.
Or just give dh a shove and tell him it's his turn.

Velvian Mon 30-Jan-17 12:42:46

Would you consider bottles of formula for occasional night feeds? DH started this sometimes from 6 months as I found expressing such a faff.

Colabottle10 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:50:10

Thanks for your kind comments. Really good knowing I'm not the only one.

I'm not sure where to start at all with formula, though I'm not anti it.

I will express and tell DH he needs to do a feed tonight.

First time mum, it's all a bit over whelming. Starting to wean too and just feel like I haven't a clue about it all.

Not sure I'm ready for him to move to his own room either.

Feel like a bit of a mess at the moment.

XinnaJane Mon 30-Jan-17 12:51:30

Why are you doing everything? Even if you don't want to do bottles, you could feed and dh could do all the comforting, infacol etc. If he knows it's his responsibility he'll wake up. I would spend a few nights on the sofa/spare room and get dh either to do bottles or bring to you just for feeds.

Moving to own room might also help as they wake less if they can't hear/smell you, but that's a red herring for now - the main thing is, if you're both working you both need to get up at night

2014newme Mon 30-Jan-17 12:52:09

That's because you are exhausted. Give yourself a night off I can't believe you haven't done it before but start now.

DorisCyril Mon 30-Jan-17 12:57:31

If looking to BF during the day and formula at night invest in a perfect prep - some people have concerns but an absolute godsend at night.
Or invest in an electric pump - I genuinely got callouses from a hand pump.

DorisCyril Mon 30-Jan-17 12:58:30

Also - if having separation anxiety, maybe try moving him into his own room and use a video monitor - you can still see him at all times

usernoidea Mon 30-Jan-17 13:00:27

Bloody hell pat yourself on the back that you've made it this far being the only one out of the two of you that's up every night.
I'd exploded at your husband now (and I'm also a new mum to 5ish month whose sleep deprived)
Please get him told! This is a bit easier if you're not as fucking exhausted.....
I do 3 nights on, he does one on (he works, I don't)
Ear plugs in and put your foot down! Congrats for getting this far riding solo! X

Colabottle10 Mon 30-Jan-17 13:03:32

Electric pump - tick
Video monitor - tick
Snuza Hero alarm - tick

I know I sound neurotic don't I.

In the first few weeks when there was lots of crying DH did share the getting up. I found it difficult as my instinct to comfort would kick in but had to fight it to let DH do it.

Then he settled and only woke 2/3 times a night. I'd feed and put him straight back down - not a problem.

Then the sleep regression happened and since the beginning of Dec last year it's been 4/5/6 times in the night. I feed him to sleep (rightly or wrongly) and so found it easier to just do it myself. Last night though I think he must have had colicky wind (hence the infacol) and was up every hour from 11pm. Sometimes I offered boob, others it was a cuddle. I have no real idea what I'm doing if I'm honest.

Will speak to DH about doing a feed tonight and I'll express a bottle ready.

Thanks for listening.

oatybiscuits Mon 30-Jan-17 13:05:45

Erm yes I was resentful and I wasn't working !!! Wake him and let him do the nappy changes and winding. Or take turns and do some bottles. You're in a completely unfair situation. I hope he's doing the cooking and cleaning!! And you call the shots on when to move bedrooms, end of.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 30-Jan-17 13:06:26

I moved my first to his own room at 6 months and he started sleeping through. I had a monitor next to my earlier, so it wasn't that we missed him crying. I think we probably disturbed him and it was quieter in his own space.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 30-Jan-17 13:15:31

Oh OP - it sounds so hard.

My DH moved into the spare room when our EBF baby was 4 months old because co-sleeping was the only way I'd get any sleep but prior to that DH would get up at every night feed to change the nappy and do the winding. He said DS was just as much his baby as mine and that he was going to share all responsibilities.

My son's sleep patterns between 6-9 months were unbearable and I was in a very bleak place. The only way he'd sleep is if he was fed to sleep and he'd be awake 3-4 times every night, sometimes being awake for over an hour, and if a breast feed didn't get him off to sleep I was screwed. I was exhausted and in tears most days from lack of sleep. I used to ring my husband at work and beg him to come home because I couldn't cope and I needed sleep. I was probably getting about 5 hours sleep (broken sleep) in a 24 hour period and I just couldn't continue.

When he was 6-7 months old it wasn't too bad as breast feeding him would get him back to sleep (even though he'd still be up about an hour later) but as he got nearer 8-9 months old the breast feeding didn't work anymore and he'd be awake for hours and hours. Life was awful.

You absolutely need a night off - your husband is being incredibly unfair to you. You need a rest. Get expressing and go and spend the night in the spare room. Everyone has s breaking point and if you don't take care of yourself you're going to hit yours very soon flowers

Scrumptiouscrumpets Mon 30-Jan-17 13:19:22

Have you actually talked to your DH about this? Resentment usually builds when there's a lack of communication. Tell him clearly how you feel, that you feel a mess, that you need a break, basically just tell him what you've been telling a bunch of strangers on the Internet! Then show him where the bottle of Breastmilk is, go to bed and put your ear plugs in. He seems to be the type who prefers to pretend everything's just fine so that he doesn't have to pull his weight, which means you need to be very clear and demanding.

Christmasbaby16 Mon 30-Jan-17 14:38:13

I hope it makes you feel better by saying this but in all honesty I don't think any parent knows what they are doing, they just wing it! Everybody has a bad day/night/week/month but some people darent admit it as they either like to cover over the cracks (then suffer a major melt down!) or pretend to be super parents.....

I have days where I feel like I've cracked this baby business then the next day, BOOM! He throws a curveball and I sit with him wondering what they heck to try next!

If you haven't already, read (when you get a spare minute!!!!) hurrah for gin - it puts it all into perspective. Even if you only manage a page a day, it will bring a smile to your face smile
flowers and cake for you,

Soubriquet Mon 30-Jan-17 14:40:11

My dh didn't hear mine sometimes which is amazing as I'm deaf and I can hear them

But when it's his turn, I nudge him awake and go back to sleep

Caterina99 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:16:25

Probably not hugely helpful, but by 6 months my DS had dropped his night feed, even if he didn't always sleep through, he didn't get fed unless he absolutely wouldn't settle or he was ill. He was fully on formula by then though, which I appreciate is different to bf. I know all babies are individuals, but it's possible he's not really waking up from hunger, but more the comfort of bf to get him back to sleep when he does wake. Sending DH in with a bottle might help break the cycle as well as giving you a break? Also yes my DS slept better in his own room too

Colabottle10 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:41:45

I really do appreciate all your replies.

I have Hurrah For Gin - it's great!

I know I'm just exhausted and everything is worse when you're tired right? I've expressed a bottle - I've no idea how much he drinks, but there's 5 oz there, so that should do at least one feed I'd expect.

DS has been quite unsettled today which is really unlike him - teething is bad again I think - no temp, generally a bit sad and refusing to nap! I think I'm going to get my head down on the sofa for a bit whilst he's strapped into his of him smiling this morning.

Christmasbaby16 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:20:13

Cutie! Enjoy your nap.
Hope you have a better nights rest.

Stuffedshirt Mon 30-Jan-17 16:27:43

DH is taking the piss but you're letting him get away with it. You need to have a frank talk and tell him to pull his weight. Decide exactly what you want him to do and don't back down from it. It's really not fair that you're both working full-time and he's doing sod all.

You will all sleep much better when DS is in his own room, so get that sorted asap.

You have done incredibly well with the BF, give yourself a massive pat on the back for that. You've given your baby the very best start in life. flowers

Christmasbaby16 Tue 31-Jan-17 07:08:25

As opposed to people who can't BF, we have given our babies a bad start to life have we? Wow, thanks!

Stuffedshirt Tue 31-Jan-17 09:11:57

I was addressing the OP, not you. Please don't take offence where none was intended flowers.

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