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I am a 'stressy' person & am finding parenting very hard. Does anyone have any tips for coping better.

(33 Posts)
Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 18:57:51

I have been on a/d's for a while as I struggle with anxiety & low mood.
I'm actually thinking they're not making any difference as I still find parenting really stressful.
I have ds 8 & dd 3. They don't get on well & i am forever trying to break up their quarrels or referee.
DS 8 is being very moody & quite rude at the moment & dd 3.5 is full on demanding. She demands that I play with her constantly, demands snacks and refuses the meals I attempt to make. She cries & stomps if I am firm with her. They are constantly screaming at each other.
I do work p/t and chose this so I can be there for them after school etc however I'm actually finding it so stressful I'm not even enjoying the time we have together.
I do get flustered easily & feel like I have no patience at all. Going to docs tomorrow as I'm sure my bp must me high with it all.

Does anyone else feel the same or does anyone have some advice for dealing with these feelings? I feel so fed up with it all & just want to be able to cope better but I can't seem to.

Bringiton2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 19:03:15

I'm the same. I actually think the stress overrides the ads. I have no advice; just look forward to when both are at school.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 19:07:24

Thank you Bringiton that's an interesting thought, I do think what's the point of me taking them as I still feel crap!
My dd starts school this year, didn't want to wish the time away with her but it's bloody hard work!

Bringiton2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 19:45:55

It isn't very healthy for anyone to be constantly screamed at, splitting up fights, trying to find activities, stressing about all the above happening even during the calm moments. It's just too much to cope with. I'm either dealing with the crappy or anticipating the crap. I constantly think about what the right balance is with working and being home for them. There's no answer I've decided!

I do have hope for the future, but until they're both at school it's going to be relentless. I'm a sahm but still pay for a bit of childcare just to have a break from the demands. It really does lower my mood, then there's the guilt of not enjoying it. I know I'm not a bad person though as dh, grandparents etc all struggle with both of them which makes me feel less bad.

HaveIGotAClue Thu 18-Feb-16 19:50:13

It is easy to give this advice, but not so easy to follow it.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Ignore the little blighters. Time out. Stick your headphones in and let them scream the house down if they like. But look after yourself first.

I used to freak over such tiny things. Like, if she dribbled down her front (full change of clothes required) etc. etc. etc. etc.

It was anxiety-led. When I was treated properly with medication, I could see that NOT EVERYTHING needed to be perfect ALL OF THE TIME.

Best of luck with GP.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 19:50:49

I know what you mean about the guilt of not enjoying it. I'm like a different person at work. Perhaps I'm just not a natural mother. I seem to find all of it so hard.

Esspee Thu 18-Feb-16 19:53:53

I think most of us feel overwhelmed at times with the pressures of parenting. Are you doing this on your own? I notice you don't mention any input from their father.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 19:54:08

Thanks HaveIGotaClue. Would you mind me asking what meds you got? I am permanently anxious and on edge.
I always try & break them up as I can't stand the shouting at each other. I'm not sure if I could ignore it but it's worth a try.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 19:56:20

Esspee no sorry should have said. DH is a great dad but out at work all day. He is much more laid back than me, is not anxious & is good fun, hence they love being with him!

Bringiton2016 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:01:53

I think we need to stop thinking along the lines of natural mother and all the media bullshit. We are mothers and we do our best. Have is right imo. I think that if you have an anxious personality type (me), you can make things harder for yourself. We overthink things and overstress. There's nothing wrong with us not enjoying the kids being little shits, what's enjoyable about their behaviour when they're fighting and demanding?? I reckon I'm going to ensure I have a life for myself outside the home; deal with their bad behaviour; pick my battles; walk away a lot.

And some kids are harder work than others, that is definitely true.

TheBananaFaceOfEvil Thu 18-Feb-16 20:02:21

I'm a bit like this. I'm quite anxious too and suffered from PND when DS1 was a baby. (He's now 5, and DS2 nearly 2.)

I find the Aha Parenting emails by Dr Laura Markham really helpful. It's free to sign up and her approach is very calming and sensible if a bit cheesy. It's all about regulating your own feelings first so you can deal with your kids more calmly. I'm definitely flipping out less since I started reading them.

DustOffYourHighestHopes Thu 18-Feb-16 20:04:49

Yes to: pick your battles, walk away from stuff.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 20:04:59

Thanks Banana I will take a look at that.

HaveIGotAClue Thu 18-Feb-16 20:05:17

I was put on antidepressants OP. The one that works best for me is fluoxetine.

HaveIGotAClue Thu 18-Feb-16 20:06:37

Headphones are the business for the shouting at each other lol.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 20:06:59

HaveIGotAclue thanks that's what I'm on but doesn't seem to be working!

Believeitornot Thu 18-Feb-16 20:07:29

Well there are a few things here:

- you have a big age gap so of course they won't get on a lot of the time
- you have a 3 year old. They're hard work
- you work. Adds to the mental burden
- I bet you do all the "wife work" ie thinking about everything that needs doing for the children and making sure the household keeps on ticking

All of those things alone are enough to drive anyone to insanity.

I have a 6&4 year old and work 4 days a week and a lot of the time i end up telling them off. I put myself unde pressure to be a perfect mum especially because I work. Plus I have all the background worry to contend with (eg school, clothes, food etc).

So I think you need to break down each thing into chunks and work out how to resolve....

HaveIGotAClue Thu 18-Feb-16 20:10:17

I've been on different ones OP. I have also been on Lexapro and one called citalopram (probably not remotely similar to the name!). Just tell the GP, they might adjust or change meds.

Lilipot15 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:12:40

This thread is good for me to see as this morning I burst into tears on my MIL when she told me how "good" my baby is....I had been up for hours with her overnight. She looked blankly at me and said "this is what it's like being a parent". I can't fault her candour but could have done with some kind words.

Xmasbaby11 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:14:04

I am not an anxious person but also find motherhood stressful. Mine are 2 and 4. I can't wait til the older one is at school. All my friends are dreading it and I do feel bad I don't enjoy a lot of the time I have with the dc. They do get on well but just v demanding and I can't switch off for a minute. Sorry I don't have any answers just sympathy!

Lilipot15 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:16:16

Also, I've no idea if the book ends happily, but I'm enjoying a novel called "Night Waking" - recommended on here when I asked for books that deal with the reality of having small children.

Jemster Thu 18-Feb-16 20:17:27

Yes you're right Believeitornot the age gap is tricky as DS has no interest at all in playing with DD.
I was off work today for half term and said we would make cakes. They got as far as trying to put the cake cases in the tray & were arguing so much I said that's it we're not doing it. Meltdowns followed of course and them blaming each other.
Then we had lunch and dd flicked a large amount of tomato soup from her spoon splatting ds on the neck.
More tears followed (mostly mine lol!)

Yes I do all the 'admin' for the family. I find it hard to know what to prioritise in running the home as it all seems important to me.

I also have a joint condition which although is under control can make me more irritable if I'm tired or I'm having a painful day.

HaveIGotAClue Thu 18-Feb-16 20:21:45

Situation 1: Ok - we're drawing lots - who gets to put the cases on the tray and who gets to sieve the flour.

Situation 2: DD - please don't throw your food around. DS - get over yourself, it's just a bit of food. It's not going to harm you.

pettyprudence Thu 18-Feb-16 20:49:46

I have a 5yo & 2yo and could have written your post. I'm not on AD's but sometimes wonder if I should be... but then I think, no, it's just the constant message we get from media, fb, etc... that makes us think parenting is supposed to be wonderful and full of unicorns and rainbows and its bloody not. It's not me, it's them. (FYI not saying that's the case for anyone else on or not on AD's)

I feel torn between upping my hours at work from 2-3 days to 4, but then feel guilty I wont be there for dd and ds. And then I spend all day with them and want to up my hours again. I don't even enjoy my job that much, I just like that my clients are less demanding than my children... and someone makes me a cup of tea.

This week I have decided to tackle the scream fests from the DC because they exhaust me so much I started doing anything I can (ie giving in to them a lot) in order to avoid them. This can't go on and tough mother is back.

Spandexpants007 Thu 18-Feb-16 21:02:45

Can you look on amazon for some parenting books. Best to look at the changes you can make to how you parent

Also look at doing some meditation or similar to help you feel less stressy at stressy moments.

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