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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

1 2

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

AIBU to be totally heartbroken when my DD2 splits up from her boyfriend?

28 replies

kweggie · 04/02/2016 21:53

After 4 years my tempestuous youngest daughter has called time on their relationship,for the time being at least. He is devastated. I am gutted for him, as he called her his 'whole world'. And to be honest I am gutted too.He has become part of the family but I can't see him overcoming the rejection to keep up a relationship with us. I feel totally bereaved . AIBU ?

OP posts:

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Fairylea · 04/02/2016 21:58

Oh god don't do what my mum did and let your dd know how upset you are. You have to support her and let her get on with it. My mum said my now ex dh was "brave" for leaving as he wasn't happy and said how devastated she was as she loved him. I don't think I've ever quite forgiven her. She thought we were really happy. We weren't.

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everdene · 04/02/2016 22:09

I think YABU as you don't know what their relationship was like, really.

My MIL still talks about my DH's ex as though she was his true soulmate and it is quite odd.

I'd just say nothing and leave them to it.

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BertieBotts · 04/02/2016 22:11

Ah bless. I think it's okay to feel sad, it's quite natural, it's not the same as a friend who will probably be slowly dwindling out, it's more of a sudden thing and he has been in your lives for a while.

I agree don't tell her you're sad, be supportive, but it's okay to have a little private grieve I think!

I'm sure you'll see him around now and again.

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ooosaidooo · 05/02/2016 11:33

I think it's another stage we have to go through with out DCs, article in the Telegraph here .

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Costacoffeeplease · 05/02/2016 11:46

YAAbsolutelyBU - it's your daughter's relationship not yours - is she supposed to stay in an unhappy situation so as not to upset you?

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Cel982 · 05/02/2016 11:51

YANBU to feel sad about it, I can completely understand that, but it would be unfair to openly 'grieve' for the relationship. Your daughter shouldn't have to deal with your upset as well as her own, or feel guilty that she has caused you distress.

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mrsnoon · 05/02/2016 11:53

Don't think there's any suggestion of the daughter staying with him just to keep Mum happy is there??
I do think YABU to feel sad about it, as you said he has become part of your family. However your priority and loyalty needs to be with your daughter, my Mum left a note saying how sorry they were when I split with my XH and whilst I understood where she was coming from, I was pretty angry that she wasn't taking my "side".

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mrsnoon · 05/02/2016 11:55

DON'T think YABU!!!
Stupid phone!!

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Baressentials · 05/02/2016 12:07

Yanbu to feel sad about it. YwouldBU to go on to your dd about it. (not suggesting you would) Let it go in private, feel pleased and proud that you have a dd who feels comfortable inviting their partner into your family. Then get ready because this could happen another 2/3/4 times before she settles down even then she could settle down a few times Don't be unwelcome to any new person but your dd is your dd. She should come first as I am sure she does with you.

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Finola1step · 05/02/2016 12:09

Disappointed, a bit sad...both reasonable.
"Totally heartbroken"... Big, fat U.

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Waltermittythesequel · 05/02/2016 12:13

but I can't see him overcoming the rejection to keep up a relationship with us. I feel totally bereaved

Jesus! Back off.

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ForeverLivingMyArse · 05/02/2016 12:15

I can't see him overcoming the rejection to keep up a relationship with us. I feel totally bereaved

This is odd. Wtf?

Why would you even think he'd keep up a relationship with you?

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MrsJayy · 05/02/2016 12:15

Heart broken really he was her boyfriend to break up with you are being far to emotional about this he may have treated her really badly in private IMO you like boyfriends you are nice to them include them but don't clutch them to your busom your DD doesn't need the grief she has just split from him

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Baressentials · 05/02/2016 12:30

How old is your dd? I can kind of understand if she is 35ish and you thought a wedding a grandchildren were on the horizon even then back off but if she is younger then let her be and don't get emotionally involved with her relationships.

As an aside am I the only one with a dc who is 16 and hasn't even thought about a girlfriend yet? I would be welcoming if he did but after talking to friends their sons have had girlfriends who end up texting the mum after they break up - that is alien to me!

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differentnameforthis · 05/02/2016 13:16

The post is about you & your dd's ex...what about your dd? Is she happy now, is this hurting her as much as it is hurting you , what are her reasons...

Any feelings of sadness for her, op?

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OurBlanche · 05/02/2016 13:20

Crikey!

Maybe she found being his 'whole world' suffocating.

In which case you really do need to back off immediately, try supporting her as she makes her own life adjustments.

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Floggingmolly · 05/02/2016 13:22

It is odd that you'd even imagine the possibility that he'd get over his upset enough to remain in contact with you.
He was your dd's partner; however well you may have got on he was never in a relationship with you...

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imwithspud · 05/02/2016 13:26

YANBU, he's been in your lives for a long time. I wouldn't share how your feeling with your DD though, support her and let her get on with it. After all you don't really know what their relationship was like behind closed doors, most people don't just end a long term relationship for no reason.

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Woodhill · 05/02/2016 13:30

No not at all I was devastated when my ED split up with her boyfriends particularly when one dumped her. I was depressed for ages afterwards and tbh it still upsets me as we all move in the same circles.

I thought it was just me who was like this as my mother could not understand it but I think you become so attached to them as they are like part of the family.

It is very tough and ideally you won't let her know how upset you are but realistically it doesn't work in my experience.

It will get better but try and distance yourself if you can. Easier said than done.

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sugar21 · 05/02/2016 13:32

Please do not use the word bereaved. There are so many bereaved parents on Mn (myself included) who have had a child die your dd splitting up with her boyfriend doesn't come close.
That said he was your dds boyfriend so just be supportive.

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Waltermittythesequel · 05/02/2016 13:34

I really, really, really hope I am not this weird over-invested in my dc's relationships.

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Baressentials · 05/02/2016 13:38

How old is your dd op?

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Woodhill · 05/02/2016 13:38

no but it doesn't necessarily affect all your dc. I've never been bothered about the younger ones relationships in the same way. Only ED. It brings back all the crap you may have gone though when you were younger and it can highlight your own disappointments and insecurities.

Everyone reacts to things differently and I would have never expected myself to be like this about the situation.

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MrsJayy · 05/02/2016 14:43

My dd has been with her boyfriend for 6 years they are engaged he is a lovely fella but I couldnt imagine being heartbroken to lose him if they split up

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3WiseWomen · 05/02/2016 14:52

Well I can imagine why you would be gutted and sad if you had established a good relationship with him. It's not beause he is your dd's bf that you can't get close to him too. Just as I am very close to my MIL and seem to be more concerned than DH about the serious surgery she just had .

However, you are and will be your dd'mum first and this is where all your attention should be.
Yes feel sad and etc but please don't show it at all and concentrate on supporting her. She might be 'tempestuous' (which makes me think that in some ways you are holding her responsible...) but she should still come first and not feel judged for her decision.

The other thing is, don't judge her about that relationship and what she should have done etc.. Yes she migt have made mistakes (just as you have done in your onw life) but you probably don't know how their lives were on a day to day basis so really can't comment on it yiswim.