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For those who stopped at two dc but wanted more - does the yearning every go away?

(47 Posts)
upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 13:00:29

Really not sure where to post this but thought I'd try here. I am in my early 40s. I have two gorgeous DC, but was always desperate for just one more. For a variety of reasons, that is definitely not going to happen now. Although I feel so amazingly blessed with my family as it is, and know I have nothing real to complain about, nevertheless I have this constant ache for a third which I just can't explain. Many friends have three (or more!) and I think my sister is likely to as well. Although I will be so delighted for her if so, it is awful to admit that I anticipate feeling horribly and shamefully jealous too. Has anyone else felt this and does it subside, in time? Please tell me it does.

lexyloub Wed 08-Jul-15 13:15:24

Nope my dc3 is now 4 months old best thing I ever did. Early 40s is still plenty of time

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Wed 08-Jul-15 13:17:48

Watching with interest. I think we will go for dc3 despite the expense and the house being too small because we can't imagine ever not wanting a third...

upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 13:17:51

That's really lovely. But very sadly (for me), a third simply isn't a possibility. But thanks for replying.

Lilybensmum1 Wed 08-Jul-15 13:24:02

Hiupside I too felt like you. I have 2 DC and wanted a third DH was a definite no, however I have accepted this and moved on, yes I do sometimes think it would have been nice especially when I see people with a third.

I think of the benefits of my 2 gorgeous DC and we do find it easier as they are getting older, much as I would have loved a third I feel ok with it. The ache does lessen and I accept that my lovely family is us 4.

LadyPlumpington Wed 08-Jul-15 13:24:02

My wish for a third did go away (DS2 is 3yo). I know myself and I know that if I had a third then life would be just too full and I'd feel like I am there for the kids even less than I am now (WOHM, long commute). I simply don't have the mental or physical capacity to cope with a third child, and I also think that DS2 would suffer most from the additional lack of attention (DS1 is an attention vaccuum and DS2 gets sidelined a lot unintentionally). Plus I'm really enjoying the fact that my 2 are both out of nappies, able to feed themselves and more or less decent sleepers. Plus we have actual fun conversations now that don't involve me having to decipher incoherent wailing grin

I did feel a bit jealous last year when the first of our group announced her 3rd pregnancy, but I'm over it now. Much as I'd love to be pregnant and have a newborn again, the intervening bit (from 6mo-3y) is not something I want to repeat.

deplorabelle Wed 08-Jul-15 13:24:40

I'm sorry you've had slightly smug responses from people who have or might have dc3. It hurts.

Technically I have 3 dcs but the first child was stillborn then I went on to have two Dcs (of the opposite sex which is only v slightly relevant)

I've found it gets easier day to day but the yearning comes back in moments of high emotional strain. It helped me that dh got a vasectomy. It wasn't what I wanted but it needed to happen and it gave me a bit of closure

upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 13:29:33

Yes, hurts a little bit! Thanks so much for these lovely replies. I feel guilty for feeling as though our lovely family of four is not quite 'enough'. It's good to hear other people's stories, and so sorry for your loss deplorabelle.

OddBoots Wed 08-Jul-15 13:31:35

Yes. At the time I really wanted more but now mine are 15 and 12 I am so glad we stopped at two.

I know there are benefits to having more siblings but in terms of our physical and emotional resources as parents while also dealing with the other random stuff that life throws two has been just right for us to manage and feel we are doing enough.

lexyloub Wed 08-Jul-15 13:34:17

Upside I don't know your circumstances but if you do feel something is missing have you considered fostering maybe?

upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 13:34:41

Yes, I feel sad that I couldn't give my two more siblings. But they have masses of cousins. I keep telling myself that that is a lovely thing and we should make the most of that.

meglet Wed 08-Jul-15 13:38:01

nope. mine are 8 & 6 and it still feels like someone is missing. it's most odd..

ditavonteesed Wed 08-Jul-15 13:39:10

It still gets me sometimes but for the most part it has gone away, my dc are older though 9 and 11 now and I found it very hard for years.

upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 13:40:01

lexyloub - fostering would be lovely but for similar reasons we couldn't have another, I don't think we could.

meglet, mine are a similar age. Hmmm, maybe this is something we live with.

LadyPlumpington Wed 08-Jul-15 13:42:22

I have plans to start fostering the very minute that my DC are out of the house. DH says we will then have the best amounts of time and energy to dedicate to them.

That is one constructive way to channel the wish to look after someone.

Hadron21 Wed 08-Jul-15 13:42:43

I've learned to live with it. I'm jealous when someone announces a third pregnancy. I'd love one more.
(I've still got the Moses basket and maternity clothes just in case this coil fails)!!

upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 13:47:16

I have to admit, I do know quite a few people who are very happy to have stopped at two. I always want to ask them how on EARTH they can be so certain. I envy them too!

ButtonMoon88 Wed 08-Jul-15 13:51:58

I think the feeling will fade with time. Do you have a big family?
My mom came from a big family and desperately wanted three children it didn't happen, the years passed and she realised two children were enough for her. Try not let it get you down!!

GiantGaspingSatanicCyst Wed 08-Jul-15 13:57:06

Lurking. I am just like you OP, and finding it very painful right now. I'm surprised by the strength of my longing. Hope it does get easier...

Heartofgold25 Wed 08-Jul-15 13:58:17

I desperately wanted a third baby for years and years, and would yearn for a baby and long to cuddle them in the supermarkets. I truly think it was hormones and the clock ticking....rather than actually wanting to do it all over again. I did really enjoy motherhood with both of my dc, so wanted one last go!! I was insanely envious of my sister in law who became pregnant with her second baby and I wished so much I could do it all over again, as happy as I was for them, I just so wished it was me. However I am so glad I didn't...

For one, my dds are older now (10 & 7) and life has become more demanding not less, my husband and I often say thank god we didn't have another baby, what on earth would we do if we had a toddler in the frame as well. We manage well as it is, we are organised and things are good, but we are at our limit. My dd has exams, tons of matches, so many sports and the other one is the same. I simply could not manage to support my dds in the same way if I had a much younger child to consider. Definitely my older two would lose out. I think I would always feel rushed and stressed and harassed, which I hate. I like things the way they are, calm, relaxed and gentle.

My two dds really get on well, I think another baby by now a toddler would have thrown the balance and comfort of our family of four. My two will play for hours and hours on end, because they are similar in age and have grown up together. I am not sure the dynamics would work with a third.

Lastly money. That is my biggest reason. We can provide opportunities and support for our dc as we stand now, if we had another child everything would be watered down again and I hope to support our dds through university, a car etc and eventually help with a house etc. It is going to be very tough for our children to navigate their futures, we want to give them the best possible chance in life.

And on a final note, I turned forty (I know you are older) and the feeling just went away. It just disappeared, I have no idea why. Out of nowhere, so unexpectedly I just did not feel that yearning anymore. It passed. I now see babies and feel none of that at all. I hold my nephew but am always just as glad to give him back. I am sure it is hormonal mostly. I like lie ins, relaxing with my children, travelling to exotic places, taking new opportunities because I have more time. I would say we are really enjoying life now, we are not tired, we are all happy. Why risk it? Just think you will make a very devoted grandmother one day and will have time and energy for all of your little gc and that is something to look forward to one day. For one I make the most of my dd and my family and being able to keep them all safe and well.

FeelingSmurfy Wed 08-Jul-15 13:58:28

I think it depends on the person, a friend of ours had 2 kids and then a hysterectomy at 30, she is 55 now and still broody and sad that she never had the 8 kids she always dreamt of (or at least more than 2) her kids never felt that they weren't good enough though and she dotes on her grandkids

TarquinMoriartyGruntfuttockII Wed 08-Jul-15 14:12:40

We always wanted a family of 4 or 5. Unfortunatley I only had DC1&2 after a lot of years and intervention at 37 and 41 and was told that would be it for us. Twenty two months later DC3 showed his face completely unexpectedly. It's now been 8 years and I am now 50 and I still get the odd yearning for the children that I didn't have. It's not all consuming as it was in the early days, just every now and again something will set me off.

wannaBe Wed 08-Jul-15 14:12:54

Slightly different situation here but was unable to have a second due to fertility issues. For a long time I held the thought of having another baby and refused to start using contraception again even when I had told myself it was never going to happen. Then one day I went away for a week and realised that I wanted to get some of me back, go back to work etc and that the age gap had become too much for another baby. Came back and started using contraception from then on.

Now I am no longer with xh but have a new dp, and although I admit that if I'd been younger I would have wanted more children, there is no longer that longing for a baby iyswim. And I now hear other people's screaming babies in supermarkets and restaurants and think to myself wtf would I want to go back to that. grin

Get a kitten instead. wink although dp is resisting that too grin

upsidedownallday Wed 08-Jul-15 14:15:06

ButtonMoon, Yes, I have a big family (hence all the nieces/nephews, who I adore). I think a big part of this is seeing a big family as my 'model' for what family life is like. My DH is one of two and absolutely does not feel the same. I also think I feel disappointed in myself that perhaps I am not the sort of person I want to be - who can easily cope with three. So it's reconciling the ideal 'me', with the actual 'me.'

Heartofgold, thanks so much for that long reply.

So helpful to read everything here, just lovely to feel that I am not alone in this weird irrational longing.

Heartofgold25 Wed 08-Jul-15 14:21:37

It sounds more like a challenge when you mention that you hope to be the serene mother with lots of children around her, all effortless and grace. Truth of the matter is that is very unlikely to be like that. Modern life does not allow us to run our lives this way any longer.
Definitely you are not alone but then how do you know you will want to stop after three??? Maybe the feeling will never go away and you will need to have more and more babies. Is it void? What is missing now?
I got a puppy and after causing three thousand pounds worth of damage to my house, I did think a baby would have been cheaper and easier smile

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