I don't know what I hope to gain by writing this. I don't want judgement, though I know I deserve it. All I know is I did a horrible thing to my DS tonight and I have concluded that I am a terrible mum to him and I do honestly believe that sometimes, he would be better off without me as his mummy.
DS is 14mo old. He's a lovely, beautiful little chap, everyone says so. He's my first child, me and DH's parents' first grandchild, and, as we are lucky enough to still have some of our grandparents with us, their first great-grandchild. He is basically worshipped by everyone. I do love my DS very dearly. Please don't think that I don't.
I didnt want children. I've never been the nurturing type - never imagined my kids names, never thought about how many I wanted.. just never thought I would have any. My sister was born when I was 11 and I just found her to be annoying and inconvenient as I was just beginning my teen years. I never saw myself as a mum.
But that changed when I met DH 6 years ago, he wanted a family, and I could see myself giving it to him, I thought how lucky a child would be to have him as a father. But when I actually got pregnant, I panicked, all those old not-good-enough feelings came back, and I suffered antenatal depression all through my pregnancy. I couldnt even pick up a pregnancy book. And yes, I know that there are many ladies out there who would love to be in my position at that time and sadly can't be. I'm not a horrible person, and I do know how lucky I am.
As I mentioned, I love my son. He is perfect, he makes me smile every day. But God, I struggle as a mum. I really do. I find it so damn hard. And tonight, I lost it with my poor DS. He's never been a great sleeper, which I have found particularly tough seeing as I work full time. He's been ok of late, but has recently had a cold, and has been cutting a molar tooth, and his sleep has gone to hell. He has screamed for 3 hrs tonight. I have tried everything. Bonjela, teething gel, calprofen, cuddles, rocking, walking up and down the hall... as soon as I lie him down, the screaming is back.. we live with some family, we're trying to save for a house, so my brother is in the room next door yelling at me to make DS be quiet. And I cracked. I put my face right up to DS's and said 'why dont you go to f*ing sleep, you little s**t' took him to my room, and put him down on the bed far harder than I should have. I felt out of control. Thank God my DH came in and took DS away, I dont know what I might have done.
Now I feel wretched. What do I do? I do love him so much. But I resent him. My marriage is awful now. It used to be so happy, but now we spend all our time arguing, we are both so tired. We dont make love anymore. We barely spend any time together. Sometimes all I want to do is watch a DVD and have a glass of wine, and DS always needs me, I dont ever get to take care of me anymore.
If you have read this, thanks for listening to my long, obscenely selfish rant. Please dont judge me too harshly. I dont have anyone I can talk to about this which is why I am posting it here.
I am on anti d's by the way, so I dont think this can be postnatal depression.
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I'm a terrible mother....
40 replies
VickyandAlistair · 23/12/2011 23:01
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