Is there anything wrong with my husband.

[sado]

I have changed name for this posting as I am deeply sad and do not want regulars to think bad of me.

I am in a terrible relationship, my DH is a mean man and makes me so sad. Nothing I ever do is right, he moans about the housework and I suspect that he is cheating on me. He has done so in the past. He slept with my (now ex) best friend. I do not seem to have the strength to do anything about it. When I mention leaving him he laughs at me and tells me he will help me pack. He has not ever raised a finger on me, which is good isn't it. I am sure that if it was not for DD (who he adores) then he would leave me. How do I get him to love me again.

Please do not judge me.

[whymummy]

why do u want this man to love you again?how can you put up with his cheating and being nasty to you?you deserve better my dh is no angel but if he cheated on me hell be out ,kids or not kids,dont let him treat you like this plus your daughter will grow up thinking its ok to lie and cheat and be treated like a doormat,dont stand for it,be strong and leave even if is just temporarily just to teach him a lesson!!
good luck!!

[fairy]

Shouldn't the title read is there anything right with my husband?

I'm not in a position to really help with this as I have never been in this position, but personally if you want to stay with him, and by what you've said I don't understand why other than for your dd, why should you MAKE him love you?

[Demon]

I really feel for you as I have had a couple of relationships like this in the past, one of them violent. Fortunately no children were involved. It's very difficult to give advice in these situations as we do not know all the details. Men like this though tend to enjoy the power that they think they have over their partners. Do you love him? Would he go with you to see a councillor? Have you tried to talk to him about how he makes you feel? Is your relationship worth it or is it over?

[mum2toby]

Oh sado how awful for you, but I've got say what's been said... WHY WOULD YOU WANT THIS MAN?? I suppose love is blind..... deaf and dumb sometimes too!

He is a bully. A sexist, cheating, controlling, manipulative bully. And I think it's only a matter of time before he resorts to violence!!! Get out while you can, he's not worth it. He is abusing you emotionally if not physically. It's not tolerable and there is NO EXCUSE!!!!

[sado]

Wow that was suprising.

We have a lot of history and it is not easy. I cheated 3 months after we got together, I slept with his brother after a row. We were 15 at the time DH is a year older. That was 12 years ago and he seem to keep wanting me to suffer. I know I did wrong, but I was only young.
He does have a lot of good points too. He made me dinner last week and bathed DD twice this week already.

I do love him with all my heart, when drunk he admits he loves me. Part of the problem is that in the past year he has been spending time with his brother and maybe that bought it all back.

I am having a really bad day and things seemed worse today. I am not 100% certain he is cheating so I must give him the benefit of the doubt.


Mum2toby, I guess you are right I am deaf, dumb and blind. I love him and thats it, can not leave him.

[Lindy]

Sado - I am sorry to read your posting, you are in a very difficult situation. I also feel that having been brave enough to 'bare your soul' some of the replies have been very harsh. Who knows why any of us stay in relationships - you asked for support and it is too easy to judge other people's relationships by one's own 'standards'.

Have you thought about counselling for yourself? Not specifically in terms of your marriage but to talk things through with someone independent, who will not be judgemental and will help you to see what options are available to help you move forward and boost your self confidence. Good luck.

[sado]

Hello again.

Well last night I sat down with him and had a lengthy discussion on the state of our relationship. He admitted that he does actually love me, but not as much as he used to. He says I have really changed lots since having DD. He admitted he had cheated on me twice (in 2 years), it was a one-night stand thing and admits that he only did it because "I'm a cold fish in bed" (quote). I feel deeply hurt that he did this, but very happy that he told me.
He last cheated 8 weeks ago and said he felt guilty and wouldn't do it again.

He said when we first met and even before I had DD I used to be all glam and now take no pride in my appearence. I slop about in leg-ins and T'shirts, but I do not see the point in getting all dressed up to deal with a toddler and her painting, food throwing etc etc.

He says I need to imrpove on things for him to stay. If wear a shirt round the house makes him happy, then so be it. He is a good caring father and until my DD is older that is all that matters, he never belittles me infront of her.

Thank-you for reading and some helpful comments.

[prufrock]

sado - sorry but I must be missing something. He cheats on you - twice. So you have to get dressed up? This is not an acceptable situation. You do deserve more than a man who never lifts a finger and is a good caring father. There is nothing wrong with cahnging after you have had a child - in fact, he should have changed along with you.

Please Please Please do not accept his behaviour. You should consider counselling to help you gain the self confidence to demand that he starts treating you properly. You don't have to leave him, but you do need to try to make your relationship more fulfilling for you.

[mum2toby]

I'm sorry sado, but I'm going to be harsh again....

LEAVE HIM!! HE IS A CHEATING PIG. He's blaming you for him cheating, how typical and predictable!! Get rid of him, be strong, you're worth MUCH more.

[cathncait]

Hi Sado
I'm really sorry to hear about your situation it sounds very disheartening for you. You seem to feel that you deserve this kind of treatment but believe me you are worth so much more. If you allow you dh to treat you this way he will continue to do so. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't leave as you can only come to the decision yourself. But you should really, really try to get some counselling for you both. If you want this to work you need to rebuild honesty and trust in your marriage - it won't survive without it! You say he doesn't disrespect you in front of your dd but I think we can sometimes sell our kids short. They notice so much - even just a vibe. It is important that she not grow up thinking that this is how a partnership should be.
I hope this helps. Be strong and do whats right for you. You are important!

[whymummy]

you should see the state of me when im in the house and if youre a cold fish in bed im a dead one but my husband doesnt love me any less or has one night stands so all i`m going to say is
OPEN YOUR EYES!!!

[AnnOnaMouse]

sado, Ive changed my nickname for this posting as well. I think weve got a fair bit in common!

Please everyone, understand where sado is coming from. Divorce is not the answer to everything and Lindy is right about not judging other people's relationships by your own standards. I dont want to be made to feel guilty because I dont walk out on my husband just because he isnt perfect.

sado, I couldnt describe my dh as mean, but he certainly has the upper hand in our relationship. He isnt happy with me and tends to criticise me a lot.
If your dh is criticising you, Id say that is an indication that he does love you.
I havent got time to post more right now, but will try and post again later. Or maybe this is too controversial even for mumsnet, as im sure that my way of dealing with the situation would really annoy some of the people out there who seem to think its not worth staying unless youre the boss or equal boss of the family.

[AnnOnaMouse]

sado, Ive changed my nickname for this posting as well. I think weve got a fair bit in common!

Please everyone, understand where sado is coming from. Divorce is not the answer to everything and Lindy is right about not judging other people's relationships by your own standards. I dont want to be made to feel guilty because I dont walk out on my husband just because he isnt perfect.

sado, I couldnt describe my dh as mean, but he certainly has the upper hand in our relationship. He isnt happy with me and tends to criticise me a lot.
If your dh is criticising you, Id say that is an indication that he does love you.
I havent got time to post more right now, but will try and post again later. Or maybe this is too controversial even for mumsnet, as im sure that my way of dealing with the situation would really annoy some of the people out there who seem to think its not worth staying unless youre the boss or equal boss of the family.

[AnnOnaMouse]

sado actually if you agree, Ill send my email address to mumsnet to forward to you and maybe we could have a private chat. Two disguised regular mumsnetters! I hope we havent just had a catfight on any other thread!!!

[PandaBear]

Sado, I am sorry to hear of your situation and have read others comments. I guess it is easy for people to say "walk out" when they are not facing the situation, but when it is you in that position it is harder to just walk away.

However, I feel that you are blaming yourself for the situation. Firstly what happened in the past happened, you can't change that and you shouldn't still be chastising yourself for it.

As for his comments about you needing to improve things if he is to stay - perhaps you can sit with him and explain that marriage is a two way relationship, you both need to work at it if you want it to survive - you should not have to be the only person making the compromises!!!

You say you love your DH and he loves you, how can he love you when he wants to change you so much?? The only advice I can give you is to remember you are worth more than this - think about what you really want out of life and of how you want your DD to grow up. Is your current situation not teaching her that it is OK for her to be controlled by her man?

Sorry to have gone on but my heart goes out to you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[mum2toby]

Oh dear AnnonaMouse - I don't think constant criticism is in ANY way an indication that the person loves you. They just want to control and change you!! It's all about respect which sado appears to be getting none of. I know it is much easier to say this than actually do it, but WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! This is no way for a dog to be treated never mind the mother of your children.

PS: 'Isn't perfect' is a HUGE understatement here.

[sado]

Thank-you for all you postings.

I read them and thought, he is really not all that bad. I get so emotional and post. I am sure he has a totally different side of the relationship.

We have always had the sort of relationship where we split up a lot and then realise that we can not live without each other. In the past 2 years we have split up 3 times. It has been on those occasions that he has slept with someone else, even though we only split up for a week or so I still feel as though he has let me down.

I only work part-time and he works long hours, I find it very difficult to get motivated and therefore do not do much housework. I have just started medication for depression and I know that is the main reason why we are the way we are.

He came home for lunch and we have had a nice chat, and he was really sweet (bought flowers) and admitted that he hated seeing me down, I was a shadow of the person he fell in love with. Hopefully I can get myself sorted and be more of a loving wife and mother.

Thank-you for your kind replies, I know you all care a great deal, I just re-read my post and realised what I must of sounded life.

Anonamouse, ok, Sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. I do hope if improves for you.

A good catfight never hurt anyone.

[AnnOnaMouse]

mum2toby Ive always thought that it makes mumsnet so much more interesting reading when people put down what they really think instead of bending over backwards to be nice to each other. So i shant hesitate to tell you that i think your last posting is rather shallow and thoughtless.

who do you criticise most to their face? chances are its your children, your dh, your brothers/sisters and other close family. ie the people you care most about.

If theyre not happy with their partner, some men just go and have affairs behind her back, or get a divorce. Others try to let their partner know about it. Theyre only human! often this comes out as criticism.

Criticising someone is not the same as wanting to control them. And if someone does want their much loved spouse to change themselves, that's not automatically wrong either. Ive developed enormously as a person since i married dh, he was the first person who ever loved me enough to bother to put me right about a few things.

Yes, he does boss me around - so what? What's wrong with that? Why is it so taboo to admit on mumsnet that you let your dh be the boss? My self respect doesnt depend on me being boss of any situation.

Ive often noticed people on mumsnet stridently demanding respect from their partners without ever stopping to think about wether or not they deserve any. dh has always given me respect where he thinks i deserve it, but he was strongly critical about my cooking in the early days (which was crap) and about other things like being bad tempered with him. I dont mind that because Im happier now that Ive improved myself.

My mum bosses my dad around, she cant bear to see her daughter not doing the same so she thinks like you that I should divorce. Well sorry guys, Im not going to make my children the product of a broken home just to leave my bossy dh and find someone else who presumably will always treat me with "respect". If I did that, I wouldnt deserve any respect at all in my view. I think its downright wicked to suggest harming my children that way.

Please dont categorise me as a downtrodden little wifie either. as i said, Im a manager at work, used to delegating and being listened to. Im also happy with my difficult dh!

[manna]

sado - my dh & I decided to go to counscelling ( I can't spell!) recently, even thoughmost people think we are perfectly happy, and we have a much better relationship than most, communicate well etc. With a young child and marriage hitting the seven year itch, we though of it as a pro active thing to do - rather like going to the gym to stay trim, rather than sitting on the couch stuffing biscuits until you weigh 24 stone and then going to the gym, if you know what I mean!
We both felt we were in cycles of behaviour which were not the best, and didn't want them to become set in stone as we got older. We also wanted to 'tidy away' some old issues that were done with but never really felt resolved. It has been fantastic - we love the sessions. But, what I thought might benefit you is that it has made me more sure of what I want and do not want, and more able to see the behaviour my husband critisizes in me as not necessarily wrong, just different. The councellor helps you not to judge yourself, and in the process you feel surer of yourself and more in control. What about it? if you are near central London I could e mail you these peoples address - they are a small private charity who do it, and their focus is the strengthening and maintaining the marriage, unless it's all too awful that is, rather than an 'individual rights' platform.

[mum2toby]

AnnOnaMouse - I was in no way attacking you!! But can I ask you something, why did your dh fall in love with you and marry you if all he wanted you to do was change into someone else?

Am I the only person on Mumsnet that thinks that constant criticism is NOT and act of love??

And, for the record, I'm not talking about somebody slagging off your naff cooking!! I'm talking about someone wanting to change your looks, weight, personality....etc and putting you down in the process!

Sado.... take heed!

[Demon]

Sado...do you think that you need to change the way that you look? It is hard when you have had a baby to look after yourself as you did before and it's very easy to let things go when you are depressed. The worst thing is that you don't always see it as you are in a world of your own. Sometimes it takes somebody to point out that you don't look or behave the same (who does though?) for you to notice and then do something about it. I agree when you say though that you don't bother about wearing nice things in the house when you spend most of the day on your knees mopping up pee, vomit, food and other things that need not be mentioned.

So how do you feel about the way that you look?

[Lindy]

AnnOnaMouse - very well written, and good for you for being so frank. Everyone's relationship is so, so different and people stay together for all sorts of reasons (& split up for the most trivial in my opion - I know, I have been divorced). My DH & I are still together despite some very, very difficult times, we went through counselling & it was a big help - I am quite sure a lot of people think I made a mistake staying with my DH but I made a deliberate choice to do so - and for both us to work hard to improve our relationship - I won't say it's perfect (what is?) but I feel it is good and particularly for bringing up our DS.

Mum2toby - you say criticism is wrong (and yes, horrible, unconstructive, spiteful comments are wrong) but remember the 'what irritates you about men' thread - who amongst us would really not criticise our DHs about anything - surely we don't put up with ALL their faults - my DH went through a stage of using very strong language, I can't stand any sort of swearing, so yes, I did 'cricitise' his behaviour & he stopped swearing; my DH isn't happy with the fact that I am seriously overweight, I am sure part of it is because he would like me to look more attractive but also I know he is genuinely concerned for my health. So I don't agree that criticism is naturally 'wrong' - it's when we don't even care enough to criticse that is more serious,IMO.

[Bugsy]

sado, to go right back to your original posting, I think you need to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.
I'm not in the greatest of personal circumstances myself at the moment but I do feel that I have plenty of strength to face up to my situation and deal with it.
Could you bear to take a really long hard look at yourself and think about what you want for the future. It sounds to me as though you are still in love with your dh but that he isn't treating you very well. It is great that he adores your dd, so maybe you could use that to your advantage and ask him to look after her for a few hours at the weekend, while you go off and treat yourself to whatever nice things you can afford for yourself.
At the end of the day, you can't make anyone love you. Maybe counselling would help. It is too early for me to say whether or not it is a positive experience in my own case but others on Mumsnet have found it helpful. Do you think he would go with you?
I wish you all the best with your situation.

[bells2]

I don't think many people would see 'constant' criticism as being positive but I personally think an element of criticism (preferably constructive) is one of the things that we get out of relationships.

I have 2 good friends, one male and one female both in their late 30's who are single and have not had relationships for some time. Time and time again, I notice that their perception of themselves, others and the world in general is coloured by the fact that they clearly don't have anyone to whom they are sufficiently close who gives them an honest appraisal of themselves, their views and so on. I like to think that my DH makes me a better person by pointing out when I am being unreasonable or whatever.

[mum2toby]

I have obviously missed something here!! I was referring to derogatory comments about your appearance, weight,how you are in bed etc.... not someone mentioning that for your health you should lose a few pounds! So I'm not trying to over generalise here!! AND if you look back at sado's comments I don't think anybody can say that those comments from her dh are constructive (eg cheated on her coz she's a 'cold fish' in bed!!!!!! and threatening to leave if she doesn't dress up for him in the house) PLEASE!