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Secret stepson...here's a dilema for you

(33 Posts)
alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 14:28:25

A long story, i'll try to be concise.
Met my husband 13 years ago, he told me he had two daughters dd1 dd2 and was no longer with ex. all true.
He then told me he had a son ds with a different woman, and that she didn,t want him to be involved(she found new partner)..also true.
Dd1 and dd2 unaware of ds existance.
Fell in love, got married, became stepmum to dd1 &dd2, all is good.DH always reluctant to discuss ds, his parents have no knowledge of their grandson.
Several years later i have 2 beautiful girls dd3 and dd4.
DILEMMA....Do i upset the apple cart and tell my girls about their long lost brother?
Don;t like secrets....buried our heads for too long.
This will result in world war 3, but i have the kids interests at heart.
Your thoughts would be appreciated...

ggglimpopo Wed 21-Feb-07 14:29:19

Message withdrawn

edam Wed 21-Feb-07 14:30:57

Agree.

Why do you think World War III is in your kids' interests?

bluejelly Wed 21-Feb-07 14:31:03

I think best left unsaid too.

KezzaG Wed 21-Feb-07 14:33:49

there is not only your family to consider but also the ds. He may be very happy and his world may well be turned upside down if he found out the truth at a time other than that chosen by his mother.

I would not do anything.

shonaspurtle Wed 21-Feb-07 14:34:31

By all means have the conversation with your dh about why you're uncomfortable with your dds not knowing about their brother but it's not your place to tell imo.

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 14:36:00

Understood, and thanks.
We discovered recently on friends reunited that ds had added his name to ours on the list thingy.
I,m scared of all dds response when they know they have been deceived(too strong a word really, i know)

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 14:41:15

Also dh has said that he would like to know him but also is scared of ww3 breaking out,still worried about his parent's feelings.
I know deep down tah it will all just reach whatever conclusion it may, and that 9i should keep quiet. I just wonder if being open at an early stage might help...oh,confused.

beckybrastraps Wed 21-Feb-07 14:46:58

It's a tricky one. I am in a simialr position to your dh's son, in that my biological father has never really been involved in my life, and I was brought up by a different man, my mother's new partner.

I really don't think I would welcome the re-introduction of another 'father'. I've certainly never felt any desire to contact him, or any real curiosity about any further children he may have had.

You think you have your children's best interests at heart, but there is another child involved as well.

Very tricky indeed. And not for you to make a unilateral decision about.

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:22:55

Thanks beckybrastraps,
I guess i'm wrong, can't help but get upset about it though. Keep waiting for this 18 year old lad to knock on the door, i know it's not my place to speak out. Guess i just worry too much.
My mum never new her birth mother until last year. My mum is now 65, and she has always been curious.Her new found brothers and sisters have always known about her,and they say that it was better that way.
It is too late for that now, with us.,Thanks for your advice

sunnysideup Wed 21-Feb-07 15:27:20

I would definitely encourage your DH to tell the children and be open about it.

Why shouldn't he be?

And I think when they find out, as they will somehow one day, they will feel HUGELY betrayed that you and dh didn't tell them.

World war 3 WILL happen at some point by the sounds of this situation UNLESS your dh is open and honest....

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:29:56

That, sunnysideup, is exactly how i feel.
I'm not trying to be selfish, i just would like a happy ending

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:32:12

Dh actually suggested getting in touch with ds and not involving anybode else.....Ostrich syndrome methinks!
I kindly explained that could be a start but eventually we would ALL have to be included.

tigermoth Wed 21-Feb-07 15:32:23

I think you need to let others make the decisions here, hard as it is.

What you could do is ensure your family is easy to trace, so if this son ever wants to find his biological father, the trail will be as easy as possible to follow. If you move address or change phone numbers, try and keep all records updated and keep your correct details on the electoral roll.

An keep the lines of communication open with your dh on this - what he feels now many change as time goes by.

noddyholder Wed 21-Feb-07 15:33:16

I think you should speak to your dh about telling everyone and getting it out in teh open.He is an adult and his parents just have to accept him mistakes (if it was)and all.There could be an excellent outcome aswell as ww3 as your daughters could have a wonderful addition to their lives.He obviously wants some sort of relationship as he added his details on friends reunited.

tigermoth Wed 21-Feb-07 15:34:18

ad, I see your dh has talked about contacting his ds. I think that would be good if he really wants to do this, and just see where it leads to.

tigermoth Wed 21-Feb-07 15:37:21

I wouldn't put a lot of pressure on your dh to reveal all to the rest of the family at this stage - encourage him to contact his son and take things from there.

It is a big step and it may be too much for your dh to make promises as to what happens after, though hopefully if the meeting goes well, you could then encourage your dh to be open to everyone.

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:40:48

I think you are right, i also think that the fact that ds has added himself to the friends reunited thingy is a sure sign that he wants to be contacted, or that he is just curious....it's dh's call isn't it?

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:42:50

Thank you tigermoth...........i think maybe now i know what to think! The chaos in my brain is clearing.

JanH Wed 21-Feb-07 15:48:13

How old is his son and how long ago did your DH last have contact with his mother?

The Friends Reunited thing couldn't be clearer and if your DH doesn't do something the poor boy could be alienated forever - but it is your DH's call for all that.

Hope the outcome is a bit better than WW3 though

Good luck

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:49:13

Oh, and thanks noddyholder, i don't understand why dh is scared of his mother,(well,maybe i do)but thats another issue.
She wqill be terribly upset, he will just have to bite the bullet when the time is right.

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 15:53:24

janh,his son is 18, we live in a different county now, but back then i actually worked with his mother, and grandfather, and met ds {he must have been about 4)without realising that i would marry the boys father much later. DH last visited ds when he was about 14 months. He saw him once at a kids world and it knocked him for six.

Freckle Wed 21-Feb-07 16:07:09

Why would there be WW3?? Is it dh's parents who would create because they've been kept in the dark? They are bound to find out sooner or later, not least if the son turns up out of the blue - and they would be far more hurt if that is the first they know about it.

Also your dh is asking you to be complicit in keeping this information from his parents and your dds. Whilst I agree that it really isn't your place to tell people, I do think you should encourage your dh to tell. Both he and the boy seem to want to acknowledge the relationship. Surely it has to be best all round.

BarbieLovesKen Wed 21-Feb-07 16:19:18

Hello,

Have'nt read all the posts so forgive me if im repeating anything!!.

I think it depends on the age of the girls, if you do decide to tell them, be careful to plan and put it delicately - I have 2 step sisters and a step brother and a possible 4th and a full brother - all of whom I have never met. I have'nt seen my father since I was 2.5, I was 8 when my mother told me all this and to be honest it was very difficult to understand at that age and I found it as a bit of an overload (but then she had a bit more news to break than yourselves) BUT having said that, in ways I have appreciated that I was always told the truth and I probably would have felt let down if I had found out now that I had all these brothers and sisters and noone told me... it wouldnt be fair!!

So, I suppose I would tell them.. trust your instincts, you know your kids best (and how sensitive they may or may not be), explain appropriate to age, and although it may be difficult for you and your dh be willing to let them ask all the questions they want (which may include why did you do this daddy? - so he needs to be prepare to deal with this)

Which would be worse to explain now, while they are young and more acceptable (although it will be hard) or in years, if he shows up and then you will have to explain what happened and also explain why you kept this from them and how you possibley prevented them forming a relationship with their own brother...

sorry long... hope this all works out!!

alcyone Wed 21-Feb-07 16:51:54

One thing i have realised today is that dh has to make the descision, i must admit i was quite startled by the first few responses but i suppose if it were my child i wouldn't want him making the descisions.
Thanks to the last 2 posts, my dds nare 6 and 8 and i think when the time comes they will be ok...they have the benefit of having stepsisters, they understand the whole 'daddy loved a different woman' thing.
I fear for the stepgirls 19 and 16, they will do the maths and won't be impressed.
Whatever happens there will be heartache and tears for a while, but i do agree tat sooner is better than later.

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