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Do you feel like you have damaged your child and are bad mother if....

95 replies

mummylovesus · 15/05/2006 14:57

you have a baby who cries all the time, you pick him up that second but no amount of cuddling and loving seems to settle him, he is awake for hours at night and you are emotionally and physically at the end of your tether because your baby just keeps crying?

OP posts:

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SenoraPostrophe · 15/05/2006 15:00

don't blame you for being at the end of your tether.

but if cuddles don't help then there's something wrong: could just be colic (in which case a rocking chair may help) or could be something else. if he really is crying all the time and you know he's not hungry etc then i would take him to a doctor.

SenoraPostrophe · 15/05/2006 15:01

don't think you've damaged him either, btw. and neither would I think that if you didn't pick him up "that second" every time. go easy on yourself.

welshmum · 15/05/2006 15:03

how old is your baby? and what have you tried already to soothe him?

Filyjonk · 15/05/2006 15:03

yes

dd was like this.

its bloody awful and can only send hugs.

She's now 10 months and lovely. So no, she wasn't damaged but it felt like she was at the time, she cried so much and so constantly.

Post more, there might be practical suggestions to calm your baby (like using a sling, that really works well for some babies).

Are you getting any break at all from this?

It sounds like you are doing fantastically well to keep going at all, tbh.

LeahE · 15/05/2006 15:04

No, you sound like a good mother to me. How old is your ds?

mummylovesus · 15/05/2006 15:05

SenoraPostrophe, thank you for your reply but I suppose my post is being sarcastic atm because I'm sick of how mothers are being made to feel on mn just!! Because there are babies and mothers out there like that and I just wanted to know if leaving your baby to settle themselves would be as damaging as babies that just cry all day!! (like my nephew did)

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 15:06

ds was like this..I just persevered with loving and caring..

mummylovesus · 15/05/2006 15:06

guys I'm sorry thanks for the kind replies that you would offer a mother in this situation

OP posts:

morningpaper · 15/05/2006 15:06

Ah sorry to hear this, the first four months are SHIT

mummylovesus · 15/05/2006 15:07

but my question is do you think that this crying all the time will have damaged them

OP posts:

Wordsmith · 15/05/2006 15:08

In a word, no.
In 2 words, absolutely not.

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 15:11

an inconsolable baby is very traumatic for the whole family. It is very difficult to care for other tiny children as in our case ds was the youngest and i had three preschool. It creates feelings of guilt and depression and tension not being able to make a baby happy.

SenoraPostrophe · 15/05/2006 15:17

if you wanted to argue about controlled crying, why didn't you just say so?

don't think cc is damaging myself, but I know that those that do think so would say that a baby crying because he think's he's been "abandoned" is a very different thing to a baby that just cries all the time.

Filyjonk · 15/05/2006 15:17

ah, in that case

no, you should try to respond when they cry, they are trying to commuicate. Just as you would try to respond to your partner if he was talking to you. Sometimes you will be tired or drained, thats a sign that you need to recharge, but you should always try to keep comminication open with kids imo.

what you should not do is punish them, physically or emotionally, for crying.

I always like to remember that one day I might be old and helpless with my kids looking after me. what ideas do I want them to have about caring for helpless people?

And I have had a baby who cried constantly. She wanted to be near me and couldn't always-she has an older brother. Quite reasonable really. A sling worked better than a sealed room, I always found.

Dior · 15/05/2006 15:21

SP - do you actually mean CC? That is where you leave the child for 1 minute the first time, check on them, then two minutes, etc etc? I did this with ds when he was 8 months, because he had got into the habit of waking three times a night for a feed, when he didn't actually need any milk. I don't think it is the same as the sort of thing that 'you know who' recommends. The former is not damaging because you are still going in to the child, which reassures them that you haven't left them.

Filyjonk · 15/05/2006 15:23

don't get this.

Are we talking about a specific baby or are we veering into a debate on the merits of CC?

Dior · 15/05/2006 15:23

The latter I think...

Filyjonk · 15/05/2006 15:25

Ah.

Is that wise?

We are all mummies (and daddies) who love our kids very much.

Some of us parent one way and some parent another.

Shouldn't that be enough?

Have some flowers there, mlu.

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 15:26

I don't know tbh I think it's a gf reference..but answered any way..I know op a gfer

Dior · 15/05/2006 15:26

No, I think I might parp myself!

SenoraPostrophe · 15/05/2006 15:26

dior - I'm afraid to say that method is exactly the one advocated by Gina Ford (and yes, she is sometimes misreported on that).

LIke I say, I am not anti-controlled crying but felt i had to point out that it is not comparable to a baby that cries all the time in any case. I am very fair minded like that.

Dior · 15/05/2006 15:30

Controlled Crying is a method by someone else. Christopher someone...?

Funnily enough, when ds wouldn't sleep through at 8 months, it was highly recommended by a lot of people. Only for babies over 6 months old though, so I don't think it can be the same as the GF one. Babies over 6 months were supposed to be able to get enough food in the day to carry them through the nght.

I certainly would not have left ds to cry non-stop for 3 hours, as someone on the GF thread posted. I can't honestly believe that we are talking about the same thing.

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Dior · 15/05/2006 15:31

But I am happy to be corrected .

As I say, I would never have left ds to scream. It's funny that things recommended one year become the worst faux-pas ever the next (rather like weaning at 4 months was advocated when ds was a baby!)

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 15:32

Richard Ferber american initiated controlled crying in 1978 I think. For babies over 6 months..he has a revised edition of his book out this month

Dior · 15/05/2006 15:33

Thanks Z! Ferber it was...thought I was going mad, or else had been conned into being a GF mother!

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