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what happens if...

(36 Posts)
teafortwo Wed 21-Jan-09 21:05:59

You love having one child.... you cherish and love your child dearly think being a Mum or Dad is simply lovely, just great and oh so so so much FUUUUUUUN!!!! You feel well - infact really well with life.

BUT

Everyone around you would love you to have more and thinks you would too.... they loosely drop hints here and there and you even get big tender and loving statements about it that make you want to cry now and then.

DH, MIL, Mum, friends, your own siblings, SIL and maybe even your dd or ds themselves?

I am asking because now dd is nearly three this is starting to happen to me - and it all feels a bit strange - I remember some mners mentioning these type of conversations before but I didn't take them in at the time. I wouldn't mind hearing a few experiences and stories on the subject.

PuzzleRocks Wed 21-Jan-09 21:39:40

Bumping for you.

teafortwo Wed 21-Jan-09 21:57:49

thanks, puzzlerocks!

cmotdibbler Wed 21-Jan-09 22:05:03

We get it fairly frequently - the inlaw family and my colleagues especially. And actually today, DS had been going on about his brother and sister (very weird, he named them as a brother and sister in his class), and when I said to the nursery nurse about it, she immediatly started asking DS if he wanted a brother and sister etc.

I have a three step answer - no, we aren't planning on that (little laugh); no, that isn't an option (stern); no, we lost three babies and don't want to do that again. The last usually stops even the rudest. DH starts with no, we can't afford the carbon offsetting, and then uses the others

boccadellaverita Wed 21-Jan-09 22:06:16

Hello, tea.

I think this is one of those situations where it does make a difference whether you're a parent of one by choice or (for want of a better word) necessity. Broadly speaking, if you want to affirm your decision to have one child, I think your choices are (it would be helpful to have a flowchart here):

One child by choice ~

Option 1 (Laugh it off): Oh, no thank you. We're so happy as we are.
Option 2 (Impatient): Oh do butt out, mother/sibling/best friend, we are totally happy with our choice.

One child by necessity ~
Option 1 (Brush it off): Oh that would be lovely, wouldn't it? But it's never going to happen.
Option 2 (Shame then out of it): Oh, that would be lovely, but sadly the injuries I sustained while climbing the Eiger without oxygen mean I can't have any more children.
Option 3 (Embarrass them out of it): Have you seen the state of my Fallopian tubes?

That is not an exhaustive list. But, in all seriousness, if hints are being dropped by a partner rather than other relatives or friends, then I think there are some deeper issues which need to be explored - especially if each partner has different views about whether to have another baby (and that probably applies just as much when the issue is about having a third or fourth baby).

Tea - What is the issue here? Why are you feeling strange? Is it because you feel you're being ganged up on, or are you now coming round to the idea of having a second baby?

boccadellaverita Wed 21-Jan-09 22:10:07

Cmot - I'm a bit scared to use the carbon off-setting one, but I think it's valid!

cmotdibbler Wed 21-Jan-09 22:17:55

He chose it as a very light hearted diversionary tactic as he is a bit prone to being rude to people who pry

I missed that your DH was hinting Tea - in that case it would be serious sit down time to talk about it imo

boccadellaverita Wed 21-Jan-09 22:25:59

Cmot - Yes, but he is on to something. I defend anybody's right to have six children if that is their choice, but for the sake of the planet it's a good thing that that is not a common choice.

teafortwo Wed 21-Jan-09 22:30:41

Ooooh - Bocca - Good question. Why is it feeling strange - looks deep into the depths of T42s soul!?!

I suppose I feel strange because dh joined the other camp - actually no... to be more precise he moved into no mans land.

He said "I love our family as it is but I think one day I might also love having at least one more child. If you want to at any stage, completely your choice - just say and we will try." I suppose if he was agreeing with me 100% I would be able to put up with the others and wouldn't feel the weight of the decision so heavily!

boccadellaverita Wed 21-Jan-09 22:42:59

Sorry, tea, didn't mean to force you to lay bare the inner workings of your soul. I think I was just trying to guess what might be happening in there!

To me, what Teachap said sounds rather lovely. The way it comes across to me (and, of course, I wasn't there and he's not my chap and I'm not you) is that he hasn't so much moved into no man's land as opened the gate and told you that you're free to wander in there (or not) as you choose. That sounds very supportive to me but I can see that the very mention of this previously out-of-bounds territory must be quite unsettling.

Whatever you eventually decide, here's a <<supportive pat on arm>>

teafortwo Wed 21-Jan-09 23:26:37

Funny - when something has been knocking around in your head for a while then you publish that thought on mn - it doesn't seem that big a deal anymore.

I think I am also at the mo, finding myself in these converastions more than before; and more than perhaps in 2years time because dd is around the age where second children start arriving so people naturally ask and couples naturally discuss these things too! It is logical, really!

Thanks! grin

boccadellaverita Wed 21-Jan-09 23:30:43

Yes, it does happen most often when the first/only child is about 2 or 3 and the second babies start arriving. Now that BabyBocca is 7 and I'm 73, people no longer comment or ask!

wink

daisy99divine Thu 22-Jan-09 00:13:30

Hello Tea, I am trying to catch up with the TeaRoom but wanted to answer you

I think Wise Bocca and Sensible Cmot have mostly answered the issue/ raised the debate

I think the first point is whether you are 1 by choice or (as Bocca nicely says) necessity because if the latter you are probably sensitive to these kind of questions in a quite different way

The second point is whether you view you DH's statement as supportive or not. While I think Bocca's assessment is lovely, if my DH said this to me I would be really troubled. But that is because we are one child by very severe and heart rending necessity so, for me if he started to say "what about another" I would have to wonder if he remembered how ghastly the 6 years before DaisyBoy came along really were....

Do I suppose you need to be clear where you stand before answering the question, which may of course be the whole point...

Now, that wasn't very helpful was it! grin

Racingsnake Thu 22-Jan-09 05:18:51

Hi, Tea. Nothing constructive to add really, just wanted to answer. As WS is now two, all her friends now have siblings/imminent siblings.

I feel very isolated and constant enquiries don't help. I like Bocca's answers (I tend to use number 1 and since I actually am 73 few people go further) but am totally in agreement with CMOTChap about irresponsiblility of overloading the struggling world.

Have you a lot of contact with little babies? I find that when I get given them to hold I am mildly interested but perfectly happy to give them back. Quite a relief after how stricken I felt when all these friends were pregnant.

I am actually totally happy and in love with WS and in my saner moments wonder why on earth would I want to fix something that ain't broke.

I also used to tell people at school that I had fictional brothers, but I didn't actually want them. I just liked exploring ideas. (I actually had a younger sister who in no way improved my childhood, which sounds very hostile and negative, but is not, just a fact.)

daisy99divine Thu 22-Jan-09 11:14:26

Racing, it's funny isn't it, I feel pangs when I hear people are pregnant rather than wanting to keep the babies that later arrive grin

Just found out another friend is having another... [sigh] it doesn't get easier

But for me that is so related to the "one child by necessity" factor that it might not apply to Tea....

Gunnerbean Thu 22-Jan-09 11:33:55

I actually think that situations/conversations like this should crystalise your thoughts for you.

I have one child by choice and this scenario would most definitely cause me to laugh it off with the "not us, no thanks" approach. If people were to challenge me, it would then mor than likely make me cross that people were challenging my right to make my own choices in life, or were disapproving of my choices when they had no business whatsoever to do so.

What it would never do is get me biting my lip and looking upwards (in a thought bubble appearing above my head type way) and thinking "do you know what, maybe they're right".

I think that if after these types of conversations you find yourself doing this, or mulling it over and over in your mind in the dead of night, then the chances are you do have it in you to want more children.

In these circumstances, I think people should always listen to their gut instincts.

As I've said many, many times on this board now; there is a saying which says that people never regret the things they do, only the things they didn't do.

Incidentially, I actually think that saying is right when it applies to deciding whether or not to have more children but not when it comes to crashing your car and wishing you'd never taken that particular route home! (IFSWIM)

boccadellaverita Thu 22-Jan-09 12:44:26

I should have said that my assessment of Teachap’s remarks was based on the assumption that the decision to have one child was completely free and unfettered by any fertility problems, ante- or post-natal health issues etc etc. In other words, that reversing that decision would be (comparatively, at least) straightforward. I agree that if the original decision was not so freely or easily made – and if having a second baby therefore entails more than just a change of mind but overcoming (say) health issues – then that is a very different situation.

That is why I think that - in this sort of scenario - the distinction between one by choice and one by necessity is relevant. If the partner of a mother of one by necessity is saying 'let's have another' that does raise a lot of questions and it really is time to talk.

teafortwo Thu 22-Jan-09 20:53:28

Well - your first idea was right Bocca. Due to odd hormones it was thought I would have problems conceiving and I don't know maybe if I tried in the future I would. But, actually dd arrived very easily, when I was pregnant and breast feeding I was the healthiest I have ever felt in my adulthood and birth and post pregnancy was just fine. Teachap beerfortwo saying what he said was very warm and lovely - it made me cry! But if for example cmotchap said the same words- Which we all know he never ever would - he'd have the whole tearoom to deal with!!! [united emotion]

I absolutely am head over heels in love with having one child, perhaps because like rs - I really dislike being one of two children so wouldn't want it for dd and cannot afford, am too emotional, don't have the organisation skills or willpower to have a large family!

For me one is simply perfect but... when everyone says "You are being brave" and "I think if I were you I would have another" etc etc I worry that I am, in my decision, somehow letting everyone down esp milk and beer.

I started this thread because I thought there might be someone out there who feels like this too. But maybe it is just me - sad haaa haaa - see I told you I am really too emotional - grin!!!

Racingsnake Thu 22-Jan-09 20:59:10

What I really mean to say, Tea, is DON'T DO IT. DON'T GO OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE. I NEED YOU ALL BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANY MUMS OF ONE IN RL AND IT IS VERY LONELY.

But that would not be helpful and would be extremely selfish, so I would never dream of saying it.

teafortwo Thu 22-Jan-09 21:16:35

Well - right now I don't want another baby - it is just odd when everyone I speak to wants me to and thinks I should - It made me think "Can I really be so wrong about something that feels so right" (sorry - that sounds a little like a teeny bopper song title - but it is getting late in the day!)!!!

<<... wonders off to the livingroom tearoom to watch "rouge" with dh.>>

cmotdibbler Thu 22-Jan-09 21:25:25

We were in the car earlier, and Steve Wright had a factoid thing that women of childbearing age were programmed to find babies cute and want to cuddle them etc. I never have the least urge to pick up other peoples babies, and rarely go Aah either. I think I am weird though.

I note that when we were married and childfree by choice, everyone thought we should have a baby. When we were living together, everyone thought we should get married. And certainly no one else thinks we should move sides of the country every 5 years.. What I'm trying to say is that generally, everyone projects their wants and aspirations onto others, and thinks that what would make them happy will make you happy too iyswim

CMOTChap assures me that he would never say such a thing - he is too scared by the tea room !

amandathepanda Thu 22-Jan-09 21:35:16

Tea - if everyone was telling you you should jump off a cliff, would you? NO! So don't go over to the dark side - we need you here smile

squeaver Thu 22-Jan-09 22:24:27

Tf2 - saw this thread last night but couldn't reply (too much wine making me sleepy).

Glad to see you're felling better about it today. I was a wee bit concerned about what beerfortwo was saying but I agree with Bocca, I actually think he's being supportive.

Fwiw, I definitely noticed a rise in nosy discreet enquiries when dd was around 2 and everyone else was pg again. And then they faded away again.

Eventually people get the message. Every so often I still get asked "are you going to have any more?" and now I just reply "no".

boccadellaverita Thu 22-Jan-09 23:07:50

<<Waves at squeaver>>

Racingsnake - You'll always have me as a fellow mum of one!

<<Gesture of solidarity>>

teafortwo Thu 22-Jan-09 23:52:56

Funny - I was telling Beerfortwo about this thread. He said "Tea, you think you have lots of problems and concerns - but in my eyes you have one. Confidence - If you believed in yourself your ideas, your own conclusions you wouldn't be having that conversation." I suppose he is right! I have put lots of careful thought and seriously judged my pwn feelings and I should believe in my decision.

Thanks for this great convo about being a parent of one child!!!!

<<all women throw facinators high in the air and pass round champagne glasses to celebrate a positive chat about one child families!>>

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