Fear of losing an only child

[Jmommy]

I’m currently a mum for one child and while we will likely try for a second, I’m not 100% sure about it. I recently had a surprise bfp and then a miscarriage. While I thought I was pregnant I had all kinds of worries about having a second one, despite being happy about my bfp (after longish ttc for #1). Since I miscarried I do feel a bit like I have a chance to reconsider.

I have found life with my DS happy but also tiring. I’m strongly an introvert and (would) enjoy quiet time alone doing nothing particular. Good night sleep has been also important to me, and I find it hard not to get that. I also have some plans to retrain myself to a new profession. And all kinds of other reasons why life with one would simply be much easier. Like I don’t drive a car, and getting places with one child is still relatively easy on public transport, but with two?

Nevertheless, I still feel like at the end having a sibling would probably be worth all the trouble and a lovely thing. But what I really wanted to write about is that I have also fears of what if something horrible happens and we lose our only. Of course the other child would never be a “backup”, and I realize now that should I lose my lovely DS, existence of another child would not make it any less horrible. But still. This really is a factor for me when considering #2.

Have others been pondering about this? Or have you managed to get rid of such thoughts as irrational?

[xTinkerhellx]

So although knowing that DC2 is not a replacement in the event you (God forbid) losee DS1, you want to have DC2 as a back up?

Thats a...different way of looking at things.

[PotteringAlong]

No, you’re right. If my DS1 died it would all be fine and dandy because the other 2 would do the job just nicely...

[Goldwispa]

I know where you're coming from with worrying if you lost your only child. I had those thoughts too. I was happy with one child, life was good. After 9 years I decided to have another child, I'm glad I did , I love them both so much, but life is more tiring and a little busier but I'm glad I did it

[LauraMipsum]

I know what you mean OP. I worry about this and find myself dwelling on the 'what if' of somehow losing my child or losing the closeness of that relationship - to rejection, or to MH breakdown, or to serious illness or injury, all sorts of possibilities in the darkest parts of my brain - but I am prone to anxiety. It's not coming from a rational place, it falls into the 'intrusive thoughts' category.

I tell myself that another child will not cure my intrusive thoughts, it will just give me another one to worry about!

[Jmommy]

Well, not exactly like that @xTinkerhellx. Maybe I wasn’t clear in my post, as I consider myself these thoughts as irrational and realize perfectly well that having another one absolutely wouldn’t make losing a child any easier. Nor would any child ever feel like a backup. Of course not! But that doesn’t mean that having such fears and thoughts is so weird, does it? I doubt I’m the only parent of one child who has ever had these thoughts. Or am I?

[FernBritanica]

I know where you're coming from OP. People who have lost a child often say that they basically only go on living for the sake of the child that's left - but what if there is no child left

No answer for you I'm afraid. I'm expecting no 1🤞and that will probably be it for me due to circumstances I can't change.

[probablynotrelevant]

I have the same fears, but I know that I simply could not live any longer without my child in this world, so it would be the end of me too.

[alltalknobaby]

I get it and I think one PP put it well when they said you hear the parents say they go on living for the remaining child(ren). I have often worried about this (and am prone to intrusive thoughts and anxiety too). However I realised the other day that due to your child’s pain being 1,000,000 worse than your own, not only would you have your own pain and loss to deal with but you’d also suffocate under the weight of the other child’s pain and loss of their sibling. That balances it out for me. So you may be weird but I think I just out weirded you

[Robs20]

My only child died and my life lost purpose as I am no longer a mum (on a day to day basis anyway - I still like to think of myself as a mum). I wish I had other children as a distraction - lots of people I have met in the same position say their other child/ children helps them get through each day.

[FernBritanica]

I'm so sorry Robs20.

[Alsoco]

I completely understand but from the other side of the fence. I am an only child and am constantly worrying about leaving my parents childless if something happens to me. They’re in their early 50s and not able to have another child now, not that they had much luck conceiving after me bless them. I worry about leaving them more than I do my husband as he can replace me 😂 I love being an only child but I do worry about leaving them

[Bluerussian]

I have an only child, I originally intended to have more but, due to some circumstances, when he was four I made a definite decision not to and I haven't regretted it. He always had plenty of friends, still does and has enjoyed a good life so far.

If his father and I had lost him of course we'd have been devastated but at least we'd have experienced parenthood with a great child which some couples never do despite desperately wanting to. I have to say I ave never thought about him dying before me; if he did (awful thought),I I would still be glad I had only one child but why dwell on something that may never happen?

[RogueV]

I had similar thoughts too especially as I suffered a stillbirth, the thought of losing a child is always there

[raskolnikova]

I also get where you're coming from OP. I don't really know what the answer is.

I tell myself that another child will not cure my intrusive thoughts, it will just give me another one to worry about!

^I imagine this would be true in my case too.

[purpleme12]

Yes I get what you're saying as well. My child is the most important thing in life. And if I didn't have her I wouldn't have a lot.

[Vinosaurus]

I totally get it - for those of you that don't, it's not because another child would be a backup - it's because if you lose your only child you are not only suffering the devastating loss of them, but you are also losing your identity as a mother (although, of course once a mother always a mother, but that's hard for a grieving mother of an only child to accept).

[lboogy]

I have this fear too. Conceived D.C. through ivf so they are extra special to me. D.C. is all I live for. I'm not sure I'd cope if something happened. I'm going back for hopefully a successful round in June.

[ifigoup]

Irrational or not, I feel exactly the same way as the OP.

[Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies]

In my generation there were 10 children (both sides of my family). Three died (completely unrelated deaths) before the age of 35. I definitely think this influenced my decision to have four children. I suppose (horrible thought) I was ensuring there were a few spares if the worst happens.

[ukgift2016]

I know what you mean. I have an only, I worry when she's older she may go off to live abroad. I think if I had a second then at least I have one living near me. It is irrational thoughts but I think pretty common way to think.

[gaffamate]

I had my second as a back up, but a back up for us. With weak ties to cousins and elderly grandparents I was terrified that my DD would end up alone with no family, or worse - caring for me with dementia (it's on our family) on her own with no support. While I can't guarantee DS would support her if this happened, it makes me feel at least she has someone

[Mummyshark2018]

My one dc was much longed for after being conceived via ivf. Can't have anymore.

I have heard people using the argument - but what if something happened to your only dc?? Well quite frankly if anything happened to them my life as I know it would be over. I wouldn't want to have to continue to live the same life ( work, school runs etc) for the sake of another child (if that was one of the reasons why you had them in the first place) because you have to.

I'd do something completely different with my life- sell my house, travel, create a new life, whilst always loving and remembering my dc. That's just my take on it though!

[meow1989]

I actually have the opposite thought on this - I don't think I could have a dc2 because if something (god forbid) happened to ds, I wouldnt want to continue.

[Jmommy]

Thank you for your comments, it’s nice to know it’s not just me thinking of this. I’m so sorry for your loss @Robs20, there’s nothing really to say. You will of course always be a mum.
Obviously this isn’t the deciding factor regarding whether or not to have more kids. But it’s one of the several things to consider. It really is every parent’s worst nightmare to lose a child, and in many cases I believe it is still a bit worse if that child was an only. Already during my pregnancy I was afraid of stillbirth, and always counting movements twice a day (as if that prevented it). I think due to long ttc I was afraid I wouldn’t get to be a mum after all. After DS was born it was sids I worried about. Now that he’s 1yo I don’t actively worry in my daily life about losing him, but guess u never escape those thoughts completely.

[acquiescence]

My second child died recently. I’m on this part of the forum to try to see some positives about the idea of my other child now being an only. It’s not what we wanted or planned. I don’t know how I would be getting though this without my other child. I think the concerns are rational.

No one likes to think that a child can die, but they can, although this is of course very unlikely. The fact that no one talks about or wants to talk about child death has made the whole process even more painful. I think it’s good to acknowledge these feelings, they are valid.