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Wife wants space

(36 Posts)
Dcx1980 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:26:42

Hi. Been married for 10 years together for 13. We have 3 kids. 9, 6 & 1.
The short version is.....
She wants some space, for me to move out. As she says she is not sure how she feels about me anymore and did say she still loves me but now as she use to.
Should I give her the space and leave? Or stay and try to show I can be the man she wants? Will that push her further away?
I think moving out would be a step in a bad direction. And I don't want my kids remembering that it was me that left.

She's hidden debt. And nights away 'babysitting' later to admit she'd stayed at a hotel for alone time. (Not unfeasible, sad that she felt she needed escape)

Not sure if I can trust her but dispite it all I still love her and want to stay with my family.

Doolallylally Tue 24-Jan-17 19:28:28

Ask her to go to Relate with you to try and save your marriage. If it's possible to save it, your children will benefit enormously. No child wants divorced parents.

Dcx1980 Tue 24-Jan-17 19:43:25

I have suggested it a few times but she says no. I still believe my dead dad to be an as@ #$€* after cheating on my mum, then not making and effort with us children. She's says I can see them whenever I want but I know it would never be the same. I pride myself on being a good dad. Shame not a better husband.

oleoleoleole Tue 24-Jan-17 19:48:36

I think she's cheating. She is ask G for space and for you to leave so that it'll be easier for her to say it's over. Stand your ground and do a bit of digging.

Dcx1980 Tue 24-Jan-17 20:37:33

Thought about that. That would be easier on my conscious than an unhappy wife who needed some time out. She's crafty though. Even if she admitted it I'd still want her( I think).

StrawberryMouse Tue 24-Jan-17 20:43:03

So sorry to say but I also think cheating from what you've said. You sound very considerate, don't allow yourself to be manupulated. Think with your headband stand your ground, I think there is more to come out.

StrawberryMouse Tue 24-Jan-17 20:46:20

*Manipulated
*Head not headband

grin

StrawberryMouse Tue 24-Jan-17 20:47:56

*Manipulated
*Head not headband

grin

Dcx1980 Tue 24-Jan-17 23:47:51

Crafty gives the wrong impression. She's clever. I don't believe she's cheated. Just unhappy at home.
Anyway my question was,
Should I give her the space and leave? Or stay and try to show I can be the man she wants? Will that push her further away?

Why would she not tell you she was going for nights away alone? Would you not want her doing that?

Dcx1980 Wed 25-Jan-17 00:03:29

We both said it was silly and that it would have been fine. I might of suggested her mum's instead of £40 on a hotel but I'd be ok with it.

Silly to go alone or silly to hide it?

I just wonder if you need to really listen to what she's saying to you. She's asking for space and she's spending time in hotels alone. It sounds like she really does need space!

Can you give her that without going so far as moving out? Does she go out with her friends much? Go to the gym, hobbies, etc? Do you?

Dcx1980 Wed 25-Jan-17 00:17:03

To hide it.
I thought she mean away from the family, maybe it was just me.
Yes she has a tight little band of friends. Her best friend she spends alot of time with. I'm glad she has good mates.
I came to the conclusion after looking at her happy fb pictures, there are smiles with her friends or our children but very few with me. 🙁
I've said I'm happy that she has fun with her friends but we should try and have more fun together too.

Dcx1980 Wed 25-Jan-17 00:18:55

Im out 2 nights a week. For Sports.

Doolallylally Wed 25-Jan-17 01:55:24

I don't think you should leave. I think she's taking the piss expecting you to go when you want to try and make things work.

It totally depends doesn't it @Doolalylally? If he's a nice reasonable man then yes, it seems odd that she wouldn't want to work things through, but it makes me wonder why not.

Op, it seems some serious talking is needed. I'd ask again about the counselling.

Crumbs1 Wed 25-Jan-17 06:24:08

Don't leave - much harder to reconnect from a distance. Give her 'space' within the marriage. What even does 'space' mean? Maybe she wants romance/ excitement and a relationship that doesn't really exist except in Mills and Boon books. Why would she not go to relate and put the effort in to saving a marriage? Try flowers, a conversation about what specifically would improve her lot. A weekend in Paris with 'space' for you to be a couple rather than a family maybe? I think you need to understand what she is actually saying.

Dcx1980 Wed 25-Jan-17 07:26:50

I shall sit with her tonight and ask why she won't fight for us. And bring up counselling again. I want to say, 'no I'm not going anywhere, im going to stay and fight for us.' Hope it doesn't back fire. I can work late if she's not going out, so that we hardly see each other. Maybe that will be enough space, without me moving out.
I can honestly say I've never been violent with her or the kids. I can't see how anyone could do that to someone that they love.
That said, I've come to realise that I'm not the best man I could be. Taken her for granted maybe, shirking some of the husband responsibilitIes, like leaving the accounts to her. I just hope I can stay while I try to be that man I should be being.

ScarletForYa Wed 25-Jan-17 07:41:21

I'd say she has someone else OP. Sorry.

Dcx1980 Wed 25-Jan-17 19:46:53

I never asked if anyone thought she was cheating on me. Really positive comments thanks.
A genuine thank you to those with constructive advice.
All mute now any way.
We've talked. She told me (not with malice) several times that she just doesn't love me anymore and she's sorry. I don't even think it will be a 'trial' separation. She's says there is no point in counselling as she knows she doesn't love me anymore.
I can still see the kids as much as I want apparently but I know that's not true, for that I'd need to stay at home.
I believe her when she says she's not seeing anyone else.
So thats it then.
It's fucked up that to build a life with someone you give them the power to destroy it and there's nothing you can do.
What the fuck am I going to do now?

Doolallylally Wed 25-Jan-17 22:14:47

Really sad to read that x

Iggi999 Wed 25-Jan-17 22:42:03

What you can do now I suppose is to be the best dad you can possibly be. And one day hopefully someone else will love you.
Life with small children is hard on any couple. It can kill love (or certainly romance) for many couples

321zerobaby Wed 25-Jan-17 22:47:37

Sorry I think she is cheating too.

Isadora2007 Wed 25-Jan-17 22:51:33

If you can work shifts there is a possibility you could be one of those fab dads who actually does a 50/50 share of childcare and have your children with you. Get some legal advice. So sorry she isn't even giving your marriage a go. It hurts a lot but it sounds like she really doesn't deserve you.

user1469639526 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:09:10

Don't leave but try and help a bit more around the house
Could you get some one to mind the kids if you had a night away in a hotel 😀

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