Tell me it gets easier? Please???

[bellabelly]

Hello all, my twin boys are 2 and a half weeks old, we've been out of hospital for just over a week (they had to be re-admitted for a week because they'd lost too much weight but both are now doing well).

Now that we're home, we're carrying on the 3-hour feeding routine that the hospital set up and, generally, it's working out ok. But life is starting to feel like such a treadmill - it just seems endless, days and days of sterilising, pumping, feeding, changing nappies, washing up, etc. One of the boys in particular seems to need a LOT of cuddles and I feel awful for resenting him for needing my time when there's so much else to stay on top of. Not to mention, i feel sad that his brother is getting much less of my attention because he seems a bit less needy.

The worst times are when they both cry at once and teh noise just goes right through me. To be honest, i sometimes feel like walking out of the front door and just leaving them to cry it out. Are these gloomy feelings totally normal? Please tell me it gets easier soon? I wanted to be a lovely earth mother type but I just feel really ambivalent sometimes. I knew twins would be hard work but I think until you live it, you don't really appreciate what that means. There's hardly any time to talk to DH (he's on leave for one more week, god i'm dreading him going back to work) and this'll sound silly cos what did we expect, but I think we're both missing our old life already. Sometimes I feel so happy and grateful for the twins - we tried for AGES for a baby before finally getting pregnant but sometimes I wonder if we're ever going to feel like life is any fun ever again. Any tips advice for staying sane over the next few weeks? Please?

[oooggs]

Congratulations you are so lucky having twins - welcome to a very lucky club

it does get easier and this is from someone who was in the same position as you 19 weeks ago (my dts are 21.5 weeks).

Get out of the house was my saviour (as well as mn ), go for a walk between feeds - this may seem impossible to you at the moment I tried to see lots of people - who maybe had a spare pair of hands.

come on the d'ya ever thread here, there are very wise and helpful women and they have all done it so can really help.

I have a 3.7 year old who I find gets attention neglect - remember being a parent is full of guilt.

keep in touch - hope I have helped x

[Katy44]

No advice I'm afraid just congratulations on the arrival of your twins and a bump to this thread.

[snowwonder]

i really dont know about twins although i have twin brothers 2 years younger than me...(not sure how my mum managed)

i am positive things will get easier for you...

Can you amke the days bottles in one go? so it doesnt feel that is all you are doing and your partner? could wash them all out unless you ahve a dishwasher?

do they get any comfort from laying together in a cot?

you could place in cot and play white noise to them, ie, hoover, hairdryer, or the sound of an untuned radio, babies get comfort from white sounds...


have you any family who can sit with them while you have a bath?

or you could consider a homestart voulunteer?

which area are you living in?

[Katy44]

oooggs was just about to come and look for you and KHIN

[elesbells]

firstly congratulations on the birth of your twins

i have only the experience of single births and that was tough enough! i dont think it matters how much you prepare yourself for children, it still comes as a culture shock once they are here..your whole life has changed and everyone has to adjust to that..which is hard enough without two babies demanding your attention.

i think once you settle into a routine things will seem calmer. i just wanted to send you a hug and someone with experience of twin routines will be along shortly

good luck.

[throckenholt]

it does get better - as they get bigger and you get more able to cope. The shock of newborn twins has to be experienced to be appreciated I found.

Things that really helped me - a swinging chair - one of those battery operated one - it took up loads of space and played horrible music that my toddler loved and learnt how to switch on - but it would keep one quiet and happy while I dealt with the other one.

Another useful thing is a sling - you can cuddle one baby close while you do other things.

And having a good cry every now and again and letting all the stress out.

Try and get out for walks too - they go quite usually - you get peace, fresh air and gentle exercise.

And routine - try and get them back to bed no later than 2 hours after waking up - it is a nightmare trying to get an overtired baby to sleep - especially when you have two. Feed together and wake together - so that you do actually get a break sometimes.

And sleep when they do. ( or rest at the very least).

[bellabelly]

Thanks for all the advice and sympathy. I have had a good cry and let out some of my weirdly conflicting feelings. The sunshine is also helping improve my mood and I'm considering overcoming my fear of teh double buggy to take them out for a little walk . At teh moment they are looking cute and adorable on their playmat and I'm wondering how on earth things can seem so bleak when they are crying at 4am...

[throckenholt]

sunshine really does help !

Get out with that buggy - once you get over the fear of it - it will be your best friend .

Did you say you were expressing ? If so - I have been there and done that too - and it adds a whole another dimension. If you need any advise just ask.

[snowwonder]

oh they sound adorable, but 4am is so quiet .... but there are many other parents up at that time as well seeing to there little ones.....

go for a stroll, take a book or mag and the fresh air may make them sleep. so you can sit on a bench and have a rest.... you deserve it....


i know my mum used to breast feed one and my dad would give the other twin water to pacify him before his feed, or he was sat in a bouncing chair and bounced while the other fed....


it will def get easier take it a day at a time, and go easy on yourself, if your all still in your pj's at 4pm, then so what ...

[glamourbadger]

Hi bellabelly

If you read back through the threads in this section there is undoubtedly one from me that reads exactly the same as yours. Brining twins home is a huge shock that no amount of reading or advice can prepare you for.

It's perfectly normal to want to walk out! I took a long time to bond with my twins as they were such hard work - while I loved them I didn't really LIKE them for a long time.

Lack of sleep is what sends you loopy and makes you feel irrational and sometimes hopeless. Do you have any help? I ended up paying for a part time nanny to do a couple of feeds a week so I could get some sleep. This was really the difference between coping and not, I used to get 4 hours kip in the afternoon and emerge a human again! The bigger they get the more milk they can take on at a feed so they take the feed quicker and after a while go for longer between feeds at night. Keep up the 3 hourly feeds in the day!

All I can say is hang in there! Once they start smiling and giving something back things slowly improve. Get out in the sunshine whenever you can, treat yourself to a coffee in a local cafe every now and then so you still feel like your old self.

There are a lot of amazing twin mums here on Mumsnet that have given me lots of advice and support so drop in every now and then, we all know what you're going through

[glamourbadger]

Echo throckenholt on the expressing front. I nearly killed myself trying to express and feed. Know your limitations and don't feel like a failure if you have to do the odd formula feed, you can only manage so much

[throckenholt]

another useful tip - especially if your DH is a night owl. Split the night into shifts - say up to 1am and after 1am - DH does the early shift - armed with formula or expressed milk in bottles. You go to bed about 8pm and sleep - DH is on duty until say 1pm - then he goes to bed and you are the one who gets up and deals with them - that way you both get a survivable amount of sleep. It isn't so tough getting up at 2am if you have already had a few hours decent sleep.

[tripletsandtwins]

Congratulations on twins, and welcome to they joys of being a multiple mother! I know that right now everything seems completely overwhelming, but it does get better?I promise. It's much harder when they are newborns and you have to be up at night with them. Once they get good at eating and don't need as much coaxing, it becomes much easier. (It can?t be too bad, I had triplets, and I?m now having twins!)

My 1st part of advice would be - you & your dh work "shifts" at night to care for the babies. People don't believe me when I tell them that we were rarely sleep deprived the first year because we did this. What we did is: I would go to bed very early, like 8-9pm sometimes even 7! my husband would do the 9pm & 12pm feedings, while I got uniterrupted sleep (without a baby monitor on). Then he would come in the room where I was sleeping, turn my monitor on, then go into a differebt room to sleep (one without a baby monitor on). Then I would do the 3am and 6am feedings. From the get go we averaged 6 hours of sleep - which I think is fantastic for having triplets! Because we both were getting decent sleep - this made it everything possible. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing - there's a reason it is often used as a torture technique.

My 2nd piece of advice is to really make an effort to get out of the house. I survived the first few months by taking the kids on long walks (2 to 4 hours) every day and not stressing the small stuff (like housework!). Plan on giving over to dh on the weekends - to give you a chance to get out of the house without kids and enjoy yourself (and occasionally have some private time) Dh use to do it for me, and I really appreciated it! He takes the kids now, for an hour a night at least, so I can have some time to myself, and it?s complete bliss...sometimes you find that you leave the house feeling like you never want to go back and you've escaped from a prison, and then you end up missing them like crazy and go back early or at least...I did

My 3rd piece of advice is get a nanny, cleaner or some other form of help. I have a nanny , but when she is not available, two neighborhood girls (i.e. no picking up needed) walk over and "play" with my kids! They are homeschooled, so they have flexible hours, and I just make arrangements with their mom when I need them. They are 11 & 13 and their mother will NOT let me pay them more than $4/hr-for BOTH! She wants them to learn volunteerism and feels like they are too young to babysit (and too young to have unlimited $$). I'd bet you could find some similar arrangement with a young teenager to be a mommy's helper for very little $$. For probably $10-$20 a week you could have a 10-12 year help out for a few hours so you can get some stuff done around the house or help with feeding babies, etc. I don't leave my kids alone with my helpers-but they can do things like take the kids in the back yard and play while I fold laundry, make dinner, change sheets, catch up on mumsnet etc. For $12 I get three hours of awesome help! Plus, these girls get very valuable babysitting experience that will lead to them being in high demand in about 2 years! I just had a nanny when they were born, but I really wish I had found a teenager then. Teenaged girls with babysitting experience are priceless around here! So these girls are happy to tell potential families that they've helped care for toddler triplets! I got loads of people coming around and I accepted any help, but make sure they are really willing to help, and not just cuddle with babies. If you have any family in the area, nag them over to help, when I had my MIL over, I actually get some peace, or when I snet the dc over to her. (Now they go to pre-k, so I get a lot more time to myself)

However bad this might sound put everything on hold and be at peace with it. Tell your you'll see them for tea/shopping/whatever in about a year. No matter what shortcomings you think you may have, you possess the ability to be a fantastic mother and a super wife. And when you become both, do not look for the reward. Just keep on keeping on going. Hang in there - you WILL be able to do this.

[tripletsandtwins]

blimey, that was a long post wasn't it, I'm just avoiding doing a 5000 word essay that's waiting to be done

[Katy44]

You have triplets
You're having twins
And you're obviously studying something
Words fail me

[oooggs]

remember to come on here and stay in touch - the multiple mums are a fountain of knowledge and support - we will keep checking on you

[triplets]

My turn to bow my head in admiration, 3 and 2! My trio will be 10 next Jan and this year has been the hardest I have known, I personally found the bay and toddler stage bliss, but oh boy, are they a handful now, we have just been to America on a 4 week adventure with them, fantastic but sooooooooo hard work wise and they were a nightmare on the plane, all the other kids either slept or read books, mine............could have throttled them!

[estar]

Yes yes yes, there are lots of different things that are difficult later on but the stages are all different and just as you feel you're about to break under the stress of one phase, everything turns around and changes and begins to lighten again.

I vividly remember those first few weeks, that feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I was woken up after a few brief hours of sleep to face the whole day all over again. I felt like a robot, going through the mechanics but not daring to stop and think or I would burst into tears. I don't mean to depress you, I just mean to tell you that it is supposed to be hard, you're not doing it wrong!

But then when they start smiling at you, what a HUGE difference it makes! Then, they start to interact with each other and there is nothing like it in the whole world. I went from constantly saying 'God, why me?' to realising that even though I was still constantly knackered, I wouldn't have changed having twins for the world.

I also felt for a few weeks like one was easy to love and really struggled bonding with the other one - constant crying and demanding for attention is not easy to handle at all. Thankfully (?) mine took it in turns to be the easy/difficult one and after a bit I realised that it was circumstantial rather than relational and didn't prefer one over the other (although I still have my days, depending on which one wakes up first .......)

Please come over to the d'y ever.... thread and vent as often as you like. We do gripe and moan about our twins (and more) but it helps to here other people going through it, and we even manage to talk about other things, like the life you feel returns to you after the first few months (honestly, its not a myth!)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Fi70]

Hi BB
My twin boys are 13 months and I can remember feeling like you. For me it was the shock of the routine day in day out, not knowing whether what I was doing was right and the lack of seep was awful. Another poster suggested split shifts and if you can do it you should. We used to swap over at 4.00am and I knew that I would be able to sleep for 3 whole hours.
I also thought bathing them every night would comfort them - it didn't it made them go into a total rage, I wish I hadn't bothered much for the first few months. It does get easier but when people kept telling me that I didn't believe them and now I am saying the same thing.I was not particular wild on the newborn phase (too stunned) but from 5/6 months it was lovely (although there are always days when you are clock watch thinking only 3 hours to bedtime)
Hope you get some sleep and congratulations twins are great (cliche but true)

[chopster]

Your post brings back a lot of memories. It really is totally relentless in the early days. I spent a lot of the first few months walking around the shops with mine (lived close to a big town center) - getting them out and about really does make it easier.

Also, as time goes on you jsut find shortcuts. We kept the changing mat under the sofa and a changing bag next to it, ready for changing. I was also pumping and sterilising, but I used to get up and pump mostly at night, and less during the day. DP would do the night feeds while I pumped.

Don't feel guilty about giving one more attention than the other, they change so much during those early months it will sort itself out in the long term.

Give it a few more months and you will be able to start putting htem down earlier and earlier in the evenings and you will feel your sanity coming back.

I would start looking for any help that you can get - try the college for childcare students, or homestart for a volunteer if you can't afford paid help. Thankfully it does get easier in some ways once they get a bit bigger, but once they get mobile you have another set of challanges, so dont be shy of asking for help!

[sar123]

Hello - i don't have twins, just one dd born July 2006 but I felt exactly the same as you for the first six or so weeks. I cried for mine and dp's old life and wondered what I'd done to our lives! i just want to reassure you that it is quite normal to feel like that - in fact I bet even doubly so with 2 to look after!!! You are doing a brilliant job, and it will get easier. S

[frumpygrumpy]

bella, I mean this politely........."GET YOUR BAHOOKY OVER TO OUR REGULAR THREAD"

We will mop your brow and bring you cabbage for your boobs

Its murder in these early days, and we know it, and we've lived it, and we've cried it and we will support you every step of the way. Please come over, let us help.

[triplets]

Frumpy is right Bella, come on over to us, I have been saved many a night by these wonderful nutcases and some of them can make a mean lemon drizzle cake!

[frumpygrumpy]

lol triplets at "Wonderful Nutcases"

I feel a book coming on.......

[triplets]

Now theres a thought Frumpy, it would make a very good read, I often think about some of the threads that have made me roar, do you remeber the one about "help, I`ve got hair sprouting out of my arse!??