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I just hate this

(27 Posts)
Fallen89 Mon 20-Nov-17 16:15:03

This is going to sound awful and im sorry but I don't know what else to say or where to turn.
I have 9 month old twins and have found it really really hard from the beginning. I kept telling myself by 6 months I'd start to enjoy them, but no. It's slightly easier but I have hated almost every minute from the start.
I know this sounds really bad and I feel really bad writing it but I can't shake off the feeling. Every day I wake up dreading the day ahead.
I don't know know what to do. I feel like I'll always feel this way. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel
I feel so bad for the babies, I've tried to shake off these feelings. I've tried to talk to people about how I feel but nothings getting better

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 16:36:17

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time of things at the moment. Do you have any support from family or friends? It's difficult with 1 let alone 2!

I only have one baby and he is almost 9 months old and I struggle as it is. So I can only imagine how it would be with 2 and I think you're amazing for coping as well as you are! I'm finding this age extremely tough as it's a funny phase where they're trying to talk, trying to move around and lots of developments all going on at once coupled with the 9 month sleep regression.

I've heard it gets alittle better after 6 months but much better after 12. I'm wishing the time away but we're almost there! You've done the hardest part and not long to to go and things will get easier for you: The second year is meant to be much more enjoyable than the first when their little personalities come out more. I'm sorry to say I haven't enjoyed the baby stage.
The positives about having 2 despite the extra work all at once are:

it'll get easier as they get older and they'll entertain each other giving you a rest.
They are the same age so they will be little best friends.
You don't have to get pregnant again as you already have a sibling.

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 16:40:04

I envy you in a way as if I want a second I wil have to be pregnant with another child to take care of (hated being pregnant) and will have to endure the baby stage all over again. Not sure I can do it again... sort of wish I had 2 now and it was all over and done with.

gingerclementine Mon 20-Nov-17 16:45:29

Hi,
I have twins. I hated the first year. It's such a relentless slog. I was so jealous of mums of single babies, when I was always running like crazy just to catch up. But then they became toddlers and talked and were so unbelievably cute and funny I started to enjoy life more, and it's got better and better ever since. Just had a gorgeous weekend with my two, having days out in London and I love being a mum of teens.

It's not easy at the time, but if you are not a natural with babies (I wasn't) then you're in luck. Because they are children then teens for a lot longer than they are helpless babies.

You're probably shattered too, and have no time to look after yourself. Do you have any help at all?

Fallen89 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:10:41

Thank you. I was worried Id get a lot of judgement for writing this, but your comments have been really helpful.
I do keep telling myself the worst is over I can keep doing this. But I still hate it.
I'm not a baby person at all. I'm hating this baby stage and when people tell me they loved the baby stage I look at the like they're insane.
I do get a lot of help, I realise how lucky I am, but still on the days its just me and them I feel like I'm falling apart.
I have sought help through my GP but I don't find anything is really helping. I am trying everything I can, it just feels like I'm failing

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:18:08

You need all the help you can get with twins so please don't feel bad for struggling sometimes. As for the people who say they loved the the baby stage I bet they had one of those angel baby who sleeps all of the time and certainly not twins. We'd all be okay if we had that.
Just think you've done it for 9 month and what an amazing job you've done. Only 3 months and the dreaded first year will be over and from then on things will get easier for you. I'm planning DS's first birthday now and I realise how bad that sounds but I literally cannot wait! Bring on toddler years as boring tiring baby stage isn't all it's cracked up to be! It'll better when they're waking and talking and you'll have two little best friends.

Bella8 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:19:00

be* walking*

Worriedobsessive Mon 20-Nov-17 17:19:17

It’s shit till they’re about 3. Then they occupy each other and it’s piss easy after that. Hang in there.

BarbieBrightSide Mon 20-Nov-17 17:29:56

I have twins (now 7 years old). The early days were relentless - an endless round of feeding and changing and laundry. Getting out needed careful planning and of course I had to carry twice as much of everything as my friends with singletons.

Is there a twin group near you? I went to my local one sometimes, and although I didn't click with any of the Mums, at least most of the people there knew what I was going through / had been through. (I didn't completely believe the ones who said it was a breeze)

Can you plan some things to do to break up your day? Trips to the supermarket usually brightened my day as people would smile and talk to my babies me.

You are totally not the only mum of twins who has felt overwhelmed and not constantly overjoyed.

gingerclementine Mon 20-Nov-17 17:33:26

Fallen you're not failing. I used to think the same. All the time. It's bloody exhausting already without adding draining self criticism into the bargain. Try the mantra: everyone's fed and nobody's dead. Then congratulate yourself.
Twins get 25% of the time singleton first borns get. I can't remember why it's 25% not 50% but it was explained to me by a statistician and it made sense at the time. So they cry more, which makes it hard. And you are shattered because you have half the sleep. Oh the sleep deprivation still sends cold shivers down my spine 15 years later!

Hang in there. It does get better and easier. And if you aren't planning on having any more (I didn't) it gets super easier - both off to school on the same day (with a family member, so less separation anxiety.) Both like similar films/outings etc so there's never any juggling around trying to please everyone.

Our family life is very easy and harmonious now, much more so than most friends' lives are with siblings of different ages. But it wasn't easier when we were at the stage you're at. It was a nightmare. It will get better. Promise.

Fallen89 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:34:43

You're right. I do question if I'm the only person to feel like this.
But putting my feelings out there confirms that I'm not.
I LOVED the idea of twins before having twins, and I'm sure twins are lovely...when they're older! But it's just getting there

Fallen89 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:39:31

Haha worriedobsessive. Only over 2 more years to go sad

Fallen89 Mon 20-Nov-17 17:41:54

Yes I have been to a local twins group. It's nice in some ways as in "they get it" but they all seem to bloody love it! I'm just there like what is wrong with me!

TheLegendOfBeans Mon 20-Nov-17 17:42:29

Disclaimer: I don’t have twins. But I live somewhere where loads of my contemporaries have twins; that’s because I hang out with a load of TAMBA mums and they are a tight group.

Do you have a TAMBA group near you?

Also my twin Mum friends basically lost their minds for the first 12-15 months and then things got easier. Twins seem to rely on each other, interact better and chill out a bit (from what I’ve seen and been told) once they pass 15months.

Maybe it’s this connection that seems to make the twins I know more chilled at the same age as my Singleton DD who is very much entering the dreaded toddler stage (21 months).

Anyway, just rambling. TAMBA saved my chums’ sanity. Any twins/multiples group locally will allow you to lean on folk who KNOW what it’s like and don’t just pay lip service (like I’m doing now confused) x

TheLegendOfBeans Mon 20-Nov-17 17:43:45

Just saw your post of 17:41

Persevere with the group...I found my baby groups a bit crap that got much better when the children got to about a year upward x

chunkychipmonk Mon 27-Nov-17 00:45:23

Completely understand how you feel. My twins are nearly 11 months and it doesn’t feel any easier. The challenges are just different.

They moan constantly as they’re in competition for your attention. We’ve had weeks of illness (colds, d&v, bronchiolitis). I think we can’t feel any more exhausted then we have an all nighter. I go to groups but feel exhausted just getting there. If we go anywhere new I have to case the joint first to make sure we can physically get in the place. Haven’t really bonded with anyone as I’m too busy juggling the babies to have a decent conversation. I try to go to a twin group when I can but it’s quite far away. Some of the mums have thrived whereas others have struggled like me.

My friends with singletons seem to have given up on me, as they think I should be finding it easier now. Which has completely knocked my confidence. I’ll be going back to work soon. Think it could break me! I hate the school runs with my 9 year old too.

I’m so negative all the time and try to be positive but sometimes the exhaustion just gets to you!! It’s got to get better soon!

Pennywhistle Mon 27-Nov-17 01:07:21

I have ten year old twins. And they are just incredibly awesome.

But the early years are hard. Really really hard.

You aren’t failing.
You might be expecting a little bit too much of yourself though.

My rule was that I did whatever I needed to keep myself sane. The babies needed looked after, I needed to be looked after where possible and everything else could go to hell.

So I took them out for a walk in the fresh air every day. I walked miles and it really helped.

I tried to make sure I had an adult conversation everyday with someone other than my DH. It might be going to a baby group, it might be going to the story time at the library, it might be inviting friends round, it might be chatting to an old lady in the high street.

The house was kept minimally clean and my DH did much of that.

Time just with your partner is important too. I breastfed mine so it was hard to go out but we used to put them down after their 8pm fed and sneak out the house keeping our fingers crossed that they wouldn’t wake up and scream at Granny. grin

I found finding time to eat hard so DH made me porridge before he left for work and left me a sandwich in the fridge for lunch.

It will get easier. I found 12 months, 18 months and 2years big watershed moments.

A PP is right 3 years was a key age, no more nappies, no more high chairs, no more pram and they can talk!

I remember when they were toddlers a friend with a singleton the same age saying how she missed the baby stage. I was completely agog! The baby stage with twins is so hard that everything afterwards is always easier.

Hang on in there. It gets easier. Honestly. And talk to your twins club people, I bet they understand exactly how you feel.

flowers

gingerclementine Mon 27-Nov-17 08:53:46

I did the same as pennywhistle - I got out for the day most days and walked miles and miles in the fresh air. It really helped combat the sleeplessness of night time and stopped me feeling stir crazy at home.

Pack a nappy bag and some formula and a flask of hot water and go. They like the fresh air and the rhythm of the buggy so they cry less. You can stop in safe places to let them trundle about a bit if they're mobile (in this weather shopping malls, soft play centres etc.

It sounds like you may have PND (I did - undiagnosed.) Stuff like thinking you're a failure, that everyone else is enjoying it etc could be signs. Good that you've already checked in with the GP. If you have, imo, it's better to stop breast feeding and take medication (if you are breastfeeding or mixed feeding) I held out far too long and it made things tougher than they needed to be.

Livvylul Mon 27-Nov-17 10:50:48

Thank you everyone for confirming it's not just me flowers
I agree ginger I'm almost certain I do have PND, I feel AntI depressants might make me feel slightly better but I still can't see me enjoying this stage.
But I guess feeling a bit better on Meds is better than nothing

gingerclementine Mon 27-Nov-17 11:06:05

Yes it is. The meds will get rid of the added stress of you feeling shit about yourself. Then you'll only have to deal with the stress of looking after two babies! Hope things get better for you.

Pennywhistle Mon 27-Nov-17 13:43:43

Fallen one more thing to add.

There’s a lot of nonsense talked about how “wonderful and precious” the baby days are.

It’s bollocks. Complete bollocks.

Babies are lovely and precious, but the first year, especially with twins is mostly just the hardest job you’ve ever done.

With no pay.
And no holidays off.
And no lunch break.
And sick in your hair.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with finding it hard. It is hard.

When my twins got to their first birthday I felt like I should have been given an award just for having kept them both alive for a year while retaining my sanity (mostly grin)

I have all sorts of academic and career achievements but the thing I am most proud of in my whole life is surviving that first year with my twins.

Hang on in there. It will get better. It will get awesome.

Livvylul Mon 27-Nov-17 14:56:45

You're so right pennywhistle. I've said to my partner on the twins first birthday, we'll just be like "we've done it"
Somehow everyone else gets there, and I'm sure it's a struggle for everyone but the point is everyone gets there

I might just right your last line of hang on in there. It will get better. It will get awesome somewhere I can see it everyday

RubySlippers77 Wed 06-Dec-17 12:03:58

You are definitely not alone Fallen! Mine are 2 now and still hard work, although thankfully sleeping better. The first year was a blur - I look back at the photos and think how cute they were - but all I can remember is how much hard work they were!

If you can get out and walk then it will make you feel much better. Are yours in a good nap routine? When mine nap together and I can have a coffee in peace then I feel a million times calmer!

I don't have much help nearby but if you do, please take advantage and have some time to yourself when yo can, give you something to look forward to! That would really have helped me in the early days, OH has been pretty useless with them so I have done 95% of the childcare.

It's still not easy - I lost it with mine earlier today after relentless bloody squabbling and a horrific trip to the park - bellowed at them (ashamed of that now) but I was so, so fed up. It is better though past the baby stage once they have personalities. I'm told when they get to about 4 it will be fun looking after them instead of a slog - here's hoping...!

RubySlippers77 Wed 06-Dec-17 13:12:22

Also have you tried speaking to TAMBA Fallen? They will help if they can but sometimes it was enough for me just to rant speak to someone who'd been through it. They were very helpful on the days I could quite happily have left mine and never gone back!

knittingwithnettles Mon 11-Dec-17 08:05:03

Fallen I am the mum of twins (now 15) and I just wanted to warn you that you might possibly be Vitamin D deficient - have you checked with the GP - had blood test etc. Your vitamin D levels should be at least 70-100. It is one of those undiscovered reasons for tiredness and anxiety, compounded by fact that it is so difficult to get out of the house with twins (less sunshine in the summer for mum, which might have topped up her levels)

I was lucky, I had a toddler and was forced outside after March twins, but later on in my life this profound tiredness and anxiety hit me, and it was a combo of vitamin d and low thyroxine levels (I had hypothyroidism without being diagnosed for a long time)

Meanwhile, keep going to twins group, just seeing people helps enormously, and the babies will also get a lot from it quite soon, although it will feel like a lot of work for no reason just to get them there!

Other thing that helped me early days was really focussing on downtime after lunch, and never going out then, trying to get them into nap routine so I could have a sleep. I used to see people doing errands when their twins were sleeping in buggy and think - why would you use up your twins sleep time walking shock not resting. Having 1 and half hours after lunch was incredibly important window for me.

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