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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

baby was due this weekend, found out tonight that a friend is pregnant...

28 replies

tryingnottoobsess · 30/08/2008 23:17

Don't even know what to say, just feels like this is the only place I can sit and feel sad and enraged that my body is letting me down whilst everyone else is full of congratulations.

3 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, and people getting pregnant all around me.

I don't have bad feelings towards her, it's just that every time someone else manages it, it rams home the fact that I've nearly been there but had it snatched away.

DH just told me the news on the phone (I asked him, he was going to tell me when he got home). I chickened out of going to theirs this weekend because of my general due date sadness, and also I knew they'd been trying for a few months, and was bracing myself for an announcement.

Bollocks, bollocks bollocks.

I can't even imagine having a successful pregnancy right now... I don't even know what the next step is. The tests are clear (which is great, I know) but I can't face going through it again.

Sorry if what I've written sounds selfish, but I had to get it out somehow.

OP posts:

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Izzybel · 30/08/2008 23:26

I'm so sorry for your mcs . You are not selfish just normal!

It is so unfair isn't it? You can't help but think the things that you do "why do they have their baby and I don't have mine?" I have been through one mc. 3 is just so harsh

Izzybel · 30/08/2008 23:27

Keep talking here if you want to, if it helps! Say whatever you want to say! Nobody will judge you

MsHighwater · 30/08/2008 23:54

I hope you find the "wherewithal" to carry on and that your efforts are rewarded.

You don't sound selfish in the slightest. I had no mc's, only failed IUI & IVF attempts before I was successful but I can relate to what you've said about what you feel. I really hope you get what you want.

MUMBLEB · 31/08/2008 00:00

you have every right to feel angry for whatever natures reason .to do what it does seems so cruel & unfair!!! i can fully understand the way you must be feeling right now. where does selfish come into this you need to heal from this pain .And you feel what you feel for obvious reasons. my 1st mc was when my 1st was 2yro it was of no comfort that i alredy had a child a loss is a loss my 3rd child could never replace the lost one instead i carry her in my heart always and forever after pain there is peace xxx

MUMBLEB · 31/08/2008 00:02

you have every right to feel angry for whatever natures reason .to do what it does seems so cruel & unfair!!! i can fully understand the way you must be feeling right now. where does selfish come into this you need to heal from this pain .And you feel what you feel for obvious reasons. my 1st mc was when my 1st was 2yro it was of no comfort that i alredy had a child a loss is a loss my 3rd child could never replace the lost one instead i carry her in my heart always and forever after pain there is peace xxx

tryingnottoobsess · 31/08/2008 00:05

Thanks so much Izzy and Ms High for responding, and sorry to hear you've had your trials as well.

Just sitting here crying, and genuinely don't know what to do to feel better. I just want to feel normal again.

I feel like a child stamping my foot and having a tantrum because things aren't going my way. It is ridiculous and won't get me anywhere... but I just can't help it at the moment.

Nice to know you're out there. Can't talk to DH because he is at theirs till tomorrow. Hence him not wanting to tell me till he saw me, cos he knew it'd spin me out.

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tryingnottoobsess · 31/08/2008 00:07

Thanks MumbleB too, and sorry about your second child. I'm hoping that peace isn't too far off.

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Katw3kitts · 31/08/2008 00:13

I don't know what to say, but I couldn't ignore you.

You are not at all selfish so please do not think that.

I guess its hard for your DH as well.

tryingnottoobsess · 31/08/2008 00:16

Ms H, I just checked out your profile and your daughter made me smile - a rarity tonight! What a cutie, and you look so happy. Gives me hope that if you had a difficult journey, that good things are possible.

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tryingnottoobsess · 31/08/2008 00:25

Blimey Kat, you know what I hadn't even thought about DH being there with everyone and it affecting him.

He just always seems OK and takes stuff in his stride. That's a really good wake up call. I was thinking of sending him a sad text, but came on here instead because I didn't want to upset him. I think now you've said that I'll send him a supportive text.

Feeling quite a bit better just for chatting. Stopped crying now.... where else could you find people to give you a (virtual) squeeze of the hand at half past 12 on a saturday night?!

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lilolilmanchester · 31/08/2008 00:36

not sure what I can say but wanted to post because I had a miscarriage and a family friend's baby was born on my due date so understand a little of what you're going through. Luckily for me, I already had one child but nonetheless this was tough. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're not being selfish at all. Lots of people here to listen to you when you need it. Take care.

solo · 31/08/2008 00:48

I've had two too...my first and my third. It feels as though every other woman in the world is pg just at the time that you are grieving your loss.

Please, please don't give up. It took me 12 years to get pg the first time and after 14 years I finally got my son. I carry my lost children with me always. I also know how blessed I am to have my two babies alive and well. I also try to keep in mind that another friend lost 5 babies at 5+ months. There is always someone worse off than me - and I know that doesn't help, but she now has two healthy children, so there is hope - always.

One of my friends babies was born on the date that my 3rd baby should've been born too. It's very painful.
I'm praying for your healing and for your future babies.x

SUSIEHAS · 31/08/2008 11:04

Hi Iv had 2 miscarriages this year both at 6 weeks I have no children, one of my best friends is due on the same day I was going to be on my second, at first I didnt want to see her (even though it wernt her falt) after a few weeks it became easier for me but its still hard. And I am dreading March when she is due, even though I am so made up for her. Its perfectly normal to feel the way u r.

scotlass · 31/08/2008 12:27

I can totally understand what you're feeling. I've had 3 mc's in past year and there's been a baby boom around me. Bizarrely (?sp) once the babies are born I don't have the same stabbing feelings in my heart cos they're someone elses but pg bumps really get to me and it hurts so much when you think of what your babies would have been like at the time. Don't beat yourself up about it and take comfort in knowing these are perfectly natural feelings. MN friends do seem to have much more of an awareness of how much a mc hurts that rl friends who haven't been through it I find.

Habbibu · 31/08/2008 12:37

Oh, sweetie, that's so hard. I've had 2 losses - first and third, and it is terribly painful. I tend to let myself cry - seems easier than bottling it up. I find bumps very hard too - feels like the world is moving on without me. Keeping everything crossed for good news for you.

upset0808 · 31/08/2008 12:40

Hi

I fully fully understand. I have suffered my third MC at the beginning of August, thinking it was going to be ok as it was the first of my three pregnancies that I actually suffered morning sickness. Then at week 8 just like the others, it happened all over again. To say I feel suicidal isn't close. I just found out that a guy who has cheated on his wife 2/3 times are now expecting their second child and plan to ship them to boarding school. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!?!?. Me and my partner are so committed and happy together and no one is offering any sort of help. And my partners friends are now 5 months and they aren't excited one bit.

I feel for you, I truly do

tryingnottoobsess · 31/08/2008 13:04

Thanks for the messages... it is reassuring to know that other people feel the same as me, or have been though it and had a happy ending.

I'm amazed by Solo's friend... how could anyone find the strength to try again after losing 5 later than 5 months... peoples' resilience amazes me. And you Solo, trying for 14 years. I am so pleased for you and your friend that it happened for you both in the end.

Scotlass and Habbibu, I agree that bumps are harder than babies, I don't know why. And announcements are definitely the hardest bit.

Susie and upset, it sounds like you're both pretty raw at the moment too... god, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better.

A very easy day of sunday papers and nice food for me today... think that might recharge my batteries a bit.

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Izzybel · 31/08/2008 13:58

Trying, I hope you are feeling better today. An easy day with the papers sounds like just what you need! I agree that it must be hard for your DH too. I know that it was the worst thing that my DP has ever been through. I have never seen him like the way he was . If you ever need to talk on here there are many people who have been/are going through mc and they are able to understand and relate more than most people in RL can. People just don't know what it is like until they have been through it and can often say the wrong thing. MN is always here to listen! Stomp your feet, swear...do whatever you can to get the feelings out! Take care and don't give up. It is difficult but I really hope you get your happy ending xx

solo · 31/08/2008 14:33

Thanks trying, this is why you mustn't give up. Hope you are ok.x

zoo123 · 31/08/2008 15:23

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and hope very mucht hat you get there in the end. IMHO it's normal to feel as you do, please don't be too hard on yourself.

tye · 01/09/2008 15:17

hi tryingnottobess ive had a similar situation my id twins should of been due this weekend i lost them at 19weeks a friend down the road has just given birth n i find myself scuttering away as i see her coming down the street with the baby. i truly understand how you feel ur not selfish at all we cant help the way we feel after something as traumatic as this. ive just found out im pregnant again and just cant even get it in my head that il come home with a baby feel as though everything will be snatched away again. be kind to yourself take care. xxx

Sabs1981 · 23/10/2008 15:49

I had a miscarriage 4 weeks ago at 11 weeks. It was my first pregnancy.

Just had a big group meeting where people provide work updates and someone announced that they are pregnant.

I had to do all I could to stop myself from running out the room crying..!

Have been back at work for 2 weeks now, and apart from the first couple of days have been able to hold it together at work, and then just let go and cry at home in front of hubby, but don't know if I can control it today

BigTeuchLittleTeuch · 23/10/2008 16:08

I'm so sorry for your losses. I had a mmc at 12 weeks and my SIL was due 2 days after my due date.

It was very painful sharing each stage of teh pregnancy, knowing that I should have been at the same stage - not to mention her going into labour on my due date! I was horrified!!

All I can say is, from experience, please make sure you let it all out here and don't hold onto it too much. It is so difficult not to project how you feel onto the people you care for who happen to be pregnant when you are grieving.

All the best for the future for you all.

scamperT · 23/10/2008 18:06

Sabs, what a crap day - really feel for you honey. Obviously not crap for your colleague who is pg, but I know it really hurts to hear that news when you are trying to recover emotionally from your own loss. I have been posting on several threads today since discovering MN last night (DH gave me a copy of the article in the Times - little did he know the flood gates it would open, but all for the best I think). I had two mcs this year, and have been, as you say, holding it together, but I do think there comes a point when you need to let it out. I agree that it is bumps not babies that I find the hardest. Lots of people close to me are either pg or have little babies. If you are reading this and you are still in the office, go home girl! If you are at home, have a good cry and write some more here if that helps. I am regretting not taking time to cry, but am about to head home for an evening of letting it all out as DH should be at football practice. Sending you strength, patience, hugs and tears xxx

Sabs1981 · 23/10/2008 21:11

[BigTeuchLittleTeuch] My SIL is due any day now and to be honest, I am trying my best to avoid her. Its not her fault of course, and I feel bad but [scamperT] you're right, its bumps more than babies which make me so upset.

[scamperT] thanks for your msg too. Was able to hold it together at work. MN helps so much to get through the hard moments and to know that there are other people who have gone through things much worse than me and got through to the other side helps too

For 2 weeks after i miscarried, i cried constantly but for some reason since ive gone back to work, i feel i am on autopilot and only cry in bed, crying myself to sleep. I feel I have to keep my guard on at work, and those at work who know never seem to want to talk about it.

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